I need help understanding what is happening...

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to help my partner deal with an issue from her past and I'm a little lost and really could do with some help/advice/thoughts from you.

Many years ago my partner broke up a long term relationship she was in. Her ex pursued her for three years following the breakup but the pursuit was very much him trying to get emotional comfort from her and her witnessing his ongoing distress and inability to accept the breakup. This led to her constantly putting her own feelings aside in order to deal with him and his distress. She constantly had to witness his grief and she constantly felt guilt about that.

Skip forward many years and she still wakes up ever night (4am) disorientated and confused that her ex is not in the bed beside her. She then remembers that she broke up with him and life has moved on.

When she and I discuss their breakup or their relationship she is ok but if she starts thinking about her ex in that post-breakup period she becomes very distressed.

She's reluctant to see a therapist and I think really the best that's going to happen is she will keep talking to me about the whole situation but I could do with some thoughts/ideas on what might be going on and how to help her move through it.

Is she still grieving the relationship? Is her distress and nightly wake ups a form of trauma?

Any thoughts very much appreciated.

Thank you
Nick

Hi, tavistock, and welcome to Psych Central! She definitely still has some emotional ties to him--guilt, perhaps some regret?

Too bad she's not willing to go to counseling. I suggest you go to a counselor to get advice. Maybe your wife will go when she knows you are going, since this issue concerns you so much.

You are not the one to help her solve this issue, I think, and as her partner, she shouldn't expect you to. I honestly think she shouldn't even be telling you about him, if the relationship is truly over.

Maybe some other folks will have some ideas, too. Again, welcome!

You say her ex pursued her for three years. Do you mean stalking?

What I mean is they would hang out and he would regularly be upset about their breakup and begging her to take him back. He couldn't understand why they broke up.

Bless you for posting.

Something that many years later is causing the significant problems you describe should be treated by a professional and not by a partner. That is the goal for now in my opinion. She can benefit from professional help.

Therefore I like travelinglady's idea of you seeing a counselor yourself, so as to find out how best to speak with her and encourage her to find a counselor, to deal with your own feelings about the situation, and to set an example for her.

Usually I like brainstorming possible approaches to these problems, but this time I really come up with nothing--which to me is indicative that a professional needs to get involved, just like the others are saying. Do you clearly understand why she doesn't want to see a therapist? Maybe you'll find your way forward once you've figured out her reluctance. Is it a financial issue? Is she afraid medication will be prescribed? Does she feel there's stigma to having a therapist?
I'm sure as her partner you can help her considerably. But at the same time, and I'm not a professional, but I wouldn't be surprised if there are things that happened in the past with that ex that she doesn't necessarily want to tell you and that you maybe don't want to hear.