Trying to figure things out.....

I think my husband is BPD and I am working hard to make my marriage work. He is a wonderful man but when he gets into one of his episodes he is like a different person. I have done some reading on this disorder and he seems to fit the profile. I am beginning to notice when it is coming. It is complicated and I am trying one small step at a time to do my best.
Any advise would be helpful.
Thank you!

I can relate! Can you explain further?

His 'episodes' are not violent but he will verbally blame me for how he is feeling. If he is tired or hungry he orders me to do things like and he does them in a nasty way. Also, anything that is going wrong,( the internet going out) or something that I have no control over, it is my fault. It's on me, as he will tell me.

I almost am able to tell when he is going to start an episode because he will tell me how horrible his life is, that no one likes him, that he is loser, and then it starts. He is not a loser at all, he has a good job and people basically like him but he doesn't believe that. He did have a tough start to life and also battled with alcohol and drugs but that was 30 years ago with few slip ups in between.

I did not know him until 5 years ago and we have been married for not quite 2 years. He has started to have a few beers but lately he is drinking more and he says it helps to "quiet the voices." Those voices are that he is a loser and no one likes him and he is not a good person.

I know these issues are not serious but I am trying to get things on a better road. He will say he has a mental illness but will not do anything about it. So here is a bit more about what is going on.

Thank you!

My partner is currently working through the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy workbook that's originally designed for BPD. Maybe that may help him, too? I've seen progress so far.. but it'll take time and commitment to "retrain the brain", as my partner calls it.

If you think it's BDP, ask him to see a doctor and get a diagnosis. The only way you will know is if you get a doctor to diagnose him. Otherwise, it's a waste of time to try to speculate and think of therapeutic solutions and diagnoses on your own without true tests or a doctor's input. I don't agree with the advice to start a DBT workbook without a diagnosis from a doctor. He could also be a toxic or abusive personality.

I wasn't suggesting to "start the DBT workbook". My partner's psychologist/therapist recommended this workbook, judging by the concerns he expressed in their sessions. DBT was designed for BPD but is not limited to. You don't have to have a formal BPD diagnosis to use this workbook.

If you ARE interested in it, I'd talk with him and see if he'd be interested in booking an appointment with whomever (doctor, psychologist, therapist) and see if it's a good fit for him. At the very least, it'll open up a conversation, one way or another, and you can express what behaviours you're noticing.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would address these behaviours, too.

From what I understand CBT and DBT are very similar but that DBT is more in depth, and has been said to be "better" by those who have used both. Just putting it out there.

I bought the DBT - Anxiety workbook online, for myself. I don't have a formal anxiety diagnosis but a therapist once recommended the CBT for me.. and so I'm trying this, instead.

It seems your husband may be abusive towards you. Nastiness, blame and control are all abusive behaviors.

I disagree. These are serious enough for you to be concerned and for these 'issues' to be rather unpleasant.

From reading your post, I also find them quite alarming. Anything starting small as warning signals if left unattended, can escalate rather drastically.

He should do something about it. If he doesn't want to, you (both) need to have a conversation about boundaries. What he is doing and saying is impacting on you, his life partner. So, yes, you do have a say in what is happening. And if he refuses to take action when something he does seriously impacts you, I would question this relationship. It would then not be an equal, mutual, partnership but a one-way street relationship

Thank you for the feedback. I agree that there needs to be a diagnosis and help of some sort. I so appreciate the feedback.
Thank you! Thank you!