So, I am alone but still have contact with a married man online

I still write him because he is supportive and kind. He is nice to me though we have never met. He says he will come visit but I am not counting on this due to the pandemic. So, I am alone but am happy. I don't see anything wrong with communicating with him. He is upbeat and encourages me. I do like him but am in no hurry to meet him. If he comes, I will meet him, of course. He has his problems too which I have tried to encourage him too to overcome. He is my age and very nice. I like him but also like being alone. I think we are good online friends although he says he wants me to be faithful to him. Well, I am faithful to him because I have no interest in meeting other men for now. He accepts my illness and this has been a major reason why I like him a lot. He never puts my illness against me and has always encouraged me. I do like him personally. He wants to meet me when possible. So, here I am writing about it because I am all alone but feel happy with him.

He is Muslim and is European descent. He is well-educated and classy. He is very sweet! He is also very sexy. But, this may be my fantasizing about him. I am not religious and don't know much about Islam. But, he is kind to me and accepts me for me. I like him but know since he is married, I will never be a priority in his life. I don't mind because I like my solitude for now. He talks about taking care of his mother to me but never talks about his wife to me. He also never talks about his children with me. He talks about business and his mother often though. We flirt occasionally. I know he likes me too. So, this is what attracts me to him.

I really don't want a regular relationship. I really like my solitude at times. He has been perfect for me because I don't have to deal with him all of the time. I don't know if this is odd, but it works for me.

I did date one man near by and this married man said he was not going to talk to me anymore if I slept with this other man. So, I did not. I felt quite odd because here I was listening to an online married man tell me what to do. But, I'm glad I did not sleep with the near by man because of the pandemic.
So, this married man saved me from harm.

Since this incident, I have not dated anybody else and don't intend to do so because of the pandemic.

He talks about other women he has been involved with. This does not bother me because I have talked about other men with him.

So, we are online friends for now and confide in each other for now. I don't mind seeing him if he comes here too. I feel like retiring from the dating scene and have. I am happy with my set up for now. I know he is a free spirit but so am I. However, we have remained in contact for almost a year now and we are happy with each other. We are not pining away for each other. But, we are holding onto each other despite our distance and obstacles.

Have you asked him how his wife feels about your online affair? Most healthy marriages are monogamous physically and emotionally. I would be worried that if his wife doesn't agree with it that the two of you may damage other peoples' emotional lives.

Unless you have video chatted with him and have seen a copy of his driver's license or passport, you could easily be the victim of a catfish. No one is who they "claim" to be online.

How does this online fantasy help your loneliness? Are there other ways you can fill that void offline?

Agreed.

OP, I must ask, do they have an open marriage where emotional affairs and other people in their lives are acceptable?

If the man and his wife are Muslim, polygamy is part of their religion. So monogamy is not necessarily a consideration?

That is very controlling behavior on this man's part. What right does HE have dictating whether you sleep with someone else? Why are you listening to someone who is being controlling of you in this way? He probably has sex with his wife, so why can't you have sex yourself? That's ridiculous.

Some, not all, Muslim communities do practice polygamy but it doesn’t mean they have affairs or are allowed to have sex with strangers, it means they can marry additional women and it doesn’t suppose to be a secret. In this case it doesn’t sound like he is looking for an additional woman to marry or he’d mention it.

Yeah my point was, monogamy was not the issue. More like, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Or does that need to be rewritten? A bird on the line is worth more than one in hand, because it will bite the hand that feeds it. To mix some metaphors!

Fantasy is easier in some some aspects than reality. I spend my fantasy time here. Why criticize the OP or her friend for how they spends theirs? Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. They are just talking online. No big deal.

You are making a statement, an update, about what is happening with you. I don’t see a question here from you for any concern about anything you wrote here. Is there something in this that you struggle with?

Polygamy, only on his part, as much.

The culture from which he claims to come devalues and objectifies women systematically. The Taliban murdered girls who tried to go to school. That is just factual information, not me judging. It is reality
You are an adult. As long as you understand and don't mind being devalued and dehumanized, you should do what you want. Just my $.02.

Not every Muslim devalues and dehumanizes women and not every Muslim belongs to fundamentalist Islamic groups. Certainly not every Muslim is a Taliban. Ton of Muslims are moderate in their practices and are kind and loving husbands and fathers.

There are Christian groups that very intolerant and don’t respect and don’t value women either. By this logic we shouldn’t date Christians either.

There are many different denominations and groups and cultures that practice Islam, they are all different. There is no collective “Muslim culture”. This stereotyping is unnecessary fear inducing.

This particular man is no good, he is clearly interested in something on a side despite being married, which sadly happens all the time with all kinds of people. It doesn’t mean women in general shouldn’t consider Muslim men as partners. Why generalize...

I think the point here is that bpforever1 has chosen to entangle herself with a married man who happens to be Muslim and that culture and religion has a core system of negating and invalidating the 'other.'

bpforever1, did you create this thread for advice? Not sure what you need from the PC community.

I was just seeking opinions and advice in general which I received. I have not met him yet and don't know when we will meet if ever given the current situation. I am lonely at times and he fills my void. I understand that since he is married, I won't be his priority in life. Right now, he is helping his mother who is dying. He rarely talks to me now because of his situation. However, he has stated he wants to come here to retire one day. But, since everything is up in the air, I don't know what will happen. I do like him as as person because he is supportive of me and gives me advice. I really don't have any other friends because I got sick and tired of telling people about myself and asking them to understand my situation. I have not always done well as some people know here. I have written about my times with psychosis but miraculously have recovered to the point where I am now living independently and working. I feel fine except this man has been my only vice. He is a vice because I know he is married and probably does not take me too seriously. But, he wants to be with me when we meet. So, I am wondering what to make of it except that he is nice and understanding. May be, I'm wasting my time on him, but truthfully I am not interested in a regular relationship now because I need to really focus on my work and myself.

@bpforever1, I personally think you should make other friendships besides one you have with a married man, but I understand it's not so easy to just make friends, especially during a pandemic and when friendships are not instantly created. You didn't answer the question about whether his wife would be OK in knowing you two are in touch and have been involved emotionally online for a year, or whether they have some sort of open marriage arrangement.

IF they do NOT have an open marriage and IF his wife would be hurt by what is going on, then it's dangerous territory that you're stepping in. Also, if they have children, this kind of thing is devastating to a wife and the entire family, even when no sex is involved.

You call him a vice, which means he is a habit you know is bad for you. He’s like smoking cigarettes to you. He’s not good for you, but you enjoy and don’t want to quit.

Does this emotional affair have potential to really hurt you? Could his wife find out and potentially come to your door? Do you feel anything regarding being the other woman to a married man and how that might hurt his family? These are questions for you to ponder.

You seem to have a good handle on how you don’t want a real relationship with anyone right now, so this man is filling a loneliness void, and that’s all he is.

You could find someone available to fill the void who has potential to be a real relationship or at least, doesn’t have a family during pandemic without meeting in person for now.

His telling you to be faithful to him, while he has a family and other affairs, is so controlling of him it’s laughable. Don’t really give anyone else up for him that you want to pursue. You can tell him or not tell him whatever you want. Don’t assume he is being totally honest with you.

He is in an open marriage. He lived with two other women while he was married to his wife and not with his wife. He got married very young he said and he has been seeing other women for some time. He says he is a free spirit. I'm sure his wife knows all about his dalliances and affairs. I really don't know who she is or why she allows him to do this to her. I don't know even if he is living with her now. He lives with his mother but never mentions his wife except in passing. I don't know the exact living arrangement he has now. I do know he is close to his mother and cares for her deeply since she is dying. Also, his children are grown and out of the house. He travels a lot to Africa and back a lot to Europe. No, he is not African but Muslim European. I like him a lot but know he is far from perfect. He listens well and offers good advice. I like him because he accepts me as a total package. I was afraid of falling for him but now that I have, I just accept his statements and situation. I should have avoided telling him my deepest thoughts and problems. But, it is too late to say this. I will just deal with it as is. I don't expect him to marry me or anything serious. I have enough trouble taking care of myself. So, we are close acquaintances now at best.

Since you are an adult nothing any of us advise you to do is required. All we can do is read what you write and post a response to it.

You write that you don’t want to pursue real life friendships because they’re too much of a bother for you. Yet you completely trust someone you’ve never met in real life, who you’ve only been writing back-and-forth with online.

You haven’t even written if you’ve seen what this man even looks like or what he sounds like. If all you have are words on a screen, from him, then you really are playing with fire. Have you actually had a video call with him? Because he can send you pictures from Google image and you’d have no clue if those were really him or not. I think you’re playing with fire because you are lonely.

There are episodes of Dr. Phil of this exact situation where Women got emotionally groomed by so-called men online, who happened to live in a poor Third World country and whose only motive was to steal that white woman’s money which they successfully did.

You are knowingly participating in this shared fantasy. This is the risk with online communication. It’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy of who you think someone is online because of the way they write. But that’s not reality. Reality only exists off-line.

Married men carrying on online relationships will often lie. He could very well be lying about having an open marriage. And how is it that they’re still married if he’s lived with two other women but was still married? Sounds awfully suspicious to me.

And "he" could be a "she." Or a teenager, or a kid. Unless you have seen this man live during a video call, bpforever1, you really are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I understand that it probably feels less stressful to you, to emotionally invest in him because it's not a real offline relationship. You can control what you write and you perceive that you have more control over what he thinks of you, because this is all online. But it's actually more dangerous.

He could be catfishing you for financial reasons. You just can't verify that anything he's told you is the actual truth. That is the downside of online communication. Unless you work with a detective agency or pay background websites to check his identity, you have no idea who he really is.