Using my kid to manipulate me

My sister in law is the kind of person who will immediately ghost you and not speak to you for several years if you don't agree with everything she says and always walk 2 paces behind her. She has a long history of holding long grudges.
She held one against my husband for 7 years because he disagreed with her on a political matter. 3 years ago, she attacked me through social media with false accusations of prejudice and gossip. I counter argued with facts trying to make her see she was wrong and rather than call me to talk through it, she shut me out of her life and never spoke to me or anyone in my family again. So here we are in 2020, my daughter just celebrated her 16th birthday. Today in the mail was a gift from my SIL (initial necklace with a diamond in it for my daughter) and a note to my daughter telling her how special she is and she deserves diamonds for her special birthday and how much her auntie loves her. By the way, my other daughter just had a birthday and was ignored by this woman. Where was this woman for the past 3 birthdays my kids had? She was no where, silent, a ghost....totally ignored my kids existence for the past 3 years. I call BS on this!!! I have no patience for someone who attacked me 3 years ago and almost cost me my marriage who now thinks she can waltz back in giving my kid gifts (only one of my kids) like nothing ever happened. I feel it's a set up. My husband's mother is elderly and trying to push in on someone to live with them. My SIL does not want her at her house so I think this is a way to soften us up so the blow of kicking my elderly mother in law into our house is easier to take and we'll say yes to it. Cause all I can think of is, why now? After 3 years this woman suddenly rears her head with showers of gifts and lovey dovey notes. I know for a fact she's a master manipulator and a major narcissist. I'm not buying what she's selling! I'd appreciate some other opinions on this. Thanks for reading this.

Oh dear. Well, it's hard to say without knowing more details and of course, we cannot diagnose on here. That being said, it sure does seem out of the blue, inexplicable and like unpredictable behavior. It is also very odd that she ignored your other daughter's birthday, and all birthdays for three years, then shows up for the 16th birthday - not only that, but with (in my opinion) an over the top gift from someone who had blocked you from their life for years?

I think you need to trust your own gut reaction on this one. If you say she's manipulative and a narcissist, trust your own reactions and conclusions. Only you know the full history with this woman, and all her behaviors and actions.

At the very least, it's a head scratcher and is certainly suspect in my honest opinion. I would be wary of it too.

And you have to ask yourself, what kind of person blocks out family members simply for a disagreement? That is certainly unstable behavior and is not normal behavior. She certainly has something, but I cannot say what.

Thank you so much Have Hope for your reply. This is a very tough spot to be in for me and is causing me a lot of anxiety and fear. I had hoped others would weigh in as well but guess not. Thanks again for your thoughts on this.

Lovethesun, my father's family were champion grudge holders.Two of my uncles did not speak for decades. They only started to speak when one was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

I agree with Hope. Trust your gut. If you believe she is being manipulative she probably is. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, a girl's 16th birthday is a big deal for some people. Maybe that's the reason for the necklace. Again, trust your gut. I would keep my guard up dealing with her.

Thank you Lizardlady!

That is very strange that your SIL did not communicate with you for such a long time and suddenly got such an extravagant gift for your daughter. Had she interacted with your daughter before this or had she been distant with her catching her off guard with this expensive gift?

My SIL had been distant with my daughter then suddenly caught her off guard with this expensive gift. I resent my SIL playing games with my daughter's emotions as well.

If there was no issue about taking in your MIL, how would you feel about her sending the necklace?

I agree that your instincts are probably right about her though.

What kind of person blocks out family members simply for a disagreement? It’s a person who doesn’t truly care about you. I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching about this, as I’ve had it happen within my own family. There are factors of pride, narcissistic qualities, triggered traumatic wounds misdirected, many factors. But the simple answer is they don’t care or they would have tried to make amends.

Sending the necklace may have been her way to try to make amends. But, as you suspect ulterior motives concerning you having to take in your MIL, maybe she was not sincere.

You could try to have a civil conversation with her to figure it out and try to put this relationship on the right track, but I don’t know if that will go very well. I had no luck with it. Does it hurt to try? Can it make anything worse? Do you care to try? Do you really care that much about each other?

The issue of taking in your MIL is a separate issue you will have to deal with anyway. (I have that issue, too )

Thank you Tishabiv! You raise some very good points. As far as trying to have a civil conversation with her, I don't think that will work. I was trying to do that when this whole situation blew up. I mentioned to her point by point all her accusations and how each one was not true and the reasons why. I did this in a very civil diplomatic way. She continued with her attacks an even drug my family into it by making accusations about them. Before I could respond, she removed me from her social media contacts then never spoke to me again.

She does not care. As you said she would have put forth an effort to make amends. She has not done that. She's had 3 years to call me, she's had 3 years of birthdays and holidays which she ignored, and she ignored my whole family...not just me and it was me she had the argument with. A caring person does not do this. Perhaps she's trying to have a life with my kids but still plans to keep me shut out. That won't work. My kids are smarter than that and they've seen her hold these grudges. They really don't even know her that well because she's spent 70% of their lives holding grudges against us and not acknowledging our existence. My only choice is to see this expensive gift and think "what does she want?"

Ok thanks for clarifying. This is when you focus on how your daughter feels. Given that her aunt chose to give her such an expensive gift she can accept and appreciate it without involving herself in any of the disagreements that her aunt has with you or your husband.

This situation only becomes a manipulative tactic if you allow it. This is an opportunity to sit with your daughter and explain to her that you have had problems with her aunt but she doesn’t have to be part of that and can simply show appreciation for the aunt giving her such a nice gift.

You can have a conversation with your daughter about how this aunt can be as a person. There is nothing wrong with observing behaviors in others to learn about that other persons character traits. Your daughter can choose to show good manners and thank this aunt for this very special gift. Your daughter doesn’t need to feel she needs to include herself in any disagreements or negative interactions of others.

Your daughter can choose to be a nice person and at the same time distance herself from getting involved with any disputes others may be having. This is an important life lesson for your daughter. She needs to learn that she is only going to be used as some kind of pawn if she LETS that happen.

This is a situation that your daughter needs to learn how SHE can best navigate. As this kind of dynamic will come up at other times in her life too. Your daughter can be her own person and observe the overall character of others and choose not to become anyone’s pawn but instead just be a good independent nice person

There is only motive and manipulation if you allow it. Yes this is YOUR daughter. Yet she is also coming of age where she needs to also be her own person too. .

Your daughter is becoming a young lady now too. She is not a kid anymore and it’s important your emotions about this not be projected onto her. I am saying this to you because your daughter is at the age now where she can start learning how to set boundaries when others try to project their emotions onto her. She will come across this challenge many times in her life so this is actually a good opportunity to teach her how to identify projections and not accept these projections. She can learn how to develop healthy emotional boundaries for herself. These ARE important years for our children to learn this.

This aunt that lashes out or ghosts others that have different opinions is clearly a person who is insecure. She practices punishing behaviors when others do not agree with her. This is a character trait that your daughter should learn about and how to navigate when encountering this kind of person.

I agree with Open Eyes about your daughter’s feelings about the gift.

She probably knows there’s been friction between the family anyway.

I’d want her to feel good about the nice necklace and thank her aunt, and I think you would not tell her it was a possible manipulation tactic. Sixteen is a special birthday.

Yes, I agree with you and Open Eyes. It's my daughter that received the gift so the focus should be on my daughter expressing thanks to the aunt for sending it and following good manners. I should also not allow my issues with the aunt to cloud my daughter enjoying the necklace.

But between you all here and me, I feel I need to say that I don't pretend not to see the strategy in this. By sending a nice gift, it puts the burden on my daughter to contact her to say thanks. Why could this aunt not just call my daughter to say Happy Birthday? This woman should come to us, not us go to her.

I also find it pretty crafty on the aunt's part to circumvent me by going to my kid. So she'll love up to my kids which will force me to soften to her. Pretty slick. Though she could save her money and her time by simply displaying some humility and picking up the phone to speak directly to me and acknowledge wrongs in order to move forward. But she won't do it. Oh well. I give her a year. She'll get mad at us again over something stupid and then she'll stop speaking to us again for the next 3 years. I just get sick of giving people like this multiple chances. She just needs to F off for good.

LovetheSun. It’s ok to be suspect of the aunts motives by giving such an expensive gift. Yet you don’t have to invest a lot of emotions into it. You can simply chose to be gracious. Your daughter can also be gracious and thankful. It doesn’t mean you have to be or do anything more than be gracious.

Rather than having your daughter phone her aunt, why not go with her while she picks out a really nice thank you card.
That way, she can express her thanks in a heartfelt way without being put in a position of being manipulated by her aunt, if indeed that is the aunt's intent. Your daughter can feel good about thanking her aunt also for the beautiful gift.

Thank you RockyRoad!! That is a great idea!

I agree, the Thank You note from your daughter is the way to go. No phone call is necessary, and you don’t have to do or say anything.

Rocky road beat me in suggesting a thank you card. Your daughter could even add a hand written note to the card.

I understand how you feel but the gift is for your daughter, she should send a thank you card and enjoy the gift.

Btw I am very surprised you have more kids. You make lot of Posts about your daughter and you never mentioned you have two. Is the other one very young?

Now that your daughter is at this age, it's time to sit and talk to her about being causeous with people that hand her gifts like this as often there are strings attached that she may not be aware of. Sometimes it's a way in so that the person giving the gift can get information about others be it in a group or a family. There CAN be hidden motives involved that a young niave person that she still is right now may not yet understand. It can be an effort to single out, get some interactions going where the person is gradually grooming for information, to get something they want that the person receiving the gift or compliment may not recognize at first.

This is something practiced ALL THE TIME when it comes to human beings too. This is an effort to draw someone in, this kind of interaction happens a lot online too. Lots of people use tricks to get people to interact and share information about themselves or to get attention to buy things too. It's nice to get things, it's nice to believe someone might care too, yet, it's ALWAYS important to pay attention to the fact that this other person may WANT SOMETHING from you that you may not know yet.

It's important to let your daughter know "I love you" and want you to be happy and I want what's best for you. Unfortuantely, in the world out there, a lot of people are not like that and instead they look to take advantage of your lack of experience and they use you and try to pull you in for something THEY want from you.

Often we do love our child and try to raise them to be a nice person too. Yet, that being a nice person can make them a target for someone who preys on that "nice" for their own gain that the "nice" girl may not understand yet.

You CAN share your concerns about this aunt with your daughter without making her confused or feeling bad about getting this nice gift. She CAN be gracious and thankful, yet at the same time have boundaries where she doesn't owe this aunt anything but a gracious thank you and "thank you auntie for this amazing gift". It doesn't have to be anything more than that or mean you suddenly have to invite that aunt in where she might want you as an unsuspecting informant or to gain influence either.

Truth is, there are many things out there in the world designed to influence us. Things for us to buy or try or how to follow fashion or trends or groups and to invest ourselves for someone else's gain. It's important to always consider "now what does this person want from me?".