Need to stay gone

Hi. I’m very recently single after an almost 3 year nightmare with my ex who is a (from what I understand having researched NPD for countless hours) malignant narcissist. The abuse is just like the literature describes: love bombing, gas lighting, devaluation, abandonment, constant cheating, anger and often rage, stealing, non stop manipulation, lying lying and more lying, triangulation, physical and major financial abuse.

I’m so exhausted and dumbfounded having found myself in this situation in my mid 40s. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship til now and I’m angry at myself first for not recognizing what was going on until I was fully invested in the relationship, second for not loving myself enough to leave immediately when I did figure out what was happening, and third for going back to the asshole time after time even though I knew he’d take advantage of me again.

I guess I’m “trauma bonded” at this point because there’s no other explanation to why I would allow it to keep happening when I’m an educated woman who is not normally passive and can (I thought) stand up for myself.

It’s only been two days that I’ve went no contact with my ex. He’s contacted me 19 times in the last few days, mostly through text and the rest phone calls. I have not answered any calls or texts. The texts go from telling what a horrible human I am to asking if he gets to see me that night and how much he misses me. All that while he is currently seeing and staying at another woman’s house.

Even through all the abuse I find myself missing him. At least the sweet part of him. He is a master manipulator and can woo me with his charm very easily. I hate that. I hate that I know he’s full of **** but I go and see him just to feel good for a short time and ease my anxiety. I know I’m only going to get his scraps of affection yet I do it anyway.

I’ve always been the pretty blonde girl with an hour glass figure and never had as low of self esteem like I do at this point. I feel utterly ugly and unlovable.

In joining this forum I hope I can glean some more clarity as to how and why I got in this position, why I attracted a narcissist, how not to attract another one going forward, and what I hope for the most is; to get myself back, the person I once was who was fun loving, social, kind, brave, confident, smart, and humble-if that’s even possible. Crossing my fingers because this is no way to live.

Well you are attractive and confident and a fun loving woman. You attracted this guy because you are a neat object he wanted to play with and have for his own ego feed. Narcissists learn grooming techniques to pull people to them. They learn petting techniques that keep others involved with them so they get their ego feed. Every time he pulls you back in he gets his ego fed. It’s never about caring about you instead it’s all about his own ego.

Lots of people get drawn in by this kind of person not just you. Yes they can have a seeming sweet loving side to them. They can work hard on this part as it gets them what THEY want. It’s bait they know works to get control of others for their narcissistic feed.

Welcome to Psych Central, igbsywas. The Survivors of Abuse forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link just in case you haven't already found it:

https://psychcentralforums.com/survivors-of-abuse/

And then here are links to a selection of a dozen articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest:

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

How to Heal (Hesitantly) From Narcissistic Abuse

How to Recover from a Narcissistic Relationship | The Exhausted Woman

3 Biggest Myths About Healing From Narcissists, Debunked

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...ving-with-one/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...-manipulation/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...-a-narcissist/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...rauma-bonding/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...ssistic-abuse/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ship-patterns/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...on-compulsion/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...tional-wounds/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I suggest that you block him on all methods of communication. If you block him you won't hear his abuse or be tempted by his lies.

What Bill said.

From this article, The 4 types of people narcissists are attracted to - Insider

According to psychotherapist Karen Arluck, who was answering a post on Quora, generally speaking, most people with narcissistic personality disorder want to feel good about themselves, so they gravitate towards people who will make that happen. Either they will feel special through association, or they will feel powerful in taking down someone who appears mentally, physically, or emotionally strong.

There are four types of people who narcissists tend to be attracted to, according to Arluck:

1. People who are impressive in some way, either in their career, hobbies and talents, their friendship circles, or family.
2. Someone who will make the narcissist feel good about themselves, through compliments or gestures.
3. Anyone who will reflect well on them in the eyes of other people.
4. Someone who validates their feelings, overlooks their flaws, and who isn't likely to leave them during the narcissistic abuse.

So, really anyone can attract a narcissist. So the next question you may want to ask yourself is: why did you keep going back, after you saw the traits and abusiveness? Perhaps something to explore with a therapist.

Sometimes, we hold onto a toxic relationship due to fear of being alone, a fear that no one else will want us, and low self esteem. The thought sometimes is, well something is better than nothing.

Perhaps there were red flags early on that you ignored, explained away or dismissed? If so, what were they? Love bombing early in the relationship is a big red flag indicating trouble ahead.... can you think of other red flags you may have ignored?

Learning what the red flags are, and how to avoid them next time is a great lesson for the future.

Now it's time to continue no contact and rebuild your self esteem and self worth. And don't lose your nerve and break no contact. That's exactly what he wants is your attention. Don't give it to him. You've dealt with too much abuse already. Stay no contact, and work on your own healing and mending.

Do you have a therapist? If not, you may want to seek counseling services to help you through this.

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry you had to deal with such a nightmare. Good news is, you got out and now you can be on the mend.

Block him. Keep yourself busy with other things, stay occupied with other stuff for the first few weeks so you don’t go back to him out of anxiety. He sounds like a disaster.

As about attracting such people it could be influenced by how you were brought up etc but I am not about to analyze your childhood to death.

The way I look at it we can’t help who we attracted, but we can help who we enter a relationship with. People reveal themselves pretty quickly. Within first few months of dating. You just have to pay attention. Not rationalize and not look for excuses. Have a list of deal breakers, get out as soon as you see something is off. It’s important not to become intimate right away, don’t move in and certainly don’t marry. Good therapy can help to address the roots of it and your response to things

Good job leaving him, now stay away. Hugs

@igbsywas you have not responded, are you ok?

Please don't beat yourself up. There are people that get very good at selling themselves to others and get very good at being BS artists. Their goal is to somehow be at the top and they WILL use anyone they can if it proves helpful to them getting there. It's all about their OWN high and elation and their own "ego drunk". They gravitate towards thinking about themselves as "superior", even having special powers. They already learned how to practice fake petting to keep others engaged, but this is all about them.

Please understand that you are not the first to experience what you are feeling.

Of course you miss him. That love bombing phase feels incredible and who wouldn't like being adored? The problem is that there will always be the abuse. Remind yourself that what you miss was a manipulation to feed his narcissistic supply.

Keep ignoring his attempts for contact. They may get more intense before they drop off. I have also experienced the "hate messages" followed by "love messages" from an abuser with a personality disorder, and they will eventually let up entirely when you no longer become a source of narcissistic supply to them.

You will heal, but it will take time. I know that doesn't help right now because you feel bad. But it's normal to feel bad after this happens, as you heal, you will shed his shadow of negativity.

There is so much online about this...you could be studying it forever. It still hurts.

I will hand out one observation based on my experience. For some reason one becomes vulnerable and that is when the narcissist steps in. I have noticed that I only attract toxic people when I am going through a tough time.

What was happening before you met him? Did you have some disappointments in your life? Were you lonely? Were you dealing with life difficulties i.e. a rough patch in your career, change in finances, losing a family member?

What red flags did you ignore?

Usually the narcissist shows a false front to the world. It is like a mask. They will mold themselves in a way that you find pleasing. When that mask is finally ripped off...it is a real trauma. I think this is the most difficult thing to accept. You don't miss the narcissist. You miss who you thought the narcissist was.

I just went through this with a friend...a very old friend. I ignored red flags such as bad behavior towards me, the friend not keeping promises...and finally...lies...outright boldface lies...duplicity...gaslighting...put-downs...but I woke up once and for all when... the person exploded in a tantum-like rage and tore their mask off altogether...and said extremely cruel and mean things. Because of the length of the friendship this person knew exactly what would hurt me the most. This happened last April and I am still traumatized. I never thought I would cry so much over a gal pal...but to me she was like a sister and we shared so much history. I still can't believe this happened. I did not see it coming.

Of course a few months later came the text about how the pandemic is making everyone a bit crazy....lalala...like making light of the fact I was basically soul-murdered by well-chosen daggers.

No.

No. I said no. I said the trauma of this witchery sent me into sessions of online counseling for PTSD and basically I wanted no further contact. (I have kept to that.)

I realized this person was just "hoovering" back to see if they could extort more attention. They didn't apologize and did not care at all how their actions affected me.

No Contact is the ONLY way. Become educated,,,because you need to confirm it for yourself that no contact is the best way to go.

Malignant narcissist abuse is such a shockingly painful experience - personally I think it is one of the worst hells on earth - it erodes our sense of trust and love (for a time) - and I am very very sorry you are in the thick of it.

If you fail at no contact, try again. Don't think it won't work. It will. It can take multiple attempts before you are strong enough. Take care of yourself (especially well) during this painful time in your life.

Best of luck. Be strong.

I'm glad you recognised, and got out of this toxic relationship. Not many people are able to do so. Going forward, you now have new awareness re what you want, what you will put up with and what is abusive... what a loving relationship looks like.

Cut off all relations with him - block, delete, ignore his attempts to reel you in!