Is it possible to remain friends?

The_little_didgee · Aug 01, 2020 at 11:59 AM

Last fall a male friend who is married admitted he was attracted to me. I was stunned to learn this, since the couple has been friends for years. He told me, that he wanted to leave his wife, because certain things were missing from his relationship. I told him that I couldn’t date him, nor alleviate his tensions, which appears to be the main reason why he asked. We ended the conversation amicably.

A few weeks ago I saw him for the first time since that conversation. It was a bit uncomfortable, but we were nice to each other. Soon it became clear that he still had feelings for me when he asked for a sexual favor. I turned him down again and haven’t seen him since. We did have one very short conversation on the phone shortly after that, when he told me that he would like us to remain friends (I think that is a very bad idea). I’m curious to know if it’s possible to remain friends with this man. Is it? How would the friendship work if strict boundaries are put in place?

Severing this friendship seems like the better thing to do.

Rive. · Aug 01, 2020 at 12:19 PM

In this case, no.

Seemingly, he likes you as more than a friend. Do you think he could just switch to platonic friendship? Bad idea.

divine1966 · Aug 01, 2020 at 04:02 PM

I wouldn’t want to be friends with married people who ask others for sexual favors. I’d not recommend to be friends with him

Open Eyes · Aug 01, 2020 at 06:55 PM

It’s important to be respectful of his marriage. He was out of line when he asked you to be a person he could cheat on his wife with. You are friends with her too right? Walk away from this one this guy wants to cheat on his wife. Not good friend material.

WovenGalaxy · Aug 01, 2020 at 08:33 PM

Hi Little Didgee, I agree with you that severing the friendship is the right thing to do. Is he still married? If it were me, that would be awkward to see them together and have to act normal after someone's husband came on to me. Are you going to tell his wife?

Crazy Hitch · Aug 01, 2020 at 11:25 PM

Definitely a big NO to maintaining any sort of "friendship" with this person. Trust your gut.

Have Hope · Aug 02, 2020 at 06:02 AM

I would not remain friends with this man. He is not respectful to his wife or to you. You already set a boundary with him, yet he still asked you for a sexual favor? NO. No friendship.

The_little_didgee · Aug 02, 2020 at 12:32 PM

Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate them.

I had to quote everyone the long way, because the multi-quote button didn't work.

Quote:

Do you think he could just switch to platonic friendship?

No, I don’t think he can.

Quote:

He was out of line when he asked you to be a person he could cheat on his wife with.

He was definitely out of line.

When he told me how he felt, I wasn’t flattered at all. I actually felt very uncomfortable, like I was suddenly relegated to what I call 'object status' and pushed into the middle of their relationship problems, a place that I never wanted to be in.

Quote:

You are friends with her too right?

Yes, which makes this very awkward.

Quote:

If it were me, that would be awkward to see them together and have to act normal after someone's husband came on to me.

It was very awkward when I last saw them. I’m not very good at acting, so I had to limit my time in their presence. Plus his wife was acting strange. Her communication was indirect and a bit nasty.

Quote:

Are you going to tell his wife?

No, it’s not my place to say anything. Telling her would also create a lot of unnecessary drama. Anyway, she might already know.

Quote:

He is not respectful to his wife or to you.

He definitely hasn’t been respectful especially to his wife.

I’m not going to continue my friendship with this couple. It’s not worth it. It’s sad, but I know it is the right thing to do.

Open Eyes · Aug 02, 2020 at 08:34 PM

He showed you his true character. He was willing to sneak behind his wife’s back and wanted you to go along with it. That’s deceptive and dishonest behavior.

You are making the right choice by distancing from this couple completely.

divine1966 · Aug 03, 2020 at 01:37 AM

Smart choice to stay away from them both. Very wise

The_little_didgee · Aug 03, 2020 at 03:19 PM

I sent an email to the man telling him that I can no longer continue my friendship with him and his wife. He sent back a short neutral reply. I am okay with it even though I have no idea how he feels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

He showed you his true character. He was willing to sneak behind his wife’s back and wanted you to go along with it. That’s deceptive and dishonest behavior.

Yes, he did.

Next time I am ever in this situation, the friendship will be severed without delay.

sarahsweets · Aug 04, 2020 at 03:21 AM

Did you tell his wife ? She should know her husband asks other women for sexual favors. I would never speak to him again.

Have Hope · Aug 04, 2020 at 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I’m not going to continue my friendship with this couple. It’s not worth it. It’s sad, but I know it is the right thing to do.

Agreed that it's the right thing to do. Some people are not meant to be long-term friends in our lives. Some are and some aren't. But you get to choose. And this isn't worth it in any way, shape or form.

The_little_didgee · Aug 06, 2020 at 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Agreed that it's the right thing to do. Some people are not meant to be long-term friends in our lives. Some are and some aren't. But you get to choose. And this isn't worth it in any way, shape or form.

That is so true. People have come and gone in my life. Almost all those friendships faded away due to life circumstances rather than disagreements.

I have a few friendships that are over 20 years old. Those friends mean a lot to me.

Aug 06, 2020 at 02:18 PM

NO it is not. Why would you want to?

Have Hope · Aug 06, 2020 at 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

That is so true. People have come and gone in my life. Almost all those friendships faded away due to life circumstances rather than disagreements.

I have a few friendships that are over 20 years old. Those friends mean a lot to me.

I hear you. I've had people come and go, but the true friends that are meant to last stick around.

LilyMop · Aug 06, 2020 at 04:26 PM

Nope. I definitely would not remain friends with this man.

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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Aug 01, 2020 at 12:19 PM #2 In this case, no. Seemingly, he likes you as more than a friend. Do you think he could just switch to platonic friendship? Bad idea.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 01, 2020 at 04:02 PM #3 I wouldn’t want to be friends with married people who ask others for sexual favors. I’d not recommend to be friends with him
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Aug 01, 2020 at 06:55 PM #4 It’s important to be respectful of his marriage. He was out of line when he asked you to be a person he could cheat on his wife with. You are friends with her too right? Walk away from this one this guy wants to cheat on his wife. Not good friend material.
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WovenGalaxy Magnate Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 2,854 4 4,842 hugs given	Aug 01, 2020 at 08:33 PM #5 Hi Little Didgee, I agree with you that severing the friendship is the right thing to do. Is he still married? If it were me, that would be awkward to see them together and have to act normal after someone's husband came on to me. Are you going to tell his wife?
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Crazy Hitch ɘvlovƎ Member Since Nov 2013 Location: Australia Posts: 18,560 (SuperPoster!) 10 12.6k hugs given	Aug 01, 2020 at 11:25 PM #6 Definitely a big NO to maintaining any sort of "friendship" with this person. Trust your gut.
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,083 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Aug 02, 2020 at 06:02 AM #7 I would not remain friends with this man. He is not respectful to his wife or to you. You already set a boundary with him, yet he still asked you for a sexual favor? NO. No friendship. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Aug 02, 2020 at 08:34 PM #9 He showed you his true character. He was willing to sneak behind his wife’s back and wanted you to go along with it. That’s deceptive and dishonest behavior. You are making the right choice by distancing from this couple completely.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 01:37 AM #10 Smart choice to stay away from them both. Very wise
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sarahsweets Threadtastic Postaholic Member Since Dec 2018 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!) 5 192 hugs given	Aug 04, 2020 at 03:21 AM #12 Did you tell his wife ? She should know her husband asks other women for sexual favors. I would never speak to him again. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society.
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Anonymous44430 Guest Posts: n/a	Aug 06, 2020 at 02:18 PM #15 NO it is not. Why would you want to?
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LilyMop Veteran Member Member Since Sep 2019 Location: U.S. Posts: 709 4 81 hugs given	Aug 06, 2020 at 04:26 PM #17 Nope. I definitely would not remain friends with this man.
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