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sunshinefl
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Default Aug 01, 2020 at 07:32 PM
  #1
Hello there - I am happy to have hopefully found some support and resources for this difficult circumstance.
I am trying to help and support a friend who is dealing with estrangement from his 20+yr old daughter, which has been going on for over 4 years now.
It is heart breaking to watch how devastating this is has been for him. The sheer abruptness of this and with no explanation as to why there has been no contact I think is the most difficult. Also because she is now an adult, he has no parental rights to try to get an information about her. I might add, she has had a history of mental health issues, so not sure how much of that is playing into this estrangement. From what I understand they had a very healthy and loving relationship up until the estrangement, not sure what triggered this. And no explanation was given, so he is blaming himself or trying to figure out what he did wrong.

I want him to be hopeful but yet not sure if that is only prolonging the pain? I have tried to explain/rationalize that unfortunately, this is out of his control. And that he can control how he reacts to this situation. I think he feels like he would be giving up on his daughter if he came to accept this, however, he doesn't really have a choice.
He has been missing her and dwelling on his loss and having a really hard time focusing on moving forward. If anyone has some additional resources, words of wisdom or support, please send my way.
thanks in advance & look forward to hearing from you all
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 07:56 AM
  #2
I hate to say it, but I need to play devil's advocate. I just wonder if your friend is hiding the truth from you. IF their relationship was loving and healthy as he claims, then there would be no reason why she would abandon her own family, unless he had hurt her somehow. Perhaps he was abusive or severely toxic? How much do you really know of your friend? Abusers will hide their abuse from their friends and will lie to their friends. It just doesn't make any sense unless something drastic happened between them that is not telling you about. Something to think about at least.

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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 08:23 AM
  #3
Hi sunshinefl, welcome to Psych Central forums. It's nice of you to reach out in an effort to help your friend. Sometimes an adult child can get involved with either a bad influence person or group and completely distance from a loving parent like that. If his daughter is mentally ill she may be more susceptible and may even have developed a drug problem. Four years and he has not seen her? Does he even know where she is? What kind of mental illness does she have?

Can you share more information so members have more to go on to better advise?
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 10:11 AM
  #4
Unfortunately Children have to take their own decisions at some point and they can certainly be painful ones. Perhaps try to ask your FriEnd some details about what happened. Just try to be kind And supportive in the BEST possible way. Be there to help. Try to do your best. SEnding many Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @sunshinefl, your Family, your FriEnds, their children And EVERYONE of your Loved Ones! Keep Fighting And keep rocking no matter What Happens, OK?!
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 05:36 PM
  #5
thank you for you response. From what I understand, the mother has a history of several boyfriends after my friend and her divorce.. There could have been some abuse as his daughter has some mental health issues, dissociative disorder, that may have developed from a traumatic experience. But I truly believe he would not have abused her in any way, as that just not his character or something he is capable of doing. I have to think that her mental health condition is what has caused this but don't know that much about the disorder. I believe she had some drug issues since her disappearance so again, that might be an issue. As a parent, it is incredibly difficult to not know where or what your child is doing? to know if they are ok? the utter lack of information is so hard. If she had told him, that she hated him and didn't want him to be a part of her life, then at least he would know that this was a conscious decision or would have some type of closure. But as it stands right now, he was not given an info or indication this was coming or to why she was cutting contact.
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 05:46 PM
  #6
Open Eyes - thank you for your response and offering some suggestions or inquiring about the situation. I definitely believe the mental health issues are a factor in the estrangement but not sure if she is consciously choosing this, maybe one of her other personalities is in control and doesn't know of her father? The mother is a very manipulative person and who knows if she has suggested things to turn his daughter against him? He has very little information to go on but does know she was involved in drugs due to a criminal record he found, he does not know her whereabouts but has found a few various Facebook accounts affiliated with her. The mother knew some information earlier in the estrangement but not sure if the daughter has not had contact with her the mother as well. If mother has had contact, she is not sharing any info with him.
Looking to offer him coping mechanisms to deal with this loss. But being a parent myself, I can not even imagine my daughter just disappearing without knowing where, why, for what reason- so many unanswered questions that only the daughter can answer.
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 05:57 PM
  #7
Mickey Cheeky- thanks for your encouragement. I have been done my best to be supportive but this situation is so foreign to me and can not even imagine having to deal with that kind of loss. I am not sure how to encourage as I am not sure she will be part of his life again. As much as I would hope that this is just a phase, I don't know if he will have contact with her again. To me that is heartbreaking to watch and I know it is for him. I would like to encourage him to be hopeful but yet by doing that, I think it makes it harder to move on.
I have tried to explain that unfortunately, this circumstance is out of his control and he can not make her do anything as she is an adult now ( mental health issues aside). I have read that some people disappear/estangement themselves as a protective mechanism and for them to heal. No one really knows what happened, what her rationale was, how she is doing now, there is just so much unknown which makes it difficult.
Obviously, my friend has extreme guilt, trying to rack his brain , if there was something he had done to cause this? if there is something he could have done to prevent this?
It is such a sad situation. I have looked for support groups, thinking finding out how other have dealt with estrangement might be able to give some counsel, support, hope if there are success stories but I have had little luck. That is why I was so please to have finally found this forum. Although Estrangement is not listed as it's own topic, I am happy to have hopefully found some resources and support. Thank you to all of you that took the time to write - it is MUCH appreciated!!!
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Default Aug 02, 2020 at 06:21 PM
  #8
What about finding a private investigator and see if this PI can at least locate his daughter? At least that may help him know where she is.
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Default Aug 03, 2020 at 10:06 AM
  #9
He has tried that with no luck Tried looking on Facebook accounts but little activity. Very frustrating. If you think of any other ideas, please send them my way.
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Default Aug 03, 2020 at 10:16 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by sunshinefl View Post
thank you for you response. From what I understand, the mother has a history of several boyfriends after my friend and her divorce.. There could have been some abuse as his daughter has some mental health issues, dissociative disorder, that may have developed from a traumatic experience. But I truly believe he would not have abused her in any way, as that just not his character or something he is capable of doing. I have to think that her mental health condition is what has caused this but don't know that much about the disorder. I believe she had some drug issues since her disappearance so again, that might be an issue. As a parent, it is incredibly difficult to not know where or what your child is doing? to know if they are ok? the utter lack of information is so hard. If she had told him, that she hated him and didn't want him to be a part of her life, then at least he would know that this was a conscious decision or would have some type of closure. But as it stands right now, he was not given an info or indication this was coming or to why she was cutting contact.
What's unfortunate is the lack of information, and the total lack of communication from her. All that you have is conjecture at this point and guessing as to what happened. You don't know if there was abuse, a drug issue or if it's her mental health that is at play. There's no way to fully know. So unfortunately, you have nothing to go on.

You're a very good friend to come on here to ask on behalf of your friend. But I think it's a case of there's really not much you can do except support him in this as best as you can.

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Default Aug 03, 2020 at 10:22 AM
  #11
Hmm, not even getting a PI involved helped at least locate her. If she is avoiding and withdrawing someplace she may very well not be active with any social media outlet. And if she is homeless and drug addicted, she could be on the street anywhere and no way of finding her.

I am sorry for your friend in that it's terrible to not at least know if she is ok or even alive. How old is his daughter?
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 12:10 AM
  #12
I agree there are so many unknown about this situation. I just requested several books from the library to see if reading any of them will give an good suggestions and also a couple books about disassociative disorder to see if I can try to better understand her condition. If I recall in previous research, estrangement is more common with those with mental illness. Will continue to seek information to better help and support. I have thought about reaching out to the mother to see if she know anything, she will not share any info with my friend, if she does know anything. As I mentioned, this situation is just so heart breaking and to see my friend suffering so much and missing his daughter is difficult to watch. It is definitely taking a toll on him something needs to change.
Really appreciate all the kind words and support.
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 06:19 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by sunshinefl View Post
I agree there are so many unknown about this situation. I just requested several books from the library to see if reading any of them will give an good suggestions and also a couple books about disassociative disorder to see if I can try to better understand her condition. If I recall in previous research, estrangement is more common with those with mental illness. Will continue to seek information to better help and support. I have thought about reaching out to the mother to see if she know anything, she will not share any info with my friend, if she does know anything. As I mentioned, this situation is just so heart breaking and to see my friend suffering so much and missing his daughter is difficult to watch. It is definitely taking a toll on him something needs to change.
Really appreciate all the kind words and support.
You're very involved in this situation and are doing an awful lot of work on this man's behalf. Just an observation, not a judgement. Is your friend also doing this kind of work, or just you? My hope is that this is something you are doing together, and not by yourself. Are you more than just a friend to this man? Sorry if I am being too nosey! Just curious.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Aug 05, 2020 at 07:33 AM..
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Default Aug 05, 2020 at 09:13 PM
  #14
I've experienced estrangement from my children. Son died suicide during it. Daughter was more supported and has been ok despite it. My mental health was at play. Anyway keep in contact, write letters, make phone calls. Reach out in a non invasive way showing you are there for them. Love them etc. Pray.

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Default Aug 07, 2020 at 09:23 AM
  #15
Parenting is hard and I really feel for your friend. Every parent makes mistakes and estrangement is not uncommon, even in loving families. It’s also normal for young adults to go through a period of seeking their own way in the world and pulling away from their parents.

I would suggest that you just listen to your friend’s story with kindness and compassion. There is absolutely nothing you can do to ‘fix’ it. Encourage your friend to see a counselor and encourage him/her to be open minded. Try to be neutral and encourage her/him to see the good things she/he did as a parent and the good things her/his adult child is (hopefully) trying to do in their own life.

I really think counseling would help your friend. This would be a great time for him/her to work on any of their own personal issues - and we all have them. She/he needs kindness and support and there is hope for a better future but it takes some work.
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Default Sep 26, 2020 at 09:46 AM
  #16
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I hate to say it, but I need to play devil's advocate. I just wonder if your friend is hiding the truth from you. IF their relationship was loving and healthy as he claims, then there would be no reason why she would abandon her own family, unless he had hurt her somehow. Perhaps he was abusive or severely toxic? How much do you really know of your friend? Abusers will hide their abuse from their friends and will lie to their friends. It just doesn't make any sense unless something drastic happened between them that is not telling you about. Something to think about at least.

Have Hope, just want to mention that having belonged to parent groups of estranged adult children, most of us do not share with anyone the fact that we are estranged from our Adult Children due to the judgement that surrounds it. For this who have not been suddenly and without explanation cut off from our adult children and usually our beloved grandchildren also, it must be difficult to understand how prevalent it is in our society. There are usually 3 common denominators in this tragedy. 1) an alienating former spouse 2) a spouse of the adult child wanting to interfere in the adult / child relationship 3 or mystery no contact. If there is a problem , issue it isn't shared with the stunned/heartbroken parent. Or it's something silly like " too negative " or "too sensitive" etc which should be able to be discussed and if necessary "agree to disagree" in order to maintain the relationship where most have done the usual sacrifices parents do raising children. The long talks when they are sad teens are long forgotten, the nights walking the floors with them when they are ill, the driving them to this or that club or sports event, band performances , basketball games , never missing a one , not remembered. Working double shifts to put them through college so that they can be the successful adult they say they are today. All forgotten. The babysitting of the children when they go to their high power jobs. No consideration. In fact , they suddenly feel that you are not good enough to care for the children. The children who ache to be with nanny and grampy. Nope , no can do. They know that the best way to "punish" their parents is to with hold the kids. The kids are a collateral damage they are willing to hurt as long as you the parent is hurting worse. Yes some of this is my story, but if you were estranged and belonged to one of the many online groups you would see how typical it is.
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Default Sep 26, 2020 at 09:55 AM
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Have Hope, just want to mention that having belonged to parent groups of estranged adult children, most of us do not share with anyone the fact that we are estranged from our Adult Children due to the judgement that surrounds it. For this who have not been suddenly and without explanation cut off from our adult children and usually our beloved grandchildren also, it must be difficult to understand how prevalent it is in our society. There are usually 3 common denominators in this tragedy. 1) an alienating former spouse 2) a spouse of the adult child wanting to interfere in the adult / child relationship 3 or mystery no contact. If there is a problem , issue it isn't shared with the stunned/heartbroken parent. Or it's something silly like " too negative " or "too sensitive" etc which should be able to be discussed and if necessary "agree to disagree" in order to maintain the relationship where most have done the usual sacrifices parents do raising children. The long talks when they are sad teens are long forgotten, the nights walking the floors with them when they are ill, the driving them to this or that club or sports event, band performances , basketball games , never missing a one , not remembered. Working double shifts to put them through college so that they can be the successful adult they say they are today. All forgotten. The babysitting of the children when they go to their high power jobs. No consideration. In fact , they suddenly feel that you are not good enough to care for the children. The children who ache to be with nanny and grampy. Nope , no can do. They know that the best way to "punish" their parents is to with hold the kids. The kids are a collateral damage they are willing to hurt as long as you the parent is hurting worse. Yes some of this is my story, but if you were estranged and belonged to one of the many online groups you would see how typical it is.
Of course I can understand the variety of situations that can occur. I came up with one example of a situation that can occur -- that perhaps there had been some harm done on the part of the parent, and perhaps that he hadn't told his friend about it. That's just ONE possibility. But of course, I have no idea.

My husband's beloved brother died in 9/11 most tragically. The wife of the late brother decided to estrange herself and her kids from my husband's entire family, very cruelly and without any explanation. She separated herself and her kids from them. It hurt my husband's parents SO very much, to not have any relationship with their son's children - their own grandchildren.

Who knows why she did such a cruel thing to the entire family. Perhaps it hurt HER too much to be constantly reminded of her late husband. I do not know.

Only just recently did they reunite. So now the grandchildren CAN have a relationship with their grandparents.

I am sure that many situations of estrangement are far more complex than meets the eye.

Not quite sure why this thread was revived to point out my post in particular, however. There are plenty of other replies on this thread and the OP has not posted in a long time.

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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 12:06 AM
  #18
Finding people is kind of what I do, though I don't want to do anything until I know it wouldn't be considered stalking or violating a court order. I can at least offer to do a "digital well check". You'll have to inbox me though.

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Default Nov 13, 2020 at 12:05 PM
  #19
He has to try and make ends meet with the child. By bonding with the child and the relationship between him and his child will be strengthened. I suppose you just have to keep supporting him as much as you can. The child has mental issues, so its important for the father has to be involved and be an initiator.
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Default Nov 13, 2020 at 06:44 PM
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It’s an old thread. I am not sure if OP is even reading it
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