Drawing boundaries and firm lines with my husband

I am exhausted from very little sleep, stressed and worn out, so I hope this comes out intelligibly.

My husband talked me into adopting a third cat from his family who lives in California. They cruelly kicked out his childhood nanny (during COVID!!!) after 20 years of living with them, who also owned two cats. They split up the two cats, and we took one of them in.

My husband posed the situation to me in such a way so that I couldn't say no or refuse, or else I would look like a coldhearted big B who could care less about the welfare of the poor cat who was getting kicked out. He said to me it's a humanitarian mission to help this poor cat, who is a family cat. The nanny could not take the cats with her because she barely even has a place to live now. She is allowed to stay with her sister for 2 months only. Then she is on her own to figure out housing.

So I said yes, but to my chagrin. I didn't want a THIRD cat in our home. Not at all. But I felt I couldn't refuse, like I said above.

So we took the cat in, and it's been a nightmare. The cat has been howling and hissing at our other two cats (who have remained calm), and kept us up ALL NIGHT long while she cried and howled. We lost a LOT of precious sleep last night.

My husband wanted to give the cat three weeks, and I had to put my foot down and tell him ONE WEEK ONLY. I cannot lose sleep for three weeks straight IF this keeps up every single day and night!!! So I said, we give it one week and then if it doesn't work out, it's your brother's issue to figure out.

To top it off, he had told the nanny that she could stay the first night with us in our apartment EVEN THOUGH DUE TO TRAVEL SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE IN QUARANTINE FOR 14 DAYS. So I had to put my foot down about that too, saying no, she cannot stay here with us for the first night due to COVID and her traveling.

He also wanted to offer to the nanny that she could visit us and her cat once per month for the next year, staying with US once per month overnight.

So I had to also put my foot down about that, too, telling him, sorry, but I need my privacy and I do not want someone whom I don't even know staying with us once every single month!

I'm exasperated right now over all these issues and with him. I am tired of having to put my foot down, and I am tired of him pushing my limits.

He thinks he can make these decisions and offer our place without asking for my input. I need to tell him he MUST include me in every decision that impacts the two of us together.

Things have been great between us otherwise and ever since I brought up divorce. We still need to get a couples counselor, but due to insurance complications, it will be a while.

In the meantime, I am stuck at home with a miserable and unhappy cat. Right now, the cat is quiet and sleeping, and I wonder if I will be dealing with the howling while I am at home during the day.

This is NOT what I wanted. I wish I had had the guts to say no to adopting this cat, but then I would have been the jerk in the equation.

If he hadn't posed it in such a way that I couldn't refuse though, perhaps we wouldn't be in this nightmare.

Good on you by standing up for yourself, @Have Hope! Yes, it is unfortunate that that cat is making so much noise. Perhaps try to talk to your husband about ALL of this? In any case, try to hang in there for a week at least. Perhaps try some ear-plugs? From what you wrote, it seems like your husband is distressed by ALL of this as well, so perhaps he will UnderstAnd if you talk to him about ALL of this, especially since he seems to have listened to you about Everything else. Give it a try! Please do your best! SEnding maby Safe, Warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your FriEnds, your husband and EVERYONE and your Loved Ones! Keep Fighting and keep rocking no matter What Happens, OK?!

Thanks so much, @MickeyCheeky!

The cat is now awake and crying/meowing. I may need earplugs. Ugh.

I don’t believe having boundaries or non negotiable deal breakers make you a jerk. And if it does, so what. I’d rather be a jerk than miserable in my own home.

We discussed all that when we first met. My husband is easy going about things so details no matter to him. I am the opposite of easy going so non negotiable things need to be a certain way.

I told him that no one (we both have adult children) will live us as I had that issue in the past in other relationship. The only reason they would live with us if they become completely incapacitated. No other reason. Of course since our kids all live out of state as well as his sister and her family (mine lives close by) they are welcome to visit as much as they want (and they do) as long as it’s discussed when/how long so it’s mutually agreeable etc They come and visit and stay and it’s great. No one is moving in (they don’t want to move in but just in case). No friends will live with us. My husband has few friends who actually tried, hhhmm no.. If out of state they are welcome to visit, again upon discussion. If local they visit for dinner but then go home. No pets. My husband would love to have a zoo, both people have to want it. I do not. So no pets.

I like to help people but there are many other ways to do it. NO is a complete sentence.

If you do keep a cat, it might just need more time adjusting.

I am not firm enough with boundaries, and it's something I am trying to learn to do better. I was firm enough about the nanny not staying here the first night AND about her not being allowed to stay with us once per month every month.

But I wish to God I had been firm about letting this cat in our home, when really, I didn't want to do it. That's not having firm enough boundaries. WHY can't I just be the jerk?

it's HIS family's problem, NOT ours. And we/I allowed this problem to become OUR problem now. His family kicked out the nanny. It was their responsibility to get the cats a new home, but NOT by imposing upon family members.

I am most resentful over the whole situation. And it's all my own fault for not being strong enough to be the jerk and say no. I am really angry at myself now.

I think by referring to having boundaries as “being a jerk” you set yourself up for hard times. No one wants to be a jerk so you keep doing things out of fear of being seen as a jerk.

But nothing in not wanting three cats or people staying over makes you a jerk. It’s not black and white. It’s not either “people pleaser” or a “jerk”. You can be a nice loving person yet be neither one of those.

Do you think nice people always say “yes” to everything? You have to be authentic self and live according to your core values, it doesn’t necessarily involves never saying “no” to people.

No, I wasn't referring to having boundaries as always meaning that I am therefore a jerk IF I must set a boundary. With regards to the cat, I would have felt like a huge A-hole to have said no. My husband I believe was a bit manipulative in this situation by posing it in such a way that he knew I wouldn't refuse.

I am aware that one can be loving, yet have boundaries and limits.

And no, of course I do not believe that nice people always have to say yes to everything. I learned in my last job how to say no and how to decline a job responsibility that was beyond my abilities. I also learned how to set limits on my own workload.

I am no longer the extreme people pleaser I used to be, and I can certainly set boundaries.... but I am still learning because I wasn't able to allow myself to feel like the jerk in this particular instance when I really should have, regardless. But his family's opinion of me is important to me. And I caved.

Hopefully cat settles down soon, he must be distressed

Yes. She had a dog terrorizing her in California, partially why they had to give her up for adoption. She moved and lived in a strange hotel (for some reason) for six weeks. Then travelled by plane for hours on end to the east coast. Then had to transfer to our home with two stranger cats. She is without her sister cat and without her owner. She is definitely distressed.

I just told my husband that if the cat keeps us up one more entire night with howling, that we're not keeping the cat. I am pissed off at his family. His sister in law did this and imposed this on us. She's the one who kicked out his nanny very coldly during COVID, of all times. She also screwed over his entire family including himself and his parents out of some kind of insurance money that my husband would have inherited and that would have covered his parents financially had she not stopped paying the bills. Don't ask details, because I don't know more than that... like I don't know why it was her responsibility in the first place.

So I am very angry with my in-laws. The picture of my sister in law is becoming more clear, and I am NOT liking her as a person right now.

They never should have split up the two cats who have grown up together.

Ok. Now I just went to pet the cat, and she hissed at me. I am so done. I instead just told my husband his family must find the cat a new home. It's NOT our responsibility to take this on, I never wanted a third cat, it's THEIR responsibility and problem that they just dumped on us.

I am not paying this cat anymore attention. And the irony is I AM a cat lover... just not a hoard of cats in my home.

3 cats in the apartment is too much. I think it’s terrible how these people made it your responsibility. I feel for you.

Thanks @divine1966.

It is terrible. I hate that they put this on us.

My husband now tells me we can return the cat to its original breeder, but that means driving the cat long distance, either 3 or 7 hours, but I'm not sure yet which state we would have to drive to. I don't know if that's a good solution either. But it's a solution.

Now you both are put into a situation of being bad guys giving up a cat. Ugh.

Exactly. Ugh is right. I’m especially the bad guy now.

I just received a text from my sister in law. She says she feels terrible and is working hard at finding the cat another home somehow. At least that's something. But I don't think of her as a very good person. She kicked the nanny out of the home during COVID, with no real home to live in.

Why does the nanny have no place to live? Was she is nanny for their kids? They had to give her at least 30 days to move out. You can’t just kick people out!

She’s allowed to stay with her sister for only 2 months. That’s it. Then she has no place to go. She may be able to live with my husband’s parents in Florida. She’s been with the family for over 40 years! They’re her home and family. It’s cruel that his sister in law made her move out. Just cruel. Heartless. Apparently she never wanted her there to begin with but allowed it for 20 years. Then told her move out.

Wow. Almost makes one wonder if something happened. That’s ridiculous. They should take care of her after so many years! Or give her substantial severance packet to live on