When do you know you should walk away.

I was in a relationship when I was 15 that we on for 7 years and I experienced physical, sexual, emotionally and verbal abuse. I never new how this had impacted my life, (my family wasn't big on doctors and mental illness so I was very ignorant to the help I needed) I went 8 years with not being good at socialising. I always thought I just put that down to something was wrong with me. I just worked and looked after my kids. When I was 30 my neighbour and I ended up becoming friends. (Even though I made getting there extremely hard) she start to get me to look after myself, and boost my self-esteem. We started going out and that's when I met my partner. I've been with my partner for 2 years now, we have had so much thrown into the mix at the beginning of the relationship. A month into our relationship, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorders. With in a few months I got depressed and I completely shut down to the point that I was told I had desocialized/depersonalized. I remember little of the months that past. I also had a had time from the beginning to understand the understand what was expected in a relationship. I was really big on not getting told what to do. If I in anyway through he was trying to control me in the slightest I would get mad. Also at the same time my friend decided she didn't like him, she coursed a lot of problems. But he stood by me through it all. He did a month into our relationship flirt with someone when he was out one night and took her number. We moved past that but he has a habit of lying and getting court in his lies. I'm very big on trust so this has affected me badly and our relationship. We had a few months that we did get into using drugs for a bit, that did all sorts of damage that has effected us even now. But with in a year we did start to see the other side, I started seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist who has revealed that I have PTSD and BPD on top of what everything. Coming to terms with this has not been easy for the both of us. For me I'm still trying. Know we have been trying to get my meds right, to get my moods under control. It's been a stressful year with the ups and downs, back and forth from doctors, both of us not working and now this COVID19 pandemic. I did also experience having a couple of psychics episode that had me believing he was cheating on me, wanted everyone to believe I was crazy, hacked my phone ect. I also did try to take my life a some point and ended up in hospital.

For a few months now and we did start fighting heaps. Things that have happened started coming to the surface. Now we are very distant with each other, like to strangers living together. It feels as though we lost what we had somewhere alone the way. We did have something really special. I'm so scared of loosing him but I would rather leave if he will be happier. I've tried talking to him but all he really say is that he loves me or why else would he still be here. I do know he loves me but has to much happened, is that way he doesn't look at me the same way he did? The only time there is much communication between us is when I get insercities about him cheating and lying to me. It's something I really me working to over come, as I know we will never be able to stay together if I don't.

Please no judgement, I do that enough already. I really need some advice on what to do? Should I break up with him so he can be happy? Do I stay and keep trying to get through to him? I need help. I just want him to be happy again, he has lost himself. I have to help him find his way back any way I can.

Hello fullbundle: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. (By the way, I don't think you'll find a lot of judgement here on PC. That's not what we're about.)

I don't know as there is a lot I can suggest to you in the way of advice. My inclination would be to say that couples therapy may be the answer to all of this. As you wrote, the two of you have been through a lot since you first got together. You mentioned your partner saying he loves you or why else would he still be with you. That, it seems to me, is a good sign. And personally I don't think you should presume that by leaving your partner that would make him happy or help him to find his way back.

Ultimately I think the two of you need to decide, together, whether or not your relationship is one that can endure or if there has simply been too much water that has flowed over the dam, so to speak. And I doubt that's something the two of you may be able to do alone. So perhaps couples therapy (or counseling) would be the place to tackle it?

Here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that talk about relationships & the secrets of happy couples. Perhaps reading about what makes for a successful happy romantic relationship will help you to gauge where your relationship is at & where it can potentially go from here:

How Do You Know that You're with the Right Person?

6 Absolute Must-Haves for Relationship Compatibility

Not Sure If the Relationship Is Working? Answer These 5 Questions

The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples - Part 687

3 Secrets to a Healthy and Happy Relationship

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...happy-couples/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...ouples-part-2/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...les-counselor/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-...eart-disagree/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

@Skeezyks

Thanks you for the advice. I have have me a new perspective to look from

So he can be controlling, he has lied to you more than once, he uses drugs, he hacked your phone, and wanted everyone to believe you are crazy because you thought he was cheating? AND he asked for a woman's number behind your back? Is that accurate?

This sounds like an unhealthy and toxic relationship. What about your OWN personal happiness? Are YOU happy in this relationship? You talk about being concerned for his happiness, but not your own.

I would say to work on your own mental health issues and cut ties with this man. He is not healthy for you. Too many red flags that spell danger and trouble. I wouldn't trust a man who asked for a woman's phone number behind my back, or who had hacked my phone. I also wouldn't appreciate if he tried to get everyone to think I'm crazy. That's toxic. He doesn't sound like he can be trusted either, if he's lied many times.

You can't help him; he needs to find a way to help himself.

No one else can make him happy but himself. HE has to find the way back to happiness. From what you write, he will only drag you down. As he has been doing.

Going into any relationship to try and make someone else (or oneself) happy is pretty much doomed anyway.

Besides, there are too many red flags. You should get out of this relationship and let him fix himself. He is clearly not ready for relationships at any rate.