I'm trying to save my relationship.. begging for help

But my boyfriend has lost his patience with me. I think I may have sabotaged a really good thing.

For starters, we have been together for a little over 3 years. We are in our early 30s. Long story short, I'm always doing what makes my family (specifically my mom and sister) happy, and trying to play mediator to make him happy, too.

I'm still not financially independent (insurance is still tied to sister). I also ruined his plan for a proposal (that he planned out for last November) because I was nervous and didn't trust him. I haven't made a plan that says to my boyfriend that I have his best interest.

I do trust him but I don't trust myself and always feel like I need constant approval from everyone to do big things like buy a house, car, where we live, or get married.

He has been patient with me but maybe that's because we pull through, things are fine, but then I say I need more time to figure stuff out. We just moved in together (after I dragged my feet and there was some drama with my family) in January). Ever since that dramatic day, it has tarnished our relationship. We fight or argue more now.

I feel like a kid. Always an extension of my demanding, broken family. I'm always on call. I feel like I'm doing my best as a girlfriend but when it comes to the big things, I run away.

I think it's because I'm the youngest in my family, the one who never plans, never has control. Other last born people can call the shots in their relationships, but me . . . I really f*cked up.

How do I save this relationship so I can give him reassurance that I got this and that I will fight for him?

For one, you're not responsible for anyone else's happiness except for your own. Every person is responsible for their own happiness. So I would try to stop pleasing everyone else and please yourself foremost. Secondly, you don't need approval to make life decisions. You are a grown adult and can make decisions for yourself. I suggest stop asking everyone else for approval on your own life. Take control yourself by not asking for approval or input anymore. Decide for yourself and involve your boyfriend if the decision involves him. Thirdly, to be blunt, you're too old to be blaming your own inability to plan and take control of your life on your family and on being the youngest. You are not a teenager. You're an adult in your 30's. YOU get to decide the direction of your life. YOU get to make decisions and choices. So, take life by the horns and start taking control of your life yourself. That's a part of being an adult and a part of growing up. As grown adults, we all have to take full responsibility for our lives, in every way.

If you start making these changes for yourself, positive things will result.

I don't have enough information on your relationship to provide that much advice. What troubles are you having with him specifically? Has he expressed doubts? If you are fighting more since moving in together, what does that tell you? Either there's an adjustment period between you and you have to work it out together and stop fighting, or it points to an incompatibility. Without more information, it's hard to tell.

So were you still living at home before you moved in with this boyfriend?

Often the youngest is the last to leave and may develop codependent challenges remaining expected to do for parents etc instead of becoming more independent and living their own lives.

If you're not ready, you shouldn't force yourself to move too fast. Constantly trying to please him at the detriment of yourself and/or your gut instincts is not going to make either of you happy.

He should also be understanding and patient IF you are not ready. There is nothing wrong in wanting to move slowly, find your feet, be reassured..

Saving the relationship is not your job. There are 2 of you involved.

Do you see a therapist? If not, what would you think of that idea?

Yes still living with my sister and her family.

Yes I just started seeing a therapist. Need to figure out how to cope with what I'm dealing with.

- most of our challenges are.. he wants me to set boundaries with my family because I do a lot for them. I'm always taking care of my nieces and feel guilty if they can't come over when they ask me. I always have to do stuff for my family, drive down to do little things that they could do themselves.

- when we have our talks, he tells me he doesn't have a lot of patience anymore because he's done so much of the heavy lifting. He says he's not forcing me to do any of these things, but that I should trust his plan (like buying a house). I don't have a concrete plan because my family with tell me do what they want. So, as much as I like what he has planned, I can't go along with it.

Did I mention that we are both 31 and 34 now...? I should have all the basic things down like marriage, house, family.. but I don't have those things yet.

Is it me who wants what society wants? Am I taking the time to figure out what I want?

Good job starting to see a therapist!

These are good things to work on in therapy.

I suggest starting small. Take those little things that they could do themselves: What will happen if one day soon you tell them that you cannot do them, you have other plans?

With regard to your nieces: How often do they come over? How often do you really have time for them to come over?

In my opinion you need to work on your relationship with your family. Have you ever heard of co-dependency? It is not your job to make things right with everything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rukspc But my boyfriend has lost his patience with me. I think I may have sabotaged a really good thing. For starters, we have been together for a little over 3 years. We are in our early 30s. Long story short, I'm always doing what makes my family (specifically my mom and sister) happy, and trying to play mediator to make him happy, too. I'm still not financially independent (insurance is still tied to sister). I also ruined his plan for a proposal (that he planned out for last November) because I was nervous and didn't trust him. I haven't made a plan that says to my boyfriend that I have his best interest. I do trust him but I don't trust myself and always feel like I need constant approval from everyone to do big things like buy a house, car, where we live, or get married. He has been patient with me but maybe that's because we pull through, things are fine, but then I say I need more time to figure stuff out. We just moved in together (after I dragged my feet and there was some drama with my family) in January). Ever since that dramatic day, it has tarnished our relationship. We fight or argue more now. I feel like a kid. Always an extension of my demanding, broken family. I'm always on call. I feel like I'm doing my best as a girlfriend but when it comes to the big things, I run away. I think it's because I'm the youngest in my family, the one who never plans, never has control. Other last born people can call the shots in their relationships, but me . . . I really f*cked up. How do I save this relationship so I can give him reassurance that I got this and that I will fight for him?

- if i said I had plans to do things like staying in this town home we are currently renting, or something small like having a couple weeks to myself without my nieces, they would ask why or how come, or what do you have to do? Basically they'd make me feel bad.

- my nieces are 8 and 11. I'm a teacher and started my summer break at the beginning of June. They came over in June for a week. In July, for a total of two weeks. Hosted my mom for a weekend and then my nieces just left last week. So, this summer I haven't been doing much but hosting family or going biking or kayaking occasionally.

When I was invited to go kayaking in mid-July (something I enjoy), I dragged my feet and my bf got mad. I felt guilty for spending even 4-6 hours with them because my sister would make a comment that I "always" do stuff with his family, or that she'll find out somehow. I can't be truthful or authentic. I lie about mostly everything. I have to keep things secret. Sometimes I just want to NOT care so much, but it's very hard.

Anyway I like my boyfriend's family: hands off, healthy boundaries, and hardly any drama. Just wish I didn't have to lie. Feels so childish.

I've heard of codependency but don't know much about it. I'm really depressed about my life because I want things for myself, but I can't make these plans because my family will walk all over and spit on it. Then, I'll get chewed out. Just like I always have since I was young. I'm 30 now and it's hard to stand my ground.

I look at my friends who just do whatever the heck they want, or have healthy relationships. It makes me depressed feeling like that is unattainable. I've contemplated cutting them off, which my bf doesn't want to do. I've contemplated just leaving to a new city. But I need to work on my family situation so I don't feel like this mule for them anymore!

This is just a type of thing that therapy can help with.

A main part of freeing yourself imo is going to be learning to tolerate the feelings that you get from your nieces or sister when you are not available to them. Making comments like "You always do stuff with them" fosters those guilty feelings. You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail, which is when someone gives you emotional pain when you don't do what they want.

Take kayaking for example. Suppose you had gone kayaking and told your sister about it. What would have happened in your family?

I confess to being a little annoyed with your sister. You took in her children for three entire weeks this summer--exceedingly generous of you!--and yet she still comments about time you might spend with your bf's family?

I think it is attainable, with attentive effort on your part to figure out what you want to do on any given day/week and then sticking with it even in the presence of negative feelings or efforts to persuade you otherwise.

You can do this. Your t and your bf can help!

It sounds like deep down you know the answer is to break free from your family and begin to love them from a distance. They sound like they are holding you back. Whether or not your boyfriend is right for you to marry and let lead your life, you should be able to decide that on your own. You should be able to make mistakes as well without anyone constantly nagging you.

I bet it's hard being the youngest. I hear this alot. You get pegged as the baby and everyone else thinks they need to take care of you forever.

Listen to your heart on these issues. It sounds like you want to break free! Be careful, though, once you experience this freedom with your boyfriend that you don't become like them and start to try to control him. If he is as good as you say with finances and big decisions, trust him and let him lead. This is just my opinion.