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Luannabanana
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Canada
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Default Aug 09, 2020 at 09:12 AM
  #1
Hi. This is my very first post. My husband of 21 years revealed to me a few months ago that he wants to be on his own and as soon as he can do so financially he will leave. He wants to be “best friends” but does not love me as a wife, only as the mother of our children. I did not see this coming at all, we have been fine, with usual issues that all married couples deal with. There has been zero infidelity issues in my part and he reassured me zero on his part also. He is eager for me to “get over it” and “move on” and gets annoyed when I break down and try to rationalize how we got to this point. I know I will be fine in the future, but it is sooooo hard right now. During the week. Because I am
Busy working, I’m great, but the weekends are depressing, as he is perfectly normal and happy with his new chosen path. We have two older teens who are aware of what is going on and have been champions so far. I joined this forum because we have not told any family or friends yet, and don’t plan on doing so for a while, and I therefore have no one to talk to about this. So to keep from a roller coaster ride of breaking down every few days and talking to him about it, here I am! I can’t get this out of my head. I want to leave the house periodically, go on a hike or bike ride, but most often talk myself out of it because I am so accustomed to doing these activities WITH someone, not alone .

Thanks in advance for your support.
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Default Aug 09, 2020 at 10:43 AM
  #2
Hi Luannabanana, welcome to PC. I am wondering if your husband is experiencing a mid life crisis and this often does happen when children are in their late teens too. Often part of it is seeing one's late teen children ready to fly off and experiment etc. and thinking about wishing he is able to do that too. It's usually not anything you did but more about him seeing and feeling his age and how he really is getting older and wanting to feel free. It's more about personal discontent and not about you/the wife. Women can experience this as well in their fifties. Mid life crisis is real, a lot of people experience it.

Actually, the movie "Moonstruck" touched on that a lot, some good messages in that movie about life and getting older. It tends to be about fearing age and developing a personal urge to run from it.
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Luannabanana
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 5
3 yr Member
Default Aug 11, 2020 at 07:51 AM
  #3
Thanks for your reply. I do believe it is mid life crisis. He has confirmed that he is 100% certain that he wants to be on his own and that I should work on moving on from this. I’m trying but seems to be a roller coaster where I have great days and then hit rock botttom with a melt down about twice a week. I’m going to get support from a professional, as I am not naturally a needy person and don’t like losing control like this...appearing desperate when I have my meltdowns.
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Default Aug 11, 2020 at 08:45 AM
  #4
Well, it's normal that you are having a hard time with this as no one likes to feel powerless about a major life change. And when it happens unexpectedly as you described it can feel like a major rejection and it hurts. You most likely have moments when you feel anger and a sense of abandonment and lots of things can run through someone's mind in this kind of situation. So, it is a good idea that you find a therapist that you can sit and vent to and find your way forward despite how you experience all these feelings you don't know what to do with.

That being said, this decision is all about him, his discontent about himself and his life and recognizing that his youth is gone and that sense of freedom when younger. Yet, men do go through their own menopause where their testasterone levels begin to decrease. Some men feel depressed and confused by this as if "something is missing" for them. It's typically not something they even know how to articulate either. However, they see their own youth in their teenage children, and they also see it where they work in the younger men around them who tend to have more drive and get more attention because they are young and upcoming and this feeling of being on his way out becomes real and scary. And he doesn't want to FEEL this way either. So, this tends to bring on that "flight" feeling and it's not about you really either, but something he feels an urge to do within himself. This wraps him up in what you are describing where he says he is 100 % sure he needs to be free. Yet, it's not about you, but himself trying to fight something he is losing. It's not just psychological, it's physiological as well.
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