Facing the truth

I just want to say that I finally realize what my biggest problem is. It's a big one and I've been avoiding it in every way I could for the last 7 years (4 of which I spent going to various therapies, curing random symptoms, but avoiding the real deal).

You are witnessing the hard case narcissist admitting he is a narcissist for the first time in his life.


I feel anxious and unsafe to even type it down while knowing you all out there do not know who I am. That’s gonna be a tough one but hopefully bad guys can change too.

Hello MisterPaul The first step for recovery is to acknowledge your flaws... to admit to it. This is a huge step for you. You should be proud of yourself for finally stepping up, and to admit it.

Is this a self diagnosis MisterPaul or did a professional tell you this? A person can have narcissistic traits and not be completely NPD.

A professional strongly suggested it and then I flew off the handle and killed the idea with an excuse. Also I was dishonest when it came to answering several questions in a test. I did it again today, put cards on the table, and it's time to face the music. I'm the bad guy.

You are not a bad person. Your brain just needs to be sorta rewired a bit. Your willingness is rare. Good for you.

I was basically trained to be narcissistic for my job. I am the man. Etc. I never met criteria for full NPD, butI hVe had traits for sure. It has been work to get better. Work to stay on top of it. You can do this!!!!

Congratulations to you because this must feel like a weight already starting to lift off your shoulders! It takes courage to face our innermost problems and all of us have them. I applaud your honesty and resilience in the face of a difficult task. It inspires me to keep being authentic as I work to recover from my own issues. Keep moving forward and always remember you are striving for progress, not perfection.

Yeah, that's the crucial point. I can see it now. I'm a covert narcists. One month ago one silly joke of yours could tear me apar and make me go after you with all the fire power I had in the name of revenge. Today I successfully killed such similar situations of “bad interpretation” four times. I avoided anxiety and confrontation. This is truly amazing and even though it’s hard, I believe that maybe I will at least reduce that bad guy behavior patterns that used to push everyone away.

None of us are a perfect person, we all have things we can improve upon. I don't like the idea of labeling people as good guys or bad guys, because we're all a little more complex than that. But good luck to you on your journey. Self-awareness is always the beginning.

But it still wasn't a official diagnosis of narcissism was it? I feel like narcissism and narcissist is tossed around lately without a real d's from a professional. I think it can cause stress and worry in the individual being labeled like that Anna it makes them worry and constantly question every move they make.

It is official by now. And yeah, unfortunately it is truth. I used to go to the therapy for years picturing myself as a victim, and as they tried to help me, almost nothing worked. Almost meaning their attention worked by boosting my ego before I got bored and discarded them 😊 If you're looking for a real narcissist, you've found one.

But from what you shared you were a victim of constant bullying. Others constantly put you down repeatedly hurting your ego and sense of self esteem.

It's understandable that it's extra hard for you to be able to trust others and that a part of you still feels anger and resentment.

NPD is a personality disorder, a type of mental illness.

Having an illness does not make you a bad guy.

As with any illness, getting treatment and sticking to it is the way to go.

When someone is bullied growing up their entire way of viewing others can put them in a very challenged state when it comes to their narcissism which everyone has and it's part of everyone. It's a spectrum of one's personal sense of self esteem and self confidence that develops over many years. So repeated injuries to ones sense of narcissim/self esteem/sense of self worth can most definitely lead to life long challenges and deep wounds and even a fragile sense of self with a constant desire to overcome that challenge. Therefore, those who tend to sit on the spectrum considered being more narcissistic tend to look for ways they can gain a sense of power and control over others, to be able to stand out more and have their very fragile ego fed. They tend to look for ways to convince others to admire them and give into their need for control. And the higher on that spectrum, the more that individual tends to do everything possible to repair their hungry ego and most things tend to revolve around them and their own needs. So they lose the ability to empathize and care for others, but learn they must at least pretend they do as it brings others to them. Some begin to even decide they have special powers as it gives them a high that can help them feel they are "more than" and "special" in some way. So if they believe they are "special" they have even more right to judge others and decide whatever they feel is right is right and anyone that disagrees with them is wrong and undeserving or a bad person in someway. The world revolves around them, they never got away from that state and often they see this as normal. Not everyone reaches this level on the spectrum, some have traits but are not considered totally NPD. Often with age these individuals soften and can begin to recognize the feelings of others more. Yet for some, they might get disenchanted and disillusioned and angry not willing to let go of that desire to claim power and control or the deep need for revenge in order to reclaim whatever had hurt them so many years ago.

There was a trauma in my life, I felt it, but I'm starting to believe that its "impact" on me was overblown by narcissistic point of view.

I did not mean to manipulate you by sharing that story back in a day. I was not aware of most of bad behaviors. But yes, I lied. It was not so bad. I honestly believe things that happened to me in early years of my life could cause some discomfort and little shame (fat guy getting laughed at). They caused me much more than that, because people putting you down equals people questioning your worth and refusing to give you admiration, so I considered it as a trauma, because I am a covert narcissist.

The unfortunate fact is that I could apologize you for that manipulation right now, but I am not sure if I would mean it

It's unfortunate that when we are young we can believe that when others say mean things to us and are disrespectful and encourage us to feel we have no true worth, we can believe them instead of understanding anyone who does that is a selfish jerk. Children tend to see the world revolving around them and can be very narcissistic. This kind of savage like behavior was laid out in the story "Lord of the Flies".

Well, it's entirely possible you might not mean it, only you would know the answer to that one. However, I will still appreciate the fact that at least you are honest about that with me.

The sad thing I have come to recognize about narcissists, be it overt or covert is they can't even be honest with themselves. They tend to gaslight even themselves in order to escape their own emotions. This is what makes it hard to help/treat them. It's sad in that they never really claim a true identity, they simply just mask and change their masks. So they never actually form genuine connections with others. Everything is about protecting that fragile child in them that cries and is alone or blows up in rages.