Cheated on my partner after drinking but my therapist says it was a sexual assault

Bill3 · Aug 15, 2020 at 09:57 AM

If someone is in the process of robbing me, and I say please let me keep the pictures of my children that are in my wallet, it doesn't mean that I consented to being robbed.

Have Hope · 10:13 AM

It's clearly a heated and controversial topic. She said get a condom, which to me is consent. Had she continued to protest and say no repeatedly, then it would not have been consent. Had she physically pushed him off of her, saying no, then it would not have been consent. She said she went along with it. That's consent. Maybe she had her arm twisted by his advances and felt weakened by the alcohol consumption, but it was still consent. A rape victim does NOT say get a condom. A rape victim screams and physically fights off the perpetrator the entire time.

I'm an avid feminist and will support any woman who is a victim of sexual assault, when it is in fact sexual assault. But in this case, I disagree and do not think it was.

divine1966 · Aug 15, 2020 at 11:52 AM

No is no. One time “no” is enough. It’s not unknown for women to go along with advances after initial “no” because they are afraid to continue protesting . Going along isn’t considered consent

divine1966 · Aug 15, 2020 at 11:54 AM

Not every rape victim screams and fights. Sometimes it’s too scary to fight and scream and victim might choose to stay quiet to avoid being beaten up or worse

Have Hope · Aug 15, 2020 at 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

No is no. One time “no” is enough. It’s not unknown for women to go along with advances after initial “no” because they are afraid to continue protesting . Going along isn’t considered consent

We can agree to disagree. And respectfully I disagree. I agree that no means no. Yes, and he should not have tried to entice her. But she has vocal chords and a voice. If she really meant no she wouldn’t have let him take off her clothes. She should have moved away from him or pushed him away.

This is getting annoying. I’m bowing out of this thread. People can disagree with me and that’s fine. Everyone has a right to their own opinion.

Have Hope · Aug 15, 2020 at 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Not every rape victim screams and fights. Sometimes it’s too scary to fight and scream and victim might choose to stay quiet to avoid being beaten up or worse

How do you know that? Is there evidence and facts to back up your claim? I imagine most rape victims scream and fight back.

Like I said, I’m bowing out.

TishaBuv · Aug 15, 2020 at 12:46 PM

How is controversial debate helpful to the OP? This isn’t a criminal trial. These exact details are what happened to me, and are the reason I chose to never tell anyone except my best friend when it happened. I put the incident out of my mind for many years. Later, I developed intimacy issues in my marriage. Perhaps this incident did scar me in this way. IDK, perhaps I had mental health issues that I was not aware of. I don’t care who believe me here or not. Sexual assault is not always a clear cut case.

The most important factor for the OP is to explore her feelings and figure out how to move forward in a healthy direction.

WovenGalaxy · Aug 15, 2020 at 12:51 PM

(((((((((((Lily)))))))))) take care of yourself and please be gentle and kind with yourself as well. Keep talking to your therapist.

divine1966 · Aug 15, 2020 at 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

How do you know that? Is there evidence and facts to back up your claim? I imagine most rape victims scream and fight back.

Like I said, I’m bowing out.

I received specific training in regards to helping rape victims, fighting or screaming isn’t that common, many choose to just pray for it to be over and not get harmed, and i work with helping rape victims. There is a lot of statistics and research on the topic.

Victoria'smom · Aug 17, 2020 at 12:38 AM

Yes it was an assault I'm sorry.

Open Eyes · Aug 17, 2020 at 05:20 PM

Just want to say that if someone is extremely intoxicated or drugged they often don’t kick and scream or may not react even due to being barely conscious. There are individuals that get the person very drunk or even slip something in their drink to incapacitate them. And sometimes it is someone one would not expect to do something like that too.

ArtleyWilkins · Aug 17, 2020 at 11:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I imagine most rape victims scream and fight back.

You would be wrong.

Have Hope · 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

You would be wrong.

Is this helping the OP in any way? Why not take the focus off of me and anything I've said, and focus on helping the OP instead.

tigerlily84 · Aug 18, 2020 at 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Is this helping the OP in any way? Why not take the focus off of me and anything I've said, and focus on helping the OP instead.

And how is telling the OP to consider their part in their own sexual assault helping them?? Respectfully, I don't think you have bad intentions towards the OP, but victim blaming is never the way to go. If you "Imagine" that rape/assault victims would scream and fight in every case, then you don't know. Just by saying that you are admitting that you don't know what an assault victim would do. Every situation and every person is different. Please don't generalize, because that doesn't help anyone. I think we are all concerned about the OP and that comes across in every post in this thread. I think you're concerned too, but you are too focused on what they should or should not have done. It doesn't matter, because they were assaulted and they need support. There is no way to be the perfect assault victim because that doesn't exist.

Have Hope · Aug 18, 2020 at 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

And how is telling the OP to consider their part in their own sexual assault helping them?? Respectfully, I don't think you have bad intentions towards the OP, but victim blaming is never the way to go. If you "Imagine" that rape/assault victims would scream and fight in every case, then you don't know. Just by saying that you are admitting that you don't know what an assault victim would do. Every situation and every person is different. Please don't generalize, because that doesn't help anyone. I think we are all concerned about the OP and that comes across in every post in this thread. I think you're concerned too, but you are too focused on what they should or should not have done. It doesn't matter, because they were assaulted and they need support. There is no way to be the perfect assault victim because that doesn't exist.

I am NOT victim blaming and I disagree with you. It’s not assault when she said get a condom. That is consent. I understand that others think it’s assault. But I disagree. I said in one of my posts to her that I was NOT blaming her. I simply was pointing out how she played a role. I am not here to argue. People need to stop focusing on ME and anything I’ve said, stop targeting me in this thread and focus on and help the OP instead.

tigerlily84 · 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I am NOT victim blaming and I disagree with you. It’s not assault when she said get a condom. That is consent. I understand that others think it’s assault. But I disagree. I said in one of my posts to her that I was NOT blaming her. I simply was pointing out how she played a role. I am not here to argue. People need to stop focusing on ME and anything I’ve said, stop targeting me in this thread and focus on and help the OP instead.

No one is targeting you. But it is interesting that there is such a disparity on what is and is not considered consent according to the law. I'm sure the OP is already blaming themselves enough, so that's why I said your words are not helpful, if not traumatizing. Regardless, I hope the OP gets the help they most desperately need. I hope you agree with that at least.

OP, if you are in the United States you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673). Please take of yourself.

Open Eyes · Aug 18, 2020 at 03:02 PM

Quote:

Well, I was very drunk. Actually I don’t quite remember getting into the situation of actually having sex with him. I know we got into it and when I knew it was going to happen I said we needed a condom because i Didn’t want to be unsafe. But I feel I had a bit of a blackout sort of and don’t clearly remember the whole day and the next day, when I saw how much vodka I had consumed I couldn’t believe it and I felt so sick all day I couldn’t function.

When someone is very intoxicated, they can black out and not even remember if they conscented or not. I agree with others in that this guy took advantage of her being so intoxicated like that, especially after she had told him that day that she was not going to engage in sex with him.

divine1966 · Aug 18, 2020 at 06:10 PM

Guide to Consent

I post this link again.

It goes into detail what is considered consent and what it isn’t. OP was too intoxicated to provide informed consent. Health-line also provides good description of how consensual sex looks like. What OP described isn’t it.

OP I hope you distance yourself from this person and keep working with your therapist. Please let us know if you are ok

FooZe · Aug 18, 2020 at 06:41 PM

Sorry, but this thread is being closed for administrative review.

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Cheated on my partner after drinking but my therapist says it was a sexual assault

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Aug 15, 2020 at 09:57 AM #21 If someone is in the process of robbing me, and I say please let me keep the pictures of my children that are in my wallet, it doesn't mean that I consented to being robbed.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,376 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 15, 2020 at 11:52 AM #23 No is no. One time “no” is enough. It’s not unknown for women to go along with advances after initial “no” because they are afraid to continue protesting . Going along isn’t considered consent

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,376 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 15, 2020 at 11:54 AM #24 Not every rape victim screams and fights. Sometimes it’s too scary to fight and scream and victim might choose to stay quiet to avoid being beaten up or worse

WovenGalaxy Magnate Member Since Sep 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 2,854 4 4,842 hugs given	Aug 15, 2020 at 12:51 PM #28 (((((((((((Lily)))))))))) take care of yourself and please be gentle and kind with yourself as well. Keep talking to your therapist.

Victoria'smom Legendary Member Since Apr 2012 Location: Earth Posts: 14,906 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,442 hugs given	Aug 17, 2020 at 12:38 AM #30 Yes it was an assault I'm sorry. __________________ Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,117 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Aug 17, 2020 at 05:20 PM #31 Just want to say that if someone is extremely intoxicated or drugged they often don’t kick and scream or may not react even due to being barely conscious. There are individuals that get the person very drunk or even slip something in their drink to incapacitate them. And sometimes it is someone one would not expect to do something like that too.

FooZe Administrator Community Support Team Member Since Apr 2009 Location: west coast, USA Posts: 26,013 (SuperPoster!) 15 5,090 hugs given	Aug 18, 2020 at 06:41 PM #39 Sorry, but this thread is being closed for administrative review.