advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 08:47 AM
  #1
I have been working on developing stronger boundaries.

I used to have pretty weak boundaries. I used to be SO open to all people, and that's how I've gotten hurt time and time again by various individuals. I used to naively trust new people I met, and I would open up far too quickly to them.

That's a formula for allowing toxic people in and for allowing abuse to occur.

Well, I finally wisened up, and I finally started to enforce stricter boundaries.

A very SMALL part of me feels slightly guilty for having rejected someone who suddenly exited from our friendship and online communications, and then who tried years later, to reenter my life. I have been taught to always be nice to people, even if they've hurt you.

However, she did not take ANY ownership for hurting me deeply when she abruptly left. We were pen pals for a couple years. We shared deep conversations together about life and spirituality. We shared our problems with each other and we helped each other.

So when she disappeared out of the blue, I was really hurt. I emailed her a few times after she disappeared, but with no replies.

I let it go. Then three years later, she reappears, but would not apologize for hurting me and she would not take any ownership of her hurtful actions. So I told her I could not longer be pen pals or friends with her. She got angry and lashed out at me. It did not end well.

She made the excuse that she was emotionally messed up at the time. I did not accept her excuses for being so hurtful.

So, the point is -- I severed the friendship because I knew at that point that it was not serving my best interests anymore. I cannot be friends with someone who can't apologize for hurtful behavior and for ghosting.

I do not allow people to just come and go within my life like that. And ghosting for three years to me is just plain unacceptable. We had been emailing for about two years prior to that.

So, never feel guilty for watching out for yourself within friendships and/or a relationship.

I am learning how to do this for myself -- demonstrating self care and self love. It's most important and critical for positive mental health.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Chocopiano27, poshgirl, RoxanneToto
 
Thanks for this!
Chocopiano27, Christmas cookie, indigo1015, LilyMop, RoxanneToto

advertisement
poshgirl
Veteran Member
poshgirl has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2018
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 603
5 yr Member
229 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 08:54 AM
  #2
Well said!

Your advice is something I should have done years ago. Finally, I have woken up to the toxic people in my life and their antics.

poshgirl is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 08:59 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by poshgirl View Post
Well said!

Your advice is something I should have done years ago. Finally, I have woken up to the toxic people in my life and their antics.

Thank you!!!

It's a hard lesson to learn, but I have found far greater happiness and peace of mind in my life by avoiding and severing relationships that do not serve my highest good.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
LilyMop
Veteran Member
 
LilyMop's Avatar
LilyMop Hoping
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: U.S.
Posts: 709
3 yr Member
81 hugs
given
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 12:40 PM
  #4
It’s hard to unlearn old behavior patterns. You’re right that there’s a formula for attracting the wrong kinds of relationships. I used to have that formula perfected. Lol. I’ve had to do what you are doing and sit with the uncomfortable feelings of enforcing my boundaries. Good for you. Keep at it.
LilyMop is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 01:12 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
It’s hard to unlearn old behavior patterns. You’re right that there’s a formula for attracting the wrong kinds of relationships. I used to have that formula perfected. Lol. I’ve had to do what you are doing and sit with the uncomfortable feelings of enforcing my boundaries. Good for you. Keep at it.
Oh same with me! I've attracted all sorts of unhealthy people in my lifetime.

It is uncomfortable... it's not an automatic response for me. It's new, learned behavior that I am practicing, and I know you are too.

I had written in the OP that I was taught to always be nice, even if someone is hurting me. And I decided no more of that BS. One can still be polite and pleasant, but can also avoid the person and a negative interaction. I am learning how to still accomplish that.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,304 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,274 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 01:23 PM
  #6
Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t enhance your life.
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 01:25 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t enhance your life.
Agree 100%!!!!!

I am too old to be wasting my energy or time.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
divine1966
indigo1015
Grand Member
 
indigo1015's Avatar
indigo1015 The sun is out
 
Member Since: Dec 2010
Location: Westminster, CO USA
Posts: 764
10 yr Member
8 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 02:23 PM
  #8
Excellent post... You hit the nail right on the head. Sound advice for everyone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "No" or with protecting your mental/emotional health by using boundaries. Way to go!!!
indigo1015 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
Rive.
Magnate
Rive. has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,002
10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 02:41 PM
  #9
Absolutely. This is a lesson some of us have to learn... however painful it is to sever some close/meaningful relationships.

How much should we sacrifice ourselves for others... to the detriment of ourselves?! We do have to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and if others refuse to show a modicum of respect, good riddance.
Rive. is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 17, 2020 at 04:42 PM
  #10
Thank you @indigo1015 and @Rive.!

I definitely come from the mindset that once we are hurting ourselves by being involved with someone - whether that be a family member, acquaintance, friend or lover --- we have to reconsider the relationship and exactly what it's doing for us that is positive, healthy and beneficial. If it's not positive, healthy or beneficial, then it's time to cut ties, move on and be around healthier people. This is SO very important and critical for achieving inner happiness, inner peace of mind, positive and strong mental health, good feelings, and the like.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 18, 2020 at 07:10 AM
  #11
I also come from the mindset that some people are meant to be in our lives to teach us something valuable, like a life lesson we needed to learn, OR to help us and save us in a time of need, while others are meant to stay and remain friends for a lifetime.

I've had many such experiences whereby I've learned lessons from fleeting, short-term romances and from fleeting, short-term friendships. Not everyone can be a close confidante and best friend. Not all friendships are meant to stay, and neither are all relationships.

My best friends I can count on one hand. Then I have a much larger social circle of acquaintances and friends. And I've had several new "friends" come and go in my life.

Not everyone we can relate to well and on a deeper emotional level or even a spiritual level. True friendship for me can take years to evolve into a best friendship. My best friends are people I've known for years and years. Several I've known for about 20 years. Those are the ones who hang up the phone every time saying "I love you".

And sometimes with a new friendship we can bump up against major differences in values, beliefs, and lifestyles that prevent the friendship from being anything deeper.

And I value honesty, integrity, true caring and sincerity within a friendship. I also value being able to own up to a mistake and apologize when someone's been hurt within the friendship. I am typically the first to apologize within a conflict, even if I'm not the one in the wrong per se.

But if someone cannot apologize to me as well, they are no true friend of mine, and I move on.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
hobbypoet
Member
 
hobbypoet's Avatar
hobbypoet has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2020
Location: East Coast
Posts: 55
3 yr Member
Default Aug 18, 2020 at 12:24 PM
  #12
This has given me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing this.
hobbypoet is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
CharlieGyrle
Junior Member
CharlieGyrle has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 12
3 yr Member
2 hugs
given
Default Aug 20, 2020 at 04:51 AM
  #13
What a lovely thread. Important topic.

It's taken me many years to find the healthiest balance. Practice makes perfect. Time and dedication.
CharlieGyrle is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
eskielover
Legendary Wise Elder
 
eskielover's Avatar
eskielover has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Kentucky, USA
Posts: 24,701 (SuperPoster!)
15 yr Member
14.5k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Aug 21, 2020 at 06:52 AM
  #14
I have always kept new people in my life at a FRIENDLY distance while getting to know them better & determining whether they are someone I would actually have a FRIENDSHIP with or not.

Those I determine not just fade away because I do nothing to encourage any friendship at all.

Some people don't understand the difference between someone being friendly & an actual friendship. This can create issues if that person is rather clingy to people THEY want to be friends with. That is when strong boundaries become necessary & I have learned to cast my boundaries in concrete so I don't get involved in relationships I don't want to be in.

__________________


Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this.
Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
eskielover is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
Fuzzybear
Wisest Elder Ever
 
Fuzzybear's Avatar
Fuzzybear has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,301 (SuperPoster!)
20 yr Member
81.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 26, 2020 at 10:34 AM
  #15
Thanks for sharing this

__________________
Fuzzybear is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
RoxanneToto
Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 1,692
3 yr Member
6,991 hugs
given
Default Sep 26, 2020 at 10:55 AM
  #16
I’d love it if we could teach the next generation to have good boundaries, rather than just to be nice. Being nice isn’t a bad thing, but on its own, opens people up to being used and abused. Respect for self and others is important, too.
RoxanneToto is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Have Hope
 
Thanks for this!
Have Hope
Have Hope
Wise Elder
 
Have Hope's Avatar
Have Hope has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
3,619 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Sep 26, 2020 at 11:55 AM
  #17
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
Being nice isn’t a bad thing, but on its own, opens people up to being used and abused. Respect for self and others is important, too.
Being "nice" has gotten me abused and mistreated, so no more. One can be pleasant, affable and sociable but still exercise strong boundaries and self respect.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
Have Hope is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
RoxanneToto
 
Thanks for this!
RoxanneToto
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:19 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.