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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
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#1
I have been working on developing stronger boundaries.
I used to have pretty weak boundaries. I used to be SO open to all people, and that's how I've gotten hurt time and time again by various individuals. I used to naively trust new people I met, and I would open up far too quickly to them. That's a formula for allowing toxic people in and for allowing abuse to occur. Well, I finally wisened up, and I finally started to enforce stricter boundaries. A very SMALL part of me feels slightly guilty for having rejected someone who suddenly exited from our friendship and online communications, and then who tried years later, to reenter my life. I have been taught to always be nice to people, even if they've hurt you. However, she did not take ANY ownership for hurting me deeply when she abruptly left. We were pen pals for a couple years. We shared deep conversations together about life and spirituality. We shared our problems with each other and we helped each other. So when she disappeared out of the blue, I was really hurt. I emailed her a few times after she disappeared, but with no replies. I let it go. Then three years later, she reappears, but would not apologize for hurting me and she would not take any ownership of her hurtful actions. So I told her I could not longer be pen pals or friends with her. She got angry and lashed out at me. It did not end well. She made the excuse that she was emotionally messed up at the time. I did not accept her excuses for being so hurtful. So, the point is -- I severed the friendship because I knew at that point that it was not serving my best interests anymore. I cannot be friends with someone who can't apologize for hurtful behavior and for ghosting. I do not allow people to just come and go within my life like that. And ghosting for three years to me is just plain unacceptable. We had been emailing for about two years prior to that. So, never feel guilty for watching out for yourself within friendships and/or a relationship. I am learning how to do this for myself -- demonstrating self care and self love. It's most important and critical for positive mental health. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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poshgirl
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#2
Well said!
Your advice is something I should have done years ago. Finally, I have woken up to the toxic people in my life and their antics. |
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Have Hope, RoxanneToto
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Have Hope, RoxanneToto
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
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#3
Quote:
It's a hard lesson to learn, but I have found far greater happiness and peace of mind in my life by avoiding and severing relationships that do not serve my highest good. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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LilyMop
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Location: U.S.
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#4
It’s hard to unlearn old behavior patterns. You’re right that there’s a formula for attracting the wrong kinds of relationships. I used to have that formula perfected. Lol. I’ve had to do what you are doing and sit with the uncomfortable feelings of enforcing my boundaries. Good for you. Keep at it.
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#5
Quote:
It is uncomfortable... it's not an automatic response for me. It's new, learned behavior that I am practicing, and I know you are too. I had written in the OP that I was taught to always be nice, even if someone is hurting me. And I decided no more of that BS. One can still be polite and pleasant, but can also avoid the person and a negative interaction. I am learning how to still accomplish that. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
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#6
Life is too short to waste it on people who don’t enhance your life.
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Have Hope, RoxanneToto
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#7
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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divine1966
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indigo1015
The sun is out
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Location: Westminster, CO USA
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#8
Excellent post... You hit the nail right on the head. Sound advice for everyone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "No" or with protecting your mental/emotional health by using boundaries. Way to go!!!
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Magnate
Rive.
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Member Since: Sep 2013
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#9
Absolutely. This is a lesson some of us have to learn... however painful it is to sever some close/meaningful relationships.
How much should we sacrifice ourselves for others... to the detriment of ourselves?! We do have to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and if others refuse to show a modicum of respect, good riddance. |
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Have Hope, RoxanneToto
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#10
Thank you @indigo1015 and @Rive.!
I definitely come from the mindset that once we are hurting ourselves by being involved with someone - whether that be a family member, acquaintance, friend or lover --- we have to reconsider the relationship and exactly what it's doing for us that is positive, healthy and beneficial. If it's not positive, healthy or beneficial, then it's time to cut ties, move on and be around healthier people. This is SO very important and critical for achieving inner happiness, inner peace of mind, positive and strong mental health, good feelings, and the like. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Location: Eastern, USA
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#11
I also come from the mindset that some people are meant to be in our lives to teach us something valuable, like a life lesson we needed to learn, OR to help us and save us in a time of need, while others are meant to stay and remain friends for a lifetime.
I've had many such experiences whereby I've learned lessons from fleeting, short-term romances and from fleeting, short-term friendships. Not everyone can be a close confidante and best friend. Not all friendships are meant to stay, and neither are all relationships. My best friends I can count on one hand. Then I have a much larger social circle of acquaintances and friends. And I've had several new "friends" come and go in my life. Not everyone we can relate to well and on a deeper emotional level or even a spiritual level. True friendship for me can take years to evolve into a best friendship. My best friends are people I've known for years and years. Several I've known for about 20 years. Those are the ones who hang up the phone every time saying "I love you". And sometimes with a new friendship we can bump up against major differences in values, beliefs, and lifestyles that prevent the friendship from being anything deeper. And I value honesty, integrity, true caring and sincerity within a friendship. I also value being able to own up to a mistake and apologize when someone's been hurt within the friendship. I am typically the first to apologize within a conflict, even if I'm not the one in the wrong per se. But if someone cannot apologize to me as well, they are no true friend of mine, and I move on. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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RoxanneToto
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hobbypoet
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: East Coast
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#12
This has given me a lot to think about. Thank you for sharing this.
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Junior Member
CharlieGyrle
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Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: USA
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#13
What a lovely thread. Important topic.
It's taken me many years to find the healthiest balance. Practice makes perfect. Time and dedication. |
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Legendary Wise Elder
eskielover
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#14
I have always kept new people in my life at a FRIENDLY distance while getting to know them better & determining whether they are someone I would actually have a FRIENDSHIP with or not.
Those I determine not just fade away because I do nothing to encourage any friendship at all. Some people don't understand the difference between someone being friendly & an actual friendship. This can create issues if that person is rather clingy to people THEY want to be friends with. That is when strong boundaries become necessary & I have learned to cast my boundaries in concrete so I don't get involved in relationships I don't want to be in. __________________ Leo's favorite place was in the passenger seat of my truck. We went everywhere together like this. Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018 |
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Have Hope, RoxanneToto
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Wisest Elder Ever
Fuzzybear
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#15
Thanks for sharing this
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Grand Poohbah
RoxanneToto
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#16
I’d love it if we could teach the next generation to have good boundaries, rather than just to be nice. Being nice isn’t a bad thing, but on its own, opens people up to being used and abused. Respect for self and others is important, too.
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Wise Elder
Have Hope
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Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#17
Being "nice" has gotten me abused and mistreated, so no more. One can be pleasant, affable and sociable but still exercise strong boundaries and self respect.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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RoxanneToto
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