Eventually

Hello,

please sorry in advance for any mistake in my english;i'm not a native speaker

Since 2019 i've been posting here about a story with a guy that i developed almost an obsession with (just in my head-never stalking or **** but overthinking in my head after it happened)
Basically in 2017 i met this guy and was interested at first but then i started going out with someone else
Yes i've been what i've been but never had intention to hurt
Anyway it didn't last a lot with the second guy because my life too hace been a caso lately and we "split" already in early 2018

I had to write this because someone could have read this story before, but what i want to tell is about something else (following in the next post)

After my father died this year i had to face pain and regret going back with my mind to things that I had almost forgotten
Childhood memories, teenage years and early twenties

I had troubles in the passage from high school to university, and in my early twenties i developped compulsive lying and did **** like telling people i was ok when i wasn't, studying when i wasn't
I wasnt sure of the uni i picked and was ashamed of it
I was very in a shy way looking for other people approval and being introverted af and a bit shady at the same time
One day (more that ten years ago, i was 21) i was approached by a friend of a friend. I already knew he was interest in me
I dont now what i did because he was very gentle in it but i behaved like a cold hearted ***** saying that... i was interested in another guy that i knew
And nobody could undestand why i would do so. I think i was not interested in him but then regret it shortly after
I was thinking "what am i doing?" still, i remain paralyzed
In fact i now can realize that i was a true sociopath
I remain paralyzed, i could not say anything else to him and my/his friend
I regret it immediately but since i rejected him at first, i probably said to myself "this is done. Go hide yourself and run away from the hate of him"
I was also not used to being approched, scared of "young things"
But i felt his and my pain in it

Months passes... and i ended up dating the other guy which was rude and thinkibg i was very unhappy and "what happened to me/my life" inside
Still, from the moment our relationship became official it was done
My life was done i was his girlfriend
And i freezed and stayed there and i was not much in love with him but fake it and fake also a life on Facebook, having the first guy among the contacts

I honestly think i was unable to love or be caring, in fact i could take care of my own life too
But the relationship with the second guy made it worst because i suffocated something of me, a side who started feeling that i was missing out true love; and became an angry person
i left him almost three years after we had discussion on porn and my look

But at the point i felt screwed
Never conctacted the first guy because i kind of remove what happened and he was now having his life again

Then my life... didn't go on
I went in psychotherapy but had trouble fixing my career, and went down, and down as a person
I've been into random brief relationship i was not comfortable with for different reasons
(and had to rethink my behaviours but continued to go down)

After eleven years i had almost a shock remembering that guy, and i think letting him go was a little trauma for me
I cried desperate going too late through this "epyphany" because i think that he was good and gentle and i could have been good and maybe a better person with him
I have a sexual dysfuction and im pretty sure i could have fix it with him
I have reasons to think he could have been the right person for me as he was very warm and funny but also gentle

I cried thinking about time, my life, family
I lost time and now grief and loss are here.

I wish i've been good... with this gift called life

Sorry, it was just to vent

Hope you did a bit bettet

Gasplessy, please understand that when someone is young like you were, it’s common not to know what you want. You are looking back on that with more life experience and maturity then you had back when you were younger. You are not being fair to yourself for regretting things you simply did not know in the past.

I feel won't get out of this

Too much time without realizing it
Possibilities gone, death

I'm sorry
I don't think im a negative person but i just realize this was the button i had to press years ago to get out of the swamp
Ten years of nothing

Thank you for your post anyway
Im on therapy but empty/sad
Gone too far

I admit that I am confused. But I hope that one day you will be able to forgive yourself. You did not have an intention to hurt someone. Where did you learn that a ''mistake'' is a Crime?? Have you ever had helpful therapy? Maybe your therapist is not very helpful (some therapists mostly just listen.. maybe you need something different?) I'm sorry, I wasn't able to read all of your longer post in this thread.

I don't usually like, or use, cliches, but ''today is a new day''.. I hope that somehow you can FEEL better. Then maybe you can ''be better''.. which is what you desire. I think that you are probably a ''good'' person who is very hard on yourself and confused.


It seems that you are ''young'' - I think ''young'' is anything up to about 50 although many ''experts'' would disagree.... 30 is the new 25 and all that... I know a 90 year old who has made many mistakes but is learning, growing and healing. I hope you find healing some day, however that may be for you.

Sometimes even a tiny change can create other positive changes. Maybe you could read about different types of therapy? Explore spirituality if you have not already done so? (sorry if I'm not being helpful, I'm just tossing out a few ideas)

It seems like you are wandering from man to man looking for love or running from the past. I mean no disrespect. Maybe you are not honest with others because you are hiding something deeper. Maybe you are afraid to face your fears. Are you afraid something bad will happen if people find out you are lying or pretending to love them?

Thanks to everyone

I think there was an original "trauma" many years ago that i couldn't fix and then i went down in a downwardspiral

I wandered from man to man after it, yes
Now i'm not doing it anymore

I'm talking to a psychologist

I'm sad
I wish i realized it before

You are doing well! It is good if you can be honest with yourself.

I think you should choose wisely and also make sure you want what you decide to go for. You should not dating lots of guys and leaving wrong messages with different guys. When a woman plays a guy, it can be hard for that guy to pick himself up. Emotionally.

I stopped dating
I can't anymore since I realized what I've done with my life.