I don't know how I feel about my marriage right now

Hi everyone. I was taking a wee break from PC to collect myself. I find myself needing support again though.

I don't even know where to begin. This is about my marriage, but I have to give background to the story that brings me to the place I am in now.

I had a spiritual awakening that began 12 years ago and which resulted in my suddenly hearing voices. Many of them were very dark and evil voices. I also started experiencing voices that were benevolent, encouraging, positive, supportive and very loving.

This was the result of

I had read that people can "open up" and experience something along these lines after such an experience. Well, that's what happened to me. Years later, this evolved into channeling.

Well, I deliberately shut down the channeling (to make a long story short) in the last few days, and after 12 years of a LOT of spiritual confusion between the evil and the loving voices I heard.

And to get to the main point, I now am wondering about and am questioning my marriage again. Prior to shutting this down, I felt pretty good about my marriage. Now, I am in a quandary again.

He hasn't yelled at me, and there have been no signs of the toxic marriage I had previously experienced. After I told him I was divorcing him about two months ago, he has dramatically improved, doing almost a complete 180 turnaround, and he's been a far more ideal and loving husband.

However, some issues or toxic elements in the relationship still persist, which makes me feel like it's probably time to pursue couples counseling. I now have health insurance, so it's possible.

He still can make (periodic) mean jokes at my expense, he is still periodically or frequently controlling of me, and sometimes he blames me for things that I am not responsible for.

I feel that my shutting down channeling has brought me back down to earth and to reality a bit. It's really hard to explain, but I was in a VERY different state of mind before I shut it down. I was thinking much more positively and I was listening to the positive and loving guidance I was receiving.

I am trying hard to remain within the Guidelines while writing this, and I hope I am within Guidelines. I am not allowed to inspire any religious discussion on here, and that's not the purpose of this thread whatsoever, but in essence, I drastically changed my spiritual beliefs through this spiritual experience.

And now, I feel very confused about my relationship, my marriage, myself and who I am. I feel a bit lost. Deep inside, I feel or think I am the same person that I was before this all occurred 12 years ago. But I also wasn't exactly myself over the last 12 years either. This awakening almost has me off kilter. It has changed me, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

I just don't know how I feel, and I wonder if I am still in love with him. I feel very apart from him right now. I feel very alone with this experience and with very few people to speak with about it. He is aware of it. We have talked a lot about it, but I still feel alone as there are many details I have NOT shared with him.

Medical professionals call it medical. My last therapist calls it medical, and my family believes it was medically related. Hearing voices that is.

During my channeling, the benevolent voices told me I was in fact

This also has me off kilter. Is it all true?

Now the voices have calmed WAY down. I have forced it down and I have shut it down. Now I am left to figure things out for myself while before I was receiving guidance. Or maybe I'm just nuts.

If this thread belongs in the spiritual forum instead, I apologize. My goal on this thread is to address the spiritual isolation I feel, combined with my confused feelings now about my marriage and what I want.

Sometimes I feel we want very different things. Then sometimes what we want feels aligned.

Maybe I'm experiencing a late mid life crisis? I do not know.

All I know, is that I feel lost, confused, sad and very alone. I was comforted and supported by the loving voices, and now they're gone.

So, I am asking for support with my confusion over my relationship and my feelings towards him, my isolation and my sadness. Thanks for reading, and thanks for any support you can provide.

I'd like to offer support.. I think that working through your self-issues is going to be 100% necessary before you can take stock of, and deal with any couple-issues. (put on your oxygen mask before trying to help someone else) Reduction in abusive behavior is great news.
Maybe try to focus on mindfulness and - this seems a bit silly, but... have you considered asking the positive guides for help in getting rid of the negative voices? I mean - if you can get rid of the dark stuff but keep the good stuff, that'd be optimal?
Sorry if any of this is not good advice, please discard anything that is not a help.

Thank you sooo much.

Everything you wrote is helpful.

It's so hard to get into on here in detail due to Guidelines so I will try my best within the Guidelines.

I have to demand that the dark voices leave me alone. I cannot seem to have just the positive ones without the dark ones being present. I tried multiple avenues for the last 12 years and finally had to ask that the channel be closed and shut down and demand that the dark voices cease and desist.

Maybe I experienced something medical and psychological, but it doesn't seem that way at all to me. It very much was spiritual in my own experience.

I agree that I need to get a handle on all of this myself first.

I almost feel like I'm in a spiritual and personal crisis, yet my husband has NO idea. I am acting as though everything is fine.

I told him that I shut down the channeling because it became too overwhelming for me, which it did.

And yes, it's great that the majority of his abuse has stopped.

However, just this morning we had tension over him trying to control and dictate our day. We're headed out of town for the night, and he immediately wanted to dictate what hour we left and how our agenda would be organized for the entire day., without asking for my input OR my approval. I got snappy with him and stated my preferences, yet with tension in my voice.

So this is now what we are facing: his need to control everything, my annoyance and irritation over that, and my desire for him to consider and include my input.
I've already brought this to his attention before: that he needs to include me in planning that involves the both of us.

But it's causing MAJOR tension between us right now, even though we have a nice day and night planned ahead.

And I am irritated by his constant need to control, to tell me what to do and how to do it. I feel myself fighting him on it, getting tense with him, and as a result we are tense with each other.

UGH.

You describe a very great change. It sounds very challenging and disorienting.

No wonder you feel so alone.

I wonder what you would think of sitting with the current feelings for a time, continuing discuss them if appropriate opportunities arise (including here?), and seeing where they lead you.

Think of it like this. Even if there's no overt abuse right now, the previous abuse/control/etc is a wound that still hasn't healed. When he does something controlling/dismissive of your feelings/preferences/etc ---- even something that might not bother you from someone else --- it rubs that unhealed wound. so it's normal to be sensitive in those areas. If your husband stepped on your toe and sprained it, he'd be super careful (I hope!) to not bump it or step on it or bother it in any way, at least until it healed. Maybe you could explain to him that your wounds are still there, and the sorts of things that bother those wounds, and see how he responds. Just a thought...

Thank you so much, Bill.

It is..... it was a profound change and continues to be profound. It is the most isolating feeling for me. I find myself talking about my channeling experiences to random people I know, opening myself up to possible cross eyed looks and judgements.

One woman whom I told was very receptive. I've spoken to a few close friends about it, but I still feel alone in my experience.

And right now, I especially feel alone within my marriage because I need to keep a lot of the experiences to myself. I want to and have chosen to do that. It is very private and very personal for me. I also am afraid that he will run away from me if I divulge everything. And because of the past abuse with him, I am afraid of sharing my vulnerabilities too much or else he may choose to use them against me. I still am very wary because the abuse wasn't too long ago.

I feel SO lost. I feel like I'm in a stormy sea, in a boat all by myself, navigating the choppy waters all on my own. It's very scary and very frightening.

I will keep talking on here, which does help. And I do need to sit with this and let myself just experience all that I am.

Therapy should help too, which I have on Wednesday this week. I finally opened up just last week to him about my spiritual life. He did not claim it was medical, but he worried about the intrusiveness of the dark voices. And they were very intrusive, so that forced me to shut it all down.

Thanks! Excellent point, and great advice!!!! I will try that... when the time is right to mention it again.

I am trying to adjust to this new life. I've been channeling for so long now that I don't know what it's like to feel normal without hearing the voices. They've calmed and have disappeared now.

I am absorbing this spiritual experience and am reflecting upon it. The dark voices really frightened me and also offended me. I felt like I was going to hell, or surrounded by hell. It was most disconcerting. The benevolent loving voices gave me insights, motivation and inspiration. Now I am without both. It's strange.

Yesterday I was free of all of it except for a random dark voice here and there. I demanded that it leave. And when I do that, it stops.

My husband met good friends of mine yesterday for the first time. I hadn't seen them in three years, so it was soooo wonderful to touch base and to see them again. They live on one of my favorite local beaches. They made us an amazing fresh lobster dinner -- literally, just caught that day, so that fresh. And they loved my husband! My friend Deb even said that she was in love with him. Of course, she. meant it jokingly, not for real. She's very happily married.

I think I feel a bit better about my marriage now. I suppose it will continue to be an adjustment as I adjust to the new or old me.

The last 12 years have been an enlightening experience to say the least. I decided yesterday that I will choose gratitude for having had this experience. Most of all, I am grateful to feel my old self come back, without all the distraction and noise.

At the same time, I am not sure what to do with many of the predictions and information I was given through my channeling -- that my father will pass away before the end of the year, that I had been sexually abused, that Biden will win the election and a few other important tidbits.

I just don't know what to make of it all. Did all that information come from the loving or the dark voices? I found that the dark voices lied to me and even pretended to be loving. The loving voices seemed genuine and real. The whole thing is sooooooo surreal I don't know what to make of it.

I really don't want to channel anymore though. The dark, the scary and the bad outweighed all the good things that came of it. I began to feel unhealthy and unbalanced. Now I feel healthier and more balanced again.

Do you hear voices as though there’s someone literally talking to you, or are these voices in your head and you ‘hear’ them by thought?

If I am understanding, it sounds like what you are saying is you have kept this from your husband and want to confide it in him, but worry he will react badly. Is that right?

The group of friends who showed love for him helped you to feel good about him. When we see someone in a good light, where others value them, it’s easy to think well of them.

I heard them by thought. At first, they were around me. Then they were in my thoughts. Now they are gone and I don't hear voices anymore.

I shared a lot of what occurred with my husband, but I kept some things private.

And yes, having my friends respond positively towards him helped me to feel more positive about him myself. I saw him in the light that they did. And we had a great time.

I know I will still deal with his controlling ways and his jokes, but I am praying that that changes as well.

I now will pray all the time, given my spiritual experience and how it changed me.

I firmly believe that if you were hearing voices that were of spiritual value they would help you to feel calm, peaceful, and grounded. Whether or not the voices you hear are "real" or not, that they are causing you confusion, fear, and consternation tells me that the voices are harmful and not worthy of being given your energy and attention.

It sounds to me that continuing to listen to the voices you're hearing is potentially dangerous for you. They might be entertaining you and providing a place to escape to, but are they leading you in a healthy direction? If they are not, pursuing medical treatment would be wise, in my opinion.

Thank you and I understand the concerns.

I came to the same conclusion and shut it all down. The benevolent voices were very helpful and inspiring, but the dark voices scared me. I do not hear voices now, and I am no longer "channeling".

Hey @Have Hope I Just wanted to tell you that you're not crazy. I can't say I have experienced exactly what you have but I'm a firm believer that those inner thoughts we have come from someplace good or at least some place intuitive. I don't think you should completely discount them if that's what you've done in the past. I'm not saying you have it's just a thought I had pop in my head. Are you saying you want your husband to understand these voices better? I will have to read over your post again but I'm on my kindle now and it really sucks for internet.

Hey Sarah. No worries.

I need to hear just my own voice and I am demanding it. It is working. So hard to get into more details on here so I have to keep it kind of general. I can't seem to have the good voices without the bad so I asked for them all to go away.

I just want to feel normal inside my own body again, ya know? I don't need to divulge ALL details to my husband. He knows the most important aspects.

And thanks for saying I am not crazy! It has felt like craziness for a long time now. But it's going away and I do feel more grounded and more normal again.

Thanks for checking in on my thread!

Hugs to you.

I am not qualified to say much re the medical vs. the spiritual aspect.

However, this is not okay in a loving, respectful, relationship.

It is not acceptable to treat your partner like this. So, if you want to stay with him, he really ought to work on how he communicates with, and ultimately in how he treats, you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Hey Sarah. No worries. I need to hear just my own voice and I am demanding it. It is working. So hard to get into more details on here so I have to keep it kind of general. I can't seem to have the good voices without the bad so I asked for them all to go away. I just want to feel normal inside my own body again, ya know? I don't need to divulge ALL details to my husband. He knows the most important aspects. And thanks for saying I am not crazy! It has felt like craziness for a long time now. But it's going away and I do feel more grounded and more normal again. Thanks for checking in on my thread! Hugs to you.

64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do
I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you before @HaveHope but I found it really enlightening.

Thanks, and I agree with you @Rive. I will be addressing each of these issues. And I still hope to get a couples therapist. He has vastly improved in other ways, so I see a lot of positive progress -- a huge positive.

Thanks, @sarahsweets!

I'm returning to this thread. It needs to be revived.

I lost it on him yesterday (my husband). I found myself at a breaking point (again), so I told him I am sick of him trying to control everything, including ME, that I am sick of his demeaning and belittling so-called "jokes" that are aimed at me, and I told him I am sick of his frequent criticisms, telling me everything I do is WRONG, and that he knows the RIGHT way to do this, that or the other.

I said all that and then told him -- either you get on board and change these behaviors, and treat me with the respect I deserve, or I'm leaving you.

So, once again, I am at a crossroads.

And today, I've hit an all time low. I am experiencing a crippling type of depression. There are other issues at play, like him cleaning up after himself more, him taking on more responsibility in our apartment, and his physical ailments that prevent him from doing anything physical with me except for dancing when we go out for live music. I insisted as well that he help out in the apartment more and start cleaning up after himself more.

I've basically had it and am at my wits end. He improved vastly in some ways that I needed and asked for, and now I am seeing other things that also need improvement. I am thinking right now that I married the wrong man, if he needs THIS much improvement in order to make me truly happy. And I am kicking myself -- yet again -- for possibly making a HUGE mistake.

Then again -- I've been dating for more than 30 years. And EVERYONE has issues - mental, emotional, or what have you .And I've seen what's available and what's out there, and it's very slim pickings at my age. At the same time, I'd rather be alone and lonely than depressed, struggling, and deeply unhappy married to the wrong person.

And only just two weeks ago, I was telling him how much I love him, that I was SO happy he had made SO much positive progress and changes, and how I was proud of him for it.

Now this.

Granted, he lost his brother in the twin towers on 9/11, and 9/11 just came and went -- this is always a hard time of year for him. That is NO excuse for his behavior, but it may explain some of it over the last two weeks.

I just feel like crying, crawling into my bed and waking up when the world is better. I am emotionally and mentally exhausted and drained.