Hurt by my husband's self centeredness and lack of memory

He is SO self absorbed in his own life and life pain, that he forgot (after nearly THREE years together) that I had also lost a friend on 9/11. He lost his dear brother in the twin towers on this day, and I lost a friend in flight 93 on this day.

Today he tells me he has no recollection about my friend. I've posted in the past on Facebook about my friend, and I've told my husband about it several times. We've spoken about it at least 3-5 times.

Yet he forgets? He is SO wrapped up in his own loss and pain that he cannot acknowledge or remember mine?

I mean, I get it -- a family loss is most tragic, and especially in that particular manner. I DO get it, and I feel a ton of compassion for him.

But he often is wrapped up in himself and I get neglected. I am sick of it.

He can be most loving and attentive at times, but he can also be neglectful and really self absorbed.

And because of 9/11 and his own pain with the situation, he's been tense with me and is bickering with me, fighting me on every little thing I say, need or ask of him.

I am going back and forth again about divorce. I'm at a point of exasperation and mental and emotional exhaustion.

I just feel very down spirited today and I have a ton on my mind. Nothing seems simple or easy including my marriage. He’s trying to cheer me up. He can tell I’m upset.

How old is he, Have Hope? Has he always been this way?

He's 48 -- yes, I believe he has always been this way.

Well, he has been better throughout today.

I am also going through a lot personally. A LOT. I have to give myself some time to process and absorb everything I am personally going through too. I shared some of it with him today and that made me feel slightly better.

This is still a problem though.

I guess no one else is replying...?

If he is often neglectful and preoccupied with his own life, it could be hard for sure. I understand.

I am not sure about this particular issue as grief is such individual and lonely thing. It’s hard to share grief. It could be very selfish. It’s not uncommon to be self absorbed in grief and not really be into acknowledging others’ grief at the moment. I am not saying it’s normal or not, but it’s just common.

In general though I get it that it’s hard to deal with self absorbed people. I hope he continues improving and hopefully still considers couples therapy

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a friend in any situation hurts. With all of the tragedy surrounding your loss I would imagine you could feel like the pain of their death is drowned out by the whole event since so many people died that day. So maybe you feel like everyone is preoccupied with the event and not with your personal loss?

Having it being forgotten by your husband, though, must be extra hard.

I don't know anyone who lost someone in 9/11, but I guess now I do.

Take care of yourself today/tomorrow (whatever time it is where you are).

Thanks, Divine. I agree that grief is very individual but to forget an important detail of my life like that? It hurt.

I've told him I would appreciate if he would ask me how my day was. I've hinted around this, but I haven't been direct about it yet. Being direct seems to have more positive results.

I hope we can still go to couples therapy too. Thank you.

Thanks, guy. He wasn't a very close friend, but it still impacted me.

Yes, it was very hard to have my husband forget.

I don't know how I feel right now -- really down, is the only way to say it.

Last night I had a bad night with him. First time in a long while. Everything has been going ok until now for me. He said some things that deflated my spirits. It ruined the night for me. I basically went fetal on the couch and withdrew from him.

Today I feel stronger but am questioning everything. Can I stay with him? Can he give me what I need emotionally? Can he continue to improve? Will couples counseling help? These are the questions spinning in my head.

And last night I felt so far apart from him. I recoiled and regressed.

So far I’ve been super on top of every little thing. Then last night his words got to me and I didn’t feel good. He can poke holes in my self esteem. Usually it hasn’t effected me like this but last night it made me down and it did effect me. I felt weakened.

I don’t know what happened.

And today he tried to tell me I ruined the night for both of us because of my mood. So I confronted him and said are you deliberately trying to make me feel bad? Then he flipped it around to make it seem like I was treating him poorly because I called him out.

There’s still elements of emotional abuse present and I don’t know how to handle it.

How did the way he reacted and treated you on this 9/11 compare with previous 9//11s since you have been together with him?

I don’t recall him being this way for past 9/11 times. Which is what is strange.

Hey @Have Hope- First of all, sorry for you loss re:9/11. It seems like there are reoccurring issues within your marriage- at least from what you have shared here. It would be the easy way out for me to say "divorce him" "leave him" but you are married and you love him and I want to validate that and acknowledge the fact that this is emotionally painful and tough.
It sounds like strife with your husband is...almost cyclical. Things are ok, then little short bouts of strife..then a BIG fight or disagreement, and then you may or may not talk it out and he may or may not hear and accept your feelings. It sounds like he has communication issues because he is not "hearing" what your heart is telling him. He doesnt have to like it but if he loves you as a husband should, he should want to make things better. I mean... do you think in some way the conflict is..familiar or normal for him? I have friends who grew up in abusive or conflict ridden households who have trouble relating to their spouses in a non-confrontational way. It is almost comforting to them to settle disputes with anger and resentment. Could he be like this?

I honestly do not know. All I know is what I experience with him. I've noticed that whenever HE doesn't feel good, or when he is under duress of some sort, he treats me differently. He is snappy and more distant and he takes his mood out on me.

After I confronted him with some things yesterday that he was doing, like being overly critical of me, he turned it around and was his loving self again.

We haven't had a huge fight in a long time though. He's been pretty good.

I confronted him on other behaviors yesterday that were bugging me. I had decided to have a beer at 2 PM and his response was "surprise surprise". So I told him that was a dig at me and to be much nicer to me if he wants this marriage to work -- that he had been making digs like this at me for a few days now and I am sick of it. I told him I never make digs at him for smoking weed. He turned it all around by being all loving, endearing and cute for the rest of the eve.

I really don't know how I feel. Right now, I just feel unsettled. I guess I need to sit with my feelings for a while until I have greater clarity.

Both are passive aggressive moves, unfortunately. While acting sweet does at least feel better, since it isn't genuine, it will only last until it wears him out. It is very tiring to act nice when you don't feel it. The only way he can turn it around is to decide to own his sarcastic comment. Maybe if you don't retaliate, it will give him time to think about what he did.

Sorry this happened, I hope it didn't ruin your evening.

Christ @Have Hope I’m sorry he made a comment like that. It’s not like you’re an alcoholic! I haven’t seen you post about drinking or alcohol abuse. It’s not like you’ve been drunk posting !

Thanks, Guy.

He did apologize. Most typically his response is "I was only joking", and my response is typically, "well, I am not laughing and it wasn't funny. Don't make such jokes at my expense." And around and around we go, with no resolution.

He continues to make random jabs at me.... I need to find the winning words that will actually WORK. This weekend at one point I said "is it your purpose and goal to MAKE ME FEEL BAD?" That seemed to have jolted him for a moment.

And yeah, while his overtures last night to make it up to me by being all nice, sweet and cute didn't feel very genuine. It felt like an act to simply get me back to loving him again. Like a manipulation.

I really don't know what to make of things anymore or how I feel.

Thanks, Sarah.

No, I am not an alcoholic. I do like to drink, but in moderation. His comment was totally uncalled for. Hence why I told him, "I don't make jabs at you about your pot smoking - ever - not once".