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Open Eyes
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 01:54 PM
  #61
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Ok, that gives me some hope! We had a minor breakthrough in therapy last night! The therapist explained how me always trying to be super understanding of her issues is kind of being co-dependant. Like I should be letter her fall down now and then or actually get upset with her for ranting all the time. And then I was able to get her to say sorry for making me feel like I can't express myself. I guess I will have to be more patient with this process.
That is good that you had that break through in last night's session. It was also good that this therapist (in front of your wife) talked about how you slip into being codependent, something both of you need to realize. Your wife needs to understand how some of her behaviors can hurt you where you distance and stay quiet when instead you need to communicate with her when she IS behaving selfishly.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:56 PM
  #62
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That is good that you had that break through in last night's session. It was also good that this therapist (in front of your wife) talked about how you slip into being codependent, something both of you need to realize. Your wife needs to understand how some of her behaviors can hurt you where you distance and stay quiet when instead you need to communicate with her when she IS behaving selfishly.
Ya, it was good for me to hear that. It humbled me a little, because I thought I was so smart and in control by just letting her blow all her steam and then talking calmly to her and asking if there is anything I can do to help. While it is good to be able to remain calm and be understanding in a heated situation, when she keeps doing it over and over I should be stepping in with some force behind my voice and tell her to stop it! Even if someone isn't directing a tantrum at you, you have to step in at some point and tell them to knock it off. It makes sense, like, I wouldn't allow a child to keep behaving this way. Maybe once or twice on the playground to let out some steam, but repeatedly in the house. No way!

I think I'll end this thread. Thanks everyone!!!
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:58 PM
  #63
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That is good that you had that break through in last night's session. It was also good that this therapist (in front of your wife) talked about how you slip into being codependent, something both of you need to realize. Your wife needs to understand how some of her behaviors can hurt you where you distance and stay quiet when instead you need to communicate with her when she IS behaving selfishly.
Ya, I'm hoping she is not still in denial. Once the pink cloud wears off we will see her behavior.

Thanks again!!Abandonment IssueAbandonment IssueAbandonment Issue
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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 12:52 PM
  #64
Hi Guy, I hope you keep having breakthroughs and things get much better for you both...I really do! I also do think it sounds that there could be a problem of narcissism. It would mean that things could seem to get better, but there'll always be a big question (one I had to ask myself) whether your partner really wants the relationship to work for you both, because of mutual respect and love, or whether they want it to continue because of how it benefits them. I'm not saying that is what your wife is doing, but it is a very hard thing to know for sure, and it will only really show when you do have conflicts. I struggle with conflict...but like yourself, can see when I've legitimately done wrong and would attempt to remedy somehow. From what I know of (covert) highly narcissistic people they will feign remorse often completely missing the reasons for the upset, and cast themselves as the virtuous hard done by person...they always get what they want, but never have what they want, and will project their disatisfaction onto you. Every issue you have will be about them (cause everything is about them) and they'll ask you why you can't just be happy with them. Being with someone like that is exhausting.

I really don't want to undermine your breakthrough...but it strikes me that you're putting so much emotional energy into repairing...I just really hope that things are getting better for the right reasons
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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 12:56 PM
  #65
Sorry, I missed these posts on this last page, so was replying to the last post on the previous page...all the best!
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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 02:49 PM
  #66
I agree with you @KBMK and that is why I am trying to listen as carefully as I can to guy because he has deep wounds from his time experiencing narcissistic abuse in his history. He is trying very hard to work through that challenge with his therapist. I empathize with that in that I do know what that is like first hand and I am sure others can sympathize as well. Yes, it's possible that his wife has some issues with narcissism but it's also possible she has her own challenges that get triggered too. This is something that as you mentioned will reveal itself with time.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Sep 24, 2020 at 03:12 PM..
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Default Sep 24, 2020 at 02:50 PM
  #67
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I think I'll end this thread. Thanks everyone!!!
Ok!

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Default Sep 25, 2020 at 10:40 PM
  #68
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Hi Guy, I hope you keep having breakthroughs and things get much better for you both...I really do! I also do think it sounds that there could be a problem of narcissism. It would mean that things could seem to get better, but there'll always be a big question (one I had to ask myself) whether your partner really wants the relationship to work for you both, because of mutual respect and love, or whether they want it to continue because of how it benefits them. I'm not saying that is what your wife is doing, but it is a very hard thing to know for sure, and it will only really show when you do have conflicts. I struggle with conflict...but like yourself, can see when I've legitimately done wrong and would attempt to remedy somehow. From what I know of (covert) highly narcissistic people they will feign remorse often completely missing the reasons for the upset, and cast themselves as the virtuous hard done by person...they always get what they want, but never have what they want, and will project their disatisfaction onto you. Every issue you have will be about them (cause everything is about them) and they'll ask you why you can't just be happy with them. Being with someone like that is exhausting.

I really don't want to undermine your breakthrough...but it strikes me that you're putting so much emotional energy into repairing...I just really hope that things are getting better for the right reasons
I understand your viewpoint. I will wait until the pink cloud fades. Thanks for your help!
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Default Sep 26, 2020 at 10:39 AM
  #69
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Hi Guy, I hope you keep having breakthroughs and things get much better for you both...I really do! I also do think it sounds that there could be a problem of narcissism. It would mean that things could seem to get better, but there'll always be a big question (one I had to ask myself) whether your partner really wants the relationship to work for you both, because of mutual respect and love, or whether they want it to continue because of how it benefits them. I'm not saying that is what your wife is doing, but it is a very hard thing to know for sure, and it will only really show when you do have conflicts. I struggle with conflict...but like yourself, can see when I've legitimately done wrong and would attempt to remedy somehow. From what I know of (covert) highly narcissistic people they will feign remorse often completely missing the reasons for the upset, and cast themselves as the virtuous hard done by person...they always get what they want, but never have what they want, and will project their disatisfaction onto you. Every issue you have will be about them (cause everything is about them) and they'll ask you why you can't just be happy with them. Being with someone like that is exhausting.

I really don't want to undermine your breakthrough...but it strikes me that you're putting so much emotional energy into repairing...I just really hope that things are getting better for the right reasons

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Default Nov 13, 2020 at 11:57 AM
  #70
Just be honest with her, and let her know how you feel. Its likely for a woman to dress more provocative when going out with the girls. Every woman loves attention from guys, it doesnt mean she will cheat on you. Innocent until proven guilty. Although i do not think its a good idea to keep going out with the girls where she goes, because temptation will arise.
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Default Nov 14, 2020 at 01:47 AM
  #71
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Just be honest with her, and let her know how you feel. Its likely for a woman to dress more provocative when going out with the girls. Every woman loves attention from guys, it doesnt mean she will cheat on you. Innocent until proven guilty. Although i do not think its a good idea to keep going out with the girls where she goes, because temptation will arise.
I've been honest with her in the past and it backlashes, so I've pretty much given up on relying on her for support.

Yes, everyone enjoys some attention, men and women. No, I don't think she would cheat on me any time in the forseeable future.

My problem is, it triggers my abandonment issues and can be exhausting at times to calm myself down, so I come here for support.

Thanks for your thoughts!
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