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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
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#1
I think that maybe he had a hidden agenda when he invited me to go out drinking with him and his g.f after his dad died. He was house bound for along time usually when his dad was alive. He had dementia. He said that he didn't have the heart to put him in a nursing home even though his dad and him didn't get along with each other.
Anyways, things were fine at first. I went out with him a few times briefly to go out to eat and drink near his place for 3 years. I met him on a social media site. He seemed like a genuinely good guy at first. We liked a lot of the same stuff and he didn't seem like he was attracted to me at all. The funny thing is that one night he told me that he wished that he was single as he missed having sex with lots of women and that he used to be a male slut. He said that he couldn't cheat on his g.f though. The night we went out bar hopping, he was in a good mood. He even bought me drinks a few times even though he was struggling financially. I should've declined his offer. Anyways, he mentioned wanting to get a hotel once I was there and that I could share a room with him and his .g.f. I didn't have enough money to get my own room or enough credit to get one. I trusted him, so I agreed to that so we could stay out and have fun. He got really upset when he saw his former business partner outside. He then got pissed at me when this drunk woman at this seedy bar rubbed her boobs on my back. I was to shocked to say anything at first. They both claimed they didn't see what happened, but my friend told me to take it as a compliment. I wanted to leave then. I should've had the manager kick out that weird woman instead. He got mad at me for interrupting his pool game and he yelled at me. He was really pissed and accused me of ruining his good time over something "silly'. I got upset at him, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt as he was under a lot of stress. That was a mistake. He kept on trying to get me to reveal a secret that I told him to his g.f. She showed no interest in what it was. She was quiet most of the time. So later on that night we both snapped, He told me that if I was a man that he'd punch me in the face! He went on and on the whole night about how I should tell his g.f what I told him and she showed zero interest in my secret. She was quiet most of the time. They left me at the last bar when I went to the bathroom. I didn't know the area or anyone there and I drank to much to drive home. There was no way I wanted to tell my husband what happened as he'd blame me for everything and I shouldn't have agreed to even share a room with them. So I had no choice but to sleep in my car in an empty parking lot. At one point a guy approached me car and knocked on my window. He was holding a gas container. I screamed and honked my horn and he went away. My friend didn't bother calling me, texting me, or emailing me to see if I got home OK or not. He never apologized for a thing. I told him about that weird guy and he told me it's a safe area and he didn't even mention a thing about that guy or that woman in the bar. He told me that I ruined a fun night and pissed him and his g.f off and that he said he noticed that I got the most expensive drink on the menu and that I was being "picky' because I didn't want a certain item in my drink. He then used some of my personal information against me. I take medication for depression and anxiety. I also took some digestion pills at dinner. He then accused me of popping pills and doing drugs at the table! He used to have two abusive ex g.f's who abused a lot of pills, so I think that he has a real bias against pills no matter what they're for. I was really hurt and angry that he'd treat me that way! He told me many times in the past that he's not a sleazebag, but I no longer believe that. I was so upset at having my boundaries violated and at the fact that my personal safety was of no concern to him, that I ended our friendship. I mostly knew him through emails over the years. Did it sound like he never thought of me as a real friend and that he was just biding his time like some guys do? He told me that being friends with me was like being in a relationship without the benefits. I've never been good at reading most people, especially guys, so I'd appreciate and insight into why he acted the way that he did towards me. |
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Fuzzybear, Nowlosingsanity, Rose76, RoxanneToto
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Skeezyks
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#2
I'm sorry I don't think I would have any insight into what your (former) friend's motives may have been in all of this. However to my mind the moral of this story is that, more often than not, booze brings out the worst in people. And it sounds as though it did in your former friend's case. (If you're taking medication for depression & anxiety you shouldn't be drinking anyway.) My suggestion would be to file this experience under "lessons learned" & avoid putting yourself in this kind of situation in the future. I'm glad you made it home safely in the end.
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Breaking Dawn, Fuzzybear
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jesyka, Nowlosingsanity
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Grand Poohbah
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#3
I think, from what you’re saying, he was biding his time. If I had a platonic male friend, I personally wouldn’t start talking sex with them unless it came up as a general topic, or I developed feelings for them, but I accept that’s probably just me, and others may talk about sex more freely without having a hidden agenda.
I also don’t think it was your fault the night got ruined (I’ve been blamed for this before, wasn’t really my fault either). You didn’t ask that woman to do what she did to you, he really should realise that (unless he was already too drunk to think straight by then? Or maybe he would have blamed you anyway). |
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Fuzzybear
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jesyka, Nowlosingsanity
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#4
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jesyka
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#5
I am not saying platonic friendships are not possible but I will say that very often there can be an issue when one person develops feelings or has expectations.
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Nowlosingsanity
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
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#6
Quote:
That's OK. Looking back, I'm almost certain that he was hoping that I'd get drunk enough to let him take advantage of me in the shared hotel room. I'm sure that he's a sex addict. He has a g.f, but he did tell me he missed dating one time. Alcohol does bring out the worse in some people. It didn't help that he had to sell one of his cars to pay for his dads funeral. He was left with nothing. I know that I shouldn't drink when I'm taking meds. I made a mistake. I learned my lesson from this mistake. I'll never ever share a room with any man except for my husband of course no matter who they are. And if I ever become friends with a male in the future, I'll keep certain things to myself and not make myself to vulnerable from now on. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
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#7
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You're probably right about what you said. He sounded like he was a sex addict. What kind of guy says that he loves his g.f but that he misses dating? And he said he used to be a male slut, but that he wouldn't cheat on his g.f. Weird! It was a bad idea to mention even anything remotely sexual with him. I usually don't do that, but I trusted him. It definitely wan't my fault. He was a real ***** for making a joke about that woman then getting mad at me for how I felt about the situation. He has a very high tolerance. I suspect he's an alcoholic as he'd always mention drinking and he used to know other alcoholics. He was trying to gaslight me. I'm almost certain that the idea about the hotel that just came up after a few drinks wasn't for my benefit, but his. His weird g.f was the type who let him do whatever he wanted to do. Maybe he was hoping to take advantage of me later. Ugh! |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
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#8
Quote:
You're probably right about what you said. I thought it was very weird to how he told me in one email after that night that being my friend was like being in a relationship without the benefits. WTH? Weird! I'm married, ugh! And he told me that I'm also to high 'maintenance'. He expressed no concern for me and he said nothing about that creep guy who approached my car. He expressed no remorse at all for a thing that night. What an *****! |
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Human
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#9
Long story short, yes, I think he was using you. I'm sorry he was a jerk when that woman did that to you, but it sort of sounds like he only cares about his own needs. I mean, you were groped by a stranger and he acts like it's your fault? I'm sorry he turned out to be such a poor quality of character. Maybe stick to female friends for a while. Not because men can't be good friends, but maybe you're having challenges reading them and their intentions?
__________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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Nowlosingsanity
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#10
The guy's a jerk. You don't want to be around this guy. Your husband is amazingly tolerant.
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#11
You sound like a nice person, this experience taught you that this guy isn't. Also, it's best not to take medication in front of others, it should be something you do in private. Whenever someone leaves you feeling devalued and put down, it's best to distance. You can't make another person value others when they don't care to and instead exhibit selfish behaviors like what you described.
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Nowlosingsanity
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#12
Its seems like he wanted you in his life for sexual reasons. There is nothing such as guy and girl friends in this life. Judge Judy said that, and i agree. When i made friends with females at school it was for sexual reasons. I never slept with them but i was socially intimate with them. Lots of hugging kissing and touching.
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
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#13
Quote:
Hi, sorry for the slow response. The pandemic has made me more depressed among other things I have been going through. Thanks for your response. That''s what it seemed like to me too. He actually laughed about what happened with that weird drunk woman who did that to me. He told me to take it as a 'compliment'. I'm sure that he wouldn't have liked having a guy rub himself up against him Especially since he's straight. I told him that and he didn't say anything back to me. He just mostly went on and on about how everything was my fault and that I was being picky with the drinks and it's a 'safe' area. You'[re right, I DO have trouble reading people sometimes, especially guys. I think that I might be slightly autistic. I can read obvious social cues, but I'm not good with subtle messages. Both the physical and the verbal kind. Sometimes I think guys are just being friendly or nice to me. I haven't had much experience with guys either and most of the friends that I have or had had have also not been able to read men that well in the past either. I feel that I can no longer trust any guy. Even the so called gay ones. I'll just stick to dealing with female friends on;y from now on. |
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seesaw
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
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#14
Quote:
He sure is! And his g.f was a weirdo too! She was watching me one time, and I saw here watch me! I should've left at that point! I didn't tell my husband what happened as I KNOW he'd mostly blame me for going out drinking and being stupid enough to agree to share a room with him and his g.f. Trust me on that. He's a very black and white thinker with very little empathy for me or my problems and issues usually. He doesn't care to hear about my personal issues. He is a good provider though. |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
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#15
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Thanks, I am a nice person. Sorry for the slow response. This pandemic and other stuff has gotten me more down lately. No, that guy wasn't nice at all. He had two supposedly abusive ex g.f's he met online who 'abused' pills. He said it disgusted him. I only took some digestive pills in front of him, but he did know that I am on medication for my mental health issues. He accused me of taking actual drugs in front of them, in the restaurant, lol! Who does that? You're right, I shouldn't take any medication that's not in private ever again. I thought that he was OK with tht. He seemed like an open minded good guy, but I sure was wrong about him. He hid his true intentions well. He never even told me that I looked nice once except for when he saw an old pic of me when I was thinner, then he was like wow on FB. Anyways, I'll never be friends with a guy again. It's a good thing that things ended the way that they did. Having his g.f there led me to believe that things would be OK. That was stupid. I should've known better than to trust him after he called himself a male 'slut. He said he used to be one and that he missed dating but he wouldn't cheat on his g.f. He'd always tell me that he'ss not a sleazebag too, yeah, right! lol! |
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: U.S
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#16
Quote:
Thanks for your response. You're probably right about that. Sorry for the slow response. I've been depressed, more than usual. Thanks for being honest too. Judge Judy and you are probably right about that too. I'll never ever be friends with any guy again. |
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Legendary
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#17
I agree about cross-gender "friendships" not being all that platonic.
Another problem I see a lot on PC is people trying to be "friends" with someone they had been in an intimate relationship with. There's no need to be enemies - usually - but hanging out as friends doesn't seem to work very well at all. |
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Nowlosingsanity
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#18
There is no friendship between a man and a woman. And most of guys are dogs. Treat them accordingly.
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Member
Member Since Jul 2020
Location: UK
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#19
I think he would of, there is nothing such as opposite sex friends, one or the other has interior motives. Its usually they plan on making you their partner someday or that they want sex. It could be just to use you for something you have that is appealing.
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Rose76
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