advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-13-2020, 02:09 PM   #1
Bat_Orchid90
Member
 
Bat_Orchid90's Avatar
Bat_Orchid90 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: N/a
Posts: 126
1 yr Member
Default Should I let it go?

A reoccurring issue I have with my partner is him not wanting to discuss the future. Not that he doesn’t want one with me ( so he says).... but he just “isn’t the type” to plan or set goals.... it’s extremely frustrating for me. It makes me feel like he DOESNT want a future with me. We’ve been together for several years now and have yet to even discuss the idea of marriage or children etc. in passing , or as a joke if we see a meme or a post, things like this but not as a serious conversation where I can know where he stands maybe time wise or anything like that. And every time I try to talk to him about getting a house, it always ends in the silent treatment/ a fight. It’s as if, if he can’t do something today, on his own, it’s not worth talking about. And i know we are both still saving, but it took me literally days to find out what his goal to save was and how much he has saved already. I understand not wanting to be all into a topic that isn’t necessarily relevant in the here and now, but how am I supposed to know what to do if there’s no communication. Recently I asked what his plan was for housing again and he just keeps saying idk. Idk. Idk. Or staring at me like a deer in headlights. It’s like he is comfortable now so he doesnt plan for the future. I told him this bothers me. He says he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. Yet offers no actual apology....Instead of coming up with an actual plan together or giving me reasons why he’s comfortable etc. he tries to change the subject, like asking to watch a movie, or go for a walk, etc. which is not what i want.... i want answers... in some cases he deflects and asks what i want, what i plan on doing , etc. again avoiding the issue... it’s so frustrating. I know I am not where I want to be in life, I know there are things he wants to change too but I had thought the point was to do it together. It doesnt mean you cant make any life choices until you have everything you want. I feel like I’m at the point where I may just play along until I can get a house without him and break up.... I don’t want to end up being in a position where I am a middle aged woman who is stuck in an apartment, with no children, and still at “girlfriend “ status after being together for years and years....
Bat_Orchid90 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:

advertisement
Old 09-13-2020, 02:33 PM   #2
RoxanneToto
Member
RoxanneToto has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2020
Location: England
Posts: 165 (SuperPoster!)
426 hugs
given
Default Re: Should I let it go?

To be honest, I think you’re right in that he is comfortable with how things are and doesn’t want things to change. It really concerns me that it turns into a fight when you try and discuss the future - you’re absolutely within your rights to discuss what you want out of life! If you really want children, marriage, a house etc and he won’t even discuss those things, you would, sadly, be better off letting him go.
He either genuinely doesn’t know what he wants, and gets flustered when you bring the future up, or he’s cruising, stringing you along. Either way, it’s really not fair on you. I’m really sorry he’s being like this, though. It’s so hard when you love someone and they’re not willing to even meet you halfway.
RoxanneToto is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 09-13-2020, 02:47 PM   #3
Bat_Orchid90
Member
 
Bat_Orchid90's Avatar
Bat_Orchid90 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: N/a
Posts: 126
1 yr Member
Default Re: Should I let it go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
To be honest, I think you’re right in that he is comfortable with how things are and doesn’t want things to change. It really concerns me that it turns into a fight when you try and discuss the future - you’re absolutely within your rights to discuss what you want out of life! If you really want children, marriage, a house etc and he won’t even discuss those things, you would, sadly, be better off letting him go.
He either genuinely doesn’t know what he wants, and gets flustered when you bring the future up, or he’s cruising, stringing you along. Either way, it’s really not fair on you. I’m really sorry he’s being like this, though. It’s so hard when you love someone and they’re not willing to even meet you halfway.

It just really sucks... because my family will ask in casual conversation ya know? And I never have answers... or I just look stupid... and then when we try to talk. Its like he hasnt thought that far ahead or something. I’ve seen people go and stay together for 10+yrs and have not changed their relationship or living situation in anyway shape or form. And that works for some people! But idk.. when siblings and friends are all married and starting families and here we are just crammed in an apt living through the motions... it gets depressing...even now.. hed rather spend the day playing videogames instead of coming to me and saying “ ya know Ive thought about what you said and __________” something ya know? But no.... he seen me this am and asked about going for a walk again.... not an apology... not an answer to anything I asked him....
Or it’s like he thinks if he gives me simple things now, ill forget or idk itll be enough for me to drop it. Like a child , you give them a toy to distract them from somewhere they want to go or something else they want but cant have. He thinks if he buys me small knick knacks or whatever itll make me more accepting of staying here. That itll make me more comfortable......
Bat_Orchid90 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-14-2020, 06:27 PM   #4
Molinit
Member
Molinit has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 423
3 yr Member
5 hugs
given
Default Re: Should I let it go?

Tick-tock....the sound of the clock ticking seconds, minutes, hours of your life away.

He's wasting your time. Stop waiting. Get out there and find someone who is ready and live your life with that person.

You can't fit a square peg into a round hole and you can't make someone who's content to be single and not tied down want to become legally and financially entangled with another person.

Free yourself.
Molinit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-15-2020, 12:55 AM   #5
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 4,512 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
154 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Should I let it go?

If you have been saying several years it is well time that you decide what you're going to do for your future. Do you live together? Are you guysat an age where having children needs to be done sooner rather than later? No matter what his issue is about talking about the future That isn't important right now. For whatever reason, he is unable or unwilling to make a choice or decision. You do not have to wait for this. It seems like you have already given him several years to do something. I'm unclear as to why you're waiting to get a house. Why would you live with someone who has no future in mind?
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-15-2020, 09:02 AM   #6
Rive.
Poohbah
Rive. has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,030
5 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Should I let it go?

Personally, I don't see the point in being in a relationship where you can't even communicate with your partner.

It seems you view life differently - you want some semblance of foundation and stability whereas he wants to play it in a more careless manner. And he decides which topics are off the table i.e. all those topics close to your heart.

What I see is that this relationship is basically proceeding according to what he wants and you accommodate him. I would not be happy being denied like this as it is not the life you want anyway.

You summed it up pretty well
Quote:
I know I am not where I want to be in life.
Now you need to decide if you will continue to let him string you along like this and waste your life waiting on him, knowing he may not change... until it is too late for you to have the type of life and/or partner you want.

I would move on.
Rive. is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-15-2020, 02:04 PM   #7
Bill3
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,703 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
19.9k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Should I let it go?

He doesn't sound like he is interested in or ready for, or even getting close to being ready for, a truly committed, mature relationship.

It sounds you will need to look elsewhere for that.
Bill3 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-15-2020, 10:09 PM   #8
Motts
Member
 
Motts's Avatar
Motts has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2020
Location: U.S.
Posts: 336
46 hugs
given
Default Re: Should I let it go?

It depends on what your couple-style is.

Gottman's research 5 Kinds of Couples

Do you think you're the hostile-detached style couple, that Gottman outlines on his website?

Dysfunctional Couples Styles
4. Hostile Couples

All of the Four Horsemen are on display with Hostile Couples, But the Attack/Defend Groundhog Day fights are where Hostile Couples get perpetually bogged down.

Hostile Couples spend a great deal of time in criticism and defensiveness, and empathy is clearly in an ongoing short supply. Contempt also shows up, and Hostile Couples interactions have a skip in the record.

They have the same fights over and over with little understanding of just how stuck they are in their own felt sense of being “right.” As someone once said, you can be right, or you can be married.

Hostile Couples, however, defy that axiom, as they tend to modulate their negativity just enough never to let it get completely out of control. Gottman’s research reports that despite their perpetual conflict, Hostile Couples tend to remain together in an unhappy union.

Some hostile couples actually fear intimacy. They squabble as a way to carve out space for themselves. We call these couples intimacy-avoidant. They fight in front of the kids and are married more to their misery than to each other.

5. Hostile-Detached Couples

Hostile-Detached Couples engage in trench warfare, bitterly escalating the level of negativity. Hostile-detached wives are typically inconsolable, as all aspects of trust have been eroded.

They have the same tendency to fight and show the Four Horsemen in each fight, just like Hostile Couples.

But Hostile-Detached couples are very divorce-prone, where Hostile Couples typically are not. So how are they different?

While their husbands seek to withdraw, Hostile-Detached wives will keep fighting until both are entirely escalated and dysregulated, Hostile Couples will regulate their conflict, where the Hostile-Detached will keep fighting until they are exhausted and burned-out. Emotional abuse is a persistent pattern with Hostile-detached couples.
Motts is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-16-2020, 05:04 AM   #9
Bat_Orchid90
Member
 
Bat_Orchid90's Avatar
Bat_Orchid90 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: N/a
Posts: 126
1 yr Member
Default Re: Should I let it go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Motts View Post
It depends on what your couple-style is.

Gottman's research 5 Kinds of Couples

Do you think you're the hostile-detached style couple, that Gottman outlines on his website?

Dysfunctional Couples Styles
4. Hostile Couples

All of the Four Horsemen are on display with Hostile Couples, But the Attack/Defend Groundhog Day fights are where Hostile Couples get perpetually bogged down.

Hostile Couples spend a great deal of time in criticism and defensiveness, and empathy is clearly in an ongoing short supply. Contempt also shows up, and Hostile Couples interactions have a skip in the record.

They have the same fights over and over with little understanding of just how stuck they are in their own felt sense of being “right.” As someone once said, you can be right, or you can be married.

Hostile Couples, however, defy that axiom, as they tend to modulate their negativity just enough never to let it get completely out of control. Gottman’s research reports that despite their perpetual conflict, Hostile Couples tend to remain together in an unhappy union.

Some hostile couples actually fear intimacy. They squabble as a way to carve out space for themselves. We call these couples intimacy-avoidant. They fight in front of the kids and are married more to their misery than to each other.

5. Hostile-Detached Couples

Hostile-Detached Couples engage in trench warfare, bitterly escalating the level of negativity. Hostile-detached wives are typically inconsolable, as all aspects of trust have been eroded.

They have the same tendency to fight and show the Four Horsemen in each fight, just like Hostile Couples.

But Hostile-Detached couples are very divorce-prone, where Hostile Couples typically are not. So how are they different?

While their husbands seek to withdraw, Hostile-Detached wives will keep fighting until both are entirely escalated and dysregulated, Hostile Couples will regulate their conflict, where the Hostile-Detached will keep fighting until they are exhausted and burned-out. Emotional abuse is a persistent pattern with Hostile-detached couples.

No I don’t think we’re either of those at all... we rarely fight. Maybe once a year. It’s not about bitterness, or any of that. We’re not drawn to misery or anything......
Bat_Orchid90 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:06 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.