Massive discard

I’ve been very successful lately. I have a great job opportunity ahead, got myself my dream car, and lost lots of weight.

People around me started putting more pressure on me because of that, throwing around phrases like „you must get yourself a girlfriend now; you have everything, it’s time!”… what they don’t know is that the reason of my successful path is a diagnosis of NPD I received two months ago.

Since so I studied hard and, whether the diagnosis is accurate or not, it helped me understand how my mind works, what holds me back, and what kind of fuel I need. My relationships in the past were very shallow. I never had a long term partner and when it comes to any kind of change in this field, I’d say I am nowhere near ready. My friends’ reactions helped me realize how little they know about me - scratch that. They don’t know me at all. They have no idea what I’m dealing with and I think they see me as a victim with some mysterious problem. I will not put up with it. I think I should discard them all. Cut every single one of them out of my life and put my money on meeting new people whenever I’m ready. Does it sound like a way to go or is it too much? I know I’m ready to do it if it’s necessary, not sure if it is though.

There’s absolutely no reason you should be in a relationship only to please them. It’s not required, even if you were completely mentally healthy etc. If you feel ready later, and actually want to, then that’s fine. But I strongly object to the whole “expectation” that anyone must be in a relationship, for any reason.
As for the other question... what do they bring to your life? It’s up to you if you want to cut ties, depends how much you value them as friends? Would you be happier without all/some of them in your life? You don’t need to answer these, just things to consider!

If they are friends you've known a while and have fun with, perhaps your reaction is a little extreme? If they don't know you are NPD, and since you are NPD, you've basically been putting on a big facade all this time to these people or friends of yours. NPDs are notorious for adopting a social facade that is false. So, really, who is false, except for yourself? Sorry to be so blunt, but isn't that the real truth of the matter? Maybe it's time to get more real with your friends, confide in them (the ones you may trust more) and let them know who you are and how you're now trying to change. Because perhaps you even made yourself out (in your false facade) to be the victim, when in fact you're most likely the perpetrator?

I wouldn't go to such extremes as discarding everyone you're close with --- I would gently and cautiously explore opening up more to maybe just a trusted 1-2 of these friends. And you may be very pleasantly surprised by the results if you do open up.

If it were me, I'd communicate with them how their comments affected me / made me feel and then tell them what I need / don't need from them (all in a civil way). Then if my friends continued to talk this way after I set the boundary, then I'd consider taking action like what you're describing.

Ps: I understand your aggravation w comments like that. I'd likely feel that way too if ppl were pressuring me to do stuff I wasn't ready for yet.

You may be right but I just don't get it. I've never spoken about my relationships because they were either very shallow or, most of the time, they ceased to exist. I’ve been skipping it in conversations while those "NPD's poor friends" were gapping all day long about their achievements in that area. I did not talk about mine because I have an empathy problem and things usually go bad quickly because of it. However, I met some success but again, I’ve chosen not to mention it.

And now when things go very well for me in life, my friends burst out with assumption I have no relationships and start pointing fingers, brimming with useless advices. Does it sound fair to you?

Yeo - sounds fair. I guess more so what I was saying is perhaps give them more of a chance before a total discard? Overhauling friendships isn’t so easy - and maybe if you’re honest about what you need from them may help.

Your "friends" sound very "fair weather" to me. Genuine friends accept us for 100% who we are, and they know they are not entitled to tell us how to live our lives.

If you have to cut out some of your "fair weather friends" then you can either cut them off could turkey, or do the slow fade and just not respond as regularly to their communication as you normally would.

And please reframe your "I have an empathy problem" statement. Why is being empathetic a problem? It is not a problem. That's who you are. If people take advantage of your good nature, they are not good people. Obviously. Learn to be more self-protective if you can. Just learn to say "no" more.

Congrats on your career success and I hope that continues to grow for you. As far as improving your social life goes; just change who you hang out with. Change HOW you disclose or share information to these people (be more selective with what you share and with whom you share it to).

I go in waves with my social life. Sometimes I have loads of people to hang out with. Then I go through a dry spell for a few years where I can't stand to be around people and am nomadic and do my own thing. I love being alone. I'm not afraid to be alone. Sometimes I feel lonely, but the older I get, the less I feel the desire to "fake it" socially. Now, my go-to phrase with people is, "take me as I am, or f--- off." Said more eloquently and not as confrontationally, of course. But, that's my general attitude these days. I don't suffer fools as much as I used to.

My advice to you: be yourself. Develop a thicker skin. Stop letting people take advantage of your good nature. And do not change yourself for anyone. Let the "fair weather friends" go. The world is overpopulated, so there are always new opportunities to regrow your social circle with people who genuinely support and respect you for who you are. Just my opinionated two cents.

Thanks for your input, guys. I appreciate your advices. After much consideration I came to the conclusion that if they knew me and my struggle they’d never come up with those demands. Many mistakes have been made. Some of them were mine, I wasn’t honest with those people. Some were theirs as they did not try to get to really know me, I think. There is no real friendship here, so I’m gonna get rid of them and learn from it, hoping for the better future.

Why do you take so much pride in being diagnosed with NPD?

It's really kind of disturbing. It's not a good thing at all, it impairs your ability to relate to others (or is this your ultimate goal in life, no relationships).

I wouldn't burn bridges over some innocent comments.

Are you continuing with the professional who diagnosed you? It's great that you are coming to understand yourself so that you can be professionally successful. If you want deeper friendships, it seems to me you need to continue to work with a therapist to understand your needs in a relationship, your tendency to keep things superficial, and how, with your unique situation (NPD diagnosis) you can grow healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Are you familiar with the phrase narcissistic discard? I would be concerned about this idea of discarding friends, for you in particular, because it is a symptom of the disorder. I really think the best thing would be to explore this with a professional who knows your unique situation. Someone without NPD, I would say that these people sound like acquaintances and not friends. But due to your diagnosis and the implications, I cannot urge you enough to discuss this with your therapist or psychiatrist.

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Originally Posted by Molinit Why do you take so much pride in being diagnosed with NPD? It's really kind of disturbing. It's not a good thing at all, it impairs your ability to relate to others (or is this your ultimate goal in life, no relationships).

I dont know if this is quite fair. I do not know the OP so maybe you have more info than I do (and in that case my apologies) but It almost sounds like you are saying the OP should be ashamed about the NPD dx?

Before the diagnosis I was extremely self-destructive, I was not able to appreciate any success of mine unless others approved it. And most of people, especially other males, embraced those doubts of mine for entertainment or, I don’t know, boosting their own self-esteem?

Once I noticed multiple behavioral patterns of a book example of a covert NPD I finally got some control over myself. The unfortunate fact is that I can’t change the past, you know, being a drop-out with little social skills and anxiety due to hypersensitivity to criticisms, so right now the only way I see it is to discard anyone who would point fingers at me and start something new with people who don’t know me. The good side of being a narc is that once you draw a thought in your mind picturing someone is thinking less of you because of your weakness, you can discard that person in the blink of an eye with no regrets. When it comes to new people obviously the priority would be not to manipulate, lie, and wear a mask as I used to. I failed to do that for the moment.

Yes, I do it all the time.

That's more complex than it seems, I think. I know almost everything about those people, I participated in the biggest events of their life. I've been asked for advices dozens of time, in most cases as that "trusted friend" of theirs. I think I am a good friend for them untill they cross me. But they don't know anything about me, really. That's how good I am at manipulation. I'm starting to notice that it is nothing to be proud of as they say things I don't like and... you know the rest. Forgive me for being so blunt but I want to be honest.

To the person who said I was being unfair - I bolded what is disturbing about the situation. The relationships are one-way - the other person is giving information, true friendship, etc. and the OP is only offering the bare minimum of true friendship and at the moment something displeases him, he withdraws from the relationship.

There are no narcissistic traits that assist you in having healthy relationships. While I don't believe narcissism is "curable" I do think that intense therapy to minimize the damage you do to others is necessary before you can have a rewarding relationship with someone. You first have to learn how to care for other people and WANT to care before you can stop damaging others. I don't think you can even see what your PD does to anyone else at this time.

It seems the relationships are very transactional on the part of the narcissist. Very superficial and only for some sort of gain (attention or something else).

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Originally Posted by Molinit To the person who said I was being unfair - I bolded what is disturbing about the situation. The relationships are one-way - the other person is giving information, true friendship, etc. and the OP is only offering the bare minimum of true friendship and at the moment something displeases him, he withdraws from the relationship. There are no narcissistic traits that assist you in having healthy relationships. While I don't believe narcissism is "curable" I do think that intense therapy to minimize the damage you do to others is necessary before you can have a rewarding relationship with someone. You first have to learn how to care for other people and WANT to care before you can stop damaging others. I don't think you can even see what your PD does to anyone else at this time. It seems the relationships are very transactional on the part of the narcissist. Very superficial and only for some sort of gain (attention or something else).

I hear you and meant no offense. I don’t know the op or their situation.

FYI a "covert" narcissist used to be called a "malignant" narcissist, did you know that? What positive do you see in the word malignant?

So you went from self-destruction to cultivating the traits of a narcissist. Two extremes. Still unhealthy. Perhaps one day your goal will be to dampen the narcissism down to a level where you can have a fulfilling two-way relationship. Will take therapy and lots of work.

I’d not make a big deal of people making silly comments. Just tell them you’ll get in a relationship when time is right as right now you are busy with other stuff. I don’t think it’s NPD issue as much as in general people like to give others unsolicited advice. We can all relate to that. I don’t think it’s a big deal or really that complicated or tragic. Just tell them you are too busy or aren’t ready or are considering it or just tell them to mind their business.

I am not sure why you think it’s a positive thing disregarding people over mundane comments and with no regrets to boot. I’d not look at it as a good thing. I hope you keep working with your therapist.

Hold up. How did I hurt that guy? I was there for him. I kept his secrets. I listened to him and gave advices that usually worked. Now he hit me with no empathy (how are your relationships instead of you should get a gf?) and as I got anxious, he f**king smiles.

In return he gets discarded. I know it's extereme but I have no mercy for people who rubs that surface of my life because I've been though a lot. I protect my old wounds. I'm not gonna go after him. I'll just push him out of my life, no contact, that's all. The only brutal thing is maybe not giving him any chance to explain but that's just me. No second chances when it's that big.

Well now you are giving us a little more context. It sounds like, with this man in particular, he was taking pleasure in you not having a GF right now. I can understand wanting to distance from someone who, rather than celebrate the good things, points out what THEY think it lacking. It does sound to me like you're working on health relationships because you said you weren't trying to have a gf right now for those reasons of not wanting to hurt others (or at least that's what I interpreted).

Again, I really urge you to talk to your therapist, who will know all the details. I think it's fair to decide whether or not someone brings joy into your life as a friend or if they are tearing you down.

NPD dx aside, we have all walked away from friendships that were tearing us down before. I think, for me, I'm just saying that make sure it's because of that and not a manipulation tactic. It doesn't sound like that from what you've shared.