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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 08:02 PM
  #1
I moved to a new apt about 2 weeks ago.

My neighbor downstairs in very nice, but he's a guy and I think he might like me and I do not feel the same way. I have taken a liking to him as a person. But that's it. We've had some nice chats. He's younger than me by like 7 years or so.

I feel that I am struggling to be assertive since I moved. Its been a stressful experience learning how things work around here, and some things my landlord wasn't upfront about. There are some maintenance issues too. This was my second move in 6 weeks. I'm staying put. Its not bad and my landlords been a combo of nice and not. But mostly nice. I'm just struggling to be assertive with them too.

Back to my neighbor. A week ago we were talking and he confided in me he left his job. He was feeling crappy about it. I was on my way out the door when we were talking so after listening I said I had to go but that "my door" (metaphorically speaking) was open if he needed to talk. He seemed to take it literally and I was too shy to correct him and taken off guard. I wished I had not said that. But I felt so awkward saying "I have to go, I'm on my way out." And kind if guilty. And wasn't sure what else to say. I know it was a mistake.

I also get a weird feeling from him. He is a nice person but from the day I met him I noticed he looks me up and down. Tonight, about 8:30, he knocked on my door. I didn't answer right away. I was in my,pj's and had a low cut shirt on. Definitely not expecting company. I also had to put my mask on bc I don't want him or anyone besides my parents in my covid bubble. I talked to him thru the door first and he said I had some mail. It turned out to be from census, and for his apt, which I told him but he insisted it was for my apt. Ok whatever. I also got that weird feeling from him again so I thanked him, said have a good night, and shut my door. Also he doesn't typically wear a mask around me...

I'm not sure what to do. Or maybe I am. I know I messed up saying "my door is open if you need to talk." I changed my mind. People can change their minds. He seems like a nice guy and I like him as a person. But should I maybe not answer my door if he does that again? Should I not be as friendly? I dunno. I think I should be myself. But I don't have to open my door. Though he does not seem like a threat. But yeah.
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 08:43 PM
  #2
I agree that you don't have to answer your door. If I were you, I wouldn't. I never answer my door unless I am expecting someone. Especially at 8:30 at night.

I guess he was trying to be nice but you don't have to accept "nice" just because someone is offering it.

With regard to saying that your door is open: Well, you can undo what you said. Not by taking it back literally, but by not being available to him in the future. If you just are consistently not available then he will come to conclude that you were being polite, you have less time than you thought, he always catches you at a bad time, etc. It is okay to say "I have to get going!"
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 08:51 PM
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I agree that you don't have to answer your door. If I were you, I wouldn't. I never answer my door unless I am expecting someone. Especially at 8:30 at night.

I guess he was trying to be nice but you don't have to accept "nice" just because someone is offering it.

With regard to saying that your door is open: Well, you can undo what you said. Not by taking it back literally, but by not being available to him in the future. If you just are consistently not available then he will come to conclude that you were being polite, you have less time than you thought, he always catches you at a bad time, etc. It is okay to say "I have to get going!"
Thank you.
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 09:04 PM
  #4
I’d not open the door. You don’t know him so it’s not safe. I think you could either avoid him entirely or talk to him but not letting him inside.

We have a neighbor who for the longest time tried to get inside out place and followed us around. It was because I listened to her woes once. I had to stop acknowledging her at all for her to leave me alone. She still periodically bugs my husband, she is convinced he is a doctor even though he explained to her that he is RN, she said in her mind is the same thing. Lol She still stops him and says “doctor could i ask you for medical advice”. We try to avoid her

I usually avoid neighbors. I had some very bad experiences with neighbors. And I never let anyone inside unless I invited people ahead of time like family or close friends
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Default Sep 18, 2020 at 09:20 PM
  #5
Thanks divine, and Bill.

Divine, I'm sorry you had those experiences.

And, yeah its true I dont know him. I think he may have been drinking, not sure. And I got a weird sexual vibe like he might be turned on. It just felt weird. I didn't let him in. I did open door though.

Bill, yeah I think I will continue being nice in the hallway, and not answer the door or open the door for him if he knocks again. I agree that consistency is key. Every time.

And yeah, I know, its not like I'm a counselor and am there in the hallway to listen to ppl's problems. Though I kind of like to, I'm not getting paid. Lol. Thank you for the reassurance that its ok to say "I have to get going." Logically, I know this. I mean, its the advice I'd give someone else. I'm not sure why its so hard to know it deep down. But it is. Something to perhaps explore in therapy, be kind to myself about, and work on (for lack of better words right now).
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 04:04 AM
  #6
You are being presented with a golden opportunity to learn to alter your style of interacting. You can grow through this, so that you establish a more appropriate distance between this guy and yourself and, also, raise your level of competency in how you'll handle interactions, going forward, with whomever you meet.

You tend to feel other people's pain. You take s lot of responsibility for trying to prevent whomever you're with from experiencing pain or, even, mild discomfort emotionally. You tske too much responsibility. To stop doing that you're going to have to be willing to stp rescuing others from the consequences of their own social ineptness and disregard for proper boundaries. At first, doing this is going to make you feel ruthless and unkind. You'll have to tolerate that, as you build this skill. Stick with it, and you'll learn how to convey as much warmth as you wish, while, at the same time, blocking others from intruding into your space and your time beyond where they're welcome.

Your apt is your domain. You are the queen of that space. Make it a policy that you do not welcome visitors showing up without calling first. So, if someone just shows up at your door, always say, "I'm afraid I'm in the midst of something, and I can't have a visitor right now." Letting a guy like your neighbor in is problematic because it may be hard to control how long he stays. Better to chat with him outside, so you can conclude the chat and withdraw from him when you like.

After just a few weeks, you don't really know how nice of a guy your neighbor is. He may seem inoffensive in his manner, but that doesn't mean he's nice. You believe in giving people "the benefit of the doubt." Unless, and until, a person acts badly around you, you go on the presumption that they're probably decent. That's dangerous. There are loads of twisted, creepy people out there. Until someone demonstates their goodwill and integrity over an extensive interval of time, you don't know what they're made of. Be pleasant and courteous to most everyone, but allow for the possibility that anyone you know little about may have a past darker than you could imagine. Him looking you up and down is weird. I've never known any normal guy who does that. This neighbor of yours sounds lonely. He may be alone because people who get to know him a bit don't stick around long.

Whatever you do, don't accept an invitation to catch a movie with him or to do anything of a date-like nature. If you do, he'll glom on and be a worse nuisance. 8:30 pm is late to be knocking on someone's door to give them mail. The mail thing sounds contrived to me. Do not open your door at that hour to anyone you were not expecting. He could have left s note on your door about that.

He's testing your boundaries. Firm them up. When he pushes past where he should make up any old excuse to deflect him. Don't worry if he believes you or not. Giving him a flimsy excuse can be an effective way of letting him know that you need him back away from your space. Good luck.
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 05:03 AM
  #7
If I find my neighbors mail I put it by their door (unless I know them very well in friend capacity). He doesn’t know you yet he knocks on a door that late to give you mail hhhm In addition mail wasn’t even addressed to you so clearly he used that as an excuse to get you to open the door. It’s creepy.

Not saying you can’t make friends with neighbors but you just moved in and it would take time to actually get to know them enough.

As I thought more about it I am kind of concerned about him knocking on your door and then making up bogus story to force you to actually open the door. Was he intoxicated?? It could remove all his inhibitions (that neighbor I was talking about has serious drinking problem too, but she isn’t a danger, but you don’t know about this guy plus you live alone)

Make sure your door has a very good lock
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 07:45 AM
  #8
Yes, as I said I thought he might have been drinking. He actually had a can if something in his hand when I opened the door but I froze and couldn't get myself to look at it. I figured it was booze though.

Yes, I thought that too, that he used it (the mail not even addressed to me) as an excuse to talk to me. I did not think "oh, he must be trying to be nice." Again, I didn't let him in.

Rose76, great post and great advice. I take it to heart.

Yeah my landlord has said before "he's so nice, you won't have any trouble with him." So I was going off what they said too. Whatever. I'm not completely pleased with my landlord at this time (due to other things).

And yes 8:30 at night, way too late. Wtf. I thought maybe there was an emergency. Also he knocked and I ignored it. Then he called my name through the door. I was in a different room. Thought maybe something bad in the apt happened.
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 07:48 AM
  #9
Rose, I agree that setting boundaries and being assertive with some things makes me feel ruthless and mean. Especially with **** I'm not expecting. I love the idea of looking at this as a golden opportunity. Thanks
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 09:32 AM
  #10
Well, you can correct what you stated earlier about come anytime and my door is always open with him. When you see him you can tell him that given he has a reputation of being a nice guy and you value that, that you want him to know that you did not literally mean what you said to him. You can let him know that what you actually prefer is privacy and given he is a nice person you feel he will respect that. You can tell him that you are actually more of a private person and did not want to give him the wrong impression of yourself.
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 10:16 AM
  #11
I can relate feeling mean when i try to avoid people. I kind of feel guilty when I do that but you just got to do what you got to do for your own safety and peace of mind. There are also polite ways to send a message. Say hello and if the conversation starts being excessive, excuse yourself, any fake excuse would work. If you do it every time, person gets the message. And just because you are home, it doesn’t mean you are available for talking. It’s not being mean. It’s just the reality. Good luck
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 11:51 AM
  #12
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I agree that you don't have to answer your door. If I were you, I wouldn't. I never answer my door unless I am expecting someone. Especially at 8:30 at night.

I guess he was trying to be nice but you don't have to accept "nice" just because someone is offering it.

With regard to saying that your door is open: Well, you can undo what you said. Not by taking it back literally, but by not being available to him in the future. If you just are consistently not available then he will come to conclude that you were being polite, you have less time than you thought, he always catches you at a bad time, etc. It is okay to say "I have to get going!"
Good post. I struggle with this sort of thing too.


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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 12:38 PM
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I echo what others said particularly @Rose76 that is excellent advice and much for what she said I can relate to.

You are nice! Yes it's possible to be too nice sometimes. Hope you are feeling better about boundaries after this advice.
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 12:45 PM
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I echo what others said particularly @Rose76 that is excellent advice and much for what she said I can relate to.

You are nice! Yes it's possible to be too nice sometimes. Hope you are feeling better about boundaries after this advice.
Thanks Disco. Yes I am feeling better.

For everyone: I also want to just say that just because I struggled with boundaries in this instance, and sometimes struggle to be assertive, doesn't mean I'm not very aware of what assertiveness is, and I do communicate that way too. Thank you all for the wisdom. I don't feel that I need anymore lessons atm. Thanks! Maybe will post an update of how things go later.
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 01:04 PM
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With regard to saying that your door is open: Well, you can undo what you said. Not by taking it back literally, but by not being available to him in the future. If you just are consistently not available then he will come to conclude that you were being polite, you have less time than you thought, he always catches you at a bad time, etc. It is okay to say "I have to get going!"
That assumes he's a well adjusted person. If he just got fired he's probably already pretty upset. I really have no idea how to undo saying something like that unless the OP has a friend who can get the guy another job.

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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 03:05 PM
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That assumes he's a well adjusted person. If he just got fired he's probably already pretty upset. I really have no idea how to undo saying something like that unless the OP has a friend who can get the guy another job.
Yeah, thats really not the OP's responsibility.

Put the police on speed dial in case he tries to push his way in. Youd be surprised how easy it is to misdial 911 when youre stressed.
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 03:33 PM
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That assumes he's a well adjusted person. If he just got fired he's probably already pretty upset. I really have no idea how to undo saying something like that unless the OP has a friend who can get the guy another job.
I think Bill gave good advice and I appreciated it, as the OP. Its easy to undue: I'm not under social contract just bc of something I flubbed up in conversation. Its OK to change my mind, too. I will not open the door for this dude.

Last edited by WovenGalaxy; Sep 19, 2020 at 03:54 PM..
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Default Sep 19, 2020 at 07:34 PM
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I think Bill gave good advice and I appreciated it, as the OP. Its easy to undue: I'm not under social contract just bc of something I flubbed up in conversation. Its OK to change my mind, too. I will not open the door for this dude.
Now that's healthy thinking!

Like Bill says, I wouldn't go issuing a
formal retraction, like a newspaper publishing a "correction." That's holding yourself to an overly stringent degree of accountability. Under the stress of the moment, we humans will inevitably splutter out things that we realize later, in a moment of calm reflection, weren't what we really want to be bound by and committed to. Life requires that we be more flexible than that. It's a good goal to avoid misleading others. However, all adults of normal intelligence understand that comments made spontaneously out of goodwill, prior to giving a matter thorough consideration, are not vows chiseled in stone. That is, more or less, part of "the social contract." Were it not, we'ld all be scared to open our mouths, without first consulting an attorney. If this dude doesn't allow for that reality, then it's time he grew up.

You don't need to do a bunch of verbal back-pedaling, next time you see him, appealing to his better nature and imploring him to understand. That's going way too far into defensiveness. It conveys weakness. It encourages him to see you as under more obligation to him than you are . . . and he's likely to want to exploit that.

In a situation like this, if someone is so uncouth and boorish, as to say, "But, but - you said . . . you said, etc." Then a permissable response is to say, "I'm afraid I misspoke." Don't over-embellish it. Smile, wish him a good day and move on.

I think you'll do fine.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 10:51 AM
  #19
Update: He has not come up to my apartment again so far. He does try to be friendly with me in the hallway when he sees me out there. I am pretty disgusted by this person now and I am short and brief. When he says "how are you?" I say good and my tone shows I don't want to talk or engage. He leaves me alone, but it's clear that he still wants to engage. I do not want this anymore. But I do feel guilty. I feel like a really big jerk. I do feel ruthless, because I had been so nice and friendly with him before. I feel like I've done a 180. But I'm not going to change. I'm pretty disgusted with the fact that he's looked me up and down on multiple (every) occasion when I had been friendly with him. I hope it's ok that I have changed my tone / tune. Is it ok? I can't help that I feel disgusted.


The other thing I noticed, is that I sort of let my feelings of disgust and annoyance and anger towards this individual "ruin" parts of my day, after having to briefly interact. This is something I'd like to work on: self care, and cultivating positive feelings, letting it go - while also continuing to be short and brief (and unfriendly). I will check my DBT folder for some help.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 11:00 AM
  #20
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I hope it's ok that I have changed my tone / tune. Is it ok?
It is definitely okay!
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