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sarahsweets
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 05:58 AM
  #1
I won't tell her I am disappointed of course because I know she struggles enough already.
I don't know how much any of you know about her back story but in short-

When she turned 18 as a senior she ran away. It was devastating and she was staying with this girl and her mom partying. At one point she broke into the house because we changed the lock codes because we knew she was on some sort of substance. She came home, went to rehab and was in sober living. Barely graduated. She slowly started to repair the damage. She got together with a boyfriend, left sober living. She told us she was pregnant, lost the baby. She got pregnant again. Now I have a grandson. I love him to death but she deliberately made these choices. Over the last two years she has had so many jobs that she has lost that I cant keep count. Thank god they live five minutes away.

Our local pharmacy was hiring and I sent her the info. She got the job and even bargained for higher pay. She has had issues with her birth control implant like throwing up, etc. She is due to get it removed on the 28th and has started something else. She had a small fever at one of her obgyn visits and the pharmacy set her up with a covid test as protocol so she wasnt working while waiting for the results. I knew she didnt have covid.
Her results were negative. She told me she was still throwing up all the time and wanted to go to the ER. So her manager told her to go on Sunday. I went with her. They did some tests and gave her some IV meds and said she should follow up with a GI doc.
Made sense to me.

All this time in my gut I knew she was just hoping for a reason not to work. This goes beyond not wanting to leave her child. She has always taken jobs and left, quit or been fired.

This is a local family business and they were willing to work with her. I was watching the baby so she had childcare and it was only part time. The two of them are always broke so they needed this money.

She called out yesterday even though the hospital only gave her a note for Sunday night.
I called her and asked her what she was planning on doing and she hemmed and hawed about things. I told her it sounded like she had already come to a decision about working,

I told her that she shouldnt jerk them around and she should let them know if she wouldnt be able to work. That it was time to put on her big girl pants and own her decision even if it was uncomfortable.
She is looking for a reason to be ill, I dont understand it.

I feel like maybe I set a bad example for her by not working most of her life. I am on disability and once I had my third child who is 17 now I couldnt afford child care anyway. I am trying to get back into the workforce.

I really thought she would manage this time. She didnt have to worry about who was watching the baby, We loaned her money and helped her get a car. The boyfriend is working, (he left wayfair and made his pt job of selling cars his ft job which i think is a bad idea but oh well)

I love her and I do not understand why she so easily screws people over. This job was perfect. Perfect hours and 2 minutes from both of our houses. I know it isnt my life but it is my grandson's life. If this boyfriend loses his job they will have nothing. They are always barely making it.

I am just venting really. I feel like we are always waiting for a catastrophe with her. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are good its like i worry because it never lasts. I know there is nothing I can do. I know she has to live with her choices, but there is a baby involved now. Now its not so much about tough love because of my grandson.

When she ran away and put us through all that nonsense we went to family therapy. I had to grieve like she died. She has tried to earn our trust again but its like she does good and takes steps backwards- then forwards a little- then backwards again. I hate feeling this way about her but I cant help it. She is in therapy but I wonder what she is working on. She is clean but doesnt act sober. Those of you in recovery will know what I mean. I just texted the family therapist and asked for a session because I have two other kids and a husband who deserve my time too. Thanks for listening everyone.

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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 09:07 AM
  #2
There's a principle in Al-Anon that states that "You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Change it." I think that goes for situations like this. As a parent you can want everything in the world for your child and try to guide them along the way, but ultimately a person has to own their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. No matter how much we want to help them grow and be responsible, sometimes consequences are the best teachers.

I would try to encourage you to be compassionate and not blame yourself for not working. You didn't "set an example" or guide her down the path of not working. You did model for her how important it is to meet yourself where you're at and focus on yourself and your recovery. If anything that's the important lesson. Plus, there's probably some mind reading going on where you assumed that the lesson she learned was that it was not okay to work, when she may have interpreted things differently for herself.

Bottom line, you didn't cause her issues and you also can't fix them for her. You can take care of yourself and love from a distance. She will grow on her own schedule, and you will still love and support her the best you can. Sending good thoughts your way.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 09:21 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by quietlylost View Post
There's a principle in Al-Anon that states that "You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Change it." I think that goes for situations like this. As a parent you can want everything in the world for your child and try to guide them along the way, but ultimately a person has to own their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. No matter how much we want to help them grow and be responsible, sometimes consequences are the best teachers.

I would try to encourage you to be compassionate and not blame yourself for not working. You didn't "set an example" or guide her down the path of not working. You did model for her how important it is to meet yourself where you're at and focus on yourself and your recovery. If anything that's the important lesson. Plus, there's probably some mind reading going on where you assumed that the lesson she learned was that it was not okay to work, when she may have interpreted things differently for herself.

Bottom line, you didn't cause her issues and you also can't fix them for her. You can take care of yourself and love from a distance. She will grow on her own schedule, and you will still love and support her the best you can. Sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you so much @quietlylost that was lovely and supportive and brightened my day.

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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 09:58 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by quietlylost View Post
There's a principle in Al-Anon that states that "You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Change it." I think that goes for situations like this. As a parent you can want everything in the world for your child and try to guide them along the way, but ultimately a person has to own their decisions and the consequences of those decisions. No matter how much we want to help them grow and be responsible, sometimes consequences are the best teachers.

I would try to encourage you to be compassionate and not blame yourself for not working. You didn't "set an example" or guide her down the path of not working. You did model for her how important it is to meet yourself where you're at and focus on yourself and your recovery. If anything that's the important lesson. Plus, there's probably some mind reading going on where you assumed that the lesson she learned was that it was not okay to work, when she may have interpreted things differently for herself.

Bottom line, you didn't cause her issues and you also can't fix them for her. You can take care of yourself and love from a distance. She will grow on her own schedule, and you will still love and support her the best you can. Sending good thoughts your way.


Yep, all of the above!!!


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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 12:13 PM
  #5
I agree with all quietlylost has said, too. All you can really do here is be supportive to your daughter, and kind to yourself. I hope things work out right in the end!
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 01:04 PM
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 01:25 PM
  #7
@sarahsweets, does your daughter have ADHD like you? It's definitely inherited. Also, what I have learned from listening to my husband talk about others that are in the program (many of them struggle with ADHD) is how they tend to sabatoge when things are going good for them. I hear his anger "man, he was doing so well, making good money and yet he screwed himself AGAIN!".

Maybe that is a deep fear of your daughter's in that when she is doing well, SOMETHING, will end up ruining it and without realizing it she "runs/flight" from whatever it is as an escape and form of control. Often this is a subconscious issue where the individual isn't consciously aware of "why" they run from certain things. When a job is lost it brings a sense of relief in the person instead of a bad feeling. This kind of challenge is very hard for a person to articulate. Often with ADHD there is a lot of "performance anxiety". I see this all the time in my husband who struggles with both ADHD and dyslexia which often present together. It's not a lack of intelligence either, instead it's more of being over stimulated and needing to keep busy in a certain way that is different than others who don't have the challenge.

I have someone that I have help me once in a while when I get overwhelmed and behind on my farm work. He has ADHD bad and I have to be here to keep him to task as he can get distracted and he isn't always dependable in terms of actually showing up to work either. (he is also a recovering alcoholic in his early 20's). Yet, he also has a pattern of getting a good job and messing it up which is frustrating to anyone that tries to help him. Typically, they prefer to work at their own pace in their own way. I have had to learn a lot about it as I have been married to a man that has this challenge going on 40 years now. Actually, my husband's father also has ADHD and my husband can get so impatient with his father even though they both have the same challenge. I can't even sit and watch an entire movie without my husband interrupting it in some way.

Perhaps your daughter needs to have therapy for this challenge and find something she can do that is more agreeable to how her mind operates. It's not a lack of intelligence, but more of a busy mind that gets bored quickly and is already multi tasking.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 04:30 PM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I won't tell her I am disappointed of course because I know she struggles enough already.
I don't know how much any of you know about her back story but in short-

When she turned 18 as a senior she ran away. It was devastating and she was staying with this girl and her mom partying. At one point she broke into the house because we changed the lock codes because we knew she was on some sort of substance. She came home, went to rehab and was in sober living. Barely graduated. She slowly started to repair the damage. She got together with a boyfriend, left sober living. She told us she was pregnant, lost the baby. She got pregnant again. Now I have a grandson. I love him to death but she deliberately made these choices. Over the last two years she has had so many jobs that she has lost that I cant keep count. Thank god they live five minutes away.

Our local pharmacy was hiring and I sent her the info. She got the job and even bargained for higher pay. She has had issues with her birth control implant like throwing up, etc. She is due to get it removed on the 28th and has started something else. She had a small fever at one of her obgyn visits and the pharmacy set her up with a covid test as protocol so she wasnt working while waiting for the results. I knew she didnt have covid.
Her results were negative. She told me she was still throwing up all the time and wanted to go to the ER. So her manager told her to go on Sunday. I went with her. They did some tests and gave her some IV meds and said she should follow up with a GI doc.
Made sense to me.

All this time in my gut I knew she was just hoping for a reason not to work. This goes beyond not wanting to leave her child. She has always taken jobs and left, quit or been fired.

This is a local family business and they were willing to work with her. I was watching the baby so she had childcare and it was only part time. The two of them are always broke so they needed this money.

She called out yesterday even though the hospital only gave her a note for Sunday night.
I called her and asked her what she was planning on doing and she hemmed and hawed about things. I told her it sounded like she had already come to a decision about working,

I told her that she shouldnt jerk them around and she should let them know if she wouldnt be able to work. That it was time to put on her big girl pants and own her decision even if it was uncomfortable.
She is looking for a reason to be ill, I dont understand it.

I feel like maybe I set a bad example for her by not working most of her life. I am on disability and once I had my third child who is 17 now I couldnt afford child care anyway. I am trying to get back into the workforce.

I really thought she would manage this time. She didnt have to worry about who was watching the baby, We loaned her money and helped her get a car. The boyfriend is working, (he left wayfair and made his pt job of selling cars his ft job which i think is a bad idea but oh well)

I love her and I do not understand why she so easily screws people over. This job was perfect. Perfect hours and 2 minutes from both of our houses. I know it isnt my life but it is my grandson's life. If this boyfriend loses his job they will have nothing. They are always barely making it.

I am just venting really. I feel like we are always waiting for a catastrophe with her. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are good its like i worry because it never lasts. I know there is nothing I can do. I know she has to live with her choices, but there is a baby involved now. Now its not so much about tough love because of my grandson.

When she ran away and put us through all that nonsense we went to family therapy. I had to grieve like she died. She has tried to earn our trust again but its like she does good and takes steps backwards- then forwards a little- then backwards again. I hate feeling this way about her but I cant help it. She is in therapy but I wonder what she is working on. She is clean but doesnt act sober. Those of you in recovery will know what I mean. I just texted the family therapist and asked for a session because I have two other kids and a husband who deserve my time too. Thanks for listening everyone.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. I understand how you feel.
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Default Nov 14, 2020 at 12:43 PM
  #9
You need to love and support your daughter. She needs your love this is why she is doing everything she has done. You have to be supportive, at the same time not take things lying down.
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