Mother been manipulating for years, only starting to realise

Hi guys

Im 37 now and was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago after it taking over my life when I was 17.

Since CBT therapy, two years ago, I have become much better, and also started to see things a lot more clearly. One thing that has become very clear, is how much my mother has had an effect on my whole life, probably best to list what stands out:

when I was young, teachers and doctors suggested I may be autistic or have add, she decided to ignore their advice.

My mother encouraged me to lie to people about our wealth and successes, then when found out, would not admit she had told me to say those things.

I grew up thinking Im Italian because she lied to my father about it. Again, seems small, but then you factor in she cut off her real mother for 15 years to continue this lie is not normal.

When the OCD kicked in, my mother never tried to help, in fact there were situations she seemed to deliberately make me more uncomfortable. If I couldn't cope socially, she would chastise me for embarrassing her.

Remember vivid feelings of shame and guilt and being blamed for things that weren't my fault.

If things ever go slightly off plan, its almost like the sky is about to collapse, and it always come back to the hinting that I/my stepdad could've done more to prevent it.

This week I found out, that over the last fortnight she has been stealing my stepdads medication to mess with him. He thinks Im stealing it, I get upset, he's accusing me and we will eventually argue. I know this sounds weird, but its not the first time something like this has happened, in fact its probably the millionth.

Yesterday, she offered me a lift to the supermarket, all the way *****ing about my stepdad not being good enough. Then today, she offers him a lift to the supermarket, and I know all the way she was *****ing about me. Whether or not she believes what she's saying, its constant playing one off the other, why?

She thieves off friends by renting their apt out when they are away and not telling them, and takes money from family by playing the damsel in distress card.
Anyone ever needs help, she finds a way to turn it around as if she has to carry someones burden, and that justifies her doing nothing. But when it comes to her, everything must be done her way.

Sorry about this, I know Im just going off on one, but the hardest part is, she now has cancer so I can only imagine what's going on in her head, and I feel sorry for her normally.

Tbh there is so much more e.g sending my father to an early grave by putting too much pressure on him and just guilt tripping him about being an alcoholic (which I think she caused). Also, leaving me homeless at 17 cos she wanted to move abroad, asking me for help when she was abroad, me moving abroad to help her, helping her then her kicking me out of a house within two weeks of my stepdad being on the scene. Oh and the insurance scam on her 25 years of marriage memorabilia to my dad and all my childhood stuff that didn't work out, which lost everything.

Anyway, if anyone can point me in the right direction of what these are symptoms of, it may help

Thanks guys

Hello GrowingUpAtLast: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

At the end of your post you asked if anyone could point you in the right direction regarding "what these are symptoms of". I presume by this you meant the behaviors your mother displays. I'm not a mental health professional. Plus we here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. However, I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be narcissism. But, of course, this is simply a lay-person's take on what you wrote. However here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of the narcissistic mother plus a link to a blog on the knotted mother / daughter relationship which will have some relevant articles within it:

The Narcissistic Mother: One of the Most Frightening of All Personalities

Narcissistic Mothers

5 (Subtle) Signs Your Mother Is a Covert Narcissist

Behind the Mask: What the 'Good Daughter' of the Narcissistic Mother Would Tell You if She Could

Narcissistic Mothers: The Long-Term Effects on Their Daughters

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/knotted/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Thank you for the links and reading my lengthy post

I recognise a lot of these traits, but the obsession of what people will think of her is extremely prominent. Also I think she has raised me to always look for her approval to an extreme level. It’s affected so much of me and I want rid of this approval feeling I always seek from her, as quite honestly what gets her approval makes me unhappy.

Really doing my head in at the moment, as I now notice so much. Long way to go but at least it’s now starting

Good post

I just want rid of this approval seeking I’ve been brainwashed into needing. The scolding sends the most horrible sinking feeling, I just want to be myself.

Should I just do it in secret and lie to her to keep off my back? I know deep down she is a good person, but just so bitter and insecure

When around negative individuals like a narcissistic mother who likes to create drama and dish out negatives can lead to this feeling of dread you are describing. This is when you have to learn to create your own psychological boundaries where you make a conscious decision to not buy into any negativity. Also, when it comes to your mother and she starts complaining to you like in the car, your response to her is not to talk to you when she decides to sprew negativity about someone else.

Your needing approval means you are spending too much time around negative critical individuals. It's like trudging in a desert and needing a drink of water badly. And you can never get your thirst quenched with a negative person, they are dry and have no idea how to give anything, they are simply takers.

Are you still living with her or near her? Distance could help a lot. I had a similar experience of not recognizing how damaging my mother was until I was an adult. Breaking away from the approval seeking is hard but so worth it in the end.

I had to do this myself. My mother wasn't as difficult to deal with as it sounds like your mother is, however, if you get some physical distance it can force her to find someone else to focus on and allow you to focus on yourself. I know it sounds selfish, the whole "she can be someone else's problem" aspect but you have to look after you first.

I think you need to love your mother, she is your mother, you should also talk to her about your concerns when she steps out of line.