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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 06:31 PM
  #1
I went to a dinner tonight thanking people, including me, for their volunteer service at an organization. It was about helping at a specific event they'd had.


I don't feel like I do much for the org. I stuff envelopes and do really simple stuff a monkey could do, because I don't want to answer phones. But I like it there, and I want to use them as a reference for job stuff.


They only have a few staff, but they put together this nice dinner for us at a hotel restaurant. I felt very out of my element there. I never go to bars or restaurants like that for things like this, or for anything.


When I first got there, a woman who works for the org, who I don't know very well, approached me and was like "thank you so much for all your help!" I stuffed bags. I really felt like I did not contribute in a significant way. But I said your welcome / thank you, etc. Then when I sat down, she approached me again. She pointed me out to the whole group and was like "WovenGalaxy did all that by herself and she does all the stuff no one else wants to do." I don't know why, but I felt kind of angry and insulted. I felt like she was patronizing me and putting me down. She was drinking wine and I wondered if she was drunk.


Looking back, maybe she was just being friendly. Maybe she likes me as a person and wanted to express gratitude. Maybe my poor self esteem got in the way of that.


So after we ate, they gave a speech (which I did not know was going to happen), and it was this woman giving the speech, and again, she pointed me out. I didn't realize what was happening. But she then thanked everyone individually, she just did me first, but at that time, before she went on to anyone else, I was thinking "Really? Come on...leave me alone." I was really uncomfrotable and for some stupid weird reason didn't know they were going to go through everyone to thank them. It just happened that she did me first.


So I was already on guard after what I perceived as rude of her (though it might not have been rude), not comfortable in this social climate, nervous socially, and didn't want to be pointed out. She called me modest "as you can see," she said, and my body language was kind of rude at this point. I didn't smile and I turned away from her. She seemed a little offended and said "but we won't make you talk if you don't want to" she said it kind of loud and I said "good, I'll let you talk," The whole time I wasn't smiling. I probably looked angry and like a *****. When I said that, she went on to someone else to thank and I was like oh ****...She was just being nice.


I don't like to do things that are "Against the grain." I don't like to be the odd person being different and weird. And I feel like I was tonight.


I don't know if I need to apologize to her, or what. I'm not at that point yet in my thinking. I might apologize. I don't know.


I don't feel like what I do there is significant at all. I just enjoy being there. I do wish I could use my brain there. But it won't be there (that's not what they do there). It'll be somewhere else, like in school. I guess I was just embarrassed and felt awkward and didn't believe her at first, when she was thanking me and pointing me out to people, that just made me uncomfortable.


I will probably say something to her and explain and apologize...........
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 06:48 PM
  #2
Hi WovenGalaxy,

I don't want to invalidate you. I can see that you are a modest person and don't see the contribution that you made as being that significant. But I have worked for years in nonprofits and getting people to help me stuff envelopes or bags or whatever is SO hard, and I spent hours doing it. I know it seems like basic work and not like a big help, but it REALLY is. So I suspect she was being quite genuine that she appreciated your help and wanted you to feel appreciated.

Of course, I wasn't there, so I don't know. I'm just giving you my perspective when I worked with volunteers.

I don't think a big apology is necessary, but maybe you might tell her that you didn't expect such a big show of appreciation and you're kind of a shy person (not sure if this is totally accurate), and that you appreciate all the nice things she said. And leave it at that.

And it's okay, a lot of people don't like being publicly acknowledged as it makes them uncomfortable. It's not uncommon, so you are not alone in that being called out, even positively, made you uncomfortable.

And, maybe she did have a few drinks because nonprofit staff work their butts off too and barely get to unwind, lol. I don't think she would have been making fun or anything like that though. Volunteers are too valuable to make fun of.

Just take a deep breath. It will all be alright. I'm sure they just really appreciate what you do for them and wanted you to know it.

I hope this helps.

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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 06:58 PM
  #3
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Hi WovenGalaxy,

I don't want to invalidate you. I can see that you are a modest person and don't see the contribution that you made as being that significant. But I have worked for years in nonprofits and getting people to help me stuff envelopes or bags or whatever is SO hard, and I spent hours doing it. I know it seems like basic work and not like a big help, but it REALLY is. So I suspect she was being quite genuine that she appreciated your help and wanted you to feel appreciated.

Of course, I wasn't there, so I don't know. I'm just giving you my perspective when I worked with volunteers.

I don't think a big apology is necessary, but maybe you might tell her that you didn't expect such a big show of appreciation and you're kind of a shy person (not sure if this is totally accurate), and that you appreciate all the nice things she said. And leave it at that.

And it's okay, a lot of people don't like being publicly acknowledged as it makes them uncomfortable. It's not uncommon, so you are not alone in that being called out, even positively, made you uncomfortable.

And, maybe she did have a few drinks because nonprofit staff work their butts off too and barely get to unwind, lol. I don't think she would have been making fun or anything like that though. Volunteers are too valuable to make fun of.

Just take a deep breath. It will all be alright. I'm sure they just really appreciate what you do for them and wanted you to know it.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for this. I suspected my thoughts were out of alignment and false, I was just so uncomfortable there. I hope I was not as rude as I felt. But yes, I will likely say something to her. That IS accurate, btw, that I'm shy. And it was nice of her to say what she said.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 07:03 PM
  #4
I agree with seesaw in that even though you feel what you volunteer to do isn’t that important it actually is a big deal as it’s hard to find volunteers that spend time doing anything

I think you are just a more private person and you were not expecting to receive so much attention.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 07:21 PM
  #5
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I agree with seesaw in that even though you feel what you volunteer to do isn’t that important it actually is a big deal as it’s hard to find volunteers that spend time doing anything

I think you are just a more private person and you were not expecting to receive so much attention.

Private is a good word for me. I don't set out to be private. And of course I like acknowledgement, and I want to be invited to things. But yeah. There's a quote that fits me perfectly: "I want to be invited, but I'm not going to come."
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 08:02 PM
  #6
Yeah ton of people aren’t comfortable in setting like this so I get it. I think this lady perhaps didn’t realize that you don’t like to be in a spotlight. Perhaps she lacks awareness that others might not like big announcements. I suspect she meant well, just a bit awkwardly

As about not doing significant work. Volunteering is volunteering and every little bit is better than nothing, it’s all significant. I don’t currently volunteer, I have no time, but I used to volunteer in two homeless shelters. I didn’t use my brain at all and it was not significant work, in one place I just washed dishes. Made me appreciate dishwashers. What a hard job. But dishes needed to be washed. Same as stuffing envelopes, it needs to be done. And you did it. So they thanked you.

Sometimes it might be ok to do something out of your comfort zone. Like going to a big event and being acknowledged etc
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 09:37 PM
  #7
One thing about me, is that I do sometimes misinterpret social intentions / situations, thinking that someone had negative intent, when that's not true. I've had so much therapy, and good therapy in the last 2 years, that I'm able to step back pretty quickly and be like, "wait a minute, I'm thinking and feeling something, but it may not be true." If I were to guess, I'd say it happens much more intensely, like what happened tonight, when I'm stressed.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a diagnosis that goes with this thought process / perception issue. But I think the most important thing is that I know its there, and that I keep pausing, reaching out, and reflecting. Its only been the past couple of years I've even come to notice it and admit its there, instead of just thinking "people dislike me." That's progress.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:19 PM
  #8
WovenGalaxy, I had a similar thought process for many years, and still must be on guard against it.

When my mother questioned me, it rarely felt like an innocent question. For example, if she asked "How was your bike ride today?" it always felt more like "Why the h**** did you go on a bike ride?" Her questions (and comments) typically made me feel criticized, less than. It usually seemed like like whatever I was doing was wrong, and I was just wrong as a person.

So, as an adult, if people asked me questions I would tend to automatically feel attacked, when in reality people generally were asking completely innocent, friendly questions. It took a lot of therapy to help me do what you were describing, to hold off for a minute and realize that the person was just genuinely interested, not automatically critical. I still need to be attentive about that.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by WovenGalaxy View Post
One thing about me, is that I do sometimes misinterpret social intentions / situations, thinking that someone had negative intent, when that's not true. I've had so much therapy, and good therapy in the last 2 years, that I'm able to step back pretty quickly and be like, "wait a minute, I'm thinking and feeling something, but it may not be true." If I were to guess, I'd say it happens much more intensely, like what happened tonight, when I'm stressed.

Sometimes I wonder if there's a diagnosis that goes with this thought process / perception issue. But I think the most important thing is that I know its there, and that I keep pausing, reaching out, and reflecting. Its only been the past couple of years I've even come to notice it and admit its there, instead of just thinking "people dislike me." That's progress.
Honestly, having been through so much abuse, I do the same thing. I question compliments and praise, and wonder what the ulterior motive is, or if they are really making a backhanded compliment. It's taken a bit to just take compliments and praise at face value. You're not alone in that.

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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:32 PM
  #10
It is excellent that you notice and acknowledge your own thought process. It’s absolutely a huge progress
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:36 PM
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WovenGalaxy, I had a similar thought process for many years, and still must be on guard against it.

When my mother questioned me, it rarely felt like an innocent question. For example, if she asked "How was your bike ride today?" it always felt more like "Why the h**** did you go on a bike ride?" Her questions (and comments) typically made me feel criticized, less than. It usually seemed like like whatever I was doing was wrong, and I was just wrong as a person.

So, as an adult, if people asked me questions I would tend to automatically feel attacked, when in reality people generally were asking completely innocent, friendly questions. It took a lot of therapy to help me do what you were describing, to hold off for a minute and realize that the person was just genuinely interested, not automatically critical. I still need to be attentive about that.
Hugs to you, Bill. Thank you for sharing about your own struggles with this sort of thing. It makes me feel more normal and not alone, and I value your thoughts and feedback as a PC member, so really, thank you.

I experienced bullying as a preteen and in my late teens. I also have never been comfortable in bars / noisy restaurants, and I've avoided these places for a long time. I've avoided a LOT of social stuff for a long time. Right before the pandemic, I started coming out of my shell and really working on this stuff. Then everything shut down, in terms of the pandemic and the world. So I think I am also just really quite Rusty and maybe even just, I don't want to say immature, but I really haven't had any experience as an adult being social with my peers. I'm 37. So I've had a lot of time in my adult life avoiding this stuff and not experiencing it. And not developing coping mechanisms and tools and skills to deal with it.

It feels good to know this. Because I can do something about it.

It's painful at times. And difficult and challenging. I don't know, I know I have more work to do on myself. It's okay.

I also want to validate myself a little. It was a little weird. I think what divine said is sort of accurate. Her heart was in the right place. It was just like a lot.

I'm still going to talk to her tomorrow.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 10:42 PM
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Honestly, having been through so much abuse, I do the same thing. I question compliments and praise, and wonder what the ulterior motive is, or if they are really making a backhanded compliment. It's taken a bit to just take compliments and praise at face value. You're not alone in that.


I'm sorry you've been through what you've been through . Hugs . I appreciate this too though, what you said. It's normalizing.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 08:29 PM
  #13
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I think because I was invited to another volunteer appreciation thing for them that will take place in a couple weeks. This is through zoom though.


I have been unsure of whether to go or not. I have to rsvp by tomorrow.


I've been thinking about one particular comment by this woman, that I posted about in my OP: she said "WovenGalaxy does all the things no one else wants to do." The truth is though, I just do what they give me to do. That's why her comment felt so weird and backhanded. Because unless they GIVE me the stuff no one else wants to do...why would she say that? Unless she just says rando hyperbolic (exaggerated) stuff sometimes. That's a possibility too. I think it also bothered me because I was not even invited to that September event by this woman. Someone else from the org invited me and sent me her forward to the people who helped with that event but I'd originally been left out of that invite. I think it all just felt weird and uncomfortable, and insensitive. I want to validate myself about that. Even if she had the best intentions, I still felt really uncomfortable.


I've been thinking a lot about how people act there. The volunteer coordinator once said to me, after I donated a piece of art to them "you're a little artist!" I'm 37 and it just felt so patronizing when she said "little." She's my age.


They've also been very kind to me. I like talking to some of them, including the volunteer coordinator.


I don't want to avoid stuff just because of...what goes on inside myself. I just....this stuff has really affected me.


I'm wondering if there's a way I carry myself where people act a certain way around me - patronizing. I've heard we are mirrors / we teach people how to treat us.


I dunno. I just don't know if this is in my head or real. If I had to guess, I'd say a little of both.


I will probably go to the thing later in the month, since I don't want to fortune tell. And it would be much easier to leave it was uncomfortable. Just one click. I also don't want to let stuff like this rule my life. I don't know the whole story behind everyone's actions. But I know I need to feel better about myself. Honestly, I don't hate myself. I just have triggers and I really don't like talking about myself in groups. And people ****ing like to ask lol.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 09:22 PM
  #14
You just need exposure and after a while you won’t over think everything. That is what I helped my students notice about themselves when the were just beginning to feel what it’s like when first riding. They ALL overthink at first. It’s normal.
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Default Nov 30, 2020 at 09:33 PM
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You just need exposure and after a while you won’t over think everything. That is what I helped my students notice about themselves when the were just beginning to feel what it’s like when first riding. They ALL overthink at first. It’s normal.
Thanks OE You are probably right!
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 03:25 AM
  #16
Maybe she sees more of what goes on in the organisation and knows what jobs others would rather avoid for whatever reason? For what it’s worth, when I was still at MIND we organised a mental health survey once, and it felt a bit of a slog getting everything into the envelopes to be sent off. That was with several people working together to do it!
And everyone’s perspective is different. What you do might be easy, but it still has value. Some of the tasks I do at work are easy but I’m thrilled when others do them for me, because it’s one less thing I have to worry about. There’s a chance she/organisation was genuinely grateful and felt this was a good way to thank you properly. I can totally sympathise with how you felt about being thrust into the spotlight, though, it can be uncomfortable even when you know it’s coming. It’s great that you can reflect on what happened, and want to clear the air over any misunderstandings.
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Default Dec 01, 2020 at 02:20 PM
  #17
Most people develop a generic way of acknowledging others, it's not personal. I do it myself with a lot of clients and it's something I developed over the years where it's an acknowlegement that is not intended to go deep into another person. There were weekends where I would meet four hundred people easy. So no way could I be more in depth, but I did have to develop a way of acknowledging.

So this woman saying "you do the jobs that others won't do" is meant to help you feel important, it's her generic. You mentioned she doesn't really know you personally, when that's the case you are dealing with some kind of generic acknowledgement to show appreciation.
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