Name calling

Recently, I've felt that my wife has been distant to me. I told her this and we got into a minor argument about it, which I came out of feeling insecure. We were talking today, and I said something to the effect of "we'll never get divorced, right," and she paused and said she hopes not but there are things that might lead to it such as name-calling. She brought up that I recently called her a ****ing complainer during an argument. I absolutely acknowledge that was wrong, and that I should try not to do that, but do you think I'm being held to a standard that I have a chance of meeting? I'd say something like the above happens every few months. We have two little kids and with everything else going on in the world things have been extra stressful. She acknowledges that I've gotten much better at not doing this, but I'm honestly concerned that in the heat of the moment I may occasionally say things like this. Again, I totally acknowledge that these words are not okay, but I'm not sure I'll ever be perfect here. I'm just trying to figure out if this is a reasonable request, or is she searching for a rationale to end the marriage. I love her very much, so I don't want this to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to fight this if it is inevitable. Thanks in advance for your advice.

Personally I would not interpret what your wife said as meaning she's looking for a rationale for ending your marriage. Name-calling in a marriage is, to my mind, never acceptable. Yes no doubt both you as well as your wife are stressed with 2 little kids & everything else that's going on in the world. But that's not an accuse for calling your wife names... even in the heat of argument. At least that's the way I see it. And I don't see being expected to not call your wife names as being held to some unreasonably high or unattainable standard. That's simple respect.

I had a similar sort of situation a few months ago now. I've been having a lot of anxiety-related problems (as well as some physical ones.) I'd been off all psychiatric medication for several years. But, over time, I could tell I was becoming increasingly difficult to live with. I had thought, a few times, that perhaps I was going to need to get back of some sort of medication to keep myself from "popping off" at every little thing. One day I got angry with my wife over a stupid little thing & basically "told her off", so to speak. At that point I realized I had just gone "over the edge". So I got back in touch with my former psychiatrist & got prescriptions for medications that would help me to stop being so difficult.

I don't know if, in your case, psychiatric medications are what's needed. Maybe it's individual counseling, anger management training or couples counseling... or perhaps something else altogether. But at least from my personal perspective, based on what you wrote, I would say you need to own what you're doing, take responsibility for it (as you wrote that you have), but also take the next step as well & figure what you need to do to stop calling your wife names along with whatever else may be going on. Here's a link to a short article, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject:

Good Communication in Marriage Starts with Respect

My best wishes to you & your family.

You should fight this, and always love your partner. All the best.

If she means a lot to you, come up with a language that IS appropriate that you can both use. A way to break a habit is by replacing it with something else.

You think she's a complainer and that's how you feel. When you're both at baseline, talk with her about this. Maybe saying "complainer" isn't going to get her to listen.. but how about saying something like, "Sometimes I feel like there's a lot of negativity in what you say and it brings me down."... or something rather.

Does she complain a lot? Maybe she needs to address something, too.