Feeling guilty for my husband's work problems

Hi Everyone,

Thanks in advance for reading my post!

I'm really overwhelmed and upset right now and I'm sorry that I need to vent.

My husband's work has slowed down during covid. He has complained a lot about needing more money, but I feel that for many years he has not had a lot of initiative. Anyway, something happened that I feel very guilty about. At the place where he works, he is paid by the project, not salary. A couple months ago a coworker placed some unreasonable demands on him, and even promised clients a finished product from my husband without confirming with him first. It was a mess, and I encouraged my husband to stand up to the coworker. He did, but it ultimately backfired. It appears that the coworker has started spreading malicious rumors, and now the company my husband does projects for has said they are seriously reducing his projects.

I am devastated because I feel partly responsible. Also, I don't know how my husband will pay the bills next month. He was upset, told me about it, and then started watching tv and acting happy and pretending like nothing was wrong.

I'm really frustrated, because in that situation, I would not be watching tv. I would be figuring out a plan to make more money. Or how to get more clients online, or who to network with. He has underearned for as long as I have known him. Now, with even less money--I am stressed out. I don't know if he thinks I will pay all the bills and he can watch tv all day or what. But I don't know how to help. He has resisted suggestions in the past. So now I feel like I have to sit in pain and watch him self-destruct. It's harmful to me also. I'm an empath, and it's totally derailed me.

I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I am scared s***less. I don't know what I can do to help. I feel like this is tearing me down. And I'm really angry about it also. A lot of manipulative people have had a destructive impact on us. This has caused me a lot of pain.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Well, first of all you were not there to see how your husband stood up for himself with this coworker. He may have done it so poorly and it sounds like he genuinely lacks the skills to handle the situation he shared with you. From what you describe he lacks communication skills and that's probably why he is distracting himself with the TV right now. It's really not your fault that he failed to handle this challenge either. Also, some people are very good with their hands and doing projects but not so good when dealing with other people. He was devalued by this other person and again devalued when the projects were cut back. He is probably feeling quite defeated right now and the TV has become his distraction. Some people get more easily defeated than others, which is something you probably handle better than him.

Thank you Open Eyes for your support.
This evening my husband and I talked more about how to deal with the toxic people at his work, and also brainstormed ideas to look for new clients. It's a start, so I'm glad about that.
I think you are right that he was feeling defeated, and retreated to the tv. I didn't sleep much that night, either. He is finally starting to vent to me, which seems like a good sign.
My husband is very capable and skilled, but has been a people -pleaser (so am I, actually). That night I got so depressed it was like someone had squashed me. Today is better, thankfully. I am a little more hopeful.
Thank you for listening --that means a lot!

Oh, that's good that you both talked about this challenge. It's good that he was able to finally talk about it. Often men have a hard time articulating the things that are bothering them. My husband is a people pleaser too, and there are times where no matter what he does the customer is just not happy. He gets SO frustrated so I listen to him vent and we talk about it.

You are not alone with this challenge. Talking is good!!

Just remain supportive. You have to talk sense into your husband, problems arise in this life, and you and him should face them together. I lost my job and found it extremely difficult to get another one. I know that in due time the blessing will come. I pray on it, i was offered a job, but weeks later lockdown happened again. These are tough times. Just remain focused and support your husband. Its times like this that tests marriages.