I'm not sure if it can get any worse or if it will ever get better

I'm currently sat in my room as I'm afraid of my flatmates.

I've been bullied pretty much my whole life in different situations. I moved to another country alone five years ago but I don't have any friends as I no longer trust anyone. After being bullied by my boss for two years (who also encouraged others to bully me) I finally found another job. I was then bullied by my co-worker at my new job. I resigned after one year with no job to go as I was so desperate to get away. At the same time I was living with an aggressive and verbally abusive housemate (he physically assaulted the remaining female housemate after I moved out). I moved out a couple of weeks after I left my job.

I moved into the first house I could find with the intention of only staying a month. I was very lonely, scared and depressed. I live with five men. Alcohol and drug use is a daily occurrence with all of them. I started drinking frequently. I have had addictions in the past but not with alcohol. I cut down on my drinking a month ago and haven't drank alcohol for over a week.

Theres been so many incidents but i dont want to give you a long story to read through. It turned into an emotionally abusive situation pretty quickly with three of them. I've been here three months now as I haven't found a job yet. They've all told me stories about most of the previous females tenants moving out because of one of these men in particular (I'll call him M). They all complain about him behind his back but act like his friend to his face.

I had high anxiety yesterday and was trying to stay away from them. I went outside to a quiet part of the garden. M and two others followed me out there. I felt intimidated so I left and went inside the house. M followed me in and silently sat next to me. I got up and went to my room. There were taunts and remarks from one of the other two as I was leaving but I didn't react. I actually thought I was just being paranoid but I saw one of them this morning and he stood and glared at me in a threatening manner. I'm worried it's going to escalate. I've been in my room all day as I'm too scared to leave. They're all downstairs drinking alcohol.

I can't carry on living like this, moving from one situation to another. I make a mess of everything. I must have caused this as it's impossible for one person to go through life attracting so much negative attention.

I'm scared to keep moving, get a new job, get into a relationship and make friends. I don't know how to stand up for myself. On the few occasions I have, it's just made the situation worse for me.

I'm nervous and paranoid around most people. I can't carry a conversation anymore and I feel as if I've lost my personality.

I'm sorry you've been through so much.

Are you male or female?

Are you in therapy at all?

I am also curious as to whether you are male or female? I am not saying one or the other would excuse bullying but I am curious.

Sorry, I forgot to add that I'm female.

A lot of the things that happened or were said to me, I didn't challenge or seek explanation. I'm like a rabbit in the headlights and I freeze.

I was in therapy early last year for three months. I had to take time off work and but my boss wasn't happy about it (I did make the time up by starting earlier). I didn't tell her I was in therapy, just that I had to attend a personal appointment. I ended it as I felt as if I wasn't getting anywhere. She kept asking me how I felt physically or she would repeat back to me what I had just told her. I find it difficult talking about my feelings and experiences. During one of our sessions, I told her about something an ex had done whilst we were still in a relationship. She looked incredulous and screwed her face up and repeated it back to me as if I was lying or imagining it. I felt too ashamed to ask her to explain her reaction.

I packed all my belongings yesterday and left the house in a panic. I'm now staying in a hostel. I'm feeling pretty lost and I'm doubting my sanity.

hello Weary Panda, I am concerned for you dear. Don't give up on therapy, I had a similar experience. I don't know what to tell you, just as a woman as well for some reason I feel more comfortable speaking to a male therapist, I don't understand why but some of my issues are easier to discuss with a man (that may be a disfunction of mine...)
I hope you are in a safe place. Do you have family you can go to? I imagine you are young, I have a young daughter who struggles with depression, but she is overcoming me it gradually. Please let us know you are ok.

This all borders on sexual harassment and assault. What kind of lease do you have?

Hi Anca2103
I'm safe where I'm living now.
I'm not young, I'm in my 30's but emotionally I still feel like a child.
I don't have any family in this country and I struggle to make friends. I'm thinking of moving back home but I'm scared I'll fall back into my old routine and it will trigger my substance abuse.
My life changed for the better when I moved here. I have activities that I can't do back in my home country. I was never into sports but for the first time in my life I now have a passion.
I was never sure if I had depression as I've felt like this my whole life. As a child I felt as if there was something wrong with me and I was defective.

My name was not on the lease. The agreement with any tenant is that they can stay as long as they please.

There were lots of psychological mind games from three of them. I would get hot and cold behaviour that left me feeling very confused and disoriented. I told one of the others weeks ago that I thought M was following me around the house but he tried to make me believe I was imagining it and laughed it off.

I'm glad you're safe for now. I hope you find someone to reach out too, if I were in the UK I would be a helping hand. Courage my dear.

Just because you were bullied, do not let it make things worse for you personally. I was also bullied when i was young. It doesnt bother me and if you ask me about them times i wont have much to say, because i do not hold on to my past. You have to do the same.