Friendships That Are Past Their Time ... Why Do I Put in the Effort?

rukspc · Sep 27, 2020 at 06:40 PM

My friend lives across the country. She, on the West Coast; Me, Midwest.

We met in college and became close until she moved in 2012 for medical school. We stayed in touch for a long time, off and on, through letters, gifts, phone calls, maid of honor in her wedding. I have even flown out twice to visit her by myself to hang out. This past holiday season, I sent some tea for a gift from one of my favorite tea shops in NYC.

This year we caught up, filled each other in on details in our lives, and I thought that our friendship was picking up speed again. We were texting a lot back and forth and checking in periodically.

Last month, we set up times to do video calls twice. Both times, I called her. She left me hanging only to text back hours later that she had just seen a missed call/text. This week, she texted back again and I decided to give it another chance.

Called twice, no answer on any platform. Is this a friendship that is past its time? Why do I invest in this if there is nothing in return? Do I respond to this person with how upset I am or just leave it?

WovenGalaxy · Sep 27, 2020 at 08:48 PM

It makes sense to feel upset and hurt. Has she been typically like this throughout your friendship? If not, could she be going through something? Has she had a change in her life that's made her more flakey? You have every right to express how it feels to you when she stands you up, and ask her "what's going on?" My only advice would be to speak in a civil way and not attack her, as much as you may want to, leave that for private thoughts, a journal, and writing here. Anyway, that's what I'd do.

sarahsweets · Sep 28, 2020 at 12:49 PM

I think regardless of what she may or may not be going through that she is not a good friend. Friendships are never this one-sided.

Have Hope · Sep 28, 2020 at 12:54 PM

I had a similar experience with a long-time friend, who didn't answer my emails or texts for a while. Then I found out that his geographic region was clouded in smoke from the fires out west.

It is very possible that your friend is dealing with something. It's a difficult time right now overall, and especially on the west coast with all the fires. If this friend has been generally responsive to you over the years, I would not let these few recent instances to sway you into thinking that the friendship must end? That seems a bit extreme, especially given the closeness in contact you've had over the years.

Perhaps in a few days, reach out again and ask if she is ok. Maybe express that you were hurt by the lack of response, but I would ask if something had happened, first, and see if she is OK, first.

Good friends are hard to come by. If this person has generally been a good friend, my advice is not to cut ties. College friends can be some of the most important friendships we keep.

Bill3 · Sep 28, 2020 at 01:22 PM

I agree with Have Hope.

Given that you were maid of honor in her wedding, it seems that there was a real closeness there.

Good friendships are like fine china--beautiful to experience, easy to destroy.

Because of the above, I would not tell her how upset you are.

My suggestion is to take a step back. No more sending gifts. Don't try for video calls. The fact that she forgets them, I bet, is nothing personal, she just isn't in a head space to remember and do them now, for whatever reason.

Stick with what works. You were texting back a forth a lot, just this year! Reset your expectations to what works, which has been texting. Stay friends via texting for now. Keep the door open. Treasure your friend.

Fuzzybear · Sep 28, 2020 at 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree with Have Hope.

Given that you were maid of honor in her wedding, it seems that there was a real closeness there.

Good friendships are like fine china--beautiful to experience, easy to destroy.

Because of the above, I would not tell her how upset you are.

My suggestion is to take a step back. No more sending gifts. Don't try for video calls. The fact that she forgets them, I bet, is nothing personal, she just isn't in a head space to remember and do them now, for whatever reason.

Stick with what works. You were texting back a forth a lot, just this year! Reset your expectations to what works, which has been texting. Stay friends via texting for now. Keep the door open. Treasure your friend.

Discombobulated · Oct 02, 2020 at 06:56 AM

I agree with Bill. I think even close friendships ebb and flow with time, as you describe. Also I think 2020 has brought massive challenges to many - cutting slack seems wise.

Have Hope · Oct 02, 2020 at 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Good friendships are like fine china--beautiful to experience, easy to destroy.

This. This stands out to me.

Good friendships - especially long-term ones - are MOST precious. I am 50 years old, and I value my long-term friendships SO much. I have a handful of close friends, and those who have been in my life for 30 years now are my most valued friendships.

I've seen how easy it is to lose or harm friendships based on misunderstandings and conflicts. But some friendships are not meant to be long-term. Some people are meant to come into your life for just a short period, and others are meant to be in your life for a lifetime.

My main point is that true friendships, - the good ones - are hard to come by.

When you find a good friend, hold onto them. As you get older, they become even more important, as friends get married and have children and as life gets busier and busier.

Don't let the little things harm a good friendship is my other point. She may have missed a few calls and may have seemed to be too busy for you, but if she's been a good friend for a number of years, don't let this ruin the friendship.

Prycejosh1987 · Nov 13, 2020 at 11:28 AM

I do not think so, it depends how frequently the miss calling things happens. You both live lives that have their own issues, and distractions. Keep playing the game, and if it keeps happening then perhaps the friendship is dying out.

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sarahsweets Threadtastic Postaholic Member Since Dec 2018 Location: New Jersey Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!) 5 192 hugs given	Sep 28, 2020 at 12:49 PM #3 I think regardless of what she may or may not be going through that she is not a good friend. Friendships are never this one-sided. __________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society.
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Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,694 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Oct 02, 2020 at 06:56 AM #7 I agree with Bill. I think even close friendships ebb and flow with time, as you describe. Also I think 2020 has brought massive challenges to many - cutting slack seems wise.
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Prycejosh1987 Member Member Since Jul 2020 Location: UK Posts: 368 3	Nov 13, 2020 at 11:28 AM #9 I do not think so, it depends how frequently the miss calling things happens. You both live lives that have their own issues, and distractions. Keep playing the game, and if it keeps happening then perhaps the friendship is dying out.
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