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lowselfesteem92
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Confused Sep 27, 2020 at 08:42 PM
  #1
Hi all.
I have been having issues with my boyfriend’s daughter (11 years old) in the past 6-10 months. I have previously posted something about this some months back but now have felt the need to post again, as things are getting out of control. So here it goes:

My boyfriend’s daughter seems to have a problem with me spending time with him when it’s his turn to have her for the weekend. She has not specifically said anything, but I can see in her actions and body language. She glares at me, she does not talk to me unless I speak to her first (and this is always followed by one worded answers like yes, no, mmhmm). She basically ignores me but doesn’t treat her dad or grandma like that. I spend almost everyday with my boyfriend but sleep over on Saturdays with him. This weekend that’s passed was his weekend with his daughter. He lives with his mum so when his daughter is there, it’s me, his mum and his daughter. His mum has made some comments to me like “she doesn’t like it when you close your door” and “she misses her dad” in the past. So, naturally I have taken on that advice and left his room door open and have only closed it around 3am when we were asleep (which at that time she was still awake). Before closing the door I went to tell her that if she needs anything to just come and get us and goodnight. Also, my boyfriend always encourages her and asks her to come join us and we can watch a movie but she always shuts the door and is on her computer for the whole day even during meal times.
She does not socialise with us.

Yesterday, she was upset that she didn’t get time to spend with her dad and his mum came up to me and asked me if the next Saturday when he has his daughter if I could let his daughter sleep in the bed with him. So naturally the message I got from that was “please don’t come the next Saturday she is here so that they can spend time together.” This made me really upset and hurt. Am I just being overly sensitive? I would like to know, please.

Why do I have to sacrifice my Saturdays just so that she could be alone with her dad, when she could very easily be alone with him while I’m there?

She did not see him on father’s day despite saying that she will come over, and so the following weekend it was my boyfriend’s turn to have her. So I decided to not go over on the Saturday because I know she must have wanted to spend time with him. However, when I asked him what he and his daughter had been up to, he said she locked herself in her room and was on her laptop the whole time. She clearly didn’t want to spend time with him even when I’m not there. Yet, she complains and cries to her grandma when I’m there that she doesn’t get to spend time with her dad ( doesn’t do this in front of me, but only when I’m not there to see it).

I am not sure what I should do or if how I feel is justified? I would appreciate some opinions, please.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 08:59 PM
  #2
Ummm...you should not be first here.

You already say you spend "every day" with him. Why don't you stay at your own place when he has her?

She probably (rightfully) resents the fact that she has no time alone with her father.

It is also an imposition for a grown man to live with his mother, have to do his custody time in HER house and have his girlfriend there all at the same time. Which also leads me to ask - why are you there with his mother and his daughter when he isn't? You shouldn't be. It's not his house and it's not your house. It's his mother's house.

Back off a little and let this child spend time with her father. You will live if you don't see the man over a couple of weekends a month.

You are completely wrong here.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 09:01 PM
  #3
Is there a different day you could spend the night at your bf's house?

It sounds to me like his daughter may not be too keen on you, and I'm sorry this has hurt you. Its hurtful when ppl don't like us. I get it. It doesn't make you a bad person.

I also don't know the whole story. Maybe she has a story of her own to tell. Her side. Also she's 11. Could she be going through a hard time? What is her mother like?

If it were me, I'd give it time and, yes, space.

On the flip side, it sounds like Saturdays are special for you and your bf. Is this relationship new? That may be partly why the daughter doesn't like you / isn't comfortable with you.
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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 05:09 AM
  #4
Well she certainly don’t need to sleep in a bed with her father.

Having said that, even married people don’t live like this attached to the hip. Spending every day with him is uncalled her. I highly recommend you get yourself hobbies, find your own friends, perhaps volunteer and in general just do some things on your own or with friends. I am married and I don’t spend every waken moment with my husband. It’s very un healthy. In addition you don’t live there and I suspect it’s his mothers house.

Yes the girl might be jealous. But you are grown up. Don’t compete with a child for this guys attention. Also it’s important for children to have their own time with their parent especially if they don’t see that parent often or don’t live with .

In addition I wonder if you are in general not too happy with how relationship develops yet it’s hard to address it so you focus on this child’s wrong doings. You’ve been together for over 2 years and there is no sign of commitment and you both still live with parents. He doesn’t see you in your house so you go to his daily? How does mom react to that? If my grown daughter lived with me I’d have an issue with boyfriends visiting daily. I need my peace. How is that dynamic going?
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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 06:52 AM
  #5
I agree with the other posters. You need to give your boyfriend every single weekend alone with his daughter, without you being there. She needs consistent quality time with her father alone without you, and clearly resents you for intruding on that time. You are not married, so why are you there every weekend and nearly every day?

I am scratching my head a little bit because it seems you do not understand that his daughter must come first, NOT YOU, in your boyfriend's life. She cannot truly be alone with him, with you there. That's still not fair to his daughter.

I dated someone with a young daughter. Every other weekend I did not see him because it was his weekend with his daughter. I saw him instead on the nights during the week when he was not with his daughter.

Only after one full year of dating, was I invited to join them SOMETIMES on the weekends, if there was a fun event my boyfriend wanted me to join. And only on very few occasions (maybe three times in two years), did I sleep over while his daughter was visiting. Otherwise, they had their weekends alone, and I kept myself busy with other friends. It worked out very well.

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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 09:40 AM
  #6
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your opinions. While some of you have been a little bit too honest, I am now able to think from a logical perspective. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and intend on moving i. Together, marrying and having kids of our own in the near future. With seeing him everyday, I only do for a few hours and go home as he works late night shift. His mum has not expressed any concern about me coming over almost every day. He’s very open and okay with me coming over whenever, but I also understand that his mum might need her space, too. I agree that I have been intruding on his daughter’s ability to spend time with her father. I won’t go to his house on the weekends that she is there. This might also be a for a long term benefit as she may otherwise resent me in the future if I keep taking her time away from her dad. While I do have hobbies, I am also a full time school teacher and an kept busy everyday with work. So, I always have something to do when I do not see my boyfriend. We both love seeing each other very often and my boyfriend always includes me in things that he does with his daughter. I suppose it is up to be to decline some of these invitations so they could spend alone time together. Also just to correct, I don’t go there when he is not there. Thank you all for your help. If you do have some
Helpful tips, I would be grateful 😌
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Smile Sep 28, 2020 at 09:42 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
Ummm...you should not be first here.

You already say you spend "every day" with him. Why don't you stay at your own place when he has her?

She probably (rightfully) resents the fact that she has no time alone with her father.

It is also an imposition for a grown man to live with his mother, have to do his custody time in HER house and have his girlfriend there all at the same time. Which also leads me to ask - why are you there with his mother and his daughter when he isn't? You shouldn't be. It's not his house and it's not your house. It's his mother's house.

Back off a little and let this child spend time with her father. You will live if you don't see the man over a couple of weekends a month.

You are completely wrong here.

Thank you for your opinions. I appreciate it. Also, I am not there when he is not there. I agree... I will be just fine if I don’t see him for a weekend or two.
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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 11:12 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by lowselfesteem92 View Post
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for your opinions. While some of you have been a little bit too honest, I am now able to think from a logical perspective. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years and intend on moving i. Together, marrying and having kids of our own in the near future. With seeing him everyday, I only do for a few hours and go home as he works late night shift. His mum has not expressed any concern about me coming over almost every day. He’s very open and okay with me coming over whenever, but I also understand that his mum might need her space, too. I agree that I have been intruding on his daughter’s ability to spend time with her father. I won’t go to his house on the weekends that she is there. This might also be a for a long term benefit as she may otherwise resent me in the future if I keep taking her time away from her dad. While I do have hobbies, I am also a full time school teacher and an kept busy everyday with work. So, I always have something to do when I do not see my boyfriend. We both love seeing each other very often and my boyfriend always includes me in things that he does with his daughter. I suppose it is up to be to decline some of these invitations so they could spend alone time together. Also just to correct, I don’t go there when he is not there. Thank you all for your help. If you do have some
Helpful tips, I would be grateful 😌
Hey there. I want to commend you and applaud you! You took the direct and honest feedback very well, you took people's feedback into consideration, and you came to a very mature conclusion! I am glad you were able to see things objectively and logically, which is really admirable.

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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 12:11 PM
  #9
I also want to commend the op for being so gracious with words that may have been hard to hear. I am just curious.. why live together before marrying? Its one thing when unmarried people move in together but I wonder if doing so would be harder for the daughter to deal with?

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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 03:17 PM
  #10
It sounds like a good plan to me. I’d say skipping some weekends is a good idea especially since you visit him every day.
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Smile Sep 29, 2020 at 10:57 AM
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I also want to commend the op for being so gracious with words that may have been hard to hear. I am just curious.. why live together before marrying? Its one thing when unmarried people move in together but I wonder if doing so would be harder for the daughter to deal with?
Hi SarahSweets.

Thank you. Well, the reason why we want to live together before marrying is firstly both of us have been married before at very young ages (both of us were 22 when we married our ex respective partners). Secondly, when I married, I did not know the guy for more than 1 year (half of which was spent long distance) and did not give the relationship a chance to blossom and grow before moving in together. Consequently, the relationship broke down and ended in divorce (thank goodness for that). Hence, we both agree that by moving in together, it will give us a chance to fully experience living together 24/7 (although we have travelled overseas twice together and had some weekends away). And, by moving in together if we decide that it is working out well, then we will take the next step and get married. I do not think it will be harder for his daughter, as he had this arrangement with his previous ex girlfriend. They lived together and the daughter would see him on his weekends.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 09:56 AM
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However, when I asked him what he and his daughter had been up to, he said she locked herself in her room and was on her laptop the whole time. She clearly didn’t want to spend time with him even when I’m not there.
I think that this time still "counts" as private time with her father. In your absence, she was allowed to make the choice as to how much time to spend with him.

When she is holed up in her room, I think it would be fine of your boyfriend to speak with her kindly and invite her to do fun stuff together. However, if she chooses not to, I think she should not be "punished" for that. As they say, you catch more flies with honey. I think she should be allowed to make her own choice as to how she wants to spend that time with her father.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 01:42 PM
  #13
Is he involved father? Or is he more of a “hands off” type. You mentioned she is up at 3am (????). I find it highly unusual.

Are they close? They might lack closeness hence she isn’t up to talking to him much. Perhaps he could focus on rebuilding their closeness.

Also she might feel comfortable in the house when it’s just their family, even if she stays in her room. It could be still comforting. It’s not particularly comforting when people visit daily. It’s different if they live there. She might be just in general uncomfortable when you there daily since you don’t live there. It doesn’t even matter if she spends time with dad. It might be that it’s not like she dislikes you. It’s just not comfortable. I personally can’t stand people just coming over unless they are invited to dinner party (and not daily, maybe like once a month but even that is too much, I like my privacy) and then leave.
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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #14
His daughter being only 11 years old is still very young yet. She is probably resentful that her parents got divorced and often one of the big fears a child this age has when it comes to seeing their father with a new partner is if that partner marries him and has children with him which is felt would be replacing "her".

It may benefit his daughter to have her spend time with a therapist so his daughter can talk about how challenging this experience is for her. This would be better than her hiding out in her room in her emotional confusion. She is much too young to understand all the things she if feeling right now, she needs guidance.
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Default Oct 04, 2020 at 02:45 AM
  #15
I can’t understand why your boyfriend isn’t stepping up to the plate and speaking to her / her mother about this. It’s not for you to play peacemaker if your relationship has gone so far as speaking about marriage.

I’m from a blended family. Divorced my ex 6 years ago. Been living with my partner for 4 years now. My daughter who is now 16 has always been somewhat short with one word answers towards my partner. Perhaps she’s bitter about the divorce. I asked her the other day if we can have a family photo shoot. She said not if my partners in it. Ouch. But she knows my boundaries. Like him or not, our relationship stands. He’s not going anywhere and nor am I. We have a near 2 year old together and she NEEDS to accept that we have all moved on.

The part about her sleeping in your partner’s bed at the age of 11? Just no. It’s called boundaries and it’s your partner who should be telling her no you sleep there.
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Grin Oct 05, 2020 at 07:21 AM
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I can’t understand why your boyfriend isn’t stepping up to the plate and speaking to her / her mother about this. It’s not for you to play peacemaker if your relationship has gone so far as speaking about marriage.

I’m from a blended family. Divorced my ex 6 years ago. Been living with my partner for 4 years now. My daughter who is now 16 has always been somewhat short with one word answers towards my partner. Perhaps she’s bitter about the divorce. I asked her the other day if we can have a family photo shoot. She said not if my partners in it. Ouch. But she knows my boundaries. Like him or not, our relationship stands. He’s not going anywhere and nor am I. We have a near 2 year old together and she NEEDS to accept that we have all moved on.

The part about her sleeping in your partner’s bed at the age of 11? Just no. It’s called boundaries and it’s your partner who should be telling her no you sleep there.
Thank you so much! I feel understood! That is quite hurtful about your daughter not wanting your partner in the photoshoot. Her dad has always tried to make her understand that he and her mum are never getting back together. As they've been divorced for 7 years now and he has had a previous ex girlfriend in between then, his daughter has already been exposed to her dad having another partner. I suppose she is bitter about the divorce even though she does not talk about it or admit it. Yes, I agree that she is way too old to sleep in the bed with her dad, but given that I am just his girlfriend, I will not say anything as I feel it is not my place. I comfort myself with the thought that when she is older she will understand.
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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 07:29 AM
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Is he involved father? Or is he more of a “hands off” type. You mentioned she is up at 3am (????). I find it highly unusual.

Are they close? They might lack closeness hence she isn’t up to talking to him much. Perhaps he could focus on rebuilding their closeness.

Also she might feel comfortable in the house when it’s just their family, even if she stays in her room. It could be still comforting. It’s not particularly comforting when people visit daily. It’s different if they live there. She might be just in general uncomfortable when you there daily since you don’t live there. It doesn’t even matter if she spends time with dad. It might be that it’s not like she dislikes you. It’s just not comfortable. I personally can’t stand people just coming over unless they are invited to dinner party (and not daily, maybe like once a month but even that is too much, I like my privacy) and then leave.
With her being up at 3am, this is a constant battle between my partner, his daughter and her grandma (his mum). She has her own laptop and her time on her laptop is not monitored. My partner is really laid back with this and does not monitor her laptop time. If it were my child, I would only allow them 'free time' on a laptop when they have earned it and for a maximum of 30 minutes or so. But, I would also never get an 11 year old a laptop. She has become so addicted to it and it has caused her to become rude when talking to her grandma. I even went downstairs once and her grandma tried to take her phone from her and she stuck the middle finger up at her grandma. Her dad does not know about this. She exhibits atrocious, bratty behaviour.

He is more of a 'hands off' type, in that he does not pressure her to do things like spend time with him. He will simply ask her and if she says no then he takes no for an answer and does not press the matter further. Essentially, he leaves her to make her own decisions and while I do not agree with this style of parenting (as it gives the kid too much freedom), I am not comfortable with telling him how to parent as I have no right to do that. Furthermore, I just do not want to concern myself too much with her. If she wants to have some kind of friendship with me, so be it and I will be there for her. But if she does not want to, then I am not going to be bothered by it. I am not going to let 1 kid not liking me affect me. I am a teacher and have many students who appreciate me and show me kindness. I totally understand with the people coming over daily may not make others feel comfortable. However, my boyfriend and his mum have always been happy to have me and my boyfriend always says that I am welcome to come at any time. I do always ask him when is the best time for me to come over.
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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 07:32 AM
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I think that this time still "counts" as private time with her father. In your absence, she was allowed to make the choice as to how much time to spend with him.

When she is holed up in her room, I think it would be fine of your boyfriend to speak with her kindly and invite her to do fun stuff together. However, if she chooses not to, I think she should not be "punished" for that. As they say, you catch more flies with honey. I think she should be allowed to make her own choice as to how she wants to spend that time with her father.

Thank you. I think you are right. As frustrated, hurt and offended I can get with the way she treats me, I am going to do my best to always show kindness and a smile and vent my frustrations at her because that may give her a reason to resent me. It will take lots of mental strength and resilience, as I have an overly sensitive personality.
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Default Oct 05, 2020 at 08:37 PM
  #19
Why does he live with his mom if I may ask? And if his daughter only visits on the weekends why isn’t he going to see you in your house and why isn’t he going on dates with you? I know you said he works night but not every night? Personally I’d refuse to go to man’s house daily especially if his mother was there. It’s understandable he does not object to it at all because it’s very convenient for him. He doesn’t have to make an effort. You sound very accommodating to him. Is he just as nice and accommodating? He is hands off parent, how is he as a boyfriend?

It feels to me that you are getting short end of the stick here with him and his poorly behaved unsupervised child. You are making too many sacrifices. I cannot imagine in the wildest dream ever in my life going to man’s house every weekday after hard and long day of work. You can’t pay me enough to do that. Too tired and too many things to get done plus it’s too one sided. No way no how.

I hope you two plan on getting your own place when you move in together. But I’d think very long and hard before moving in with someone who doesn’t parent his child. Step parenting is complicated. It’s going to be even more complicated living with a stepchild whose parent doesn’t do actual parenting. In addition his meddling mother is in the middle of it. You’ll have it rough, I am afraid.

Sorry being blunt but I am familiar with blended families and it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy

Last edited by divine1966; Oct 05, 2020 at 09:00 PM..
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Smirk Oct 06, 2020 at 05:57 AM
  #20
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Why does he live with his mom if I may ask? And if his daughter only visits on the weekends why isn’t he going to see you in your house and why isn’t he going on dates with you? I know you said he works night but not every night? Personally I’d refuse to go to man’s house daily especially if his mother was there. It’s understandable he does not object to it at all because it’s very convenient for him. He doesn’t have to make an effort. You sound very accommodating to him. Is he just as nice and accommodating? He is hands off parent, how is he as a boyfriend?

It feels to me that you are getting short end of the stick here with him and his poorly behaved unsupervised child. You are making too many sacrifices. I cannot imagine in the wildest dream ever in my life going to man’s house every weekday after hard and long day of work. You can’t pay me enough to do that. Too tired and too many things to get done plus it’s too one sided. No way no how.

I hope you two plan on getting your own place when you move in together. But I’d think very long and hard before moving in with someone who doesn’t parent his child. Step parenting is complicated. It’s going to be even more complicated living with a stepchild whose parent doesn’t do actual parenting. In addition his meddling mother is in the middle of it. You’ll have it rough, I am afraid.

Sorry being blunt but I am familiar with blended families and it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be easy
He has not always lived with his mum. Due to unforseen circumstances, he has had to live with his mother longer than he expected. He does come to see me but only when I ask him to. He is just the down to earth laid back type that does not pressure and I am quite happy with that. Also, my parents are in the midst of having their house built which is almost finished and which gives me my own space and so when I move into the new house with my family, I will feel slightly more comfortable having my partner more often as we will have our own space to chill. Although, we both have agreed that sleepovers will be at his place because he expressed that when he used to sleep over at his ex gf's house, he felt weird because her parents were there etc. This arrangement suits me because I have never had a boy sleep over at my house ever and I am 28 and it would be a little awkward, whereas he has had his ex gf sleep over many times at his house so we prefer this. So, he definitely comes to see me but it is hard because I work from home (teacher) and he works night shifts and usually sleeps during the day so to be fair to him I go there. And, I don't mind that most of the time I am the one travelling to his place (he lives 15 minutes away) and it is no hassle. He is perfect as a boyfriend. He lets me make the decisions and is very easy going. I was married previously and my ex husband was the opposite and condescending and it was a very toxic relationship. In this relationship, we never fight or argue and we always respect each other and show affection, so it is the relationship I have always wanted. In terms of dates, he took me out on so many dates in the past 2 years but due to COVID happening this year (I live in Melbourne, Australia), we are currently on lockdown and cannot go to the movies or go to restaurants unless its takeaway. So we will definitely resume our dates (and he has expressed this too) once we reach the next stage in our decreasing of COVID restrictions which should be in the next 2 weeks. We are definitely thinking of getting our own place (in fact I brought it up to him that we should start saving and he is totally on board with that). He is very open with me doing things with his child and telling her off if need be but I have taken a step back and distanced myself from the daughter because of her attitude towards me. Plus, at the end of the day, it is not my child and I am not going to allow myself to get too emotionally entangled with her. If she wants to stay up at 3am on the computer and comes to regret this later in life, it will be her life lesson, not mine. (Speaking my mind here) I also do not want to burn myself out by trying to set some rules or discipline a kid that is not mine and have to deal with her negativity, because when I have kids of my own, I rather give them my all and not waste my energy on my partner's daughter. Eventually she will have her own life anyway. Thank you for your perspective
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