People who constantly blame others.

Why is the narcissistic person unaware they keep doing the same toxic thing? Because they don’t want to change. They truly aren’t aware they are toxic. If you tell them they are, they get more angry and hostile.

As for the identity of children steered to meet parents’ approval, I think the child always does have their own personality, likes and desires, but they do what the parent wants to gain approval. Then sometimes eventually they rebel and do what they want that meets with the parents disapproval, they are disowned and slandered sometimes, and sometimes don’t care.

When the family sees the parent who treats others like this, they discount the slander because sometimes the same has been done to them by this person. They have no credibility. The family tries to avoid their wrath and copes with it if they don’t go estranged.

This morning I was explaining something to someone that I felt might help that person see something in a different light.

Most people will hear this about horses in barn fires. It is said that often when rescuing a horse from a barn fire it's not just about getting them out to safety, but preventing that horse from running back into the burning barn. Many could never understand WHY any horse would choose to actually run back into a burning barn. Well, there is a reason for that. Horses begin to learn that their stall is "safe" and all living things including human beings tend to go to where ever they can feel safe. Horses are put in barns to get them out of the weather, to keep them safe from storms, from too much heat and bugs and the horse begins to learn that it's safe in a barn in a stall and they also get fed there too, so that's also a place where they are nourished. Often they can see other horses in the barn too, so that tends to be another comfort as they are herd animals.

So when a fire happens and there is chaos, and a horse is frightened, they tend to actually run back into that barn they identify as a place they are safe.

Human beings actually do the same thing. And a human being can develop habits that they deem safe when in reality it's just familiar and not really safe.

This habit of constantly blaming others when things go badly develops as a coping mechanism, and a person begins to use this method to escape problems. It becomes a place to run to when someone doesn't want to see that once again they ran into that burning barn. And if one thinks about the barn fire, the horse doesn't think, instead the horse "acts" on fear and impulse IN THE MOMENT. And if someone tries to help that horse, that person can actually get hurt when that horse is acting IN THE MOMENT and is driven to run back into that burning barn. Often a handler will grab something and cover a horse's eyes and leads them away from the trauma and that burning barn.

Ironically, this is something a person develops ways to do in order to get another person to think they are safe, to rescue them, to give them power or some kind of refuge. It's called getting another person to follow BLINDLY.

This technique is VERY MARKETABLE. In fact, when I look at my email I often see SEVERAL emails from someone claiming to be a psychic and tarot card reader. They all choose things that a person may be drawn to, it's their BAITING. A person is given some information that many people are challenged by, and in that information they are told how the psychic can't sleep and keeps getting dreams or messages about them they are compelled to share these messages. It even seems like "wow this psychic sees my challenge, it must be real". And the person ends up clicking on it, only to be told if they allow the psychic to share more, they will avoid certain doom or will read something important they can greatly benefit from. So because the person is struggling in some way, they agree and PAY THE FEE. And they THINK this person who is a so called psychic can really see and understand them. They don't realize this psychic has figured out how to get them to think that. After all this is how this so called psychic makes money. It's no different then doing a search and putting in what you are looking for and getting a list of what you are looking for and who you can buy it from.

The problem with constantly blaming others, is a person develops their own "cognitive distortions". They begin to create their own reality and avoid instead of learning and growing. The problem that develops from this is that the person gets so they don't know how to trust anyone or even themselves. It becomes a disorder and the person never really develops an identity as this disorder becomes their identity.

@Open Eyes, I didn’t understand very well which consists BLINDLY mechanism in? Can you explain it a little bit more for me, please?

I was trying to explain how a person can follow blindly by using the example of how to get a horse away from what they feel is safe but is not safe is by covering it's eyes so it blindly follows. This is where "following blindly" comes from.

When someone chooses to blame everyone else and plays the victim, it's their effort to convince others to follow them "blindly". The problem with this is that they also convince themselves THEY are the victim hense THEY too are blind. This is the burning barn they keep running into.

These individuals tend to act by IMPULSE and they don't look down the road at the consequences, they want what they want IN THE MOMENT. If relationships go badly because of this, it's always someone elses fault.

Life of victimhood might be easier than life of responsibility. If it’s never your fault and everyone else did you wrong, then you don’t have to take care of anything and you can just mope around. So it’s not a good life to live if you ask me, but in a way it must be easier. If nothing is ever your fault, then you are never responsible for anything. And it’s a sure way to make others take care of you and feel bad for you.

There are people who have issues in all relationships: in family, work place, romantic and in all friendships, and mysteriously it’s never their fault. It’s not even statistically possible. But oh well that’s how they choose to live. Be a victim if that’s what you (hypothetical you) want

Thank you, @Open Eyes.
Masks are needed ( socially needed more than I would like to accept) and I myself wear masks to portrait a socially acceptable image, but the problem is when you believe your mask. What can be done in these situations? How do you deal with a person like that?

By age 7 a child learns most of what is expected. They are taught to wear a mask in public and then how things are different in the home.

So masking is very common.

However, it's not really black and white. There is actually a lot of gray.

I strongly believe the act of supporting those who constantly blame and never take responsibility for their own actions is cruel because you are only validating their maladaptive thoughts and actions.

I agree with you, especially when the validation is essentially enabling bad behavior or worse. I think one can validate what a person is feeling without enabling them and without validating that it's okay to act out or take those feelings out on someone. I once had a mentor who sort of reprimanded me for a way I reacted about something, and it was really interesting to me because she acknowledged and understood WHY I felt the way I did about it, but that the actual action I took, sort of in a reactive way, was counterproductive. I righted my wrong behavior and checked in with others involved to discuss the matter and all was well. But I'm honestly grateful when people can kindly give me feedback about how my behavior might come across while also validating that they understand the impulse behind the behavior. As humans we can't grow unless we learn by making mistakes. But if no one will ever tell you the truth, then you will always think you're perfect (not you but you know, general "you").

I always believe in delivering this feedback with compassion and empathy when possible. We are all human and sometimes get fed up with things, so we can all deliver feedback poorly. Most of us aren't therapists but just people trying to help each other, and we make mistakes or deliver things poorly from time to time. We're human.

I really do agree with you though that it's one thing to validate how someone feels; it's another entirely to validate and enable actual behaviors that harm themselves or others.

Narcissistic’s supply. Yes, this is the worst you can do with a person like that. And very pointless.

I guess they have to get sank to the bottom to see that there’s something wrong. Something is not working in their lives and go to a therapist or wonder themselves.

I’m very compassionate but I have also my principles very clear and I’m not ready to renounce the truth. I can, as you say, seesaw, be understanding of the feelings but I’m not gonna do anything to feed the wrong thing.

I would feel like resurrecting this thread.
I think it’s very important that a person is humble enough to hear and read what other people have to say. I see it as the first step to begin to avoid blaming others for everything and begin to assume your responsibility.

I’ve been seeing that in the net it’s mainly about finding reassurance and validation to our thoughts and it doesn’t take us anywhere. It’s easy, you can put the other person in the ignored list and you keep going with your own $hit. But, does it help you? You can be in denial for as much as you please, but it won’t take you nowhere.

I lived a period when I was very wrong. Of course, I deal the best as possible with the tool I have and according to my possibilities but I received input from some people and they showed me how wrong I was. Of course, it wasn’t very well welcome by me. The truth hurts. The role these people had to play, I guess it wasn’t a nice task for them. However, they showed me their perspective because they are faithful with their principles and wanted to do the right thing.

It’s needed courage to say to a person what (s)he doesn’t want to hear and courage from the other person to take into account that (s)he might be wrong.
I’d wish it happened more. I would wish we were more open to reflex about ourselves and don’t put the blame or the responsibility outside. Our partners, our neighbours, our doctors, our coworkers...God, the spirits, lol...
If something human being has to learn is to be humble.

I agree. It takes an open-minded, self-aware person to be able to look at themselves to see their part in any conflict. So often it is the case where someone wants to completely blame the other guy. (Sometimes it truly is 100% the other guy...) but mostly both parties share the fault for the conflict.

Entitlement often produces a blind spot and a POV that if someone doesn’t agree then they are wrong or at fault.

Unfortunately, there are people that interact based on emotions instead of listening and using logic. This can lead to developing habits of blaming others for emotions. It can become an unhealthy habit of practicing emotions constantly coming from external sources and blaming others for those emotions rather than taking control over ones own emotions.

I agree with most of what you said, only stressing on a couple of points.
Everybody have our Ego, not always we are in the right moment to accept another person’s insight and of course, in the end it’s always up to us our last word and decision. But, at least, don’t silent this person. Be a little more polite. It’s not even needed to have a completely open-mind. Only a little of consideration since the other person took his/her time to reply.

In regards to something being sometimes 100% truth when there are different parties involved, I would see it’s something extremely rare. Very few cases.
And when you see the same person complains over and over again about everyone, following the same pattern. It’s a completely waste of time, it’s like going on circles.

What I don’t understand is what’s the point on writing in a space like that? Why you just don’t write on a journal. I wonder.

And we give zero help if we let ourselves be grabbed by the noise the other person has in his/her head.

Well, I think the key is to pay attention to individuals who say "I feel this way and it's YOUR FAULT". This can be a red flag that you may be dealing with a person that blames outside input on how they feel. That's not a person who is willing to own their own feelings and instead chooses to blame their feelings on others.

This is what I kept dealing with when it came to my older sister and she is very disordered and engages in all kinds of cognitive distortions and likes to create her OWN narrative which isn't based on truth and reality. My sister is very prone to blowing up in rages and doesn't care who she rages in front of either. There are times where the best thing to do is completely disconnect when a person begins to show the red flags and you basically have to tip toe around them constantly.

Could apply your comments to my situation too!

Yes! And you have to work on not absorbing how your mother is throwing her emotions at you. This is a long time habit of hers that at her age she isn’t going to change.