Trust issues with my husband - please help

@KBMK, it is horrible, thank you.

My therapist is very understanding, yes.

I guess the good news is this place I am in now is not new to me. I was here in July, ready to divorce him. I had a plan and I had called lawyers. When I talked to my husband about it, I announced I was divorcing him. Then he begged me to stay.

Now that I see he cannot truly change his behaviors, and now that I see this is a character flaw in him, I now know what I must do.

And yes, it's best for everyone. He cannot deal with me questioning him anymore, and I cannot deal with always having questions and doubts in my mind about what he's doing and if he's telling me the truth.

But yes, I am angry.. and that anger runs deep. I feel I have been misled in so many ways.

A condition of marriage on my part was that he never raise his voice at me again. He had before we got engaged, I put my foot down, and he promised he never would again. Then right before our wedding, he exploded on me in a rage. Then right after we married, he exploded on me repeatedly for the 1st few months of marriage. I was thinking I would have to leave him then.

And I remember when we first met, how he told me more than once what a loving and caring person he is. It raised a yellow flag for me then, and I was thinking, why does he need to TELL me this? Now I see it as manipulation and lies to get me to date him, trust him and believe in him.

What's sad to me is he truly believes these things about himself: he truly believes he's the most wonderful loving partner. And he truly believes he is honest and has the utmost integrity. He truly believes his father is a "great" father, despite the fact that he taught him to abuse women, to be racist and sexist. His father is an explosive, sexist, racist and abusive a-hole. And my husband mirrors his father.

My husband is completely deluded. I think he may be a narcissist. His ego seems to be very inflated and his view of himself is very inflated AND distorted.

Writing this out like this is very sobering.

Every morning I wake up and I am hit with a sobering reality that I must leave him. Then I hug and kiss him goodbye, as though everything is fine.

Forgive me if I didn’t read all your details. I read that he used your credit card after you told him not to, he did it again. That is a trust issue.

I’m curious why he used your cc. Did he max his out?

I believe in honest communication. I would, and I think a t would suggest, you talk about why he did that and how you are doing financially as a couple (because his debt is yours and vice versa when married)

The price change at Home Depot was low to do. I’d ask him, maybe in t, Why did he do it? Does he habitually? Did he hide that from you previously?

I agree his using your credit card after you said ‘no’ is a form of abuse. It’s disrespect and financial abuse. Maybe he thinks since you are married he has the right to do this, despite what you say? Um....I wouldn’t be able to live with a relationship like that, either. Hugs

What happened is he used my card a second time without asking me and charged another $300 on it. He didn’t tell me either and I found out through an email notification from the credit card company that there was a charge. He told me just recently that he knew it was wrong when he did it. And I said, you knew it was wrong yet you did it anyways??

I don’t trust him about anything now. He’s lied and has stretched or has omitted the truth too many times.

I cannot talk to him anymore. When confronted, he deflects, stonewalls, gaslights and takes NO responsibility. His actions do not match his words.

I’m happily divorcing him as soon as Is possible. He’s untrustworthy, toxic and abusive.

I’m glad you feel sure about what you want to do.

Yes, I am certain. But now I just lost the one job offer I had and I am stuck for God knows how long until I have a job so I can leave him.

This is a NIGHTMARE.

I’m sorry. . That’s the grim reality right now. You can’t leave yet. If you had been single, and lost your job, would you have been alright? For his help with bringing in money right now, he is a blessing (in spite of also being a nightmare).

Thanks for pointing out a silver lining.

I had been laid off before when I was single and living alone. I survived and remained living in my apartment. The same may not be true today, unless I were living in a far cheaper apartment, which I'm not. Those are unheard of.

When it comes to money, it’s a big concern for me, when a SO is being underhanded. I’ve had to deal with some things and may be very sensitive to the issue.

Have you done a credit check? You can do a free credit check with Equifax, Transunion, and one other company I forget the name.

If I were in your situation, I would do the credit report for myself and convince my h to do it for himself and show it to me. If he refuses, it’s a huge red flag because he may be hiding something...and that’s the reason I’d want to do the report, though I would tell him it’s to make sure everything is correct, which is a good reason to do the check tbh.

If he’s maxed out credit cards, or if he’s opened new ones you don’t know about, this will tell you.

To me, his using your cc, possibly goes beyond his just using yours for the $300. Could he have done worse you don’t know about?

I don’t think you would be unreasonably untrusting to do that after what he’s been doing.

Just my two cents.

Thanks, Tisha, but I'm not going to go down that road.

I have enough on my plate right now and cannot overload myself with fear, worry and paranoia that he's done worse.

I probably would know if he had done anything else anyways.

It happened to my sister in her first marriage. He had done things she didn’t know about, and she was responsible for the payments, when they divorced. That’s when she found out.

I understand you feel different about this than I do.

I’ve seen too many people get burned and won’t tolerate it happening to me. It’s not paranoia.

I understand and can appreciate that. I am not going to do a credit check, and I am choosing not to worry about such things right now. Please let's just drop it for now ok? I do appreciate the concerns, but I have far too much on my plate to worry about. I have no job, no income, I am depressed and anxious as all hell, I need a new therapist and I need to apply for jobs again. I just got rejected for a job that I thought I had in the bag. I am freaking out already. If he's done something that i don't know about, I will get a lawyer and will fight him on it.

I’m not insisting you do and understand how you feel.

How would you like to receive help for the title of this thread?

Thanks, Tisha.

You make a great point. I'm less worried about trust and am more concerned with a divorce. Maybe I'll close this thread since my other thread about divorce is much more relevant now.

Sometimes trust issues can be unfounded, but sometimes they are deserved. He’s been pretty untrustworthy with several things. I’m sorry you are having these difficulties with the job, the husband... wishing you the best!

Yes..... and thank you.... it's really tough right now.

Unfortunately you have to bide your time and keep peace. It will be hard because he baits you.

It IS hard and he DOES bait me. UGH.

Its true, but you have to be more optimistic when it comes to your husband. What is weird is the more trust you have in someone, and the more freedom you give them the more likely they are not to cheat. I know that personally.

Yes,... and I can see how that works. I am giving him trust in that department.