Trust issues with my husband - please help

So sorry you are going through all this, sounds beyond stressful. These are the hardest decisions. Are you able to get any space from your husband, to think things through? Could you stay somewhere else for a while?
I thought this might have helped my marriage, but was told point blank that it was over if I wasn't home every night. Your story about the bank card triggered me a little, as this is something that happened early on in my abusive relationship, and was explained away, but never sat right. I wondered later on how much he had been testing the waters...seeing what he could get away with. Really don't beat yourself up.
As you say, there are red and yellow flags, and it's a big decision, but also, have you considered what things you really DO want, and should expect to have in a marriage? I am sorry to say that it doesn't sound like you're being cherished. It sounds like you're putting an awful lot of work in, and getting little back, other placation and excuses, and if his favours demand reciprocation...then I wouldn't class them as favours, sounds more like coercion. Do correct me if I'm wrong. I am sure he is giving you a million reasons not to leave him, but you don't need a single good reason to stay or leave, and do not have to prove yourself or explain your decision to anyone. It might seem impossible to make a decision, but you are clearly giving this all a good amount of consideration, and whatever you feel you need to do, and decide to do, that's perfectly valid. Sending heaps of hope and well wishes

Thank you sooooo much for your post and for your caring and thoughtful words. Truly appreciated.

He's been pretty good over the last 3 months until just recently. There are many reasons for me to want to stay, and several reasons for me to want to leave.

Unfortunately, I am in no position to leave him (even if I wanted to) because I lost my job and am unemployed. Until I am employed again I don't even have a choice in the matter.

He does do a lot that shows he cherishes me in fact - and he shows me this on nearly a daily basis. I talk all about the bad things, but he does little things, like shower me with love and affection, he buys me flowers and says sweet nothings to me, or words showing his affections.

But there's no denying that he was abusive for the first 18 months of our marriage. He is working on improving all of these behaviors that I laid out to him, a couple of which reared again this past weekend and week.

So I really do not know what's going to happen right now. When I get really angry at him, I want a divorce. Then I back down because I get scared and I fear I don't really want a divorce. Hence, the internal conflicted emotions.

The credit card issue really bothered me. It hasn't happened since then.

And the fact of the matter is: I am currently stuck. I have got to get a job, which places even more pressure on myself.

I cant remember are you in therapy together?

Not yet. I had to change insurance companies twice recently so that has influenced us. We need to find one and soon.

What is wrong with him? He wakes you up in the middle of the night to get some sex from you? Sure he did some stuff too but it sounds like his expectation was that you have to do the same even though it’s middle of the night. And you are woken up. What’s his deal? He sounds immature.

Do you think you consume alcohol to help you deal with his inconsistent behaviors and all this drama? It’s not uncommon. It sounds stressful

I don’t think you not trusting him is just your issue. Whenever I didn't trust someone, I was always right about them: they weren’t trustworthy. I have no trust issues trusting trustworthy people. I suspect you’d trust trustworthy people too. I don’t think he’ll cheat but he doesn’t sound like a person you can rely on in life with 100% certainty. That’s maybe why your gut feelings tell you not to trust him

He's only done that one other time in the three years we've been together - so it's not frequent at all, but I agree that it annoyed me.

And yes, I've been drinking more lately to help me deal with all the stress as of late. I'm now going to curb it.

I don't know what my gut says - he hasn't been dishonest about anything else. But still, maybe I can never fully trust him based on these three instances. I do not know.

I wish I knew.

Hi

How are you today?

I do not have trust issues with my husband

He is often not available though even when he is at home, that's ok.. my ''family'' were almost never available when I was a cub.

as a result of that and other things..... i also have some trust issues at times.

good post - I also have a good gut instinct too... i have known a LOT of untrustworthy people so I am good at spotting red flags

I wonder why nobody replies to my posts in this section. No worries, I am probably doing something ''wrong''... slight sarcasm. I do not concern myself with the NUMBER of replies. what a waste of time worrying or obsessing about stuff like that. (NOT saying anyone here does that) If I have ONE person who somewhat gets me in a thread and no ''trolls'' that is usually ok

''nobody'' huh

and nobody took my bait

funny how some rush to my ''assistance'' just when i do NOT want THEIR input. Grrrr

(not anyone here)

Am just seeing your messages now. I’m at dinner. My husband is pretty much present and available. Just need to either get past the trust issues.. or not.

That's nice to know he is present and available.

I hope you are able to enjoy that, I would

I do! It’s very nice.

I hope you're able to benefit from all the advice here

Unfortunately I don't have time to read many posts due to my busy schedule.

Its very helpful yes.

@Fuzzybear, thanks for checking in on my thread. Sorry for my brief posts. I was posting from my phone last night, and it's just not the same. No emojis on my phone, or I'm not adept at figuring that out on my phone.

Hugs to you.

hey @Have Hope: I hope you stopped beating yourself up about drinking too much. We've all done it. Heck during the height of my alcoholism it was bad but I cant carry that monkey on my back anymore. Neither should you. I feel like you may sometimes feel like you have to be perfect but you dont. You are allowed weak moments and mistakes.

@sarahsweets, thank you soo much. I am not beating myself up AS much as I was, though I still am a little bit. I AM perfectionistic. I have a LOT of trouble when I make a mistake. And this was a huge mistake. I totally unravelled.

I called someone the night I was drunk and that person unfriended me from Facebook as a result. This is a man who was not that great of a person to begin with. But I must have gone off on him or said something offensive to him because he unfriended me.

I am trying to not let this hurt me too much because as I said, he's actually kind of a total sleazebag... he cheats on every single woman he's been with and admitted to me that he's very sneaky about it. Lord knows WHY I called HIM of ALL people to talk to that night. Apparently I called everyone I know. DOH!

Yeah, so I messed up big time and yeah, I feel a LOT of remorse over it.

But, that being said, I am trying to find compassion for myself right now over what I am going through. It's a most challenging time, far beyond COVID. And whenever I've gone off the deep end like this, it means I've been pushed beyond my limits. So I am trying to find compassion for myself over being pushed too far and for unravelling because of that.

I am right there with you.. I too can relate and I too am taking therapy as well . It has not been easy because he triggers those moments and I automatically assume he’s cheating. Which I know he is not. Which takes time and yet he has to be tho one willing to show you and gain your trust again. Also communicating is a big part too. To gain trust.

@Diaz2020, thank you for your post. I am very sorry to hear you go through something similar.

It's SO hard isn't it? I already had trust issues from past relationships, then my husband broke my trust on three occasions, and I assume that means he will also betray me and cheat on me because others have.

I know my husband is NOT cheating right now, but because he's lied before, I think what else will he lie to me about??

And he INSISTS he would never EVER cheat on me - but I've heard that one before from a pathologically lying ex who then cheated on me!

This makes it nearly impossible for me to trust my husband.

I gave that ex the benefit of the doubt over incidents that had occurred that should have been red flags, and I worry that if I also give my husband the benefit of the doubt despite these three instances, that I will then get seriously hurt down the road and resentful and kicking myself for overlooking red flags, IF they ARE red flags and indicators of trouble ahead.

My individual therapy IS helping ME at least a bit on this issue, but we've GOT to get into couples therapy.

I've got to tackle this issue of trust with him in therapy or else we will never make it and it will always be an issue for me/us. Or, perhaps trust is now forever broken and it can never be mended - ever.

I hope you can resolve your issue too.... it's not an easy one to tackle.