Trust issues with my husband - please help

There seems to be too many red flags and your distrust in HIM is valid. Cheating on someone isn't a conversation you have by "promising" you'd "never cheat". That, alone, is a red flag. I've never cheated on anyone in my life. I don't have to promise my partner anything. It's just not a "me" thing to do.

I don't think there's anything he'll be able to do to rebuild that trust in you. He has tendencies that one would be concerned about, not just you. We all have a "good" side. It's really more about how low we allow our "dark" side to lead us. So far, he's gone pretty low.

Thanks, although I don't think it's a red flag that he promised he will never cheat. He knows it's my greatest fear, and we've had many different conversations about it.

And I don't know if I can work past the mistrust I have in him right now. It's a question mark. I am working on it to see if I can get past it. Right now, it's an unknown. Everything is unknown right now.

I am not in a right frame of mind. My mistrust has grown and is causing me to do things.

I went into his Facebook and found a porn like woman "following" my husband (her profile and cover photo images were porn like). I couldn't see that they were friends, but she "followed" him. She lives in London. Then I looked at her page, and the pictures all were very different from the porn like photos; they were of different people who looked nothing like this woman. I asked him about it, so he went into his settings to block her and several others he said he didn't know who were following him. Turns out his follows setting was set to public, so anyone could follow him.

Then after he adjusted all his privacy settings, I discovered that his friends list was made private, so I could not see his friends list. I made a comment about this too, he got upset with me for snooping, but changed the setting to friends so that all his friends can see his friends list, including myself.

But both raised an eyebrow and questions for me. Why did he change the setting of his friends list to private so that only HE could see it? And how and why was this porn woman from London following my husband? Had he followed her? Was his Instagram connected to his Facebook?

This morning he did not blow up at me, but he gave me a lecture saying I am making him sick with all my snooping and questioning of him. He practically blamed me for his physical problems right now, saying they're due to all the recent stress. He also told me my questioning of him cannot go on or else we're going to have a serious problem.

I am at a loss. I'm afraid I will never trust him again and that it's over. He says he is sick over it, and I feel like I am becoming sick.

I am becoming someone I don't wish to be.

Either I change what I am doing and how I am thinking or this does need to be over.

And I cannot end this relationship until I have secured employment so one of us can move out.

It's common to block friends' access to your friends list. I've done it. Who I'm connected to is private to me. I'm also not interested in the numbers game so I bow out. He may have blocked this to prevent potential issues. You read it as him being secretive. He corrected it again for you so maybe try not to over-read this one.

The trouble with dishonesty is that when one tells a truth, we don't find certainty in it. Your husband has dug a hole for himself and although he's sick of these questions, it's truly a part of the package when we're dishonest.

The bottom line here is, you don't trust him. Damage is done. Let go of the what-ifs and the snooping and focus on an exit plan. It's hard, I know. You can't change him or your feelings about him. If this was strictly due to your previous relationship issues, then this would be all on you. These feelings though, were brought on by HIS actions and you need to keep reminding yourself that. Sorry for my direct approach.

Thanks for your thoughts. I do appreciate directness sometimes.

I just emailed a couples therapist. I am not ready to walk away yet until we see a counselor first. So much is invested in this marriage, and I need to be 100% sure before I walk away.

Yes, he has eroded the trust and has dug a hole. You're absolutely correct. He cannot tolerate me not trusting him and questioning him, when I feel I have that right to do exactly that.

We need a third party intervention, ie a therapist.

What I question about the Facebook is he changed his privacy settings yesterday and opted for total privacy of his friends list, including from me. That makes me mistrust him even more. What is he hiding, if anything, is the question it raises.

And yes, I may never be able to trust him again based on the few instances of broken trust. This is very very possible at this juncture, and I am trying to wrap my brain around accepting this reality right now. It's SO difficult.

Thinking of ending my marriage is like the end of the world in my mind right now.

I am not a jealous person or have any kind of trust issues and my husband is not dishonest BUT if he had porn looking women following him (why?) or had private lists of friends I’d have an issue. I do think privacy is important but this is fishy. I don’t have any friends I don’t want my husband to know about, neither does he. What’s up with that

I think marriage therapy is a good idea but I have to say that end of marriage isn’t the end of the world whatsoever even if it feels like it is. It is not. I fact in many instances it’s the beginning, not the end.

On Facebook, it's a click of a button to block access to your friends list. My guess is, he just shut it off, which included you.. simply by default. Mine is still off and has been for years, so I'm not sure if the settings have changed with this.

I'll be honest, I don't like this guy, but I don't think he blocked your access to hide something. I don't think he put a lot of thought into anything and was just trying to make you "happy" by disconnecting himself from these followers.

Having said that, there's usually a reason why someone would follow someone. I don't really understand this feature if you're not on a friends list. What access do you get from clicking the follow button of someone you're not friends with? Was it just this one person (I can't remember)? I find it odd that a stranger would randomly do this by looking at a stranger's profile photo.

I'm on overload. I just had a third interview with a company and am a nervous wreck.

I don't know what to make of the Facebook stuff. I really don't. My husband has good traits too - he can be the most loving, giving and kind person. Everyone who meets him loves him to death. But he has a dark side, too.

And I won't know for a while if I can get past these trust issues.

I called a couples therapist who won't take my case because there's been abuse. He called back and left a message telling me that since there's been abuse, I should just leave. Awesome. He won't even work with us. That's not helpful. I need someone who is willing to work with us.

Maybe when you call therapists don’t tell them you were abused. Tell them you have a number of issues. They are probably don’t want to get involved in case you are in danger. Plus abuse can’t be fixed. It’s not recommended for couple in abusive marriage to go to therapy together.

Communication difficulty or having difficulty find common ground on some topics could be improved. Abusive marriage is abusive marriage and it won’t stop being that. They don’t want to waste yours and their time doing therapy with people in abusive marriages. In this case individual therapy is recommended

So I am not saying you should lie but I doubt any therapist would do couple therapy if there’s abuse

We shall see. I feel that being honest is best since we need to discuss his abusive traits and past abuse. I will see. I called a couple more therapists and left messages.

Tell them the truth in regards to issues you have and things he does. Don’t lie. But call it something else if you really do want therapy. Then share more in session. If you call and say my husband is abusive, I can’t imagine them wanting two of you sitting in the room doing therapy. Therapists are afraid it will cause more harm and it often does

I wouldn't read too much into the Facebook follow. When I used Facebook I didn't realize anyone could just follow if this wasn't set to private, and there are some people who just follow lots and lots of people, as someone else said it is a numbers game for some people. I can't remember if you've said...are you getting therapy for yourself?

It is a shame that the couples therapist wouldn't take you on, but also understandable, as if there is an abusive dynamic they could be made a player in that dynamic...I'm not sure of a better way to put that.

Good luck with the job search!

Do you get support from anyone outside of your marriage? It does seem that you have an awful lot riding on the success of your marriage, and it's unfortunate, but true that you can't ensure the success of your marriage...it really wouldn't be your fault if you had to leave.

Hmmm.... Ok thanks for the tip.

Thank you. I agree about the Facebook follow. I'm not going to read into it.

I am in therapy for myself, yes. I've had to speak with my therapist twice last week and it will be twice this week.

I'm angry that the one couples therapist wouldn't see us. Why not? They just don't want to deal with it.

I do get support from my family and friends outside my marriage. So that's good. But COVID has isolated me more and I feel more alone than ever and isolated with my husband.

It's just not good at all right now. I'm having a tough time with thinking that on top of everything this year, my marriage may need to end during COVID too.

Somehow all kind of bad things keep happening during covid besides covid. Like one bad thing after another in many peoples lives. 2020 is truly horrid in that sense

I agree with this.

Abusers are often skilled manipulators that can use a therapist's word against their victims.. and use it as documentation, if it were ever to get legally involved. So for that, be careful.

I'm curious what advice your counselor has given you?

Like you, I got physical with my husband last week. While drunk. And I called the police. I could have been arrested, but he didn't press charges. I tried to grab his phone from his pocket. This was the only time in three years that this has happened. Otherwise, it's all been him (never getting physical with me).

Could that be used against me in couples therapy? How can that be used against me legally if it's discussed in therapy?

I would need to explain to the therapist that that was an anomaly in my behavior - that it was a first and only time in nearly three years that I had behaved that way. Whereas with my husband, he had been abusive towards me for the first 18 months of our marriage on and off, but consistently, yelling at me numerous times.

It can’t be used legally if he isn’t pressing charges.

I think MsLady means whatever is being said in therapy session could be twisted and manipulated to portray you in certain way and a therapist will be made a witness of it.

I see - that makes sense. And I would make sure that doesn't happen by detailing events of him being abusive towards me.

WOW - just talked to my parents. My father asked what I have done to contribute to this environment of abuse! WTF???????? That's victim blaming, as though I have provoked the abuse from my husband. BS! I have done nothing but love my husband. I hate that my father just said this. Right now, I hate my father. We have issues.

My husband may have been provoked to be angry at me because I question him a lot of the time, but that is NO excuse or reason for him to then start yelling at me, raging at me and abusing me, calling me names and insulting me. I'm speaking of his past behaviors, not recent.