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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 12:43 PM
  #81
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Well then it sounds like you have a great marriage and you are both very happy. It just doesn’t match what you post about being frequently upset and unsatisfied in your marriage. What causes frequent fights that now escalate to police being called then if things are good. Something just isn’t right. What is it?

Some of the things you posted are cute but that’s pretty much what everyone does in a relationship. Cuddling and baby talk and giving you a kiss is a normal thing that everyone does in a relationship.

What makes him a good partner for life? How reliable, consistent and trustworthy is he?
You tend to think in black and white terms, Divine. I do not. I have been both happy and unhappy in this marriage. It is not a black and white issue in my mind. There's lots of room for grays, but you don't think in those terms, so perhaps i's harder for you to understand.

I've never said I'm completely happy and satisfied -- there have been some serious issues to contend with.

But I am in NO position to leave him right now. We are going to see a couples therapist to see if we can work things out... or not.

I don't know if I can fully trust him again right now at this juncture. I've stated several times now that everything is uncertain for me.

I also come from the perspective that since he has been willing to make positive changes, that maybe I should give him a chance.

I agree that calling the police is not a good sign. That was MY doing. I did that because i was wasted. I am totally responsible for what went down that night. I cracked. So be it. Pick up and move on.

And the things that make OUR relationship special to ME? I've never experienced so much cuddling in my entire life, nor baby talk. This to me is a rarity. I don't think that happens in every relationship, as you claim. You make it seem like that isn't a special thing.

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 12:50 PM
  #82
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It's not so black and white, Divine. He is a great husband in many ways. He has been a terrible husband in other ways. As you can see from my list of positives, that's a lot of positives.

Yes, I've had serious complaints. But this is not a black and white issue. There are gray areas. It's complicated, from my perspective. And my emotions around it are complex.

Your marriage happens to be perfect. You are very lucky. Most marriages I've heard of, or most married couples really have to work at it and have problems. You're lucky that in your marriage, you haven't had many problems between you. That's very rare. But I am 50 and from what I know, most people and marriages have issues.
I don’t think my marriage is perfect but true that it doesn’t have issues. It’s nothing to do with luck. I’ve met all kind of men many of whom weren’t marriage material, I just wouldn’t marry them. It’s not about luck. It’s just who you marry

I think the point isn’t about how other marriages are but if you are content and happy. If you are content and happy then it’s no ones business how your marriage is. But you just don’t sound satisfied and happy. I can ensure you not everyone is that stressed and unhappy in their marriages. I was stressed in my previous marriage too and so was my ex, we are now married to much better matches and we aren’t stressed and unsatisfied.

You only have one life. If you don’t want to get divorced then something has to give. You might have to accept how things are
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 12:57 PM
  #83
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You only have one life. If you don’t want to get divorced then something has to give. You might have to accept how things are
Right now, I do not know. We are going to see a counselor.

Then it will be decided, one way or another.

It's not a matter of accepting things how they are; it's a matter of working on the issues together and moving forward together.

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 01:02 PM
  #84
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You tend to think in black and white terms, Divine. I do not. I have been both happy and unhappy in this marriage. It is not a black and white issue in my mind. There's lots of room for grays, but you don't think in those terms, so perhaps i's harder for you to understand.

I've never said I'm completely happy and satisfied -- there have been some serious issues to contend with.

But I am in NO position to leave him right now. We are going to see a couples therapist to see if we can work things out... or not.

I don't know if I can fully trust him again right now at this juncture. I've stated several times now that everything is uncertain for me.

I also come from the perspective that since he has been willing to make positive changes, that maybe I should give him a chance.

I agree that calling the police is not a good sign. That was MY doing. I did that because i was wasted. I am totally responsible for what went down that night. I cracked. So be it. Pick up and move on.

And the things that make OUR relationship special to ME? I've never experienced so much cuddling in my entire life, nor baby talk. This to me is a rarity. I don't think that happens in every relationship, as you claim. You make it seem like that isn't a special thing.
Baby talk and cuddling is great, I love it too, who doesn’t, but why do you think it’s a rarity. I don’t know what type of men you dated before but that’s what people do in romantic relationships. They cuddle and baby talk or do other love talk. How did other men express their affection to you? I am not saying it’s not wonderful. It is. But I just don’t see how it outweighs all other drama as most men in loving relationship will do all those things too AND there will be no drama.

Again of course give it a try with therapy and of course you should try to improve it. I m not saying you should get divorced. I just feel bad for you dealing with that much stress and now it causes you problems with interviewing for a job. Your marriage should be your safe harbor in this job search process. It shouldn’t be additional stress in your life.
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 01:06 PM
  #85
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Baby talk and cuddling is great, I love it too, who doesn’t, but why do you think it’s a rarity. I don’t know what type of men you dated before but that’s what people do in romantic relationships. They cuddle and baby talk or do other love talk. How did other men express their affection to you? I am not saying it’s not wonderful. It is. But I just don’t see how it outweighs all other drama as most men in loving relationship will do all those things too AND there will be no drama.

Again of course give it a try with therapy and of course you should try to improve it. I m not saying you should get divorced. I just feel bad for you dealing with that much stress and now it causes you problems with interviewing for a job. Your marriage should be your safe harbor in this job search process. It shouldn’t be additional stress in your life.
Hey Divine. You know I appreciate your posts and YOU personally and think of you dearly. Right now, I don't feel like being challenged though. I'm challenged enough, and I don't need to be additionally challenged on here.

And thanks for your sympathies. It's been a most stressful ride, I will agree. And the relationship may end, for all I know. It may end, or it may improve. I'm looking to counseling to help me determine this either way.

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 01:13 PM
  #86
Hope you get a good couples counselor. You deserve peace. I care about you and I do get frustrated on your behalf if things aren’t smooth for you. Try to relax over the weekend and take your mind of things, do something fun. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Tough times will be over.
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 01:15 PM
  #87
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Hope you get a good couples counselor. You deserve peace. I care about you and I do get frustrated on your behalf if things aren’t smooth for you. Try to relax over the weekend and take your mind of things, do something fun. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Tough times will be over.
Thank you. I really appreciate your caring. Very much!

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 01:27 PM
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 01:36 PM
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Thanks for the link, though it's a broken link.

I do know some about trauma bonding. I don't think that's what's happening here though. I genuinely love my husband. It's not a trauma bond. And if he abuses again I am leaving him. Period.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Oct 22, 2020 at 02:09 PM..
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 02:11 PM
  #90
Good news is: I am a step closer to a potential job offer. Final interview was offered today, now with the company owner, scheduled for tomorrow. I am thrilled. If I can resolve this one problem now, I will feel much more empowered to potentially leave my husband, if need be.

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 03:22 PM
  #91
Good news!!! Good luck!!!!
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 03:27 PM
  #92
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Good news!!! Good luck!!!!
Thanks!!!! It's the best news I've had in a long time!!!

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 05:04 PM
  #93
Good news about the job interview. I hope it works out for you.

I've been reading through this thread and parts of it feel familiar to me.

You and your husband definitely have some major issues to work through. Problems rising to the level of abuse and police involvement are far beyond what is usual in a secure relationship.

I do hope you and your husband can find a therapist who can help you work through your individual issues that are creating marital issues. Marriage shouldn't look like what you describe. That doesn't sound like it feels safe or secure.

I say all this as someone who has been married 33 years, and it has certainly not been smooth sailing all the way through. I'd say my husband and I were on the brink of divorce about 10 years ago, but our marriage now is much more secure and safe and a place of contentment now than it has ever been. So, it IS possible to get beyond this, BUT it will take both you and your husband being open to working on your issues individually that creep in and contaminate your marriage jointly. Both parties generally have work to do; you got where you are together and you can only get beyond it together.

My husband came from a background of abandonment and for him, trusting me to not abandon him was his part of the marital problems. He was regularly suspicious about the most minor things; he made accusations (all unfounded); he expected me to fill holes in his soul that were really beyond my power to fill.

But I tried to keep him happy, to keep him from being suspicious, to fill that void; and the more I tried, it seemed the more he lashed out. In our case there was no physical abuse, but there definitely was an aspect of emotional abuse or blackmail ("you need to do this to prove that or I'm leaving" kind of stuff).

I had my own issues of past abuse. In my case, my protection was to keep a physical distance, to close off my emotions - that was my "control" over flashbacks and anxiety and depression. And that kind of personal protection, which wasn't healthy for me, fed his anxieties and suspicions. It was a vicious cycle - a crazy dance we were stuck in.

The mix was difficult in our marriage. We have always loved each other deeply and were dedicated to the sanctity and lasting survival of our relationship and our family. It took both of us individually working with a therapist on our own issues to learn how to not project them onto each other. It took each of us taking responsibility for our own part in that complicated dysfunctional dance we had created in order for us to stop that craziness and get real with each other.

We learned appropriate communication, respect for personal boundaries (his and mine), proactive planning and problem solving rather than reactive emotional purging. And we came out of it in much stronger shape than we ever were before.

But it does take a commitment from both parties and a willingness to accept personal responsibility for your own stuff - both of you.

I will say some of the things that you write about as problems seem odd. My husband and I have always had shared accounts. We've never had his money and my money, his bills and my bills, his retirement and my retirement -- it's all ours . . . because we are in this for the long haul - together. I know that may be sort of old fashioned but we honestly never even thought about keeping that kind of thing separate. And even if we did keep those separate, I cannot imagine keeping that information separate/secret from each other. Transparency with each other is just another aspect of trust and of "family" I guess for us.

I hope you and your husband can commit to walking through the process of reclaiming your marriage as a healthy relationship again. But if either of you is not fully committed to owning and making whatever changes, growth, etc. is needed, then it might not work. Truly, best wishes for both of you in whatever fashion you decide to proceed. Marital disharmony is so incredibly stressful and painful. I hope you can come out healthier in whatever way to decide to work this.
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 05:29 PM
  #94
@ArtleyWilkins, thank you for your thoughts and input! And thanks on the job front.

I really appreciate hearing your personal story in detail, which in fact, give me hope for my own situation.

I didn't marry until late in life. I've been independent and single for a very long time. Having separate accounts was my desire and need. My husband also proved to be a big spender, so I refused to have joint accounts. Nothing is secretive though. It's just the way we've set things up and the way I personally wanted things to be. I personally don't find it strange at all. However, I am under his health insurance, and previously, he was on mine. I also co-signed a car lease for him. We are tied financially in this way.

He became abusive right before we married and then thereafter. I was going to leave him very early on, but I did not have the financial means- this is another reason for our separate accounts and finances. But I still decided to co sign a car lease for him over a year ago, despite what was going on. Don't ask.

Your insights are valuable to me. I think (hope) that with both of us working at this, that we can make it Therapy is certainly necessary at this juncture. We need to address some serious issues.

Thanks again. Hugs to you, and I am glad you and your spouse were able to work it all out and get stronger and better together.

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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 08:40 PM
  #95
Good luck!! 😊
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Default Oct 23, 2020 at 05:27 AM
  #96
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Good luck!! 😊
Thank you!!

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Default Oct 24, 2020 at 06:09 AM
  #97
So, I've had trouble trusting my husband, right? And that includes around other women, even though he's really given me no reason to not trust him around other women.

Well, he has to work today with a new female co-worker, just the two of them all day long. He claims she is "pretty" but heavy in weight.

I've been bringing him lunch periodically at work since I am not working and can. So last night I offered to bring him lunch today while he's working, and his reply was, "sure, I don't give a s-h-i-t".

I was SO hurt by this comment. Then he claims he didn't mean it the way it sounded. He claims he thought I silently meant that I wanted to check up on him and this new woman he works with. He claims he meant it that way.

I don't know what to think of what he claims he meant, but I'm angry over it and think it was a cruel comment to make when I'm simply offering to bring him lunch. I don't give a s-h-i-t? I told him, fine, next time you offer to buy me flowers, I will say to you "sure, I don't give a s-h-i-t". It made me feel like he doesn't care about me at all.

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Default Oct 24, 2020 at 06:20 AM
  #98
It sure does sound dismissive to me. I wonder if you could re-visit the comment when he seems more receptive to hearing how you feel about it? Do you think if you sat down and wrote out how you feel objectively and either read it to him or had him read it woud that help? Sometimes just heearing our partners voice automatically closes some people down. I wonder if he was able to digest what you fellt without you saying it if he would be more receptive?

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Default Oct 24, 2020 at 06:29 AM
  #99
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It sure does sound dismissive to me. I wonder if you could re-visit the comment when he seems more receptive to hearing how you feel about it? Do you think if you sat down and wrote out how you feel objectively and either read it to him or had him read it woud that help? Sometimes just heearing our partners voice automatically closes some people down. I wonder if he was able to digest what you fellt without you saying it if he would be more receptive?

@sarahsweets, thanks.

I expressed this morning over text to him (just now) that it made me feel like he could care less about me.

He called to talk about it and tells me how much he loves and adores me, he apologized again for his comment and told me he didn't mean it that way.

I still don't feel good.

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Default Oct 24, 2020 at 06:36 AM
  #100
I shouldn't be putting up with such types of comments. And when I told him how rude it was last night when we talked about it? He told me that I'm too sensitive, then throws into the mix that I called the police on him.

What's worse is I don't think this job will work out that I just interviewed for, which makes me stuck in this relationship.

I feel like crying.

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