Trust issues with my husband - please help

I am having a meltdown. I've had three interviews with a company so far, and no response back from them yet after I submitted some materials/work of mine to review mid afternoon yesterday.

Everything in my marriage rests on my getting a job. If I have to leave him, I need a job and SOON.

I've emailed many couples counselors so far and am waiting to see if I can secure one who is attuned to domestic abuse issues.

My anxiety is through the roof. I already took one anti-anxiety pill and may need to take another.

My husband is acting like the adoring husband again. He almost seemed pleased and happy that he was able to put his foot down with me about all my questioning yesterday morning. He spouted off on me, saying it MUST STOP, or else we're not going to be happy together. When he came home from work later, he was in a better mood than I had seen him in a while. I wondered why he's in such good spirits, when his back is causing him enormous pain. Maybe he just had a good day at work.

I am not well. My brain is not well.

You're right that it is no excuse, and there is no excuse. It's true that you're a victim of his behaviour, and in my opinion...sorry this is harsh to say, but you are making yourself a victim as long as you stay, and when you leave the abusive relationship, then you are a survivor of abuse. I would like to think that your husband would be able to see the harm he has done, and somehow repair the damage, but I do believe that as long as you stay with him, there will be an abusive dynamic that you will be made to feel responsible for. You might be acting irrationally sometimes, and have issues that make you anxious and vulnerable, but from what you have said, you are taking responsibility for your behaviour, where as your husband is blaming you for his stress. Did he blame you for his aggression too?
It is clearly overwhelming, but there are people that understand the dynamics of abuse that will want to help you get safely out of this situation. I didn't have any help getting out, initially. I was supported by a friend who I told about the abuse only months after I left, then I found out she had suffered the same. I moved into my family home at first, and suffered abuse there. That was when I started being more open, asking for help, and got help to get a place of my own, a job to pay the bills etc.
It could be a long, hard process, but I really think that you deserve some peace of mind that you won't get with the threat of abuse in your life.

@KBMK, I understand where you're coming from, though you may have missed posts (important ones) about developments in my marriage around the abuse in other threads of mine.

I was going to divorce him back in July because of it. I told him so, ie, I am divorcing you, and he asked me why. We then had a four-hour long conversation about his abuse towards me. He listened, he absorbed it, he apologized and took FULL ownership of all of it, for the first time ever. Previously, when I had confronted him about his abuse, he would become defensive and would accuse ME of being the abuser. Well, during this 4 hour long conversation, that was not the case. He owned up. And since then, he has made great strides in changing all the behaviors I pointed out to him in July that were abusive to me.

I do worry that the abuse may resurface, as I am well aware that he could simply be on his best behavior right now and that abuse is typically cyclical.

I want to go to a couples counselor before deciding to part ways. I want to give this relationship every chance. It's a marriage after all, and I took my vows seriously. It's a big deal in my life to have to divorce him, meaning it will be a huge upheaval.

When we had that conversation back in July, he swore up and down the river how much he loves me and how much he doesn't want to lose me.

I get that he loves me.... and I still love him. BUT, that being said, I know where my lines are drawn, and IF the abuse resurfaces, I will have NO choice but to leave him.

But I want to give therapy a chance first.

I do not view myself as a current victim. And I do not see myself as perpetuating the abuse. I WILL leave him if it returns. And I know this. But right now, while I am unemployed, I have no way to leave him.

On the other hand, I may just end up divorcing him before we even make it to therapy. I realized today that he opened my retirement income mail without asking me if he could. Then he told me how much I have in there. So was he trying to assess how much he could get from me if we divorce? I don't think he was shredding mail at the time, which would make more sense regarding why he may open my mail.

deleted.

I don’t see why anyone would judge you. A man did drugs on his wedding day, illegal drugs he bought with his bride’s money without her permission isn’t something most people would defend. No one would judge you.

Him opening your mail without permission is not cool. I open my husbands mail because he has aversion to opening mail but it is something we discussed and that’s the only way his mail gets open on time. Having said that, I’d expect him to already know how much money you have. Typically it’s not a secret in marriage. It shouldn’t ever be a secret. It’s not something spouses should hide if they are in a legal unionI think it’s concerning that there is lack of transparency in this marriage on both sides. It sends a red flag that you both aren’t open with each other. But yeah why is he just opening it without a discussion, weird

Oh he can’t get much from you, you haven’t been married long enough but he could (If he asks) get half of what was contributed to retirement account from the day you married until now.

I deleted that post.

Well my point was that he opened my important financial mail without asking. He knows I have very little retirement. I think he wanted to know how much in case we divorce.

He is ridiculous. Would he really ask for your money from a retirement account, after a year and half of marriage? That’s just asinine. You have a lot of patience with him. I hope you get that therapist quick.

Your financial profile, prior to your relationship, has nothing to do with him. He's not entitled to that information, despite your marriage. If he was stealing from you on your wedding night, I can understand why there's no transparency in this relationship. You're in protective mode and should be. You've mentioned a lot about him wanting to spend your money. I worry that is what he's been after since he is/was bankrupt.

I'm not sure why you're now unemployed (I've been away for a few months) but it could be why he's coming off empowered by you now. He knows you're at a disadvantage and need him.

You were physical with him? I bet he loved it and will hang it over your head for the rest of this relationship, undoubtedly. Take my incident, for example (since you brought it up).. I didn't hurt him, push him, or have any INTENT to hurt him. I merely leaned into him to get him out the room, which was only 2 steps away.. and did so unsuccessfully. Now I'm deemed to be physically abusive towards HIM. Good news for him because now he has a "story" to tell. The fact that your husband didn't press charges is good but there's still a police report.. a paper trail.

This isn't love. I'm sorry to say. If you're not planning an exit plan, maybe he is. If you don't get this job or get yourself financially secure again, I worry you'll be no use to him anymore and will take all that's left from your portfolio he can get. If you leave now, you may qualify for spousal support from him.. if his bankruptcy will allow it.

I really don't know why he opened my mail. I am just conjecturing and am suspicious of it.

If he wanted to leave this relationship, he would tell me so. I know this much. And he does love me. He tells me this every day.

It's complicated. He can also be very loving and sweet. He hasn't been abusive since July when I told him I was divorcing him. I believe he wants this to work. He says he'll go to couples therapy with me.

But yes, he must feel more empowered now that I tried to grab his phone from his pocket and since I called the police totally drunk. Yet, I have many more incidents from him being abusive to tell on my side of the story that outweigh my crime. And if he tries to paint it to a therapist that I am the abusive one? I will clear that up immediately. This was ONE time on my end - an aberration in my own behavior - I had finally cracked --- yet there were dozens of incidents caused by HIM.

I lost my job in July. I was laid off, so I am looking for work. And. yes, that does make me more dependent on him.

I don't know why he opened my mail, and it was several weeks ago now, but I am suspicious. Maybe he would try to go after my retirement funds if we divorced. He can be vengeful. I know this about him. He knew I had very little. I didn't even know how much I had in that account until he told me so.

It's also possible that he opened my mail to determine whether it should be shredded or not. He did shred a bunch of mail, but not on that day, I don't think.

As far as wanting to spend my money? He grew up in a family of millionaires. He grew up very wealthy AND spoiled. His parents supported him financially until he was 32 years old!!!! He is used to living a high lifestyle and acted very spoiled for a lot of our relationship in the beginning. I have taught him how to budget FAR better though, and he's gotten better about living within our means, for the most part. But yes, a year ago or so he acted very spoiled when it came to money and spending my own money.

He has told me previously that he'll always let me know if there's a problem in the relationship on his end. He hasn't said anything about wanting to split up and certainly acts as though he wants to keep our marriage in tact.

It's more so me on my end. I'm uncertain. I have no way to get myself financially secure again without a job, so I am stuck until I can get a job. How would I accomplish being financially secure otherwise? Everything resides on my getting some income back in through employment.

And I'm afraid I've lost out on an opportunity for which I interviewed three times. No word from them in one full day, and they've usually followed up almost immediately.

Did you ask him? There might be an explanation? Sometimes we just look at the last name and might not check the first name and open wrong mail then we just say “oh it wasn’t even mine!”. I’d not make conjectures. I’d just ask.

No doubt he loves you. But it’s neither here nor there. I once was in a relationship with alcoholic who likely still loves me but he still drinks and I am now living happy life without unnecessary stress. Love doesn’t conquer all. Not saying you have to leave him but it just sounds so stressful.

He cannot get your retirement funds. He could get a half of what you put in since you’ve got married. If you weren’t putting anything in now then whatever pre marital funds are yours. He can’t take something you had before you met.

I hope job comes through but keep applying and interviewing until you get formal offer.

It's too late to ask him about it now. He will interpret it as me questioning him again, and it will not lead to anything good right now.

Right now, I want to maintain the peace. I cannot take anymore stress. Things have been calm and normal between us since this weekend, and I'd like to keep it that way.

It has been generally very stressful though. I agree with you.

If he can only get half of what I've put into my retirement since we married, it won't be very much.

I am still contacting couples therapists. No real luck there yet.

I will apply next week again for jobs. I don't have it in me to do anymore more this week. It's almost the weekend anyways. I interviewed on Monday and Tuesday, and that took a lot out of me.

Abusers typically don't want to end a relationship. Their victims are like a life line to them, they're unable to. If they do end it, it's usually for financial gains. I'm not suggesting this is or is not your husband. Just putting it out there so please take care of you.

I'm unclear about the level of abuse you've endured from him. I think you mentioned yelling, gaslighting, and personal theft.. and even that is heavy. The dishonesty is a big one, too. So I'm not sure what's motivating him, yet, but so far, there's a lot of red flags. You deserve to FEEL loved.. not just hear it and see it, conditionally.

Keeping the peace is a great idea. No amount of over-analyzing is going to give you that clarity. Uncertainty is part of the abuse and sadly, you'll likely forever feel uncertain about things. It definitely gives him power over you.

Big hugs to you, Hope

Thanks, although I think you're jumping to some incorrect conclusions and have some of the facts wrong.

There was no personal theft. He used my credit card for a second time without asking me for permission. He had permission to use it once for a $300 charge; then the same night, he charged another $300 without asking if it was OK, however, with the knowledge that he was paying me back in full (the full $600) within a matter of a week or two. He knows it was wrong to do, and admits it. But this was not stealing.

I also never mentioned gaslighting.

He has yelled and raged at me in the past; he has blamed me for all our fights when he was the one starting each fight by yelling; he has insulted me during these fights; he has gone into complete denial whenever I confronted him on having an anger/rage problem and/or on being abusive towards me; he has been controlling towards me, and sometimes belittling with mean so called "jokes".

All of that has stopped though and has not repeated itself since July. He is making a sincere effort to change. Everything I mentioned to him about his abusive behavior, he has now modified. And I was very detailed in my description to him of each behavior that was problematic and abusive.

He also has nothing financially to gain from me. I have no retirement funds. The amount I have is $10K and that is all. Very very little. We've been married less than two years - what can he possibly get from me? He almost makes as much in salary as I was recently making. There's nothing for him to really gain here. So again, I think you're jumping to conclusions, though. you did say this may or may not be my husband.

I'm honestly surprised by your responses since you have held onto great hope for change within your own partner. I would think you would be more positive and encouraging regarding my marriage and what I face with my husband wanting to make more positive changes.

I feel like you're painting a most dismal picture based on what most abusers are like. Perhaps my situation is a bit unique - perhaps. I am still holding onto some amount of hope.

Like I said, there's a lot that is lovable about him. I know you don't personally like him based on what I've described. But he can be the most endearing and lovable person. A girlfriend of mine who met him for the 1st time just recently told me she simply adores him. He has many positive traits. I only write about the bad on here in order to get some support around it, but there's much that is also positive.

It doesn’t strike me as a content relationship when both parties are comfortable to address whatever needs to be addressed without fears and without it going into a vicious fight. I don’t understand being afraid to ask a spouse why he opened my mail. I do understand wanting to keep peace but this isn’t a battle field or a power struggle set up. It should be easy enough. I don’t think it’s healthy to worry and be suspicious about what your spouse does and why and not be able to directly address it. It’s too stressful

It sounds like he has charisma and is being liked by others. It’s good. But it’s nothing to do with your marriage. Some people are great friends and employees and are great on a dance floor and a bar but not great husbands. He might be very endearing but you had a long list of pretty consistent complaints and grievances about your husband and your marriage in general, which isn’t typical for a new or in fact any marriage. And these aren’t minor complaints that you husband forgets to wash dishes. These are serious complaints. If things were good and satisfying, you’d not have these complaints. You’d be content

Maybe I should let everyone here know of the positives and why I am holding onto some hope here. Maybe that would help?

-He often treats me like a princess. He regularly buys me beautiful fresh flowers because he knows I love flowers, he takes care of me in various ways such as taking care of my car, watching out for my health, cooking dinners for me and taking me out for fine dining meals. He loves to treat me to jewelry, which I love and he knows how much I love that.
-He speaks in the most endearing ways to me every day - he does this cute little thing where he does baby talk with me and he calls me his boo boo.
-We snuggle and cuddle together during the night while we sleep, and when we wake up, we snuggle very close together until we have to get up.
- Every morning before he leaves for work, he kisses me goodbye and tells me he loves me.
- We genuinely enjoy each other's company (when things are smooth and good between us). We laugh together often and have a lot of fun together on the weekends when we have nothing to do or when we go out for fun.
-We enjoy several similar interests and passions.
-We have great sex.
-We generally get along well -- generally speaking.
-We have similar lifestyles.
-We both love each other and we miss each other when we're apart.

Those are many or most of the positives.

I don't want to bring up an issue that occurred three weeks ago. I would, but given the recent atmosphere, I'd rather not and I'd prefer to just keep the peace. He is fed up with me questioning him all the time, and honestly, I don't blame him. Had I thought of asking him three weeks ago when it happened, I would have asked him without fear. Why bring it up now? It will only cause a problem.

It's not so black and white, Divine. He is a great husband in many ways. He has been a terrible husband in other ways. As you can see from my list of positives, that's a lot of positives.

Yes, I've had serious complaints. But this is not a black and white issue. There are gray areas. It's complicated, from my perspective. And my emotions around it are complex.

Your marriage happens to be perfect. You are very lucky. Most marriages I've heard of, or most married couples really have to work at it and have problems. You're lucky that in your marriage, you haven't had many problems between you. That's very rare. But I am 50 and from what I know, most people and marriages have issues.

Well then it sounds like you have a great marriage and you are both very happy. It just doesn’t match what you post about being frequently upset and unsatisfied in your marriage. What causes frequent fights that now escalate to police being called then if things are good. Something just isn’t right. What is it?

Some of the things you posted are cute but that’s pretty much what everyone does in a relationship. Cuddling and baby talk and giving you a kiss is a normal thing that everyone does in a relationship.

What makes him a good partner for life? How reliable, consistent and trustworthy is he?