[Have Hope]

Most people here know the abuse I've endured in my relationship so far.

In July, I faced him with a divorce, and he begged me not to. He listened to all my gripes for four hours, acknowledged the abuse, and said he would make big changes in his behaviors. He wanted me to give him a chance, so I did.

He was great for a few months or so, but then some of the abuse started to creep back in.

Mean comments here and there, and mean slights against me. Plus raised voice and some ranting and raving at me again in frustration because I was questioning him again.

Apparently he did rage at me again on a separate occasion, but I was blackout drunk, and I don't remember what happened. I had called the police. My sister told me I called the police because I was scared of him.

On top of the abuse, there have been trust issues on my part because he's been dishonest with me on several occasions.

This last weekend was a tipping point for me which made me think I need to just divorce him and give up without any couples counseling.

He openly stated to me that he was gaining pleasure from seeing me get worked up and angry over his control over the TV remote. Then he tried to tell me he was just "joking" and didn't really mean it. BS. He meant it.

That's his way of excusing himself of the behavior. "It was just a joke" and "I didn't mean it the way you took it".

Then he bought an item at Home Depot for far less than it was actually priced. It had no sticker price on it, so he took a screenshot of a far lower price and showed it to the clerk. He bought the item for $3 when it really cost $17.99. He did this deliberately and on purpose.

Yet another act of dishonesty.

Now I am operating under the belief that:

(1) he will always be abusive, no matter what -- now I see that he truly needs individual counseling, and I don't have the patience to deal with his abuse in the meantime. This will take YEARS of work on his behalf.

(2) that he is dishonest and I can never trust him, despite his own claims of being an honest person.

Now I feel I have no option or choice BUT to divorce him.

I don't want couples therapy anymore, and I don't think it will help. It could even be harmful because he now is using my calling the police, getting drunk and trying to grab his cell phone from him as evidence that I am abusive myself.

The other day I told him he is both loving and unloving towards me, and he shot back with "so are YOU!" Other than calling the police, I've been NOTHING but loving towards him the whole time we've been together. Yet he uses that night as a weapon against me to claim that I too have been abusive.

I don't want to lose my nerve. Now he's being all loving, cute and sweet and it makes it that much harder to pull the trigger.

I am waiting to get all my ducks in a row before I tell him (again) that this is over and I am divorcing him. I have a lot to figure out before I tell him this.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing... please don't let me lose my nerve.

I now see how women get stuck in abusive relationships and marriages...

when they're nice, it's easy to forgive and let go of the anger and rage, and when they're abusive, it's easy to want to leave.

I cannot keep going through this roller coaster though, and I know that if I get yet another mean comment towards me, I will feel 100% justified in divorcing him.

[Marie123]

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. I know how scary it is. See an attorney and get the information you need (getting ducks iin a row).What he is doing is called the "Honeymoon phase" On again, off again behavior...nice and then abusive, it keeps you confused. Trust yourself. xo

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Marie123

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. I know how scary it is. See an attorney and get the information you need (getting ducks iin a row).What he is doing is called the "Honeymoon phase" On again, off again behavior...nice and then abusive, it keeps you confused. Trust yourself. xo

Thank you.

I am learning and am trying to listen to MYSELF vs what HE tells me. He fills me with his lies and deception of how he truly is.

His actions do not match his words. That's what I am seeing now.

[Have Hope]

What's tough is when he is being loving towards me. But is it an act of manipulation?

That's what I am now feeling like it is. All one big act of manipulation to get me to think and believe he's a loving person.

[Have Hope]

What I am afraid of is backtracking, second guessing myself and backing down or trying to get him back again after I've said I'm divorcing him.

I have a litany of issues that I've written in my journal, starting from day 1. I have every reason to divorce him at this point.

However, I have typically gone back to ex's for one more try, and I have typically broken up only to miss them and second guess myself. I've even gone back to an abuser in the past for a second time.

I want to be 100% resolute this time in my decision. I do not want to waver whatsoever, and not even once in my mind and most importantly, to him. This go around, I do not want to go back again or try to take it back once I announce I am divorcing him.

This time, I want it to be completely different from how I have behaved in the past with breakups. I want a clean break, and I don't want to question it ever again and not even once. This time, I want to be far stronger.

[Have Hope]

I just reviewed the litany of issues I've faced with him since we've been married and beforehand.

This man, my husband, has no scruples and no strength in character.

He blew up at me on our wedding day of all days. I simply had asked him "are you OK?" because he did not look OK at that moment. He blew up in a fit of anger, yelling at me to just leave him alone. I asked him right then and there "is this how you are going to treat your WIFE?"

The day before we married, he "jokingly" told the wedding planner that marriage is "the highway to hell". Then he told me later that he said that in oder to shock her. Who the hell says this kind of thing, AND right before they're getting married?

He also bought cocaine on our wedding night when he knew I was dead set against doing anything like cocaine. He bought it with MY funds, in knowing how I feel about coke and without even asking me if it was OK with me. He coerced me into doing it that night, and that's how we spent our wedding night. Wonderful. Not a favorite memory.

We barely even had sex on our honeymoon because of the on and off tension going on between us. We had sex ONCE during our seven day honeymoon. This was the precursor to a marriage of abuse and struggle.

He couldn't go a day without weed, and that was a source of tension during our honeymoon. He is a weed addict, I learned during that trip. He was so moody, irritable and difficult without it.

This is the man I married. I am not proud to be married to him. I am very sad that I made such a grave mistake in my life. What a fool I've been. How stupid I was. I just wanted to get married finally because I had never been. And I chose the absolute WRONG partner.

[ArtleyWilkins]

It sounds like you are making the right decision. Yes, get your plan together before you tell him. Know where you are going, how to financially support yourself without his income, have a lawyer lined up, etc. If you have a therapist, talk through this plan with the therapist - you will need that support.

Remember: there is no failing in not being married. Living your own life for yourself may be the healthiest self-care you can do for yourself. There is no rule that you have to be married. My sister divorced after 18 years and is incredibly happy on her own now. It took coming to terms with it, but she is perfectly content as a single 65-year-old woman.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

It sounds like you are making the right decision. Yes, get your plan together before you tell him. Know where you are going, how to financially support yourself without his income, have a lawyer lined up, etc. If you have a therapist, talk through this plan with the therapist - you will need that support.

Remember: there is no failing in not being married. Living your own life for yourself may be the healthiest self-care you can do for yourself. There is no rule that you have to be married. My sister divorced after 18 years and is incredibly happy on her own now. It took coming to terms with it, but she is perfectly content as a single 65-year-old woman.

Thank you sooooooo much. I imagine I will choose to be single for the rest of my life!!!! I cannot imagine dating again and/or going through this process ever again. I can see a happy life for myself alone, albeit lonely at times though.

[Have Hope]

How do I even exist with him in knowing I do not want to be with him any longer? It's going to be SO hard to pretend everything is OK until I secure a job so I can announce that I am divorcing him.

[divine1966]

He will not change. Of course he acts loving. That’s how it goes. It’s a cycle. He sounds very unhealthy and it’s not the way to live. Figure out what’s the best way to get it done? Separate now? Wait until you have a job? File now? I’d start by talking through with therapist and a lawyer.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He will not change. Of course he acts loving. That’s how it goes. It’s a cycle. He sounds very unhealthy and it’s not the way to live. Figure out what’s the best way to get it done? Separate now? Wait until you have a job? File now? I’d start by talking through with therapist and a lawyer.

He IS very unhealthy.... and is most toxic for me. No, he will not change. Tigers don't change their stripes.

I have my therapy appt again tomorrow. I am keeping silent until I can figure this out for myself. I will not say a word until I have a solid plan in place.

[Have Hope]

It is soooooo hard to wake up every day, realize that I am going to divorce, then kiss and hug my husband goodbye as though everything is normal and fine between us.

I've decided that when I DO tell him, I will not place any blame and will keep it neutral and only about how I feel. I plan on telling him that this relationship and marriage do not work for me, that my feelings for him are not the same as they once were, and that I want a divorce. I am hoping that this way, it keeps it from escalating into a conflict and argument.

I spoke with one lawyer back in July who was really awesome. I think I will follow up with him again when I am ready and once I have a job so I can pay the fees.

In the meantime, I am acting as though nothing is wrong. It pains me to be living a lie like this, but I feel it's for the best for my own self preservation and self protection.

I am also anxiously waiting to hear back from the one company on a possible job offer. Today and this week, I must apply for more jobs.

I am trying to keep a level head through all of this and deal with only what is right in front of me, while staying resolute in my decision without wavering. This time, I do not want him to sway me, and I want to stay the course.

I must divorce him. Period.

[Have Hope]

My mother just tried to instill doubts in me -- thanks, mom. She said "so are you going to be Ok being single potentially for the rest of your life and would you prefer that over marriage?" I told her -- mom, listen. I refuse to be abused and I refuse to remain in an abusive marriage. No, I don't necessarily wish to lose a marriage and a husband, but I wish to lose THIS marriage and THIS husband.

She was playing on my fears of being alone. She knows that most of my life, all I've wanted was a life partner to share my life with.

Yes, I am in fact scared of being alone. But I'd FAR rather be alone than be abused. I have self respect. I care about my mental health.

IF I remain in this abusive marriage, both will go down the drain. I've already been there and have done that. My mental health, my sanity, my stability, my HAPPINESS, my self respect AND my self worth are far too important to me. I refuse to lose all of that when I've worked SO hard to overcome so many obstacles and issues in my life to get to where I am now.

So, no.... it's gaining something, it's not really losing something. I'm regaining my happiness by divorcing him. Or, at least my ability to BE HAPPY again.

I imagine myself doing all the things I've missed out on doing for the last three years while with him: hiking, skiing, camping, roller blading, sailing, WALKING even..... he cannot do ANY of these activities with me. I remember when I first learned of ALL his physical ailments that prevent him from doing anything physical, I went into a mourning period. I felt like I had lost a huge part of my life that brings me great joy and happiness.

[divine1966]

You do not need to be single for the rest of your life whatsoever. But if you decide to stay single, yes it’s better to be single than miserable. No marriage is sure better than bad marriage. But again you might meet someone else if you decide so. Your mom means well but com’n now mom.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You do not need to be single for the rest of your life whatsoever. But if you decide to stay single, yes it’s better to be single than miserable. No marriage is sure better than bad marriage. But again you might meet someone else if you decide so. Your mom means well but com’n now mom.

My mother can be a real piece of work.

My father is a narcissist. My mother has repeatedly asked me if I think that my father abused me and my sister.

She (I think) has doubts sometimes about having stayed in her own marriage. She may even be projecting HER fears.

And I agree with you.

I do know this: I will remain single for a LONG time after this. I will have zero interest in dating and/or meeting another potential mate.

I want to get myself happy again, all on my own. I want to develop new friendships first. And I just want to be happy, single and on my own. Men and relationships are a complete turn off to me at this stage.

[Have Hope]

I just counted. I have been abused by seven different men in seven different relationships.

I am definitely DONE with men and with relationships.

[Have Hope]

I'm giving myself a pep talk:

This is just another breakup to get through, yet with living arrangements and finances involved this time. No kids, no real huge assets to split.... it's been less than two years of marriage.

If my sister can divorce an abusive malignant narcissist with three young boys to watch after, I can too divorce an abusive narcissist and survive it.

Plenty of women divorce late in life, and plenty of women remain single for the rest of their lives. Statistically speaking, the happiest people are older single women without children. I could be one of them.

This truly is for the best, and I believe I will be happier.

I need to keep saying this to myself, over and over again.

[Have Hope]

Right now, I am working on self forgiveness.

I should have canceled the wedding when he blew up at me in rage over a pair of pants I was to buy him, just DAYS before our wedding. I knew then that I shouldn't marry this man, but I couldn't deal with a breakup right then, or with losing the $7000 I had paid for our honeymoon, or with losing a long awaited vacation when I hadn't had a vacation in 15-20 years.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

I should have canceled the wedding when he blew up again at me the morning of our wedding when I simply asked him "are you OK?" Once again, I didn't want to deal with a breakup, I didn't want to ruin the trip with a canceled wedding, and I didn't want to face the shame of it all, so I went through with it anyways.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

In the months following the wedding, the abuse was at it worst, and I wanted to leave him. I couldn't leave him right then because I had zero savings after the wedding and honeymoon. I planned on leaving him for many months and started to save the money to do so, then things started to improve, and I had greater hope that it could maybe work out.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

When I faced him with divorce last July, he begged me to stay and give him a chance. So I did. Yet, after a couple months of improved behaviors, he proved me wrong, again.

FORGIVE YOURSELF

And now, I am going to finally leave him, after 1.5 years of continued abuse from him.

CONGRATULATE YOURSELF

[Marie123]

The reason I stayed so long in an abusive "marriage"----31 years, was the fear of being alone. I have now been alone for 19 years......I do get lonely, but no one should ever live with an abuser. Abusers are extremely insecure and will do and say anything to keep you under their control. I had hundreds of red flags, but ignored them, not wanting to give up, so I lectured myself for years about getting out, and finally found the courage when I read, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...it saved my life and sanity. I don't feel you have to forgive yourself. you didn't do anything wrong, you were human and trying to give him chance after chance. Yes, hope will keep you stuck (as it did me), but eventually you can see he doesn't want to change. You can do it, and I am SO proud of you. Don't listen to your mother (or anyone else). they are not living your life of abuse. xoxo

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Marie123

The reason I stayed so long in an abusive "marriage"----31 years, was the fear of being alone. I have now been alone for 19 years......I do get lonely, but no one should ever live with an abuser. Abusers are extremely insecure and will do and say anything to keep you under their control. I had hundreds of red flags, but ignored them, not wanting to give up, so I lectured myself for years about getting out, and finally found the courage when I read, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...it saved my life and sanity. I don't feel you have to forgive yourself. you didn't do anything wrong, you were human and trying to give him chance after chance. Yes, hope will keep you stuck (as it did me), but eventually you can see he doesn't want to change. You can do it, and I am SO proud of you. Don't listen to your mother (or anyone else). they are not living your life of abuse. xoxo

It's wonderful you finally found the courage and a resource that gave you the strength to leave.

I couldn't even buy a book without him knowing what the book is. I can't hide it from him. I've read "Men who hate women and the women who love them" which is a book about misogynists and the women who marry them. That book was of great help to me in the past with past abusive relationships.

And no offense to you whatsoever, but that's exactly what I wish to avoid: staying in an abusive marriage out of fear of being alone. I do understand that fear - very much so. But I see the writing on the wall... he will not change, and couples therapy will not fix this problem. He is set in his ways, and I can see this.

I am scared to be alone, but if you and countless other abused women can do this, so can I. That's what I keep telling myself.