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Old 10-18-2020, 12:24 PM   #11
WovenGalaxy
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Default Re: I think my friend is going to reject me

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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
Well if you simply get on with your life and leave it to her there is a risk that she will misread that as a lack of interest on your part. If you like her and want to keep the door open, then texting now and then in a friendly and interested way is a good option imo.

there've been times before when she's ignored / not responded to my friendly / checking in "Hello how are you?" texts. Or she'll respond and then ignore my response text asking her how she is. This is kind of a pattern of hers and I think she's just going to do what she wants. She does "like" my stuff on facebook. So maybe that's where I can express interest too. But honestly I deserve better. I do like her. But I am distancing from her and I think thats the right thing to do. That's why I said what I said in the previous post.
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Old 10-18-2020, 01:13 PM   #12
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Default Re: I think my friend is going to reject me

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And I also think I'm rejection sensitive.

This young woman and I have been meeting up once a week since the pandemic. We typically just video chat but we've met up a few times too.

She's been acting weird lately. She didn't return my texts (asking when she wanted to meet up) and she hasn't been available lately.

We usually meet on Sundays and she ignored my texts for a week then in Sunday said she felt like she failed as a friend and she had had a difficult week. She said she was available to talk. I told her I wasn't available (I had made plans since I hadn't heard from her) but that I would get back to her when I was able.

I just needed time, honestly, I felt hurt and worried she didn't want to hang out anymore. I also felt disrespected and walked on.

Actually, I felt pretty done with this, I didn't want to talk to her. But after talking to another friend about it, I called her tonight. I left a vm and said I thought we should talk. She texted me back and said she thought a conversation would be good also. She sounded so formal. I felt like I'd done something wrong. She said she didn't have the "capacity" to talk tonight and was busy tmrw, and that we could talk Monday.

She does have ADD. And I want to keep that in mind. But I am realizing I have rejection sensitivity and I think it will really hurt if she does this to me. I've also had a hard few weeks myself. I'm scared of what she will say. She never even apologized for having been "a bad friend."

Before the pandemic, we would see each other maybe a few times a year and kept in touch on facebook. I've only known her a few years. From a knitting group.

She has a hard time being honest with a closer friend of hers. She's complained to me before that she needs space from her other friend. But is afraid to say it. Maybe she feels that way about us, too.

I need to take care of myself. I really have had a very hard few weeks, and I can't handle anymore bad news. She may forget to call me Monday anyway. I may not call her. I would honestly rather let this just fizzle out. Is that ok? I just can't handle this. I need to get stronger first.

Thoughts and advice please.

I think its pretty clear from what you wrote that you know what the problem is.

I can relate to her attitude because I have a similar character. And from how you described her and yourself, it sounds familiar.

I think she the fact that she has ADD, has told you that she wants space from her other friend, has a hard time being honest, that she recognzes shes a "bad friend" are all tell tale signs that ... I wouldnt say shes not interested in you, but then again its hard to find other words.

I think its best that you look out for yourself, as hard as it may be to swallow, I think she really needs her space and you should leave it.

I would let her know that you are still open (and available) but that you need to take care of yourself and that you wont contact her anymore. Let her be the one to take the initiative and give her space (having a similar character, I can relate to the feeling of needing space).

She may feel smothered or not like the excessive attention and really just want space.

So my advice would be to let her go and get her out of your mind. Like the saying goes, "if you love something, let it go, if its meant to be, it will."

Focus on bettering yourself and not "forcing a horse to drink" and you might be suprised that she contacts you.
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Old 10-18-2020, 01:50 PM   #13
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Default Re: I think my friend is going to reject me

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there've been times before when she's ignored / not responded to my friendly / checking in "Hello how are you?" texts. Or she'll respond and then ignore my response text asking her how she is. This is kind of a pattern of hers and I think she's just going to do what she wants. She does "like" my stuff on facebook. So maybe that's where I can express interest too. But honestly I deserve better. I do like her. But I am distancing from her and I think thats the right thing to do. That's why I said what I said in the previous post.

I feel like I should elaborate and explain a little more. Well, I want to, anyway:

Before the pandemic, was when she would not get back to me in texts. Then when the pandemic started, she wanted to get together, and I would always leave things open for her, in case she "Wanted an out" but she never seemed to want one. I was confused too, of all her friends (she has a lot, and does a lot of activities and has 2 jobs), why she chose me to do this with. (that could just be low self esteem talking, I don't know). But during this pandemic, so far she's been very there for me. I even called her a couple times in tears when I was stressed about somethings (not having to do with her).


So this feels like she is reverting back to her old self of being more flakey and distant. It certainly could be an ebb in her flow. I don't completely understand her, she does not let me in on everything that goes on with her.


I don't mean to seem stuck on this. I'm really not. We are supposed to talk tomorrow and thank you guys for reading my post and responding. It helped. I don't think she's going to reject me anymore. Especially because she wants to talk.


I just don't know what her deal is. She's had other friends before where they've been close, and then she will pull away. I witnessed it with another woman and her a few years ago. Theyw ee so buddy buddy, and then I heard her telling people that this woman was clingy and too much for her. This woman actually died this year. I'm not sure what happened, but I heard she was depressed and I was wondering "the worst" about the way this woman died, but I never found out how she died, as I was not close to this woman and my friend did not disclose this to me, she just said "We were not close. I'm just glad she's with her husband now." (this woman's husband had passed away a few years ago before her). To me, my friend's response just seemed weird and a little cold. Because I had thought they were such good friends, or at least they used to be. I think *I* was more affected by her death than my friend. But maybe they weren't that close and maybe I'm just passing judgment. I'm just curious about my friend's process with friends.


I have to admit, maybe I think the worst about her sometimes. She sells for an MLM / pyramid scheme type corp, and I thought she was smarter than that. But she loves this company. Maybe she just wants to sell to people and when they don't buy from her she drops them. I must be the worst to think this. Or just have a really weird imagination.


She also has a very close friend who is her boyfriend's ex.


Her bf's ex clearly still has feelings for her boyfriend. And her boyfriend treats this woman like ****. I find myself wondering why my friend wants to be friends with this woman, as its clearly not healthy for this woman, or, my friend maybe.


Anyway, yes, I'm analyzing right now lol.


I'm going to make notes before I talk to my friend tomorrow so I don't sound any way other than I intend. I want to be kind. I hope she wants to be kind too.


Another thing though, her close friend (her boyfriend's ex,) is very much like me, in that she's insecure. But my friend jumps to make her calm and assure her. Yet when she acts this way with me, and I get uncomfortable, she doesn't seem to care. Maybe she doesn't know how she's affecting me.


I feel like I've just "gone along with" whatever closeness she wants between us (close / not close), and maybe I should have a say too. I can't make someone be close with me of course and I would not ever want that. But if this ebb and flow is the way its going to be (that is IF thats what this even is, I have no idea what she's going to say), I might not be there for her the next time she wants to be close and spend more time together. Though I'd still be her friend.


I think I need to stop focusing on this now. It's best to go do other things and live my life. I'm not sure it's worth anymore writing. Though it felt good to get that stuff out.
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Old 10-18-2020, 03:05 PM   #14
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Default Re: I think my friend is going to reject me

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Well if you simply get on with your life and leave it to her there is a risk that she will misread that as a lack of interest on your part. If you like her and want to keep the door open, then texting now and then in a friendly and interested way is a good option imo.
ETA I posted this before I had read the other posts in this thread posted after this, so please disregard if not appropriate. I have had issues with friends which are somewhat similar at times so I felt I had something to say. I could delete my post but I hope it at least isn't ''unhelpful''. That is never my intention.

Good post. I agree. Sometimes its hard to get the balance ''right'' since we usually cannot read the other person's mind. She might care about us a lot but still be overwhelmed by,,.. not sure. So needs ''space'' for now and for whatever reason doesn't express that with style and grace. I would feel hurt too. This person has been clumsy with her words and probably flakey too. I personally do not often close the door on a friend I have been close to unless they are abusive. But it's complicated. I also think that texting now and then in a friendly and interested way is a good option. In the past I used to close my door when I was hurt and sometimes I closed the door on a good friend who then interpreted that as lack of interest on my part (when it was much more complicated... I felt hurt by them, with good reason usually)

I have had 2 quite ''close'' or at least long term friends close the door with no explanation on me recently. I know that is completely different but it made me think... anyway I have decided to keep my door closed on them. Sometimes a particular individual (or individuals) just is (are) not ''worth the effort'' when they are disrespectful (or even if they repeatedly do not put the effort we put into the friendship) Sorry about the rambling, I hope it makes some sense.
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Old 10-18-2020, 04:31 PM   #15
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ETA I posted this before I had read the other posts in this thread posted after this, so please disregard if not appropriate. I have had issues with friends which are somewhat similar at times so I felt I had something to say. I could delete my post but I hope it at least isn't ''unhelpful''. That is never my intention.

Good post. I agree. Sometimes its hard to get the balance ''right'' since we usually cannot read the other person's mind. She might care about us a lot but still be overwhelmed by,,.. not sure. So needs ''space'' for now and for whatever reason doesn't express that with style and grace. I would feel hurt too. This person has been clumsy with her words and probably flakey too. I personally do not often close the door on a friend I have been close to unless they are abusive. But it's complicated. I also think that texting now and then in a friendly and interested way is a good option. In the past I used to close my door when I was hurt and sometimes I closed the door on a good friend who then interpreted that as lack of interest on my part (when it was much more complicated... I felt hurt by them, with good reason usually)

I have had 2 quite ''close'' or at least long term friends close the door with no explanation on me recently. I know that is completely different but it made me think... anyway I have decided to keep my door closed on them. Sometimes a particular individual (or individuals) just is (are) not ''worth the effort'' when they are disrespectful (or even if they repeatedly do not put the effort we put into the friendship) Sorry about the rambling, I hope it makes some sense.
You don't have to take your post down.

Thank you for the validation re my feelings.

I might take my own last post down. It made me feel anxious afterward. I feel a bit hyperfocused.
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Old 10-18-2020, 05:22 PM   #16
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I think its pretty clear from what you wrote that you know what the problem is.

I can relate to her attitude because I have a similar character. And from how you described her and yourself, it sounds familiar.

I think she the fact that she has ADD, has told you that she wants space from her other friend, has a hard time being honest, that she recognzes shes a "bad friend" are all tell tale signs that ... I wouldnt say shes not interested in you, but then again its hard to find other words.

I think its best that you look out for yourself, as hard as it may be to swallow, I think she really needs her space and you should leave it.

I would let her know that you are still open (and available) but that you need to take care of yourself and that you wont contact her anymore. Let her be the one to take the initiative and give her space (having a similar character, I can relate to the feeling of needing space).

She may feel smothered or not like the excessive attention and really just want space.

So my advice would be to let her go and get her out of your mind. Like the saying goes, "if you love something, let it go, if its meant to be, it will."

Focus on bettering yourself and not "forcing a horse to drink" and you might be suprised that she contacts you.
This is a validating post. Thank you. Its validating bc yes, that how I see this situation and how I want to deal w/ it. The only thing I disagree with is you saying I'm trying to force her into something (I'm not and I never would with anyone) and you using the word "smothering" for me. That's inaccurate.

Last edited by WovenGalaxy; 10-18-2020 at 08:05 PM..
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Old 10-19-2020, 06:36 PM   #17
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Update: We talked and she was SO nice, and communicative and reassuring. I won't say everything, but I really just think...I wasted my thoughts and worries (though thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies you guys). Maybe I didn't waste them. But it turned out so well and all my thoughts and speculations were false. I know I really need to work on checking the facts. And refraining from assuming (and judging). I'm just so glad things worked out. I have a pretty amazing friend.
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Old 10-19-2020, 09:21 PM   #18
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Thanks for letting us know! I am really happy for you!

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Old 10-19-2020, 09:24 PM   #19
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Thanks for letting us know! I am really happy for you!

Thanks Bill
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Old 10-19-2020, 10:55 PM   #20
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Well, I was getting ready to chime in, and I'm glad it all worked out.
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