[Eleny]

My housemate and I have lived together a while and have a really good relationship.

Recently a new housemate moved in to replace our old one. She’s been here about 3 months. She’s nice and I get on well with her one to one, but she always excludes me when the three of us are chatting.

She only looks at my other housemate and angles her body language in her direction. At first I thought maybe it wasn’t deliberate but now I really feel that it is.

I’m finding it very upsetting to be excluded like this. It’s not something I’d feel comfortable bringing to her attention as it’s so subtle but it’s bringing me down a lot. Last night I ended up leaving the room and going to bed as I was getting so annoyed at her blatantly ignoring me.

How do I deal with this? It’s a shame as the house I live in has always had a nice friendly vibe and I’m angry at her behaviour. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

[Open Eyes]

Hmm, that’s strange. I am wondering if she isn’t sure of your other housemate and is trying to win her over?

[Fuzzybear]

That is strange. I could think of a couple of reasons for this (all of them are about her).. I'm sorry this is happening. You did not do anything to deserve this.

So the new roommate has been doing this to your established roommate for the past 3 months; angling you out of the conversation and not including you? Sounds very passive aggressive to me. How old are you all?

I was in your situation when I lived with two girls in college. They were both great friends and their 3rd roommate moved out so they had space for one more. I met them through a class we had together. I shared the larger room of the 2 bedroom apartment with the roommate who I had a lot in common with. The other roommate rarely if ever talked to me. She rejected my invites to go to frat parties whereas the other roommate went with me to those and out for coffee. So, I got used to the other roommate just ignoring me or rarely being around.

Roommate dynamics are weird. Who knows what motivates your new roommate’s behavior. Maybe she likes your other roommate more for whatever reason. Is she a clean roommate? Does she pay her share of rent on time and pay her share of bills on time? Is she considerate of you when you have guests over?

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Eleny

My housemate and I have lived together a while and have a really good relationship.

Recently a new housemate moved in to replace our old one. She’s been here about 3 months. She’s nice and I get on well with her one to one, but she always excludes me when the three of us are chatting.

She only looks at my other housemate and angles her body language in her direction. At first I thought maybe it wasn’t deliberate but now I really feel that it is.

I’m finding it very upsetting to be excluded like this. It’s not something I’d feel comfortable bringing to her attention as it’s so subtle but it’s bringing me down a lot. Last night I ended up leaving the room and going to bed as I was getting so annoyed at her blatantly ignoring me.

How do I deal with this? It’s a shame as the house I live in has always had a nice friendly vibe and I’m angry at her behaviour. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I been there myself. People who I live with do this to me all the time. Try distancing yourself from this person.

[Rive.]

That is really rude behaviour.

How to deal with this? How about you have a private, non-accusatory, chat with her. This way she will know what she is doing and how it comes across for you.

IF after the chat she still behaves like this, I would then ignore her but I would also have a word with that other 3rd person.

[MsLady]

It could be that she's either trying to "win" the other mate over you or she's just more comfortable talking with her. I know you mentioned you're uncomfortable in talking with her but her behaviours are upsetting you.

Maybe figure out HOW you can address this with her that's non-threatening, emotionally charged, or accusational. Perhaps approach her privately with concern.. asking her if she's ok, that you're sensing she's uncomfortable around you. See what she says?

[Prycejosh1987]

You cannot confront her about it, she will just be in denial. Grab her attention when she does this. By being more firm in your tone of voice. It could be just you, and she might be doing it out of reflex. Just be yourself and try what i said.