Don’t Know Where to Begin...

I got a save a date for a marriage happening involving a best friend that I had in college, but like all other invites and info that I’ve received over marriage, the item in the mail met me with hostility. Partly due to my insecurities, but mainly because he is 8 years older than his fiancée, who isn’t even in her 20s yet and has dated less than a year.

This guy celebrating the occasion, as stated, was a best friend in college that I met through a church, and for awhile we did everything together. However how we handled leaving the church over spiritual abuse began to wear down our friendship. I spent more time to myself for the purpose of self discovery and for reversing the mental rigidity that two years of that place inflicted on me. While my friend bounced back like nothing happened, and expected me to be the same. He became overly pushy about trying to get back into the church scene. And the uncomfortable discussions we already had at least once every time we saw each other, like over very personal beliefs like church attendance and other taboo topics became focal points of more recent hangouts. We still spoke to each other on the phone and hung out once with a mutual friend after the initial fallout, but over time I lost interest in exclusively spending time with him. Now I feel like he’s using me because after not hearing from him for nearly 8 months, he asked me for my address to send the wedding info.

But even with this current state with him, I reacted to his wedding info very negatively. Even though I can’t even begin to imagine being coupled up right now, wedding announcement get under my skin because most of my peers are narcissistic about it and often implicitly use marriage as an excuse to shut me out of their lives even if we were close friends. So great. Now I feel like a hypocritical, cognitively dissonant idiot, as I shouldn’t feel this way over a friend I’m growing apart from.

With all of this in mind, my pride is wanting me to not even congratulate him or send him a gift. Its his life but I think he’s making a fatal mistake because of the age difference and I assume he is jumping on the marriage bandwagon. But since we were close friends at one point the other side of my consciousness tells me to reconnect with him over his major milestone.

Am I going insane for having these thoughts? Anybody here who can relate or help me?

I don’t think you’re crazy at all. It’s not quite the same, but I’ve had people who have hurt me in the past try to reconnect; I felt guilty pushing them away, even though I knew it was necessary for my own mental health. If I found out they were getting married I’d wish them well, but leave it at that.
It doesn’t sound like your old friend was very respectful of your personal wishes, if he was trying so hard to push you back into the church scene if you weren’t ready/didn’t want to return.
Bottom line, do you really want to go to the wedding, deep down? You don’t have to answer me, just listen to your gut and decide accordingly.

Thank you for your speedy reply Roxanne!! I think you read me correctly. I guess he supported me more when I was the old self that went to this church with him but couldn't envision me as anybody else besides that old self.

I guess at one point in time, like at the height of our friendship, I would have gone in a heartbeat. But even when there's not a pandemic and improve my outlook on this situation I would probably not attend. However, there are a couple of other friends who are much closer to me and have stayed close that are getting married next year, and I want to prioritise my social and mental energy for such occasions.

I don't think you're crazy either. Personally I would probably send him a gift and leave it at that. It doesn't sound as if he has been very respectful of your boundaries.

Thanks Fuzzybear, great to hear from you. Already feeling better about myself, especially with these posts coming in so soon after the OP. I appreciate you sharing your opinion so I don’t stretch myself too thin. Thanks again!!

Some of your negative thoughts might just be temporary (and are just thoughts unless you take action or say something based on these thoughts). When I have negative thoughts about someone, I try to not immediately react (when I do react immediately, sometimes I regret it). If you have grown apart from your friend, it is OK, sometimes it happens and hopefully, you can eventually think more about what was good about your friendship but if you have changed/grown apart, it's OK. Given your history with him, I think you should at least send a card congratulating him. He may think of your friendship in a different way than you do. I also wanted to mention that my husband is 6 and half years older than I am and we have been married for more than 32 years so an 8 year age difference doesn't seem that bad to me though since she is not 20 yet, IMO, she is still maturing and learning about herself. In any case, it's their life and your opinion probably won't change his mind.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your insight TunedOut. I could use this tip about cooling myself off before spewing negativity, because often times earlier in life I found that I have very little space to process adverse situations. Lots of problems could’ve been avoided if I had practiced better boundaries before I allowed at one point to let everyone walk all over me with their negativity or neediness. Maybe I just needed the right people to talk to which I think is what I’m finding on these forums.

I think in my case, thankfully I am able to remember many positive characteristics off this friend. Like he is highly goal-oriented, loyal, and has an old fashioned charm to his personality. He just happened to be rather unsupportive of my more recent life choices. So I guess he considers me enough of a friend to send me this announcement, and I probably would too if I was in his shoes. But also have friends who live closer to me and have achieved a sort of confidante status far longer than this said friend. My current friendships are more balanced and more likely ones I would call upon first for an emergency or crisis. And besides if I let his opinions start to control me I know mine won’t get anywhere with him. I just don’t like this feeling as if I’m part of a dying breed who is single, or feel like I have to be dating or married to be liked and respected.

And thanks for letting me know of your experiences also. Congrats for this success in your life!

I do not think you doing anything wrong you just have an opinion. Age differences in relationships can cause problems in the future, because age has a lot to do with lifestyle and mentality.

Thanks so much for sharing this post. Of course I'm probably not going to share my opinion with this friend of mine but in a day in age when anybody's opinion can come under harsh scrutiny I feel better reading this and to know that opinions at the most basic level aren't harmful or something to be ashamed of.

It sounds like he’s religious, so getting married under those circumstances is common and their marriage may be great. There’s a feeling you’re having about your feelings about yourself and relationships that is the reason why you are feeling resentment toward his marriage and also are at the age where all friends seem to be coupling.

You thought he’s using you by sending you an invitation. What would he be using you for, a gift? If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. You didn’t have a fallout with him and were once a very close friend, so I think congratulating them, a card, a gift/ attend or not attend. Will there still be a pandemic? Social distancing is a great excuse.

It also sounds like you and he had some other issues when you were friends. You shared an abuse situation, he tried to drag you back into religion. All your feelings on this are valid.

Thank you for coming in clutch with this post TishaBuv! You always seem to read me like a book and know exactly what to say to see me through, and that is definitely true here.
I'm 25 yo and still single. Even though I couldn't imagine any other life stage other than the one I'm in, I have started losing my patience and interest with things involving happy couples and marrying. Often due to so-called friends who have treated me rudely or have ignored any efforts to connect personally as was successful before. I can easily prevent projecting my insecurities on this friend, but for now, yeah I feel most definitely resentful.

And yes, I have started to fear that I am being used only for a gift. After the last time we met up nearly two years ago, we had nice conversations initially before they started to digress into long non-communications except for holiday and birthdays. And most of the time I've done all the work in reaching out. Not to sound cynical but I do have a bad feeling there could be more of this behavior.

This wedding isn't until June, when we may have a vaccine already, but I'm a purebred germaphobe and can still use that tendency as a form of self-protection. lol Thanks again for this thoughtful post and for validating my feelings in order to help improve my situation!

It’s a funny thing with events like weddings; to invite or not to invite. I was raised to invite all the people who ‘should be’ and they can decline if they want. When I got married, my h said not to invite his very small family and their friends because he thought they’d feel we are just ‘hitting them up for a gift’.

The venue has minimums of dinners you have to pay for, so honestly, we invited all the ‘should invite’ people because I felt it’s the right thing to do and also we had to fill up the room. The dinners cost at least 5x more than the average gifts we received, so it’s really not about the gift. IDK your friend’s wedding plans, maybe those things aren’t a factor at all. He may simply want your company because you were/are a good friend.

Weddings are expensive. Gifts do not off set the cost unless of course it is immediate family who’d give substantial amount. Unless you were planning to give him 1k he likely will not get rich of your gift. I doubt anyone invited anyone to a wedding in hopes for a gift. Just not realistic. I don’t see how he used you by inviting you. Sure you might not be close friends but people invite all kind of guests. Not everyone is a close friend

You can’t possibly know if his marriage will work out. Age difference is their business. It’s not always an issue at all.

It’s really refreshing to hear your perspective with these things, Tisha and Divine. Anything like a wedding is a big deal in itself, but it’s equally as huge to plan everything. In the rare event you do get accepts from all the “should invites” it could even spell out moving to a location that suits a higher capacity. But just like I did when this whole thing started I have a tendency to get inside my mind and over analyze. I wish I wasn’t cursed with this trait, but I must have what’s in genetics speak the homozygous dominant trait lol both myself and others around me have noticed that I am getting analytical at the present which this trait pretty much always worsens when topics like a barrage of wedding invites come up. When I put my inner cynic aside and get to the root I think he just wants me to partake in his joyous occasion, as we were close for several years. But at the same time I’m also going through a lot myself, I haven’t been employed for a year, mostly due to COVID, so I don’t know if I’ll be at home in June or halfway across the country. And with all of that mixed in with my insecurities I guess I also don’t have the best capacity right now to reconnect with someone who hasn’t really been a part of my life in a few years.

I think it’s fine to return the r.s.v.p. Saying you can’t attend because you won’t be around and wishing them all the best. You don’t even have to send any gift.

Yes, for our wedding we invited a few more people and figured we’d get a fair amount of ‘no’s”. If it’s a wedding at a place with a contract you have to pay a minimum amount no matter how many people come. It’s stressful. At another event we made, we had several people say they were coming and then just not show up. Grrrrr, it cost us a lot of money. Oh well.

My cousin was also a bridesmaid so many times she had a closet full of ugly gowns lol. There’s a movie I think called 27 Dresses! I feel you for going to so many weddings.

I’m so glad to find someone like you who might have handled this the same way I would have. I’ve congratulated him though text already but he was a best friend for awhile, and he would appreciate that rsvp from me, whether it’s an accept or decline. I definitely think talking to you has helped take a lot of pressure off this gift giving stress I’ve been under. I’ve grown weary of gift giving to a lot of these couples now who refuse to acknowledge or thank me for a gift that I’ve given. Call me old fashioned or entitled but I hate the feeling that even when I’ve given extravagant gifts with thoughtful messages that I’m performing a rather thankless obligation, which has often been the case with more than half of the newlyweds that have invited me. Hence a lot of my current bitterness toward new couples.
But even with this current internal struggle there have already been instances where I didn’t give gifts. Like the casual friend or acquaintance I have talked to since high school. And again a lot of my reasoning is budget-oriented because of my current status. Anyway I’m more than happy to have you to host this discussion with as to hinder myself from more obligations when my plates already full.

And I understand how you feel with that frustration! Especially with friends and family members who you may hold higher expectations. My parents can relate even with smaller celebrations like when I graduated from college. On the bright side in the case if you do have more than expected no shows that’s more cake and hors d’oeuvres for you! And for your cousin a ton of nice evening wear!

I’m very grateful for you and demonstrating all the understand that you’ve actively shown to me here. It’s not everyday when I find someone in person who seems to understand me in this way while also presenting advice from a fresh perspective.

It’s very rude of them not to send a thank you. Of course your budget plays a role in all these gifts too.

Your comment about my cousin made me lol because she hates the whole bridesmaid thing and the dresses would never be worn again— I’m talking ugly bridesmaid dresses! She had a wedding that had such an absence of pomp and circumstance it was funny.

Another funny thing— my sister was invited to a wedding and she gave them a card with a packet of seeds in it, and she was miffed they didn’t send her a thank you. I said to her, ‘You didn’t even give them a plant, just seeds?’ Lol

Once again this is what I needed to hear on so many levels. A lot of times I’m told to just deal with it no matter what response I get, but in my heart I know for a fact it’s easier said than done. I’ve often been feeling devalued lately with the lack of a simple thank you being one of the reasons for my current state. But like I said I’m so grateful to know someone who feels the same way I do and that I’m not just being an entitled brat.

Maybe I can give a package of thank you notes for my next wedding gift! Lol

I’m so glad that you liked that! Well you know a little good humor and positivity can take us a long way! Lol Now if I had a choice to go to a wedding I would’ve picked your cousin’s. Probably would’ve gotten by just fine in a sleeveless shirt and gym shorts! Haha Any way you slice it maybe those dresses could be instead used as a more sophisticated looking goofy Christmas attire this year

And that story is really funny! Just about made my day. At least they’re travel sized! Just goes to show all these occasions come in all shapes, sizes, and maybe attire?

I’d send a card. I don’t think you need to send gifts if you aren’t attending unless you are very close. If you not that close anymore card is fine

You’re not wrong to feel hurt about their not sending a thank you. Doesn’t everybody know if someone gives you a gift, you say thank you, whether it be verbal or a note like for a wedding? Heck if you read the Bride’s magazines (and I’d think everyone planning a wedding does), they tell you to thank people for gifts.

Maybe you’ll end up going to the wedding and meeting someone nice. Wait to send back the r.s.v.p. Closer to the date they asked (Did they send an invitation with an r.s.v.p. Card?)

The only invitation my cousin sent was a simple email and that wasn’t because of low budget resources. That’s how much she hates the formalities.