A Crush

My partner has had a crush on a particular woman for our entire 6yr relationship. We live in the same neighbourhood and often run into each other. I'm not at all concerned they're having an affair but their flirtatious ways is getting old. It used to bother me a lot, before I understood the root of it. Now, it just makes me sad.

My partner has an intense need for attention and admiration. She's 15 years younger and cute but comes off very insecure and "giggly".. so the attention to each other serves this same shallow purpose. Seeing them together is an interesting watch, as they both love the attention they generate from each other. The only problem is, he's the family man and she's single. Plus, he's giving her the message that she's more important to him than I, even for that brief moment.

He once accused me of being "jealous" of her (and laughed), before I was able to see what she even looked like. That conversation didn't go well, and clearly, at that time, he felt I ought to be jealous of her. He's never introduced us, in all these years, and when I questioned him, he said he "didn't know what to say".

This is all old news now but the flirting still continues, despite its (somewhat) subtleness. I can see it in his eyes she excites him.. but again, his drive to fill his own bucket of self worth and attention is like a life-line for him. I've learned to not take it personal.

I used to be friendly towards her because I see the problem is within my partner, who clearly disrespects me, and neither of them have taken things "too far". But since this past summer, I noticed she's been unfriendly towards me, unless he's standing beside me. So she no longer is a "kind (but flirty)" person, in my books.

I'm not sure if they're corresponding via email. He denies it, and as a self-proclaimed "compulsive liar" I will never know the truth. I know he deletes his email history, along with his cell history, so I know he's corresponding with other women. So, there's a possibility they've been interacting online, feeding stories against me to get sympathies from her. Of course, I don't "know" this. I'm the "paranoid" one, right? Why she glares at me suddenly, or actively ignores me, when I've been friendly towards her all along.. I'll never know.

I don't doubt they'll end up together, one day, if she's still single by then. And they'll have a WONDERFUL time filling each other's buckets and enjoying their "honeymoon" phase. Unfortunately, she, too, will learn that she'll be unable to sustain his need for admiration and attention. She, too, will feel like she'll never be enough for him. Hopefully a baby won't transpire out of them, as well.. I don't even want to think about that.

I don't have a point to my post. I haven't shared in a few months and thought I'd get this off my chest.

Yes, I have an exit plan.

I am sorry. I am glad you have an exit plan. I’d try making my exit plan as expedite as reasonably possible. No woman should live like this and endure this treatment from her partner. You’ll be free one day

For multiple reasons, I don't see it happening before my children are in school and I can return to work full time. It is what it is for now.

I can now understand your own predicament, as I am now in a similar position being unemployed and unable to leave my husband until I am employed again.

I'm sorry you've had to endure this. For me, that would be torture. But I also take flirtation seriously and get deeply offended by it. It's a slap in the face.

I, too, am glad you have an exit plan.

I understand. That’s why I said when it’s possible

It's definitely an ongoing slap in the face which is why it used to bother me a lot. It still does but I understand it better now.

I once mentioned he had "failed" a quiz about Histrionic Personality disorder. He got upset and spoke to his therapist about it who told him not to put too much weight on these online tests. I agree with the therapist because I know they're not set up to diagnose.

I did the test, myself, and remember the questions. It was not at all flattering to me to know how he'd answer these questions to the point he failed it.. and by that, to him, it meant he got a high score.

I'd not waste time trying to diagnose. I'd spend my time planning my exit strategy.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re in this situation, glad to hear you have an exit plan even if it’s longer term.

My point was more about how he saw himself and how the behaviours he exhibits are damaging to us, our family, and me, personally.

I understand.

If he knew that his behaviors are damaging, he’d at least try not to behave this way. People like him don’t see themselves the way the rest of the world does. It’s not him acting certain way, it’s you being paranoid or you are too sensitive or you are hard to please etc It’s never them. It’s always you.

Have you thought about asking her to stop this treatment she is giving you and to back off on your family?

He does curb it sometimes but his inner drive is to seek out that attention and admiration from multiple sources (acquaintances, exes, strangers, family and friends). We've had plenty of conversations about this where he accused me of all sorts of things.. being jealous, insecure, suspicious, paranoid, etc. To me it was just interesting that his own answers to an online questionnaire bothered him to the point that he spoke with his therapist about it. Once she discredited the test, it was as if those traits he saw in himself disappeared.. and now we're back to me "reading into things".

That would make me a fool. She's not the key problem and it's unrealistic for me to talk with anyone who flirts with him. The problem is him and so I've spoken to him.

Having said that, I've already been made a fool behind my back.. that I'm insecure and jealous of him talking with friends. The joke is on me.

Don't let him get away with turning the tables on you and making it into your problem. He's accusing you of being jealous and insecure, when he's the one flirting openly and for a long time now. Call him out on it and don't let him get away with that. NO, I am not jealous and insecure; you're an overt flirt and insult me again and again with your repetitive flirtations.

I have no control of what he says behind my back. The few times he has said this to me, I most definitely put him in his place. The problem with communicating with him is he doesn't hear me. He's most concerned about his own feelings and needs.

I am glad you put him in his place. That shows strength and is important - it's important to stand up for oneself.

I'm sorry you are suffering in this relationship so much.

I think it's why our relationship suffers.. is that I'm now addressing these issues and exposing him to himself. He gets upset, so he seeks out his family and friends to counteract how I've made him feel by feeding them stories for sympathies.

It's sad because I feel like I'm looking at him as an outsider now, and seeing these patterns play out. It's hard to get past it, even if I'm misreading a particular scenario, I'm unable to see him how I used to.. and it's killing him. Poor guy.

I wouldn't feel sorry for someone who is repeatedly mistreating you. You can feel sorry that he hasn't learned what true love, partnership and respect entail. That's what is to feel sorry for. He doesn't know any better and therefore, has to learn... or not learn. That's what's sad about it. Clearly his upbringing did not teach him this. Same with my husband.

And yes, it's good you are standing up and are exposing his behaviors. Either he deals with it and steps up to the plate, or not.

LOL it was sarcasm.. but in a way, I do feel sorry for him. His image and getting attention is so important to him. When he doesn't get it to the level that he needs, he cracks. That ought to be hard to live with. He's clearly not ok with himself.