no remorse from husband

What I said to you was in no way to encourage you to think his choice was your fault. His choice to cheat was wrong and selfish. If he was unhappy he should have talked to you about it.

Truth is, some people really do not know how to talk about challenges they are having. What he has been doing is he chose to cheat and is trying to excuse it by saying he has not been happy. That is an excuse on his part, his effort to reduce his guilt.

You're so right on with how Im feeling right now. Im just trying to approach this with a level head and all the facts I can get. Im extremely analytical for the most part so that kinda why Im back on my heels with this. Its all emotions

I didn’t think anyone saying that OP contributed to her husband having affairs. If they did, I did not see it. It’s a disturbing thought. Justifying inappropriate behaviors is backwards. Women aren’t put on this Earth to only worry about meeting men’s needs or otherwise men go sleep around. There are ton of decent honorable men who don’t sleep around. This kind of thinking is degrading to men (saying they can’t make honorable decisions and there are no decent men out there), and it degrades women.

Mistake is to drop a glass and break it. Going to bed with other women while married (or other similar cheating acts) is not a mistake. It takes a deliberate effort to do so. Even texting these women is something one has to plan and execute. Not a mistake but a decision involving planning and following through

Not saying OP must leave right away without making proper financial/childcare/living arrangement plans. Or maybe she will not leave at all. But I’d be careful excusing him and vilifying her regardless if she stays or goes.

I’ve been never cheated on, but know people who had that happened to them, it took long time to rebuild their self esteem and their life after such trauma. It’s not to be taken lightly

Its wise to think things through. Stay strong.

Therapy is a good idea regardless what you decide for the future.

Yes I can sense by how you share that you are trying to analyze what you are dealing with before you act. This tends to be a skill a mother develops as she deals with all the different challenges she faces raising children and running the home.

I don’t want to feed your emotions as you already have enough of them to deal with. This is something you were bound to figure out.

It doesn’t matter how unhappy your husband was either he made choices and there are consequences for his choices. He did this to himself he made choices that Will affect his life and he can’t just walk away from his responsibilities. Also he has responsibilities as a parent. His choice means he will face consequences from how this affects his children too.

I'm at my son's practice and I had to walk away. He talking to me like nothing's wrong. I mean I can tell he's uncomfortable but who cares. He doesn't want any of the parents to know yet. I want to scream it from the rooftops!!!! And he started walking away looking at his phone. Never done that before at these things. I'm furious!!! But he has the gall to look at me when I was texting a friend about an upcoming girls weekend we are planning so I can get away for this. All because laughed at a message. Who does he think he is!!??

Well he is hoping other parents don’t learn what’s going on. Actually it’s best they don’t know in terms of how that may affect your child. People do gossip and can be rather cruel.

It’s understandable that seeing your husband right now is upsetting. You are clearly overloaded with facing a major life change that he initiated. And he acted without respecting how that would affect his family. You have every right to be angry. And it’s totally understandable that you would rather not see your husband while you wrap your mind around what you are learning about what he chose to do behind your back.

He is probably afraid of what you might do. He made a choice and acted but that doesn’t mean he has really thought it all through including the consequences. Guess he needs more time to make up his mind right? How convenient well make him wait while you decide what you want to do. That includes learning your legal rights. And having time to think through what you want.

It’s hard to engage normally like being at your sons practice while trying to process. Use your thread if it helps you distance and distract yourself.

well back home from sons practice. I learned a lot from this experience. I don't want to be around him unless I absolutely have to be. I walked away 2 more time during the practice and I think he got the hint. He didn't look very happy, and we didn't say good bye to each other. I'm perfectly ok with it. I have to see him tomorrow for game . He also said something to me the other day about picking up some more clothes. I think I'm going to tell him to come tomorrow then after the game I wont have to see him for a week.

He really thought he could walk out and still talk to me every day and i would act like everything was perfectly fine. I guess i shouldn't be surprised... I thought I could too. Guess we were both wrong

I actually slept last night!!! Yea!!! So with more clarity, I was able to think straight. He asked a couple days ago if he could stop and pick up some more clothes. He packed d for himself which he hasn't had to do for 23 years and I guess he forgot warmer clothes and such. I really don't want to see him, but I don't trust him. I want to be here when he comes. I have to see him tonight so I texted him did he want to come this morning and get his stuff before kids wake u. (trying to protect the kids from seeing their father take more of his stuff out of the house.) He texted back he couldn't this morning because of appointments but how about another day this week? i texted back I have to think about it. He said ok. End of conversation.

I do need to think about it. Today so far has been good. I also feel like I need to reclaim some of my power. He's been calling all the shots for soooo long! He wants to talk every day. I decided I don't. I need space . Don't think he's happy about that but oh well. He can call the kids directly and find out how they are.

next obstacle... I'm going out of town for a girls weekend with my friend. We both need it. He needs to step up when I'm gone and do what needs to be done with the kids. I plan on texting him a little later about this. I'm not going to word it as a question. I have back up if he gives me crap, but these are his kids too. He can see what I have to do day in and day out. I'm giving him 3 weeks notice so he can arrange his schedule to take them where they need to be.

any advice on how to word the text? I hate this!!! I feel like I'm playing games, but I also feel like I'm walking a minefield and trying to keep my sanity.

I agree with what many are saying... but ultimately, you know your situation better than anyone. It's not that easy to just divorce someone that's been part of your world for that long. This unfortunately is my 2nd marriage, and it is falling apart much as you describe - but instead of a facebook friend, it's a woman he teaches with/now family 'friend' and instead of 'our' teenagers, it's his 16 year old son that I have been around since he was 3, helped raise since he 5 and lived with and actively raised since he was 8. I also believe it's some weird midlife crisis that includes an unhappy/dissatisfied streak coupled with a weird sense of being 'out of his league' (his words not mine) suddenly, disliking (intensely) his career, getting passed over for next steps in his career plan and living in a neighborhood where people can afford to do things that we can't. I am SHOCKED that he would do this particularly because his first wife splendidly cheated on him and resulted in an ugly divorce and a strained relationship to this day. My heart sank to read Open Eyes 2nd paragraph, I am very concerned about my SS (who doesn't know yet). In addition, her last sentence in that same paragraph is SPOT ON.

When you say you wish you were more independent as you were before you met him, I'd like to add perspective on that. Everyone has reasons they do what they do... stay home, keep working, move for a job, take a demotion to stay, etc. And they are good, solid reasons that make sense in where we are in our life. I couldn't have children, we tried when I was 40, the whole process... 4 years worth. I have a good career and have invested a lot in education and time to grow it and make more than 2ce what my husband makes. It's not as much as I could make (or could do) if I didn't live where I live and hadn't decided that I needed to commit to this man and child and be a part of their lives. I probably would have switched jobs/areas about 5-8 years ago. And I don't regret that. I was on one path, I met him and my path changed. Technically I am financially independent. We live in a two income house. I could afford it, but have no desire to keep up with maintenance of 5 acres, etc. He can't afford it. It's his child, not mine, so he can't/won't leave. I could leave - but I need my income to go with me if I am going to leave, rent a place etc. This is his choice and we have only been married for 4 years and I now have cell phone bills showing his growing relationship with this woman back to March 2019. Wow. I am not going to leave him in a house he can't afford where my name is on the mortgage and the deed. I am also not going to leave my SS dangling. I mean I understand $$ - my husband is going to pay the mortgage and have $800 left for the month - our 16 year old is an athlete and I spend more on that a month on groceries. (even shopping at Aldi - I have never seen another human being eat so much food in my life) So it's a delicate balance of trying to figure all of this out. And I am definitely not the winner. HE is the winner because I am putting his son first. I have a plan, there are other reasons - I am looking at the big picture. My point is - no matter how independent you feel/are - our lives are so intertwined with this other person's that it's sometimes just not that easy.

That being said, you do have to do some serious thinking about what you want. Could you take him back if he figured his stuff out? Could you trust him again? What does your employment opportunities look like? What does independence mean to you? (A good example is I might be financially independent but I moved to this area to take a job and then met him - I have NO LIFE outside of him here. Very few friends that aren't connected to my SSs friend's parents. My company is national and transient, so very few people there as well. I am completely dependent on my life with him. ) Are there things you can do to prepare for independence? What do you want to get out of therapy? (this is a GREAT step btw) What goals in your kids lives do you need to focus on as they navigate through this new normal? Do you know all about your joint finances? Gather all the account information and start building a snapshot of assets/debts. How long have you lived in your house? How much equity is in it? What's the fair market value. Do you want to stay in the house? Look at the laws in your state on divorce. If you can swing it, call and get a consultation from a family lawyer. (the more you know about the questions that I have raised, the more you will get out of that app - your situation will warrant child support/alimony...) Many more. To me, knowledge is power.

My other suggestion is to block him and the woman on facebook for a bit. It's really tempting to drag yourself down while this is going on. But IMO you need to focus on yourself right now. Which brings me to my other 2 pieces of advice that I constantly talk about. 1) Build your tribe. You need people to talk/text with and visit. This site can be one of them. 2) Self care. As women, we don't practice this enough but now it is vital that you take care of 'you' whatever that means to you. Your kids will benefit from it as well.

I also agree with Open Eyes that it's not a good idea to act too quickly. Especially right now in Covid times. Things are just weird. I know more friends in crisis right now than I ever had in my life. It's amazing. Even those who seem to have everything together are miserable or struggling in an area. I think you can prepare, think and take care of you without actually 'doing'.

None of this is easy. For me, I feel like I will be in limbo just to get to separation. It could be 6+ more months - work on the house, get through the holidays, tell the SS in 2021, have the house sold and be ready to move by the end of SSs school year. Then I have a year of separation. Meanwhile I have to watch the decisions my husband made drag down his son. I will feel guilty that his quality of life will drop a little. I already am worried about my husband buying another house in the area where my SSs school is. None of this is my doing, and yet I carry the burden. Technically it's not my problem. But really? What kind of person would I be if I didn't factor in the child I have raised? Meanwhile I'd like to go to the beach for a week and work from there so that I can get some peace for my head. Can't do it - can't spend the money. I have bigger things to worry about and I am trying to pay down as much of our debt prior to the house sale. My husband can go out and hang out with his 'friend' when SS is at his mom's but I am kind of stuck. Our people who make these decisions without factoring in the others in their lives are just selfish. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep writing. Good luck...

I think as far as the girls weeekend goes just be honest. You are stressed, you need a break and you desrve it. Did he ever talk to the kds himself?

Okay, so you let him call the shots for a long time because you trusted him to do so. Well, he changed that dynamic because he chose to do something that was a wrong choice in terms of his being responsible for his family. What he chose to do was totally selfish and disrespectful to his family.

Did you see the movie "Moon Struck"? Again, that's a movie that touched on real challenges men and women face. The mother needed to know "why do men chase women?". So she asked different men to see what their answers were. The mother went to dinner by herself and ended up seeing a man argue and get a drink thrown at him and the young woman he was with walked out. The mother ended up sitting and having dinner with this man. This man shared with her how he has experienced this before, but WHY he chooses to date these young women. He explained how he is actually bored with his job, but once in a while he sees a young face that looks at him adoringly like he is more than he is, that he has wisdom and depth. He explains how he engages this because of how it makes him feel, but that it only lasts a short while.

That movie shows viewers how the Mother's (Olympis Dukakis) husband behaves too. He has this woman he meets for lunch and even takes her to a concert. And what it's REALLY about is his ego and need to feel important and appreciated. Yet also his way to feel younger too. And if you have seen the movie, what the mother finds out is part of this is "fearing death". That's part of mid life crisis, but also looking for some way to feel younger and appreciated and important in some way. Yes, it has to do with ego, having something missing and also fear of aging too. Yet also feeling useful too, having some value/worth. We see these movies with these poignant messages in them, yet, truth be told Julie, this is where you are in your life. This is why your husband is chasing women too, why he lost weight and got a sports car. Also why he is in this state of confusion too. Not everyone ages gracefully, some have a hard time with it, actually maybe many do overall. It's like that bus driver I talked about in one of your threads and how he suddenly one day got so sick of the day in and day out route that he just changed it and drove for miles and miles.

You say how "come to think of it, I have not been all that happy either". You have your own regrets, even thinking you should have made it a point to be more self suffient. Yet, truth be told even if you were more self suffient, it would not have changed what you are going through with your husband right now. You wonder if there was something you did wrong too. Perhaps, its what you both missed unknowingly.

You have shared briefly that your husband and his son's relationship is somewhat strained. Perhaps your husband is subconsciously jealous and he also might be expecting his son to be more like himself too. He needs to know that his son is only going to be himself and his job as a father is to just support that. And I know that it was uncomfortable for you to see your husband at your son's practice, and even your son's game today. Yet, as hard as that is, you husband should be there for your son because that's what your son needs, to know his father is there even if their relationship is strained somewhat. Bottom line Julie, is that when we get distracted by our own stuff as parents, we can miss important things and we never get a redo. And our children, even in their teens simply do not have the life experience to even begin to understand these kinds of challenges. They fear too, and they often feel they are not important enough when their parents experience these challenges.

Your husband is so caught up in his own ego and facing his own fears and disappointments, that he is missing some very important things. At least he did show up to that practice and he should be able to show up for your child's game too. Your husband has lost sight of himself YES. Yet, he needs to understand the consequences of his choices and KNOW he will never get a redo.

When my daughter was graduating from high school, several of her friends were very upset and I heard them talking to her in her room. They were finding out that their parents were divorcing but had been waiting til they graduated and their parents had told them just after they graduated. They did not know what to do with all their confused feelings, including the anger they felt. One of her peirs upon finding out his parents were not getting along literally sat his parents down and said to them that HE needs them to hang in there so he had parents until he graduated. Now, when I talked about "gossip" and how cruel it can be, YES, and it most definitely trickles down to the children who genuinely do struggle with it.

You say, "what do I say to my husband, help", well, use what I am saying here about his making choices that he will NEVER be able to get a redo and change. I do not think your husband is in love with anyone, instead it's more about his need to feel something that is missing for him. That's really part of his overall confusion, and this does happen to many men his age.

LOL, just sitting here thinking about the scene in Moon Struck where the mother's husband is out to lunch with his secret girlfriend. It does such a good job showing how this husband is literally enjoying how he can brag about how he sold the job he just got and this woman gave him just what he wanted, "oh you are so smart". Then he puffs up even more and presents her with a charm bracelet which she again replies with how wonderful he is. They did such a good job NAILING exactly what is wanted and happens.

I wanted you to understand the psychology of what you are going through. Your husband is in a state of confusion, it happens and often men don't quite understand it. Yet, it was so very well captured in that one Lunch scene in that movie. It was even captured by that couple that owned that market too. Her husband stood by the window looking at the Moon and his wife was in bed and looked at him and said, "you know, in that light you look just like you did when you were 25", he liked that and they had midnight snack together. After that, the man was SO HAPPY, something was rekindled in him. And he sang "Isn't it Romantic".

OMG!!!! Moonstruck is one of my all time favorite movies!!!! How could I have not thought of that movie with all that's been going on?!

I think you are absolutely right! All this advice Im getting from everyone makes sense to me even though it could be completely opposite from each other. It all makes me look at this problem from all angles with I love. I cant believe how lucky I am to have found this and all of you. Its good to just get the words out there.

I really feel like it is a midlife crisis. When I saw him yesterday he didn't look good. Also I getting more concerned about my kids. I dont think husband understands what he has done to them. He aske me yesterday " I bet he couldn't wait to get here!" about my youngest. I said honestly "not really" and husband looked crushed. Maybe he's beginning to see this is not all about him. Talked to youngest because he has seemed off. This kid is a social butterfly. he hasn't been leaving the house. Well I got him to admit he doesn't want to , hes angry, and he's mad at his dad for being selfish.. Told him all his feeling are valid and he need to let them out. My oldest also told me the same thing later almost word for word. And they don't know about the other woman, at least i don't think they do. If that comes to light, things are going to go from bad to worse for husband. I told youngest not to hang out in the house for me. Ill be fine and get out there and be a kid. i hope he does.

Husband says he wants to take to me about kids and how they're doing. I don't think he would like what I have to tell him. But I need my space so I guess you're only gonna find out when we have to be together. He is a good father, very involved, but not perfect like we all are not perfect. He has just dug himself a hole that may be very difficult for him to get of.

Now I may have to go watch Moonstruck!

tri2thrive

Im so sorry youre going thru this. We sound like 2 side of the same coin! It helps so much come on here and venting. And to have wonderful people like you to give insight is just icing on the cake!

Oh, glad to learn you got to talk to your youngest and he was able to share with you his frustrations. You are a good mother in that you detected something off in him and made it a point to sit and talk to him about it. They do feel frightened and alone, they know when things are not right. It scares them and they don't know how to talk about it. You did good! It's important your children be able to talk about how things are affecting them. While they seem older in their teen years, there is so much yet they simply do not know. They need to know they can talk to us as parents. We have so much responsiblity they really depend on, more than we often realize.

@tri2thrive your step son is lucky to have you, it's so refreshing to learn how important his feelings and needs are to you. These younger individuals need a good mentor figure to help them through life challenges and whatever chaos they experience in life. So much they do not know about facing life challenges.

Wish me luck everyone! I have to see the husband again tonight at son's game. Fingers crossed it goes smoothly