no remorse from husband

I know it's hard, but remember what we shared as you can control your end, even if it's hard, it's for your son ok?

Maybe you can take turns attending sporting events. Even in intact family where both parents live together, they often take turns attending events. People work night shifts, wotk long hours, attend school, take care of elderly relatives etc Unless both people have no other obligations and are independently wealthy and don’t have to work, they can’t always both attend all events.

I think it’s healthy for dad attend one event alone and try to bond with his kids. He doesn’t sound very involved Doesn’t talk to them directly? Only through you?)

. Give him opportunity to be there for his son while you perhaps take a break

This is all still so new. We both have always gone to all his games. My son would be crushed if one of us stayed home just to avoid each other. I'm doing it for my kid. Its just the anticipation of it all. Besides...Ill be damned if he get all the fun while I stay at home. I plan to just say hi and avoid when possible. I hope it will get easier with time. Good news... no games for a week

Yes that’s true that this is all so new. It’s not something someone just knows how to navigate.

I understand doing things for kids. I totally get it. And I meant that you’ll do it for the kids, so they could bond with their dad.

Also it sounds a bit extreme teenager being crushed over one parent not showing up to a game. Is he very fragile? Do you guys never get sick or have to work late? That’s unusual. Is there some fun thing you could do with your other kid?

It doesn’t sound very healthy that you don’t want your husband to have fun with his kids without you present. As bad as he is as a husband it’s ok for him to
have fun with kids and it’s good for kids too and it’s ok for you to let them have that. Even in the most wonderful family it’s healthy for kids to hang out with one parent at times.

But I get that it’s hard for you now to figure out what’s right. It’s going to take time

Well... last night went better than expected. I was civil with husband and actually did quite a bit of socializing. I first for me. I ended up talking with one of my sons coaches for a bit during the game. It was quite eye opening. Myself and this guy have always had a fun and sibling like relationship...we like to give each other crap. Well, long story short, he guessed husband and I were having problems. Asked me flat out. He very close to my son so he seemed concern about him and frankly me also. I told him yes , but I didn't tell him everything. I did tell him quite a bit. He then proceeded to tell me his past troubles he had in his marriage(current wife who I know and like). They both cheated on each other years ago. He just told me from experience to take things slow and that I'm not alone. Husband went to party over weekend that I was invited to also but didn't go for reasons. Coach said husband was off and acting like" a ****" to him. He knew it wasn't him personally but something else. He just kinda pieced it all together. Husband came up and ask what we were talking about. Said team drama. NO lie... we did talk about it too. I cant believe he had the nerve to ask me. Wasn't mean of anything...just weird.

Thanks for letting me vent

You did good Julie and it was nice that the coach was able to offer some advice too. Sometimes experiencing a challenge like this can show you how caring others can be and expose you to getting to know others in a deeper way too.

Thank you! It was quite eye opening last night. Husband in the pasr has asked if I had a crush on this coach. I dont. I think husband was projecting and he really wasnt too happy that I talked to him that long. Oh well... get over it! also nice to know there is another adult who has my child's best interests at heart.

Not gonna lie... having a little bit of a backside today that I need to work thru.

It’s normal to experience backslides like this Julie. You are doing things not normal for you and feeling different emotions. You also have questions you are not ready to hear answers to yet too.

It’s my opinion of course: I’d not be discussing my marriage with my kid’s coach and wouldn’t want my husband to do that. Marriage is a private matter and unless this is your personal kind of friend (not kid’s coach) or your therapist, I’d really not do that. You and your husband might make up or what not but everyone already knows you are having problems. Just food for thought

Therapy is a good idea though

So is it common for both parents to go to all their kids' sports practices and games and these days? Mine at the most dropped me off at practice and maybe went to 1/3 of my games and meets. I survived. I think you can find a way to not have to be together at the events all the time.

Your strong and smart. Please go to Ted Talk and enter Esther Perel on infidelity and other relationship issues. Most Americans will tell you to leave him. You need to think about the entire relationship, not the past few months. Think outside the box. The majority of our society will say divorce, they maybe correct. Listen to your heart and look for remorse in him. If he doesn’t express that emotion it would cause me to really consider my options. Kind thoughts!

I agree, and I think this is what you are actually trying to do. Sometimes we can get very self involved, can struggle emotionally and lose sight of the other person. For example, your husband had wondered if you had a thing for the coach a while back right? You had no interest at all, and that's your feeling. Yet for some reason your husband felt threatened. Typically the reason that happens comes from the other person's insecurities, that they are doubting their self worth in some way. So when your husband watched you go and talk to the coach for a length of time he actually worried if his old insecurity was true. In his own mind he probably felt "see I knew I was somehow not good enough for her". Maybe in your husband's eyes this coach is younger, more fit, more carasmatic than him, and your son likes the coach and responds well with the coach and he sees you pleased with that. It's possible that your husband feels jealous. That perhaps it makes him "feel" inadequate seeing someone he thinks is getting respected more than him. And it's very possible that deep down he does love you, but feels inadequate in some way.

Your thread title says "no remorse from husband", and often in this kind of situation that is more about the other person actually thinking "see, she doesn't really care or really love me". There is an alone feeling that stems out of that, just as you yourself felt alone and ended up sharing here at PC. Now think about how it made you feel when you got all the responses you got, how others replied in ways that helped you not feel so alone with your challenged feelings. You shared more, even made friends too. Well, that is what happened with your husband too. He was struggling with his sense of value, his self worth, and he came across someone that somehow filled a need in him. Just as you are comforted by what you experience here, so was he by some person, a woman, online.

Sometimes Julie, it's not a partner that is being run away from, instead, it's the unhappiness that someone else is feeling inside about themselves. You don't want to talk to or see him because of how his behaviors have made you feel. Often that is a core challenge in someone who is going through the day to day grind but just isn't happy or isn't feeling appreciated. Honestly, that's what made me think about that true story about that bus driver tbh. It's also what made me think of a scene in Moon Struck where Olivia Dukakis happens to see that man get wine thrown in his face and gets walked out on. She/the viewer learned something in that scene about this man's unhappiness, unhappiness with himself. Then someone notices him and for a little while he feels good or worthy again but "it doesn't last".

Well, your husband should have gone to see a therapist, but, he ended up spending time with some woman that is compassionate and sits and listens to him instead. It's the attention he is drawn to, not her. In your thread here you have more than one showing interest in your challenge right? And maybe there is one that seems to get to how you feel more than others. Is that not dissimilar to your husband and him interacting with more than one woman on social media? Most if not all the replies you are getting are from women in your thread right? That is probably what your husband experienced as well.

SweetPotatoe is right in saying that most will advise to divorce and cut yourself free. But that is not always what is really needed when it comes to relationship challenges. And I think the coach you talked to mentioned how he had problems, but they were resolved.

I don't think it's a bad thing that you and your husband typically went to games together either. The problem that stands out to me when it comes to that is how your husband developed a jealousy of the coach. That's an inadequacy issue your husband is challenged with in himself. And that's part of why I did not really want to feed the betrayl you are feeling and instead while I agree your husband definitely made bad choices, I think that you want to step back and think about the overall picture. And while I do not want you to slip into self blaming, it's important to step back and evaluate how you may have unknowingly contributed to his feelings of inadequacy. And why is your son angry and blaming his father? What has been lacking in his relationship with his father? Perhaps his father doesn't know how to be present for him the way he needs him to be. A father can go to games and practices but not be present. This can happen when the parent is nursing their own unhappiness and disenchantment with self and end up being present but not present.

Years ago I read something very interesting about Stephen Speilburg. His parents ended up getting a divorce and for most his life he blamed that on his father. Actually, many of his movies are about children that have single mothers and the mothers are typically a bit niave and funloving. Well, it was not until later in Speilburg's life that he found out the divorce happened not because of his father, but it was his mother that cheated. His father in fact worked very hard to support his family and he did not cheat and he actually did love his family. Stephen Speilburg shared that he was fortunate that his father was still living so he could go to him and apologize for not seeing the truth and distancing. Stephen realized that his father must have been hurt by his mother's infedelities. We enjoy these movies Stephen created not realizing why there was a lack of "presence" of a father in them. And Stephen carried a resentment for his father for many years, until he learned the truth.

You mentioned your husband is a good father? Well, why doesn't your son feel that way about him, what is missing? How can your husband learn to be more "present" for his son, something is missing and your husband feels that but doesn't know how to change it. A parent can let a child down in ways the parent doesn't even realize. A child can feel let down not even realizing why too as was the case with Stephen who created that same theme in many of his movies of the "abscent father".

It's also very telling that your husband distanced but chose to go back home with his parents too. He is looking for guidance and is doing so in the wrong places. He probably doesn't even know how to articulate what he is feeling, what he is going through and why he is unhappy.

While we may joke about midlife crisis, it's really no joke and can be a very challenging time in one's life. A person can feel lost in many ways, and isn't really present but lost and looking for ways to feel present somehow. And this can be a vulnerable time where one can come across another person who somehow helps them feel present. Much like the man who sat with Olivia in that scene talked about with her. He lost sight of who he was and he chose to walk her home because she gave him some guidance and she did not invite him in to her home even though her husband was not home. She explained to him "I am married, and I know who I am", that's why it's time for you to leave.

OpenEyes

I just love your responses! They are sooo well written and thoughtful. I love to hear your opinion. I have to say today I'm in a better head space. I can think a bit more clearly. Although I am still very angry and hurt, I'm trying to look at things from different angles. When we had the talk before he left, he did say he was not happy and "depressed" . Looking back at that, I realize how big of a deal it is that he used that word , depressed. He never talked like that in the past. I do think he is depressed, and that he needs help. I know in the past he's been insecure, but I thought he changed. The coach isnt younger, actually 2 years old, but he is the polar opposite of husband. They get along great usually. We have known this man for at least 6 years so this isn't a new relationship. He and I have always gotten each other because we are introverts who are married to extroverts. I can't remember if I said what
the coach once said at a party, where drinking was involved, that if we met at another time, we would probably be married. Outloud to everyone. I said no way we'd kill each other! At the time, I kinda blew it off, but looking back, that's probably around the time my husbands problems started to come into a little bit of focus.

I saw husband again yesterday. Went okay. Civil but awkward. The one thing that stood out was i was walking up the the field. Husband already there. I happened to run into coach on the way up . The look on husbands face when he saw us together was.... hard to describe. I think it might have been some anger, but it was gone so quick. my self esteem is practically non existent so when the comments are are made by coach, i don't see them as flirtatious. Maybe husband does.

I understand husband has issues, but right now i need to focus on my own sanity. Maybe after we have the talk, we can work on his too if he wants to and if i do too. i should not be seeing him until monday so we will see how it goes.

I'm already realizing some of my culpability in this along with my own issues with possible depression. I know things that I could have done differently. It just that right now I don't trust him and i don't know if I can get over .that. Lots more work for both of us I think.

It’s completely understandable that you are feeling the way you do about trust. We can accept a lot of things another person may not do but those can be tolerable. Yet when a partner strays that’s creates a grievous disappointment and sense of betrayal.

We always can look back and recognize things we could have done differently. However we all learn as we go and we all tend to choose what we know as we navigate trough our lives. I respect your willingness to see how you may have missed things and would do differently if you could go back. Thing is we do not get a redo and can only proceed forwards with what we learn and hope to navigate better When it comes to trust, that is something that both in a relationship has to work on rebuilding.

In my opinion from reading what you have shared though is the person your husband cheated was in fact himself. Perhaps that’s where the lack of remorse really lies too. Depression tends to come from anger and self disappointment turned inward on self.

I see what you're saying. Only time will tell if he has true remorse. Named this thread that at the beginning because I was soooo angry. I caught him in the act of texting a woman. Of course he was defensive. Part of the problem with us is maybe I didn't call him out on his bull enough. I haven't seen that look on his face since high school! and I took me awhile to figure out what that look was. I hope he has remorse in the future about his actions, regardless of where we end up. All I know at this point, our relationship has changed for good whether we get back together or not. I can't go back to keeping things to myself and not speaking my mind. I also need to start making choices on my own. I have already started that and it has made me feel better. Cant see going backwards at this time. I have some changing to do and so does he. If after that were okay, great. If not, i'll be heartbroken but I'll survive. I need changes too. This seems like its no longer all about him

Well it’s probable that you are both experiencing mid life challenges. It tends to creep up on most of us.

Progress!!!!

There has been an issue in our marriage for quite a few years between husband and I. Our oldest came out as tranmasc a few years ago. It didnt go very well at first to be honest. I have done my research and support my child 100%. He isn't completely out to the family yet by his choice so we haven't told any friends yet.

Husband did not take it well at all and kept calling him by his deadname and using wrong nouns. Then got him to call him by childhood nickname, but still used wrong pronouns. He refused to to talk about this at all, and he would become annoyed when I would use name and pronouns.

In our second heart to heart after separation, he brought up to me that he felt like I was pushing our child to be trans because I was doing all this research and work. I was taken aback. That's the first time i ever heard that. He said if oldest wanted it, he should work for it. I told him that I did research and thought I knew more than kid. Boy was I wrong!!! Told husband "He knows more than you can imagine but..." and he cut me off and said"she didn't feel comfortable enough to come to us" I was shocked!!! He got it

So today oldest got news they were accepted to college! SO excited! Asked if Dad knew he said yes. So after some reluctance I texted him to share the news. He very happy, and then I noticed something in the text.... He was using the correct pronouns!!!! I couldn't believe it! I felt this warranted at phone call. I call and said I noticed his pronoun use and it made me very happy.. He said its hard but he's trying. He seemed very pleased I noticed and went out of my way to tell him. I told him thank you, that by him using the pronouns made me feel heard by him, something I haven't felt in a long time. ANd I told him that in those words. Pleasant interaction. Cant believe hes finally come around a bit. I just don't want my child and their relationship destroyed.

Its turned into a not so bad day!

Good that your husband is trying to accept. It’s a challenge to understand and accept. And it’s still relatively new and not so much something you and your husband were exposed to when you were younger either.