no remorse from husband

Ok Julie, thanks for explaining more. I totally get how you don't want to hear I am sorry too. You are still basically in shock and angry and hurt right now. And because you outed him with this, that's even worse because the question is "how long would he have continued this behind your back ?".

This escapade of his was all about his own ego.

People can make some really bad decisions based on their ego. They can jump into something without thinking about the consequences. Even when all the red flags are right in front of them they act on impulse, in the moment instead of thinking down the road what they will face. Then they want special attention when they chose something they should not have and they often prefer to run off and do it too because their ego is driving them more than reason.

Hmm, making desicions without thinking about your partner? Why? Because his own ego was more important.

I don't know if I can get past it. I have my first therapy appointment this week. Im leaning heavily to leaving. I'm just not there yet. I need to get some things in order. I already have an attorney in mind. I guess I want him to have the balls to pull the trigger. I'm just scared out of my mind. I want to be able to get my credit card, that's in my name only paid down before I do anything. Its just hard ya know Ive been with this person for more than half my life. Theres just a very very small part of me holding me back. Im hoping therapy will help me work that out

exactly!!!!!

Therapy should help. To me, it’s a matter of self respect and broken trust. But that’s how I view cheating. If I caught my husband doing something like that it would be over with no conversation. I agree with divine. Take back your power and be the one to file for divorce. Why let him end things and hurt you more?? He’s already moved out and is uncertain. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t have cheated. Hold your head high and show yourself some self respect. If you accept the affair, you’re accepting disrespect and total disregard.

I also think that if you accept this affair, you are accepting disrespect and disregard. He has ''issues'' with his ego. Therapy will help you (keep us posted)

@Julielynn1990, what I mean by this is that any decent man would have confronted the issues with you before deciding to cheat. Instead, your husband was a coward and weak and carried on an affair, which shows disrespect and disregard for both YOU and the marriage.

If my husband had an affair for 8 months, there is (1) no way I would ever trust him again and (2) no way that I would be able to maintain any sense of self respect if I chose to remain with him.

You deserved far better than how he treated you, which is my main point. You deserved honesty and fairness, not cheating, dishonoring, lies and deception. This man is not worthy.

A good youtube talk about infedelity and repair. Choosing repair and growth is not being weak, it's not accepting an affair nor does it mean you don't have self respect either. A lot depends on the history of the relationship, the bigger picture. You have 33 years together and there is more to your relationship to be considered.

Can couples stay together depite infedility? - Yahoo Video Search Results

I think in the end, you have to do whatever feels right and best for YOU.

I knew a lady who contracted HIV from her husband who slept around. She didn’t think of using protection as he was her husband. She had no clue that he had unprotected sex with someone else. At the time I knew her she just started develop AIDS, she lived HIV positive for a long time still being healthy, but it caught up to her. Sad story.

Of course it’s possible that these cheaters are all using protection. But I doubt it. Big price to pay for a bit of fun. I think even if I was unable to move on and had to stay married, I personally would never touch him again because I’d just not trust. Plus he is still in relationship with her. So if they are still doing it, it’s just scary stuff. Too dangerous

No men is worth getting STD, especially not curable one like HIV. Imho of course

Also, is it 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 people that have Herpes? It's a high number whatever it is.

Julie, I doubt you are thinking about being intimate with your husband right now. However if he is saying he still loves you and is asking to come home and he wants the marriage then he needs to be tested. Also if you have been intimate with him when he may have been with another woman then demand he be tested.

Yes, I don’t know exact number but I heard it’s common.

It’s scary because he had sex with someone else all year and his wife didn’t know and possibly was intimate with him right after the other woman, so she was put at huge risk of contracting something from him. Scary stuff. I heard of too many people in bad situations because their spouses sleep around. Scary. Even if he does tests now and is clean, could he be trusted a year from now? Two years? Ten years? I’d never trust again even if just for that reason. Too big of a price to pay

Yeah. It IS very scary. It's a very hefty price to pay if protection was not used and an STD is passed.

Checking in to see how you are doing (((Julie))). I know you share here to not feel alone and to gain control over all the feelings you are experiencing. I worry that while considering possible std and hearing things about other people and bad things will only feed into the very thing you are working on getting a handle on. Feeding fears when someone is already struggling doesn't do anything to help the person gain control over. So I want to make sure you are maintaining control as you have been making progress with that. Given what you have shared, chances are it's very low that your husband was exposed given that over 8 months most of his interaction was through texts and conversations and not much in person contact given how this woman is 9 hours away.

I think you did real well with that talk when you remained calm. Listening, as hard as that can be is important because it gives you facts instead of running away with all your fears and feelings which you have a lot of right now. It's important to keep in mind "feelings" are not facts and it's easy to get caught up in feelings instead of finding out the facts.

I brought up the movie "Moonstruck" for a reason and some may step back thinking "what does some movie have to do with this?". The writer and director John Patric Shanley is older and has shown remarkable talent as a playwrite, screenwriter, and director. Perhaps his intelect for writing about these human realities comes from his education at Steinhardt School of Culture, Education and Human Developement. In his personal life he was married and divorced twice, so it's very possible he learned some important facts that he is sharing in his writing of Moon Struck. In that we can be thankful and look at his work in different lights. I think you can appreciate that given in that you have shared thus far how you do like to step back and see things in different lights. Not everyone can do that, yet he has shared "why do men chase women" which is interesting because clearly it's from a male perspective. Perhaps that is why these different scenes touch on some important truths about humanity.

While that movie was a romantic comedy, it was very respected in that it touched on important "realities" about life and people that while entertaining was also thought provoking as well. It was a way to educate and entertain at the same time. Cher's character was afraid of what might happen when her finace came to her house that morning. What would she say, what would HE say. And even the audience wondered but also knew more than the character Cher did. Their fears were resolved because her fiance was planning on backing out because his mother was not going to die after all. Sometimes our fears are worse than reality and a good writer and director can present us with a story and movie that pulls us into the many angles of relationship problems and resolutions.

When we have our own challenges, it's better to develop the capacity to step out of the picture of all that is taking place so we can find the facts instead of getting swept away by our emotions. The one character that managed to do just that was the mother played by Olympia Dukakis.

I just want to say I’m here if you want to chat. You doing everything on your own terms and timing is also taking back your control!

Interesting thread ((( hugs ))))

Much love and respect

You need to have a good conversation with him. Sit him down and discuss your concerns with him. You have to let him know these irritating things he does to you and around you is doing to you. Try marriage counselling. This is good because the counsellor will give good advice and you can talk about your problems.