no remorse from husband

i know I'm new here and I'm afraid people will think I'm crazy. I just need to vent here. i hope people will offer advice or insight, but I'm up late and cant sleep because I feel my marriage is falling apart.

I posted on a different thread that I confronted my husband of 23 year, 33 together, of acting strange and feeling like something was off. This happened on Tuesday at 5. He denied it at first. I forced the issue and said he didn't look happy. He then said he wasn't. He said was unhappy and depressed. I've never heard him refer to himself as depressed! I asked what he was unhappy about. He said everything. His job, his life, me ,and the kids(2 teens). After some more talking he said it might be best to take a break for a month. I said fine but I pushed if there was someone else. Denied at first the yes I'm talking with someone. Wouldn't say at first where they met them, just that I didn't know them. Then got met on Facebook. I said you're willing to throw away our marriage on a woman you have never met in person? He said we've met. I literally ran out of the house after he said that.

I came back after 5 mins and we talked a bit more. Its a blur. After that he was packing a suitcase to go to his parents who live in walking distance. He asked who should tell the kids. I said you of course. He called them downstairs and said he needed time and space to think so he's leaving for a bit. Told him he loved them asked if they had any questions and walked out the door. Leaving me to try and help them with their feelings and well as my own. this was 7:30. It took 1.5 hours for our lives to blow up.

He said he wanted to talk every day to see how the kids were doing. I didn't rememeber that at first and became frustrated. I need space now. Its not going to be easy for the next 2 days because our youngest has activities be both go to. Also he is not aware but I did some digging and found possibly 3 candidates for the affair on his page. Or frankly all 3 were in contact with him. That is what I'm thinking happened at this point. I had one name confirm on accident. He was picking up our youngest yesterday. Since our conversation ended weirdly the night before with me saying I don't know if I can talk every day , I went out to his car to say hi and extend an olive branch. That's when I saw he was texting someone named one of the names on my list on his phone. He didn't see me coming or he just didn't care. I confronted him as peacefully as I could and he admitted she was 1 of them, I said ""what?" he said the 1. She knows he's married and doesn't care according to him.

I just cant believe this is my husband! He never had a cruel bone in his body and now this. I know he's in the middle of a midlife crisis but he doesn't seem to want to help himself. I'm now thinking that maybe this marriage can't be saved and he doesn't want to save it anyways. But why does he need a month to think? Why not just leave? But I'm starting to think I don't want him back and maybe I 'm better alone. I wrapped my whole life up in his and now he doesn't want me anymore. I'm heartbroken and confused. Angry with myself for getting my self in this position by not being more independent like I was when we met.

Any advice or insight anybody can give me would be great. This is just so new and raw. I cant sleep and I cant eat! I feel like I'm drowning!

Thanks

This is devastating news! I am so sorry. He says he needs space, well, so do you! Your kids are teenagers so if you don't want to talk to him (tell him you need space too!) about how they are doing, why not have him talk to them himself to learn how they are doing? He has really betrayed you and being depressed/in a midlife is not a valid excuse for cheating.

He is a cheat and going by how nonchalant he is about this, it’s not the first time that he is being unfaithful. File for divorce. ASAP. That’s my only advice.

TurnedOut

Thank you for you responses. I did tell him to call the kids himself. he said okay but he doesn't want any conflict with their schedules with me. Like he said " i want to take oldest out Sunday, and I just didn't want you to have plans with them and step on your toes" First of all he knows what that kid usually does on Sundays. Second, he and my oldest have a slightly strained relationship for reasons I really don't want to get into right now. So...WTF? I told him they were old enough to relay messages to me and tell him if they're available. Why
does he feel the need to talk to me?

Thanks for your help! I already feel a little less alone.

Divine1966
I wonder if you can possibly explain why I need to move so quick? Sincere question because I truly do go back and forth with whether I wait the month or pull the trigger. I do feel he's underestimating me and doesn't think I will file first. But it also hasn't even been a week.

@Julielynn1990, I am so sorry to hear about the position you are now in. That is very painful to deal with and face. I'm so sorry.

I think your husband's sneakiness and infidelity says it all. He's met someone behind your back, which means he has lied to you about where he was going whenever he went to meet this woman.

And him texting her while knowing you were nearby? That also says a lot about his state of mind.

Do you know if they have slept together? Has he spent the night out recently? Even if he was only gone a few hours while pretending to be elsewhere, he could have slept with this woman already, and I'm guessing he has. I'm so sorry to be so blunt and forthcoming, but these are the things you're going to have to ask yourself and face.

I agree with Divine on this. He is now uncertain and has also cheated. Why try to force the relationship any further at this stage? He needs time to think? He is not invested anymore, I hate to say it and he's already taken steps to get out and move on..... if I were you, I would do the same and I wouldn't wait. I would file for divorce and I would just say, that's it, we're done.

And I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying what I am saying, but I am very honest and direct about things on here. I know it hurts tremendously after so many years together. But this is his doing and his choice, and he chose to sneak around, lie to you and cheat. He has shown you true colors. You deserve far better. Hugs to you.

No I thank you for your honesty. I have scheduled a therapy appointment in 2 weeks. She couldnt get me in sooner. New to therapy. Im leaning towards not communicating with him until then until I absolutely have to. I need the therapy. I am leaning towards ending this, but I have so much to work out.

And I appreciate brutal honesty! That's what I have telling my friend I need. so thank you for that.

Well I personally don’t care how long he’s been cheating. A week or a year. He is cheating on his spouse. Ending it immediately is not too fast. Why do you think you need to wait? Unless you want to be married to a cheater (make sure you never have sex with him though as it will take one time to get STD including HIV since who knows who he might have sex with besides you).

If you are dependent on him, take steps to become self sufficient independent woman so you aren’t limited in your options and aren’t forced to stay with a cheater because you can’t pay bills on your own. Make your self sufficiency your life priority. If you plan on staying together, insist on regular STDs tests. Your health is in jeopardy and he can not be trusted.

First, you are not crazy at all. Second, I am not going to tell you to jump up and divorce him right away either. It's clear that you want to have time to think about this challenge and make up your OWN mind. Also, it's not a good idea to act too quickly. Instead you deserve time to investigate how to move forward through this challenge. You can talk to a lawyer so you can see what ground you stand on too legally. You should do that as soon as you can to prevent your husband from secretly pulling away money from accounts etc. There is the emotional, and that's hard, but it's also important to move forward in a smart way too and know your rights.

Somehow, in your conversation with your husband however, he needs to know that his choices are most definitely going to affect his/your children who are only in their teens and simply do not have the life skills to understand what's suddenly happening with their parents. Often, teens feel they are not even being thought about and their feelings are being ignored and maybe mom and dad don't even care about or love them. Often there are deep resentments that develop as well. Also, FEAR of what will this do to their lives? They WILL feel ABANDONED and that can affect them the rest of their lives. Your husband has to be told that. Also, your husband should know that these other women who KNOW he is married are actually SELFISH women who don't care to respect what pain they may be causing to his family, that's VERY selfish.

Also, just because you did not have your own job or career, it doesn't mean you are wrong. You chose to be a homemaker and a mother and to be there for your children. Perhaps you need to think about going back to school and making some changes in your own life. That being said, your husband will have to pay child support and probably alimoney too. He "can't" just walk away from his responsibilities.

True friends are honest with each other, even if it has to be very honest and brutal. I always appreciate when my own friends confront me with the full truth. Hugs to you.

I am so sorry your husband did this to you, JulieLynn. I've never been in a marriage, and my longest relationship was 2 years. Take some time for yourself and listen to your gut. I just want to throw out there too, that you deserve to be happy and you deserve respect and to be treated well. You don't deserve to be cheated on.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. No, you’re not crazy, although I appreciate your current state of mind might, understandably, make you feel otherwise.
Also, don’t let him or anyone else try to blame any of this on you - you don’t control anyone’s behaviour except your own. You cannot compel another person to cheat on you! It’s on him if he really did feel there were problems and he didn’t want to try and work through them with you. Most likely all he will be able to give you are excuses, and blame shifting.

I completely understand what you are saying. I am in the process right now of trying to figure out what I want. and I dont know that its him! appreciate you tough love!

Wow! You've really hit the nail on the head! Its just so new and raw still. I do have any lawyer in mind already. Believe me I dont trust him one bit and he knows this. I think he thinks Im not so smart either because I know WAY more than he thinks I know. Also I dont know how I had my faculties about me when this all happened but I remembered we had a fairly significant amount of cash in the house. Immediately after he left it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I ran to look for it and it was gone!!! i had a bit of a panic attack. Called him and asked him to stop by before he went to his parents. He did and i asked where it was. He said I have it. I said give it to me. Hw asked why and I said because i dont trust him and I want it!!! He gave it to me. Probably the smartest think I have ever done. Its going into new checking account in my name next week.

thank you so much for your kind words. you have no idea what they mean to me at this time! Its unbelievable the level of support I already feel here

There is nothing wrong with stepping back and sorting before acting. I actually respect the fact that you recognize that you are not ready to talk to your husband either yet. Acting on impulse tends to bring on more grief and regrets.

You will get a variety of responses. But each response you get is based on someone elses experience and how they themselves feel about what you are faced with. No one knows you or your husband and some may not have children either.

Recently I watched a movie based on a true story about a woman who got into a car accident with her husband and sustained a brain injury. As a result it caused her to forget many recent parts of her life, including meeting her husband, marrying him and her life with him. She felt very lost and moved home for a while and while she was living at home she learned that her father had cheated on her mother with her best friend. She felt horrified that her mother did not tell her about that. And she asked her mother why she stayed married to her father. Her mother responded with how at first she was going to leave the father even though the father ended the affair. The mother said that as she was thinking about leaving she looked at her home and all the pictures of her family and realized how important her family was to her. She thought about her husband and decided to stay and forgive him, she said that she decided not to destroy her relationship for the one thing he did wrong but to stay for all the things her husband did right. Everyone has their own "deal breaker" when it comes to relationships. It's very upsetting to learn a husband had an affair and now that I think about it, this happened when the girl was in her late teens maybe 20 so it's that mid life crisis thing.

When I heard this mother's response as to why she stayed it made me realize that sometimes people really do mess up, and yet how many things did that person do right? Well, IMHO, that's something YOU have to decide as after all you had a very long relationship with your husband. Thirty-three years is a very long time with someone. I am not going to tell you to make an impulsive decision based on how I might feel, or what my deal breaker is. While some do end their relationships, others work past it and stay together. Perhaps, what they make their decision on is not just that one wrong thing, but many of the right things they shared together. Well, where you are at right now is not in that place yet where you can see that perhaps, but, I think it's partly there. I think the hard part is facing something you never expected to face and it's very common to feel what you are feeling and even not know what to do about it. Oh, I could feed your negative emotions and anger, but that's only going to feed the part that may act on impulse vrs being smart and wise despite the emotional challenge you are experiencing.

We go through things together in a marriage/long term relationship, but we also go through things separately as well. You experience things many women experience and your husband experiences things many men go through too. Well, the woman married to that bus driver I talked about in your other thread I think, never imagined what it really was like to be her husband having to drive that same route day in and day out. She had her own day in and day out routine. Well, people can be together in a routine and yet also be apart in ways they don't realize. A couple can actually drift apart not realizing it and get lonely. They are together, but not really together.

So your husband strayed from you, but did you do that too? No, I don't mean by interacting with a different person and developing a realtionship that may be filling something abscent. I mean more of contributing to creating whatever grew to be abscent in the first place. That tends to be felt when something like this happens and the wife says, you know come to think about it I have not been all that happy myself. You can act on anger and shock, but it's also a time to sit and think about your own happiness when it comes to your relationship. Truth is, people sometimes do grow apart, are not that happy but don't really pay attention the way they should.

I disagree that the OP had any hand in him straying, and I disagree that cheating is a “mistake” that needs to be forgiven. That is the OP’s choice to make, of course, but cheating is very often deliberate because “they could”, not because their spouse was failing to meet their needs. You can be the best partner on Earth and still get cheated on.

I have been thinking about my part in us growing apart. I know I have things I have to change for myself. Thats why Im going to therapy. To work on myself for myself. If it helps my marriage, great. if not, so be it. I did bring up couples therapy to him for the future. If he chooses not to go, that may be my line in the sand moment. Til then thanks everyone for listening and really talking to me about all this. I cant possibly be more grateful

You have every right to be shocked, angry, and frightened and lost right now. I am trying to not feed your fear if I can, but to help you not go into a panic and acting on inpulse. It's so normal to all of a sudden not trust and be fearful. Also to start seeing things concerning. You certainly can't change what your husband did and it's understandable you are thinking back and adding up the signs too. It's hard right now, yet, it's important to keep your head above all these confusing feelings.