no remorse from husband

Exactly! I'm just glad it sounds like he's doing some soul searching on this brek instead of just running around. Maybe hes willing to do some work, at least for our kids

Julielynn Im going through something very similar as your situation with you husband. I can totally understand what you are feeling. I say give yourself time to digest everything that happened. I know it’s very hard to have your marriage fall apart in minutes specially when you thought your marriage fine. Feel all the feels and know that you don’t have to rush into making any decisions. Hugs and know that self love and self care is very important during this time. Be gentle with yourself and don’t try to act out if anger as you don’t want to look back and regret your actions. I’m here for support.

The important thing to remember when it comes to our children is it's our responsibility is to help them develop their own identity and support whatever they choose, As long as it's not becoming a drug addict or criminal or something along those lines.

Thank you Luna 34. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this with your own husband. As the saying goes...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! Feel free to contact me any time to share or just vent. It can be private of course. I have found writing out my thoughts and feelings has helped so much at this time. There are wonderful people on here who listen and great advice! Keep strong! I know I'm trying to

I guess I really suppressed how much the issue with our oldest child was affecting me and my marriage. when talking to mom and friend they both pointed out how much I hated the feeling of being pulled in two different directions. I must have talked about it more than I realized. Talked about it with everybody but husband. I really suppressed it. I'm trying not to anymore. I'm trying to be honest with myself about what I wasn't happy with in this marriage.

You were just trying to be a good mother, being protective and trying to respect your children's feelings and needs and advocate for them. I commend you for making it a point to learn about this challenge and genuinely wanting your child to navigate this challenge with your support. Your husband struggled to accept this and as the mother you wanted to protect your child and advocated even though you faced your husband's struggle with accepting this particular challenge.

A challenge like this can definitely affect one's marriage and you were pulled in two different directions. Our children are not there to live life according to our needs and wants. They need to have permission to live their own lives. Though they are our children we do not "own" them, they are their own beings and it's our job as a parent to help them learn to navigate the way THEY want with who they are.

What your husband is missing about this challenge is as he is trying to deny the reality of this, so was his child who more than likely wanted to be what is considered more "normal". My daughter has dyslexia, I had to learn about it, had help from Yale to let me know how to help her learn and what her challenged areas were. When she learned she was different, she had been treated badly by her piers and she struggled wishing she did not have this challenge. It's simply how her brain is wired and even though she struggled with some things, she happened to excel in other things. I did not have a problem with my husband accepting her dyslexia in that he has it too. The problem was more in him having patience with her. My husband is extroverted and very active as he also has ADHD, something I had to learn about too. I am a much deeper thinker then he is and he gets very impatient.

We are learning more and more about how individuals simply have brains that are wired differently. Some have bipolar, some dyslexia or adhd or with aspergers or autism for example, and yes some gay or trans. If we sit in a crowded place and just look around us, people come in all shapes and sizes. Some inherit little noses, some bigger noses, some have red hair, some black, some light skinned, some darker skinned, different blood types the list is endless. When we have a child we produce something that develops from quite a range of genetics. As a parent one has to accept whatever they produce and help that life you create to have a quality life in whatever way their genetics allow.

What just came to my mind is the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". That movie was funny but also had some good messages in it. I liked the part where the mother explained to the daughter, "Yes, your father is the head of the family, but I am the neck that turns the head". The mother had to work on helping her husband accept that his daughter was not going to do or be what he wanted. Some of the ways the mother handled him was so funny. I think that is often what we as mothers and women have to learn to do. Your husband is pouting like the father did in that movie. Some are apples and some are oranges, but in the end we are all fruit.

You are absolutely correct again. I'm just happy that he's making the effort finally. Its funny... our youngest was diagnosed with ADHD in 1st grade. I felt like he had it much earlier, and husband fought me on that too for a bit. He finally agreed when in Kindergarten youngest yelled out "I cant think! My brain is fuzzy!" It just seems like he doesn't want to deal with the realities of raising kids sometimes, but he has made progress thank goodness. I guess husband just has some growing up to do. Better late than never

Do you think it's possible your husband has ADHD? It's hereditary so that's why I asked.

Thank you.. I appreciate the offer. I’m here if you want to vent or talk. As this can be a very lonely journey.

We've talked about it briefly. I know it runs on my side, but it is something to think about. Maybe I will if and when we get to talking. He's never been impulse before this though he has expressed difficulty sitting thru meetings and such. I just don't know how receptive he will be, but I will keep it in the back of my mind.

Some have it and just don’t know. My husband has it and he didn’t know. I had to learn about it. They can be impatient and can have a hard time sitting still unless they are watching something that has action. They can be extroverted. They have a hard time sitting and listening for too long. I am sure you know this if your son has it.

My therapists wife has it and his son has it too. He is more introverted. His wife has struggled with depression. His wife has it yet has a genius IQ so it’s not indicative to lack of intellect.

OpenEyes

It is something to think about. My son"s case of ADHD is very mild now that he's older. No behaviors, just focus issues. Most people are shocked to hear he has it.I've made sure that son isn't ashamed of his ADHD. Its something he has, not who he is. I think this could be something to bring up in therapy if we go the route of couples therapy. Thanks for your insight!

Actually Julie, from what you have shared I think your husband would benefit by seeing a therapist for himself. It could be and may very well be that your husband strayed simply because he was lonely with his challenged feelings and happened to come across someone that was sympathetic and that's really what he was drawn to. When the wife is giving all her compassion and attention to her children, the husband can begin to feel left out and get lonely and even depressed.

When you faced that challenge with your oldest child, you made it a point to research what that challenge meant so you could interact with this oldest and nurture and help with the navigation of dealing with that challenge. It was not an easy thing for you to navigate either, but, you want to be a good parent and you want to be there for this oldest the way that is needed. Your husband genuinely struggled with this challenge, and it contributed to his feeling powerless. His delay in using the right name and pronouns was showing that he was struggling with understanding this challenge, it frightened him and he was showing his unwillingness or discomfort with his own feelings. Actually, this is not all that different from how your youngest has gotten quiet and distant. And has not been connecting with his father the way he needs. You sense something is wrong and you sat and comforted him. You did something your husband doesn't know how to do and it can make him not only experience a sense of inadequacy, but also a bit of jealousy as well. And jealousy can mean seeing someone else handle something that you don't know how to handle but would like to, and also wishing someone would sit with you and help with how you feel and yet you feel left alone with how you feel. It's not all that different in what motivated you to reach out here to these forums. And that the responses you are getting are helping you to not feel so alone with all you are dealing with too.

You have been experiencing a lot of emotions with this challenge, totally understandable as you definitely have some challenges and you are at a loss of what to do and how to navigate forward. Well, this is how your husband has been feeling and it has made him unhappy and depressed and lonely which made him vulnerable to reaching out to the wrong place. However, as I mentioned, he has also spent time with his parents too. It's probable that he did that because he is hoping to find some sort of comfort there, a way of distancing himself because he is lost and doesn't know how to navigate all these challenges he is experiencing.

You have stepped back and you have been noticing things, signs your husband was straying in a way. Yet, when you think about the bigger picture, you have to look at everything because there is quite a bit there that you have been slowly sharing and unpacking here with members trying to support you with what you do share.

The thing about raising children Julie is that we are also raising them in a new generation too. Each generation presents changes that parents are not always quite ready for. As we are raising our children, we as parents are also still learning and growing too. We do not have all the answers and there are things we miss too. I know that when I was growing up in my generation, I never was exposed to what you and your husband are trying to deal with in your oldest. I have faced a lot of challenges, including infedility that I did not know how to navigate.

With each tier we face as we go through our lives, we face new challenges and truth be told, we are learning through our entire lives. When we are in our teens, we are learning about what it means to live in our teens and we tend to look at our piers and as we do that we are trying to learn how to navigate a variety of personalities and behaviors. We are also looking for ways to connect too because it's simply in our nature to do so. Then we face our twenties and we learn how to navigate that period in life, then we have to learn how to navigate our thirties which is different than our twenties, and then our fourties and by the time we hit our fifties, we go through changes in our bodies where we are becoming more aware of how much we are changing in ways that aint so great. And if we happen to have teenagers, we are now facing challenges where we have individuals that have opinions and needs and are becoming their own person too. And our teenagers are often in a very different kind of generation that we ourselves had not experienced. Often as they are trying to navigate, truth is so are we as the parent. (our teens tend to think we should JUST know and have the answers, but lets face it, we don't have all the answers)

Truth is, we can get so busy navigating the challenges we face that we can actually forget who we are too, that we somehow lost touch with who we are. It's also a bit different for men than it is for women too. Some couples get so busy they lose their connection with each other. It can be as if they live two separate lives, not even realizing it either yet it just seems to happen while they navigate their lives.

Well, you have been together for 33 years and navigated some of these tiers and it's now at a point where something new is taking place and a lot of couples experience this in some way. When feeding the emotions, one can make the mistake of throwing the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. It's one thing if your partner has not been there or loyal throughout the relationship, or you faced alcoholism or constant emotional abuse in some way, that can mean it's best to make a break. Yet, that's why it's important to take the time to unpack and examine the bigger picture. We can get to a tier in our lives that is more difficult than the rest, a period of confusion and questioning one's navigation, perhaps something needs to change that one doesn't know but feels the strain of. To assume a partner should "just" know is a mistake, because the truth is often a partner doesn't know and feels lost and lonely. This is when one needs to learn how to listen, as often it's expressed in a way that is missed and even the one struggling doesn't quite understand it either. We don't get to trade places with our partner, we can get so we don't really know our partner's personal challenges every day or their personal stresses or challenges they are struggling with but don't talk about very much. You say you let him have control of this or that, but what is it like to have those responsiblities? There are pressures and challenges we may not realize. And that's why a marriage counselor can help and get a couple to learn how to reconnect again or decide that there is not path to reconnection. It depends on the individuals and the history of their relationship.

Open Eyes

Are you a therapist? Haha! I just cant get over how much thought and insight you have into all my issues right now! I totally agree that husband would benefit greatly from so therapy. I hope he does it. Its one of the things I plan to bring up in The Talk. I feel couples therapy is the only way we will be able to even try to stay together. My biggest problem is me right now. I overthink and overanalyze even one of our interactions. I'm also the type of person who needs answers right away. This waiting is killing me, but I'm also aware that things could be much worse between us. He's talking to me opening about money now which I appreciate. He has brought up a couple of issues we need to work on together in our finances which is great, but then I think of him texting that woman and my heart breaks again. It changes moment to moment but if i'm honest I think I would like to work things out. My problem is not knowing how he feels. I'm scared of being crushed if he comes to the table and isn't willing to work on us. Its just so hard the not knowing, but I'm trying to give him his space. I hope when this is all over we can be closer and more of a couple rather than just parents.

I have tried to put myself in his shoes with his responsibilities, and it is very hard. I just wish he would have talked to me about it all rather than keeping it all to himself. But if I'm honest... I might not have been the best person to talk to about it because i get soooo stressed out of that stuff. I still hurts that he felt the need to go outside our marriage. I did tell him I was starting therapy. He just said Oh. He might be watching what he says so to not set me off. I also want him to know my starting therapy isn't all about him. I need it for myself and felt that for some time. This has just been the catalyst to kick me into gear to go for it. Does that make sense?

Don't just assume your husband is having an active affair with this woman and is actually leaving you. It sounds to me from what you have shared that he is lost and confused. Some people who struggle and feel lost tend to run away and want to sit and think and have someone to talk to, someone that eases their sense of powerlessness. Some people do stupid things out of a personal sense of loss and desperation. Could be what your husband likes is simply being heard and getting attention.

Often couples drift apart from being busy and handling things that they don't spend time with each other sitting and talking like maybe they did a long time ago. In the movie "The Note Book" when she was away Noah was lonely and had a woman as company, but that's all she was to him, he did not "love" this other woman. If you were together but not really together a partner can begin to wonder if love is still there. It could be that your husband was lonely and you were so busy with your children you missed it. Men often have a hard time reaching out and articulating their feelings.

Once again I think you're right. We haven't done much for just us in a long time. That's one of things I plan to discuss at Our Talk. i think I was sooo busy with kids and my own feelings of depression that I missed the signs. I just wish we could talk now. I'm not going to push him however. I'm giving him his month. I think I need it too to work out my issues. I think you're right about the other woman. I don't know exactly how far its gone. She may have been an ear. I'm trying to not put too much emphasis on that. He wants to communicate, he's not abusive, and for that im thankful. Things could be a lot worse.

I cant thank you enough for you help in this situation. Your advice has become invaluable to me! Also your words have put a lot of things for me into perspective.

Also, when you do end up having the talk and it will be more than one talk. It's important that neither of your children, especially your oldest somehow thinks your challenge with your husband has anything to do with them. They "both" know something is wrong. My concern is for your oldest possibly thinking it has something to do with their choice. In that challenge there tends to be this drive to be and yet also wishing that drive was not there in "self" too. Also, for your younger one, the older child's choice may be stirring up his own insecurities too. Your youngest is at an age where there are still not many actual life skills and still many questions about navigating challenges, especially family challenges. Yet, also perhaps worried about what might happen if his piers were to find out.

You certainly have a lot to navigate through (((Julie))). It's ok to step back and even ask questions, we never JUST have all the answers.

Although I don’t post a lot here. I like to read all the advice given and it amazes me the compasión and understanding given to you by open eyes. Specially since it’s so easy for people who are not in this situation to be very harsh with their comments.

There you go reading my mind again!!! i have tried and will continue to try to keep the kids out of it as much as possible. I'm always thinking about what you said about my youngest. He is his siblings biggest ally and was able to use the new name and pronouns the fastest! I have always worried about what would happen in his friend group. I'm always on the lookout for any kind of problems. I feel my oldest and his issues are a symptom of a bigger problem with husband and marriage, not a problem in itself. Its our lack of communication. My kids seem to be doing okay, and they are both out right now behaving like teenagers instead of worrying about me so i'm thrilled!!!

I also realize there will be many talks in our future. The first one just seems like the biggest and the hardest ie. are we going to work on this or not.

Once again, thank you soooo much for your advice and wisdom!