Help on strange behaviour from my (not yet) mother-in-law

For the sake of a better understanding and avoiding repeating combinations of words such as "my girlfriend's mother" or "my girlfriend's grandmother", I'll called them my "mother-in-law" and "grandmother-in-law" respectively, obviously, and even though we're not married, but heck, I even got myself confused while reading this.

Two nights ago my girlfriend told me she wanted to run away from her home, go to a different town for some time, a month or so, I'd come along, of course. I immediately knew it was a one day thing, for as much as she's been depressed and desperate and for as many problems she has with her mother she wouldn't do such thing. I'll admit it, I even got excited by the idea, we have practically had an online relationship for half a year, and anyway, I didn't want to bring her down to earth too abruptly as I can totally understand why'd she have such thoughts. Bear with me, please.

This may or may not sound crazy to you, but she hasn't come out, not a single time since the quarantine started in our country back in march, even if it ended almost two months ago. It isn't her but her mother who I want to make the focus of this post about. There are some reasons for this, the first being her parents who are of course rather old and thus at-risk population, others being that she has an obsession with the whole virus thing, she's paranoid, thinks the thing is everywhere, it's all she talks about according to my girlfriend, also fear, naturally, and sort of playing hard to get.

Now, it's safe to assume that having been almost seven months and a half locked has made a negative effect on her, as well as her parents and children, including my girlfriend, but again, as she's playing hard to get she is unable to recognize it to herself and thinks it's all a thing her daughter makes up to play the victim. Just about three weeks ago my girlfriend had an emotional crisis, this did not settle well with her mother who, to make matters more worse believes depression and anxiety are not real but rather cause of the lack of God in one's life, this led her to make some seriously unpleasant comments, making fun of her own daughter and even being verbally aggressive, yelling at her, failing to have some empathy, etc. Probably the worst thing she said was insinuating that my girlfriend had not yet ended her life because she had nowhere to do it. Imagine being angry at someone because they're in a bad mental state for not being able to go out in half a year, unbelievable, and my girlfriend is not even an atheist, she does believe in God, she just rejects any dogma. I think you get my point, her mother won't. Fortunately she's doing better now as she's seeing a therapist online, a thing she has insisted in doing for several years, with no response from her mother until now, and this leads me to my next point. This woman has some serious unresolved business with therapists as she absolutely despised the idea of her daughter seeing one and though she paid, reluctantly, still gets furious whenever the subject is mentioned, has this passive-agressive behaviour, stops talking to her for several days even, for no reason whatsoever and only does so if she needs to ask for a favour. The therapist knowing of my MIL's refusal to realize how feeling bad can be a perfectly normal thing, asks my girlfriend to speak to her and try to open her mind, the answer was "don't get me involved in your problems". God, imagine being this selfish, her own sister was diagnosed with severe depression due to a brain disorder a few years ago, and she's very religious, how can she say that? Finally, my girlfriend missed her psychologist appointment this week since her mother would not talk to her and therefore there was no chance she'd pay for the session.

I don't believe this attitude towards going to therapy has always been the same, at the beginning of the century she divorced my girlfriend's father, an abusive alcoholic who happens to be a lawyer and has therefore exercised every trick in his power to pay as little as possible for the support of his children. She took herself and her kids, two and very little at the time, my girlfriend included, to see a psychologist, so did with her mother years later and just a few months back said that once they could go out she'd take her son who at the time had some sort of crisis. He's always been quiet and very introvert, but during a week or so became extremely rude, wouldn't talk or even look at anyone, when my girlfriend and MIL tried to speak to him there was no answer, he completely ignored them and got very controlling with who used the wifi which he doesn't pay so he could play online games with his friends. This woman instead of getting mad at this attitude, got very sad, understandable yet upsetting as she won't show this sort of compassion or attention to her daughter. It's obvious she has a preference for him, could be because he's male, I don't know. She taught him how to drive and not and not my girlfriend despite insisting, every time they went out with their uni mates he'd be the one to administrate the money she gave them, usually spending all of it by himself, she doesn't demand the same academic performance from him at uni as she does from my girlfriend, and even when she bore her soul to it, to the point of studying two careers at the same time, what she gets is occasional teasing because one of this careers is not economically profitable. You can't tell me this is normal, and she didn't even have brothers, only sisters.

At the beginning of the year my girlfriend and I went drinking for the first time, it was with her uni mates. My MIL is not someone who gives permission to go out so easily, and if she does, she is not particularly flexible about the time of arrival back home (with my girlfriend, of course and now is worth mentioning she's 21). That night was an exception, one that we kinda wasted cause we got pissed very quickly, so she had to leave early. The state she was in enraged her mother. She hit her for the second time in her life, the first had been weeks prior. Now, around this time, her son had an unrecognised (by everyone, really) problem with alcohol. This worried my MIL, not the drinking problem but rather the fact that he'd go missing for hours, again, unfair as my girlfriend barely goes out, or used to.

Maybe it is also worth mentioning how my MIL is not a very open person, quiet and discreet, reserved, could that be a reason why she doesn't like therapists and could have things inside, who knows. My grandmother-in-law was very strict with her and her sisters as a mother, raising them in the old fashioned way, even choosing the careers they graduated from. She does not have the best of tempers, is very reserved as well, not so capable of handling her emotions, that could explain a lot of things about my MIL, and quite a lot more we'll surely never know.

I respect this woman, she's my kinda my MIL, raised three kids on her own, takes care of her parents, has done everything a person can do in the third world to be successful and secure a good standard of living to her family, she likes me, she never liked any of the boyfriends my girlfriend had in the past but she likes me, that's a beautiful thing to feel and even wants us to get married which is great because we want too, but I'm naturally concerned. Her daughter will most likely not start working until she finishes the first career, that's like a year and a half from now, and as this isn't Europe it's not very common for people to go and live by themselves until they are much older, if they ever do. My girlfriend will, eventually, but I want whatever the time it is she stays there to be pleasant. She loves that woman more than anything for as strange as she is and is always willing to turn the other cheek every time she has to. Something else is that she has a 7 year old brother, that kid means everything to that girl and I worry that, knowing how children are sometimes, he will adopt the behaviour that adults have towards his sister, his own mother for heaven's sake, that'd just break her heart.

Now, it's true this girl needs to stop making up excuses for her mother, I asked her once if my MIL had ever been to therapy, she got very defensive stating that she did not need to lol, ok. I was just asking, I know I have no right to tell anyone to go to therapy. For several months I've tried to convince her, without pushing her, of talking to her mother, confronting her, she says it won't do anything, that she's tried it before to no effect and that would only make her angrier and blah, blah, blah so now she'd rather avoid it and every time my MIL has an unjustified upset says it's an isolated thing, it is not *******it. Once she told me she preferred her mother to be mad at her instead of sad, my girlfriend is a very committed person. She refuses to ask for help within her family even when there are people willing to provide such support, talk with her mother and maybe make her see reason. She tried it once, guess what happened. My girlfriend is afraid of her own mother, and with reason, I've seen that woman's eyes when she's mad, not funny. There has to be someone my MIL truly trusts, someone that would talk to her

Maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg, she's had strange behaviours since my girlfriend was little, some of them are gone, thanks god, yet I think, for as happy as I am about my loved one taking therapy, until her mother doesn't heal whatever things she has inside, she will continue to pass on to her many of her fears, anger, sadness, maybe traumas.

Now, I'm afraid I said more than I should have, but I care about both of them and I really want to know how I can help, I'm more than willing to, and also how my girlfriend can help herself and her mother. I know I'm not a therapist, but again, I want to do anything I can and with whatever tools you may provide me, I don't know, at least, if you could help us understand a little bit more my MIL, that could also be a great start. And it sounds dangerous, but I would even talk to her, that shall achieve anything, really and she won't listen, why would she anyway, I'm just her daughter's boyfriend, but she knows I genuinely love her, must be that special maternal sense.

I really want to help this two woman and my MIL to realize she needs her daughter more than she will ever recognise, and you know what, for her to acknowledge it, **** it, perhaps my girlfriend should run away (except she won't, because either way this is a dangerous country).

I know this is a very long read and deep inside I don't expect anyone to get to this point, but if you did, many thanks, I put my whole heart into writing this.

Hey @Astronauta:

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Originally Posted by Astronauta This may or may not sound crazy to you, but she hasn't come out, not a single time since the quarantine started in our country back in march, even if it ended almost two months ago. It isn't her but her mother who I want to make the focus of this post about. There are some reasons for this, the first being her parents who are of course rather old and thus at-risk population, others being that she has an obsession with the whole virus thing, she's paranoid, thinks the thing is everywhere, it's all she talks about according to my girlfriend, also fear, naturally, and sort of playing hard to get.

What do you mean by "playing hard to get"?

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Now, it's safe to assume that having been almost seven months and a half locked has made a negative effect on her, as well as her parents and children, including my girlfriend, but again, as she's playing hard to get she is unable to recognize it to herself and thinks it's all a thing her daughter makes up to play the victim. Just about three weeks ago my girlfriend had an emotional crisis, this did not settle well with her mother who, to make matters more worse believes0 depression and anxiety are not real but rather cause of the lack of God in one's life, this led her to make some seriously unpleasant comments, making fun of her own daughter and even being verbally aggressive, yelling at her, failing to have some empathy, etc. Probably the worst thing she said was insinuating that my girlfriend had not yet ended her life because she had nowhere to do it. Imagine being angry at someone because they're in a bad mental state for not being able to go out in half a year, unbelievable, and my girlfriend is not even an atheist, she does believe in God, she just rejects any dogma. I think you get my point, her mother won't. Fortunately she's doing better now as she's seeing a therapist online, a thing she has insisted in doing for several years, with no response from her mother until now, and this leads me to my next point.

I hope your GF is able to stand up to her mom about the idea that "god" or lack thereof is the reason for her depression. Its complete hogwash.

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This woman has some serious unresolved business with therapists as she absolutely despised the idea of her daughter seeing one and though she paid, reluctantly, still gets furious whenever the subject is mentioned, has this passive-agressive behaviour, stops talking to her for several days even, for no reason whatsoever and only does so if she needs to ask for a favour. The therapist knowing of my MIL's refusal to realize how feeling bad can be a perfectly normal thing, asks my girlfriend to speak to her and try to open her mind, the answer was "don't get me involved in your problems".

Are you saying your GF's therapist wanted her to talk to her mother and then acted like your gf was trying to get the therapist "involved"? Isnt that what the therapist is for?

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I don't believe this attitude towards going to therapy has always been the same, at the beginning of the century she divorced my girlfriend's father, an abusive alcoholic who happens to be a lawyer and has therefore exercised every trick in his power to pay as little as possible for the support of his children. She took herself and her kids, two and very little at the time, my girlfriend included, to see a psychologist, so did with her mother years later and just a few months back said that once they could go out she'd take her son who at the time had some sort of crisis. He's always been quiet and very introvert, but during a week or so became extremely rude, wouldn't talk or even look at anyone, when my girlfriend and MIL tried to speak to him there was no answer, he completely ignored them and got very controlling with who used the wifi which he doesn't pay so he could play online games with his friends.

So her brother is also controlling an mean too?

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This woman instead of getting mad at this attitude, got very sad, understandable yet upsetting as she won't show this sort of compassion or attention to her daughter. It's obvious she has a preference for him, could be because he's male, I don't know. She taught him how to drive and not and not my girlfriend despite insisting, every time they went out with their uni mates he'd be the one to administrate the money she gave them, usually spending all of it by himself, she doesn't demand the same academic performance from him at uni as she does from my girlfriend, and even when she bore her soul to it, to the point of studying two careers at the same time, what she gets is occasional teasing because one of this careers is not economically profitable. You can't tell me this is normal, and she didn't even have brothers, only sisters.

Normal or not, its sad and unfair to your GF. When a parent pits siblings against each other it causes a lot of anger and guilt on the sibling who seems or feels "less than".

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At the beginning of the year my girlfriend and I went drinking for the first time, it was with her uni mates. My MIL is not someone who gives permission to go out so easily, and if she does, she is not particularly flexible about the time of arrival back home (with my girlfriend, of course and now is worth mentioning she's 21). That night was an exception, one that we kinda wasted cause we got pissed very quickly, so she had to leave early. The state she was in enraged her mother. She hit her for the second time in her life, the first had been weeks prior. Now, around this time, her son had an unrecognised (by everyone, really) problem with alcohol. This worried my MIL, not the drinking problem but rather the fact that he'd go missing for hours, again, unfair as my girlfriend barely goes out, or used to.

I hope your Gf called the police and reported the assault. If its recent she can still report it.

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I respect this woman, she's my kinda my MIL, raised three kids on her own, takes care of her parents, has done everything a person can do in the third world to be successful and secure a good standard of living to her family, she likes me, she never liked any of the boyfriends my girlfriend had in the past but she likes me, that's a beautiful thing to feel and even wants us to get married which is great because we want too, but I'm naturally concerned. Her daughter will most likely not start working until she finishes the first career, that's like a year and a half from now, and as this isn't Europe it's not very common for people to go and live by themselves until they are much older, if they ever do. My girlfriend will, eventually, but I want whatever the time it is she stays there to be pleasant. She loves that woman more than anything for as strange as she is and is always willing to turn the other cheek every time she has to. Something else is that she has a 7 year old brother, that kid means everything to that girl and I worry that, knowing how children are sometimes, he will adopt the behaviour that adults have towards his sister, his own mother for heaven's sake, that'd just break her heart.

I think your gf needs to detach herself from her mother and move out asap. This unhealthy environment does not seem like it will improve and I think the stress of living there will impede her academics aside from her mental health. It is very hard to be in therapy dealing with family issues and live with this family. Worse still is wondering if joint therapy would help all the while knowing the person you live with will never take a look at their own behavior or consider therapy.

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Now, it's true this girl needs to stop making up excuses for her mother, I asked her once if my MIL had ever been to therapy, she got very defensive stating that she did not need to lol, ok. I was just asking, I know I have no right to tell anyone to go to therapy. For several months I've tried to convince her, without pushing her, of talking to her mother, confronting her, she says it won't do anything, that she's tried it before to no effect and that would only make her angrier and blah, blah, blah so now she'd rather avoid it and every time my MIL has an unjustified upset says it's an isolated thing, it is not *******it. Once she told me she preferred her mother to be mad at her instead of sad, my girlfriend is a very committed person. She refuses to ask for help within her family even when there are people willing to provide such support, talk with her mother and maybe make her see reason. She tried it once, guess what happened. My girlfriend is afraid of her own mother, and with reason, I've seen that woman's eyes when she's mad, not funny. There has to be someone my MIL truly trusts, someone that would talk to her Maybe this is just the tip of the iceberg, she's had strange behaviours since my girlfriend was little, some of them are gone, thanks god, yet I think, for as happy as I am about my loved one taking therapy, until her mother doesn't heal whatever things she has inside, she will continue to pass on to her many of her fears, anger, sadness, maybe traumas. Now, I'm afraid I said more than I should have, but I care about both of them and I really want to know how I can help, I'm more than willing to, and also how my girlfriend can help herself and her mother. I know I'm not a therapist, but again, I want to do anything I can and with whatever tools you may provide me, I don't know, at least, if you could help us understand a little bit more my MIL, that could also be a great start. And it sounds dangerous, but I would even talk to her, that shall achieve anything, really and she won't listen, why would she anyway, I'm just her daughter's boyfriend, but she knows I genuinely love her, must be that special maternal sense. I really want to help this two woman and my MIL to realize she needs her daughter more than she will ever recognise, and you know what, for her to acknowledge it, **** it, perhaps my girlfriend should run away (except she won't, because either way this is a dangerous country). I know this is a very long read and deep inside I don't expect anyone to get to this point, but if you did, many thanks, I put my whole heart into writing this.

I know you want what is best for her. But I think its something she needs to deal with and I think as much as you want the best for her, you will sorta be overstepping a bit by intervening. That isnt to say you cant support her and listen but I know for me, its very hard to ignore that sort of thing and let things happen on someone's personal tolerance level. I know for me, It would be very hard to not want to get involved.

First of all, this Covid pandemic is very scary to a lot of people. As for this MIL, from what you shared she has three children and a young 7 year old and she can't afford to get sick and possibly get very sick. It's also very possible the mother has abandonment issues too given that her husband left her and used his legal skills to escape being financially responsible to his wife and children.

As an outsider you can see things that are probably unhealthy. However, even though you would like to fix what you are seeing, you really can't fix another person or a family that has unhealthy dynamics. Your girlfriend already knows that talking to her mother and her grandmother is useless too. And your girlfriend more than likely is at the age where she needs to get away from them from time to time too. At 21 years old an individual begins to want to engage in finding themselves away from the family unit too. With this Covid pandemic taking place, that has put a considerable damper on distancing in a normal way.

While someone at age 21 can seem mature in many ways, they are not that mature and still don't have their true own identity either yet. What you feel is playing hard to get probably isn't a game but more of your girlfriend being cautious and not wanting to make her homelife even more challenging than it already is.

It also may be that your girlfriend, though wanting to fly free and even find distance from her family, may not be ready to commit to a long term relationship right now either. It's actually best for anyone to learn how to be independent instead of going from one dependancy situation to another one. A person goes through a lot of changes in their twenties. Once someone graduates from college and begins to learn how to work they learn a lot about themselves. Also, there is a subconscious knowledge in your girlfriend how important it is to be independent, after all she watched her own mother have to learn how to do that in order to care for her children. Your girlfriend also felt the affects of what it means to be abandoned due to her father not only walking away but also taking steps to reduce his financial responsiblity to his own children. She lived with the aftermath and how it affected her siblings and herself. And because of that she is most likely unsettled subconsciously which includes deep emotions that even she herself may not know how to understand.

What is love, what is having a healthy relationship with a man even, never really seen it or lived to watch it in her parents. These are things she simply doesn't know. Hard to get? Perhaps that not really what this means even though you feel that's what it is.

Reading your post, I was reminded of my ex MIL. She was conniving and manipulative on her good days. She had no sense of boundaries and frequently imposed on us by whining that no one pays attention to her. Well, yeah, when you're as mean as a junkyard dog, people tend to go out of their way to avoid you. Jus' sayin'.

My own mother is a Borderline personality. She got VERY upset when I told her I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. A few days later, she called me up because she felt the need to share with me. Immediately, my heart rate skyrocketed and every fiber of my being was screaming for me to just hang up, but I didn't. I listened. It's a long story but basically she made up this ridiculous story, the moral of which was that the things you remember as a child aren't always true. i.e. You imagined it all is her attitude. She was very unpredictable and violent when I was growing up. I never knew when she would 'go off'.

Welcome to PC, btw. You'll love it here. No mean people, just us crazy folk. 😁

WW

You know what to do, you have to bring them together as they both will care about you.