Abandoment acute crisis

I have just realized that i have abandonment issues, every time a partner decides to leave me I feel like I am about to die. I get so much anxiety I can’t breath, so depressed I can’t manage daily things and I have no will to live or any interest in any thing, and I feel beyond worthless. I can’t focus on anything, and this lasts every time for a very long time, almost a year!
Now it just happened again, and this time it was just a short relation just 4 months.
I also realized that I have attachment issues, I get attached too fast too strongly, at the same time i am so insecure he doesn’t feel as strong or to show i am too interested, i keep my distance, which this time led to him leaving. As usual I pleaded for another chance and tried to explain my weaknesses and that I will be better, to no help of course.
I keep on going back in my head wishing I could go back in time, fix things, enjoy moments I will never have again, and my brain is now convinced that I will never meet someone as good.
I blame myself so much for mistakes I’ve done not showing how warm and interested I really was.
I already take anti depressants and anti anxiety pills, I talk to a psychologist, deep breathing and meditation. Doesn’t help.
When talking to my psychologist I realized pretty much my life consist of several abandonment traumas and insecurities.
I realize that I have no self esteem when it comes to relations, specially if I get dumped.
I had just got over some other family traumas and started feeling better, than this happened.
I feel I can’t get a break.
I am also panicking because I am approaching 40 and I want to have a family.
Anyone having any issues like these? Or know anyone having these issues?
Will I ever be able to not feel this way when left by a partner?
I can’t continue living like this!

We have a lot in common, Maria 81! I'm just out of a brief relationship as well. I'm bipolar but, the breakup pushed me into a very deep depression. My meds don't seem to be helping so I'm back on the medication roller coaster. You're younger and, have time to find the right person for you. I'm starting with a new therapist in the morning and hope I can figure out how to love myself again, instead of loving a man more. I have to ask myself..".How can anyone else love me when I don't love myself?" I wish you all the best in your treatment and, want you to know that I understand your pain. Hugs

Have you heard of the Dialectical Behaviour Therapy workbook? With support of your therapist, it can help these extreme abandonment issues.

It sounds like there are triggers to your anxiety that need to be addressed before your anxiety becomes less effective in your life. All the best.