I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Hope, once this is all over with, you WILL be happy. You'll have a nice new home, a new job, and lots of time to do fun and relaxing things. Maybe you can start a creative project? Maybe take yoga classes or whatever covid19 will allow. Maybe you can start saving to buy a little home for yourself?

@MsLady, that is very encouraging!!! THANK YOU.

I may not have a NEW home, if I stay and he leaves, but at least I will be free of the abuse!

I do want to take yoga!!!

And I'm looking forward to doing ALL the activities I have not done in three years since being with him: hiking, skiing, camping, roller blading, and kayaking. He is physically incapable of doing any of these things with me, and I stopped doing them on my own, to my chagrin. GRRRRR.

I probably will never buy a home, but that's OK. As long as I love where I live, I don't mind continuing to rent.

I can see a life beyond marriage and a life beyond him. I am scared and I am afraid of what will happen with our mutual social circle, but I have one female from that circle who is behind me. At least I have that.

Curious, wouldn't you rather move out and rid of all the memories.. start a clean slate? How did you meet these mutual friends?

Well, yes and no. I own all the furniture that is in our apartment. He owns very little.

In order for ME to move out, I need at least an additional $1000 to pay a moving company.

Once I am employed again, and depending on my salary, it could take several months for me to save all the funds I would need in order to move out.

It's going to cost me about $6000 to move. Unless I throw everything onto a credit card, OR I take out a bank loan.

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. When you get an apartment here, most apartment leases require first and last month's full rent, PLUS a security deposit, which is one full month's rent. So you have to pay THREE months of rent UPFRONT PLUS the cost of movers. It's very expensive to move!

I think my husband may be an abusive narcissist.

I am seeing a LOT of symptoms and signs:

He explodes whenever he is questioned or whenever I have confronted him
He needs constant attention from me and praise
He is very self centered: it's always about HIM, what HE wants and what HE needs
He is very arrogant and full of himself: he has an inflated EGO and an inflated sense of self importance
He is delusional: he thinks his father is a "great" man despite being abusive, sexist and racist
He thinks HE's the most wonderful and loving person, despite the abuse that I've confronted him with
He is a liar yet demands that I implicitly trust him despite several occasions of dishonesty - he defends his so-called high level of "integrity" by yelling at me, acting as though he has always been honest with me when I keep catching him in lies, deceit and contradictions
And now he is a thief

What happened that he became a thief?

@Bill3, He stole from Home Depot last Sunday.

Now I am wondering if he had even planned on telling me a year ago that he had used my credit card a second time without my permission to charge another $300. Now I am wondering if he tried to get away with the second charge (because he didn't tell me about it), and whether he meant to make ME pay for something HE bought.

It's bigger than just stealing something from Home Depot. He manipulated price tags to trick the cashier into giving him a cheaper price.

As for the credit card scam, it really doesn't matter if he had planned on telling you. He didn't ask for permission to use it the second time. He crossed the line and betrayed your trust. $300 is a lot of extra money after already using the credit card the first time. What were the two purchases for?

Yep - he did exactly that.

The two purchases he made on my credit card were for expensive video game upgrades he wanted.

He is on that video game 24/7. He's a child, on top of being an abuser and a narcissist.

I don't love him anymore. I don't feel anything towards him anymore. I see him as being pathological, and just as he is. I feel far healthier than he is, despite any problems I personally face.

I am glad there is no love left in me for him. He squeezed it all out of me. It will make the divorce far simpler for myself and far easier.

I’d not spend a minute wondering anything about him. You often suspect and wonder rather than confronting directly. And I don’t blame you for not confronting him if he blows up at you when you finally do confront him.

But that’s why and how he gets away with things. You sometimes question him and sometimes you just guess, so he knows that’s how he gets away with things, he probably got away with things before with other women too until women get fed up just like you did. What self respecting men takes woman’s credit card without permission and spend gazillion of money on stupid game??! Spend your own money! He is a user

I can’t imagine scenario when my husband would take my card and bought something stupid without telling me. But if he lost his mind and did that, he’d be sleeping outside and his stuff would be packed up and on a driveway. You are too nice. He figured out you’ll won’t do anything about it. Quit being too nice, hope. No more “too nice” hope.

I HAVE confronted him, Divine, on every single little incident except for the stealing. He stonewalls, gaslights, deflects and takes no responsibility for his hurtful and abusive actions towards me. These are all additional abuse tactics that an abuser uses in order to avoid responsiblity.

It's not like I sit passively back, allowing him to abuse me and hurt me. I say OUCH and confront him ALL the time. Hence, his explosions and our nasty fights. He does not accept being confronted with the truth about himself OR about his poor behaviors.

He does not get away with a single thing with me. NOT ONE SINGLE THING.

You really need to understand how abusers operate and what they do to their victims.

I wanted to leave the moment we returned from our honeymoon! I did not have the financial means. Then it got better temporarily. Then I faced him with a divorce in July.

You make it seem like I've sat back and have allowed myself to be a DOORMAT, when I have fought him every step of the way to be respected and not abused.

I resent that..... I am NO doormat. Yeah, I may be too nice, too naive and too accepting of these types in the early stages and that's how I get myself into these situations, but I am NO DOORMAT. I have a LOT of self respect.

And honestly, it's not what an abuse victim needs to hear when they're trying to stand up for themselves CONSTANTLY in the face of abuse, cope with abuse, and also plan to leave. An abuse victim needs to be empowered, and does not need to hear that they're letting the person get away with the abuse. You have NO idea.

I am now at a total loss. I really thought I had that job in the bag, but I did not get it. My former co-worker also told me it seemed from the inside that they were going to hire me.

I have nowhere to go, and I cannot leave. He cannot leave because I cannot afford the apartment on my own. I could liquidate my 401K, but still, I have no job and that money will run out fast. No friend or family member can take me in. I truly am STUCK until I get a job, and Lord knows when that will happen. I am not going to go to a shelter. NO.

I am in a pit of despair. This is my worst nightmare.

I fully understand this feeling. People are trying to be helpful and I think they're forgetting where the victim's mental space is at. Personally, I feel assaulted by my own situation.

It does not at all help to be told what we "should" be doing as if we're not doing enough to help ourselves. It's a process. We're here because we feel safe to be.

Also, it's easy to tell someone to leave without understanding the barriers and fears involved. It kind of comes off as shaming the victim. Being abused in any way is debilitating mentally, emotionally, and physically. We need strength.

Yes, there are reasons why we're in these situations. I'm fully aware about how I got here and why. We need emotional support and encouragement.

Thank you for posting this, @MsLady, and I couldn't agree more. I know I have been guilty of doing such things on your prior threads, which I now wish to change.

And that's exactly what the abusive victim needs - is strengthening, validation and understanding. The abuse is most certainly debilitating and it wears on one's self esteem and self worth. I fight against this all the time with my husband in order to maintain any amount of self respect.

There ARE fears and barriers involved in leaving someone who is abusive.

Right now, I am afraid of setting my husband off , so I am avoiding hot button topics, which means not questioning him in any way and without acting like I mistrust him, when I DO mistrust him. It's a hard line to live by, and it's MOST unsettling to have to continue to live with someone who is volatile, cruel and explosive. It's like walking on egg shells all the time.

And I am afraid of retaliation and a reputation smear campaign when I DO leave him because that's what he would do. I have to approach it without blaming him in any way and by keeping everything neutral, non accusatory and unemotional.

Thank you.

Right now, I'm overwhelmed by what I "should" be doing. I booked off work for today and it's only 530am.. and I've already been here for an hour.

My point is, the "right thing to do" is already in our heads. We are aware to a point which is why we come here.. to mull things over with outsiders and learn new things.. and BUILD. But as I've said, it's a PROCESS to get there. In order to build, we need tools. In order to have tools, we need strength to go and get them.

The fears are valid and it's what draws us closer to our abusers, their love bombing ways, and false sense of security. We KNOW this but it flies out the window when we're faced with real life barriers, whether they're physical, emotional, or mental.

Good idea.

Yes.... I understand this one. Mine is hugging me tightly at night while we sleep and it provides a false sense of love, comfort and safety. When in fact, I do not feel loved, I do not feel comforted, and I do not necessarily feel emotionally safe with him. And he's been love bombing me too a bit, calling me several times during the day to check up on me. I think he sense me pulling away a bit.

I wish there was an answer for the both of us; but there just isn't one immediately available. It's really hard and a HUGE challenge to be faced with.

I think it's survival instincts. We have to behave in ways in order to be least impacted in a given moment. It's why their antics work. It fills their buckets and that's all they need. Life is good.. they get positive affirmation. It's a selfish approach to deal with their own insecurities.

In time, Hope. You'll find an even better job. The owner rubbed you the wrong way so it was probably best you didn't get that job. Keep applying and reaching out.

Yes. It's most selfish. And I feel I am playing a game now.

Thank you. I've applied to three jobs so far this morning. And yes, that owner rubbed me the wrong way, so it's probably for the best in the end. I got a sense of internal chaos and confusion.

What field are you in?