I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Digital marketing. I have 10 years of experience in my field and can command a good salary. All I need is ONE job, and I am all set. And if I can get close to my desired salary, I can afford our apartment on my own.

Oh, ok. I'm not really sure what that is. All the best! Hopefully he'll move out, willingly.

It has to do with marketing businesses online. And thanks!!!!!!

I'm losing my nerve. I say I do not love my husband anymore, but today I felt pangs of it. I missed him since we didn't text much today. I AM emotionally attached to him in some ways. I know this. It's my weakness through this process. I feel more isolated, being at home and not working. I have friends to talk to here and there, but I am isolated.

He is also very attractive to me, and I am strongly physically attracted to him. That makes this harder. I have to keep my head on my shoulders.

When he comes home, he hugs me, kisses me and is happy to see me. It makes it feel like everything is normal and as it should be in a marriage. But I know it's far from normal and that at any moment, he could take me by surprise with a mean, cutting remark or a controlling comment. Then I am jerked back to reality: it's pathology. And I need to really hammer this into my head. It's not normal... it's up and down, it's a roller coaster and I am walking on egg shells now in an effort not to set him off.

His loving moments are nothing but "grooming" me again, to fall for his charms again so as to keep me hooked. He is in the grooming phase... and it's all a manipulation.

I think part of it is grooming and a part of it is he's moved on. He probably sees these issues as arguements and squabbles.. nothing more, which likely undermines how you're feeling. As long as he's getting the attention and affection from you, he's good.

I bet he's not at all concerned because you're unemployed and need him right now. On one hand, he knows he can't access your finances right now, on the other hand, your situation gives him the upper hand.

Of course, this is my personal opinion based on my own experience with like-minded individuals. I could be wrong and with all the information you've given, I doubt I'm off the mark.

So, enjoy the peace and cuddles if you're able to and keep reminding yourself what you know to be true.

And you know what? Even if you're 100% wrong about him (far-fetch), he's not meeting YOUR needs. So, it's wise to live your life in a way that'll make you happier.

I was thinking today about your mother's comments about the risk of being alone for the rest of your life. I find that bizarre she'd say that. It bothers ME and she's not even my mom. Why would she assume this would be a possibility for you that she'd scare you into staying in this type of relationship? Is that what she's done?

Yes, I pick up that he’s basically moved on.

I’m trying to relax and go with the flow but it’s soooo hard. All I can think about is divorce.

And yeah, I think my dad often drives my mom crazy and she’s stayed out of fear of being alone. She lives her life based on fear. Not a healthy way to live in my opinion. She was probably projecting her own fears into my situation. It’s no reason to stay that’s for sure.

I think you're right. And I think he's enjoying having me be dependent on him, with him having the upper hand, and my being unable to leave him. It gives him all the power - and that by itself, is driving me insane.

I am used to being far more independent. I am used to having my own income and money. I've rarely been dependent in my life, except for a couple instances where I had to live with my parents temporarily while during a life transition. Otherwise, I've been independent my whole life.

So this power imbalance? It makes me feel ill to my stomach. I am not liking it and it's most uncomfortable for me.

I called a domestic abuse hotline last night before my husband came home. I think I will be calling this hotline every day while he's at work and during the week when I am home alone.

It was MOST helpful. The counselor I spoke with was most empathetic and gave helpful advice. She came from a perspective of offering me strength, and to show me where and how I am being strong. She said it takes great strength to be acting like everything is just fine, while I protect myself and plan my exit strategy. She said it takes great strength to keep a level head while being unemployed, job searching, and while living with an abusive husband.

In fact, she was far more helpful than my current therapist!

Speaking of which. I am now changing therapists. I determined after six months of therapy with this one man that he is not knowledgable enough in abusive relationships to truly be of any real help. In fact, I am educating HIM on abuse tactics. That's not right.

So I did some digging and found a therapist experienced with domestic abuse, extricating from difficult relationships, and divorce. We spoke briefly on the phone, and I could tell he is a lot more experienced. We have our 1st appt next Thursday.

I am really looking forward to getting some solid help.... I have not had a good therapist to date, which really bothers me. I cannot blame my therapists at all, but honestly, if I had had effective therapy throughout my adult life, perhaps I wouldn't have been repeating the abuse pattern for so long. I've had really ineffective therapists, and I've been in therapy my whole life! It's truly maddening. I am astounded by how many bad therapists there are.

I think I'm being harsh, but for the right reasons... there's a reason why we're called survivors when we get out of abusive relationships, and that is that not everyone does (survive). I think it's great that you're in therapy, and seeking advice about all this.

Have you gone for any legal advice? Everything you have been through, I would not be surprised if you could get him evicted and get support to become financially stable.

I don't think you will get out of this without a fight, but there is help out there for people that are going through what you're struggling with.

This is a great step! Sounds like they will really be able to help you with this

I cannot evict him. Both our names are on the rental agreement/lease. He pays his rent every month on time. The only way I can see being able to actually evict is if he became physical with me and I called the police to get a restraining order.

And, yes, it is about survival.

My plan is to not place any blame on him when I announce I am divorcing him, and to not mention the abuse (this time). This time, I am going to simply tell him "This relationship and marriage are not working for me. I am not happy, I do not feel the same way about you as I used to, I want a divorce, and I'd like this to be as amicable as possible".

My goal is to exit peacefully, avoid an ugly and expensive legal battle and avoid reputation smearing, which is what I see him doing if I blame him in any way. He has weaponry in his pocket against me (because I tried to grab his phone from him one night, he calls this abuse), and I can see him trying to tell everyone (our friends) that I am the abuser, and that he is the victim. He's already tried to set it up this way between us to make it seem like I, too, have been abusive. I see his tactics and I want to be a step or two ahead of him.

Yes! And I have high hopes with this new therapist, too.

When I told him he is both loving and unloving, his retort was so are you! Ie, accusing me of abuse.

After the night I tried to grab his phone and when I called the police because I was scared of him? When we were arguing and when I approached him talking out of anger, he physically took a few steps back as though I was going to physically attack him!

So, he's setting it up now to make it seem like I am abusive.

It would be wise to be careful to not have any more escalated scenes from now on.

IMHO, neither of you should be involving your mutual circle of friends in your marital issues. I assume you haven’t told them that he is abusing you. That would explain his actions to now show you as an abuser, too.

I really feel for you, and think you're doing really well, and will come out of this well. In the UK we have laws around coercive control, which could probably have helped me get out of my marriage more easily, if I had been able to get the right advice. It's not just about being physical, it's about being threatening and controlling, but the advisors on the hotline should be able to give you better advice. Big hugs stay strong!

I've only confided in two females within our shared circle who haven't said a word to anyone else and whom I trust. They believe me.

My husband is just being manipulative and doesn't want to take all the blame. He's blame shifting now.

And yes, I am avoiding all blow ups from now on.

Thanks so much.

I do need to feel strengthened and encouraged, so your words are encouraging.

This hotline will help, my new therapist will help, and I will get out of this stronger than ever (is my hope!).

My girlfriend says to strengthen myself as much as possible right now, so that when I do leave him, I leave from a position of strength, rather than a position of feeling worn down, ruined and flattened by him. So that's what I am trying to achieve.

Your other thread that talks about him being a N- as you know, this rallying the flying monkeys is a narcissistic tactic. This is an action of war, in a sense. I’m sorry you are going through it.

I’m sure your confidence is held with those two friends, if you feel you trust them.

Since you have to stay living with him right now, I suggest not escalating anything that he can use against you moving forward. Play it cool and be safe. Although I commiserate on how triggering he can be, go as ‘gray rock’ as you can.

Yes, it is an action of war. And thanks, Tisha.

I do trust these two women... they won't say a word.

I am avoiding all hot buttons right now with him, and my goal is to just keep the peace as much as possible for now.

It is all very triggering, but I'm trying to just stay even keel and level headed. It's not easy, especially when you know you're being abused and when you want it to end as soon as possible.

I’m with him now and feel swirling emotions and anxiety. It’s hard to relax when he could be abusive at any time and when all I’m thinking about is being free of him... but being with him when he’s nice still makes me go into protective mode wanting to keep distant from him. I don’t want to get sucked in by his charm or niceties towards me.